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Alcohol Addiction 12 Steps
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11-23-2003, 11:43 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Paused Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: PA
Posts: 6
|  messed up...
I came on the bored and got all the help and suggestions I could have ever wanted... and still i messed up over and over and over again. Even last night, I bought some. And its sitting here, in my house right now. And I have so much stuff to do.... laundry... Homework... stuff I'm behind on, stuff that needs done. And All i can think about is avoiding it, and getting high. But Today.... But TODAY! I AM NOT, not gonna let it go down that way. I'm gonna get the hell out of my house if I have to. I hate myself right now. HATE myself.... I haven't felt this low, or like this much of a loser in a really long time. But today... but today..... just for today.... Rae |
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11-23-2003, 11:56 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,645
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hi rae! my name is dotcom and im an addict. DOS 01-17-03. DONT GIVE UP! today i got up and i looked at my room and said oh crap. not to mention the homework! i just didnt want to do it because i felt so rotten. what i wanted to do was take a shower and THEN start cleaning. but my stupid mind said that was a dumb idea, you cant take a shower and THEN clean. finally after posting on this site i got up and took a shower, then i felt like i did something for myself and it made me feel so much better. sometimes i have to "mix it up" a little lol. if you have to, just leave the situation immediately. go for a walk, go to the park, breathe deep, read the comics in the newspaper, take a shower, go get something to eat at your fav restaurant! and then when you feel a little better, take another step and flush that crap down the toilet! YOU CAN DO IT! JUST FOR TODAY! GOD BLESS dotcom
__________________ probably not. |
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11-23-2003, 01:27 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Paused Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: PA
Posts: 6
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There is a less mad looking face.... After feeling so overwhelmed this morning.... I sat down and faced my tasks instead of walking away. I wrote a paper in less than an hour which I have been worrying over for 2 weeks. I cleaned my living room, vacuuming and all. I got my mail... (first time in a week)... and I called my mom. All things I have been avoiding. I'm still shaking inside, I have so much more homework to do... so much laundry that needs done... and I want to go to a meeting tonight. Because... I haven't been sober yet... maybe one day in the last month. That's sick. And I want today to be my second day... I want today to be a real sober day. Sober by choice. Isn't that what sobriety is. I still hate myself.... I hate that I started these things. I hate that some days doing the smallest tasks feel so hard. And I hate that I have substance in my house, and i know its the only thing that will calm me down. My heart is broken.... it numbs that.... it numbs everything. But I read another post this morning about covering up hurt with drugs, and how it makes it so much worse later. So today I'm gonna do all the things I have to do.... And I'm gonna feel my own pain. Because its so real...... and you can't make something real go away by masking it. Sorry for my ramblings.... I need to get my head on straight... Rae For today... for today.... .just today.... |
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11-23-2003, 01:33 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| ~Author of My Life~  Join Date: May 2003 Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,666
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Bless you Rae...I hear your pain, but I also hear yoru courage. You are doing the right thing! Please do not hate yourself..I get like this too. Completely disgusted, disturbed and disappointed with myself. Our expectations are always so high. You ARE taking huge steps, it doesn't feel like it yet thouhg. believe me I have many days I cannot see my progress, or anything good about me. I am so used to destroying myself......it takes awhile to feel comfortable with treating ourselves kind, and with compassion...and strength. Please keep posting Rae. I think you are wonderful for what you are doing. Keep going , okay? ((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))) :redrose :bluerose :yellowros
__________________ Many Hugs and Hope too, Tammie "Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~ "Things do not change, WE change." ~Henry David Thoreau~  |
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11-23-2003, 01:34 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,645
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hi rae! its great that your choosing not to use and deal with the pain. its not easy to be sober, but it promises so much for our lives. congrats on having a clean day! you can make it another day, dont doubt yourself. its not going to be easy, but i do think thats the beauty of it. i can look back and say, wow, i really accomplished something by staying clean! just take it moment by moment! GOD BLESS dotcom
__________________ probably not. |
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11-23-2003, 05:57 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Paused Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: PA
Posts: 6
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Okay... its 8:00 and at 11:00 i already agreed to buy some.... stuff. and i want to change my mind. but can you do that???? when he calls i'll ask. but i feel i dunno. trapped, and stupid... trapped and stupid..... why is this a familiar feeling. it's 8:00 and i'm still sober. and even if i do buy... i can stay sober. i have some here, and i'm still sober..... WHEN did this get so hard. when did my life become about getting high.... rae |
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11-23-2003, 06:09 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,645
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hi rae im not sure about your connect and his "return policy", im going to use reasoning and say that it depends on who your dealing with. i just hope you dont get more and you are able to stay clean and safe. feeling trapped and stupid is OK! it happens! its one of those things where you just have to remember that you ARE a good person and you deserve better. but it takes a lot to pull out of that hole of feeling "trapped and stupid". the first step is admitting your life is unmanageable! ill be praying that you make the right decision for yourself. GOD BLESS! dotcom
__________________ probably not. |
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12-01-2003, 10:09 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Meow!  Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Posts: 1,023
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(((((((((((((((((((rae)))))))))))))))))))))))))
__________________ "If a Child feels Safe, Wanted & Loved, You are a Successful Parent!"  ~~"A relationship is like sand in your hand. If held loosely in the palm of your hand it stays there, but as soon as you close your hand tightly it slips through your fingers!!~~  |
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12-04-2003, 12:56 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Paused Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: miami fl.
Posts: 33
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i dont think your sick at all.your doing more than i am and i dont have any damn drugs here right now. atleast u really really have a desire to get clean....atleast u feel it inside. thats a great thing couse i use and use again and i dont feel remorse anymore. i hang out here to pick up things that are useful (and i have) and to get help for certain things.but this is my first day clean again, and i doubt there will be a second one,and the worst part,i dont care if there is or not. your doing really well.and i hope you make it through today without touching any poison....and if u do touch the poison,dont be ashamed of coming back here.many will understand and help you....god bless. |
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