ventilation

[samo]

I've been taking a good hard look at every thing in my life from when I never touched anything to now trying to figure out what went wrong.
the more i think the more depressed i get. I want to tell my story, about my parents, my "friends", boy friends who cared enough to leave me at the mercy of their friends...but every time i try to write it down i can't think of what to say. I'm better at telling people how sh*tty I'm doing than why I am doing Sh*tty. and I am. I went seven days. then some thing went wrong in my head. I shorted out and couldn't take it any more. that was thursday, so i'm back to day...hold on i suck at simple math.. oh yeh i'm back to day 2. I guess it's good sign that the time in between using has gotten longer and seven days is the longest since I can't remember when and i'm sweating these two days out slowly. they have been the longest days I have ever survived. i've felt like i am in this void looking out on the world.
I have noticed that every time I get "clean" i get sick, not just dope sick but sick sick. sore throat head cold sick. right now it's a good thing this is written because I lost my voice. al;most completely. it seems to happen after two or three days clean and only recently.
oh yeh. I'm getting evicted.
not because I don't pay rent or anything but because my land lord hates students and the fact that I have people over all the time. I'm getting a lawer to figure this out with me but...
i know this sounds odd but those smilie faces next to the thread writing space are dpressing me to death. there is some thing so weird about them but i can't put my finger on it. It almost seems like they are mocking me in my lonliness. I know that sounds parinoid but um, you know.bv ghnj mbhygtyhtgyht that was me hitting my head on the key board becuase I feel so stupid and childish. I know i am a 21 year old baby.who only wants some one to take care of me and shelter me from myself. i feel so manic right now i want to laugh hysterically, cry run around and sing and sit silently in a corner rocking back and forth all at the same time. i feel even worse because I shot up in front of a friend who i was trying to protect from all this crap in my life. oddly enough she instited i do it in front of her, i can only guess to either try and deterr me or to make sure i am ok afterwards. part of me wants to scream that i am ok im not a bad person but i think that would be a lye. if i were truely a good person i could stop for more than seven days right?

[margo]

Hi Samo - I just had a long reply written to you and lost it, so let me try again!

First of all, congrats on your day 2. You're doing the right thing by picking yourself up, trying again, and reaching out for help. No-one is going to judge you here, so try not to judge yourself too hard. You're not a bad person and you are okay, you just don't believe it yet, but you will in time.

It's very common to feel like crap in the first few days and to feel like you're getting sick. Your body is processing out all the garbage, so it's important to take extra-good care of yourself right now and to eat right, drink plenty of water, and get lots of sleep to help heal your body and mind. Those bad physical feelings will pass in time and you'll start to feel better after a few days.

Samo, I don't know what kind of support system you have for yourself, but I have found Narcotics Anonymous to be a lifesaver for me. There have been many times in my life when I tried to go it alone and I always relapsed, even after measurable periods of time. This time I decided to do it differently and reached out to other recovering addicts in NA and it has made the world of difference to me. I remember posting the NA link for the meeting schedule for you a while back, so if you haven't gotten to a meeting yet I would really urge you to give it a try - you won't be sorry, I promise.

Writing about how you feel is very therapeutic, so don't give up even though you feel frustrated. Part of the program of NA is "working" (writing) the 12 steps. There is a book called the Step Guide which is very structured with specific questions that guide you through each step. Someone told me a while back that I feel like sh*t and think like sh*t because I'm full of sh*t and that working the steps would help to get all that garbage out of me, and they were right. Even though I'm only on step one so far, it has helped me so much to truly accept that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life was unmanageable, just like my signature says. Denial is a powerful thing and even in the face of overwhelming evidence it still took some doing for me to accept the facts of my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life. If you can't afford the book, let me know as there is a link to it online and I will post it for you.

Keep coming back, Samo - you'll get lots of support here, but some face-to-face support would also be very helpful for you, especially in these early days. Believe me, there's no support quite like what you'll get from other recovering addicts.

Love and hugs!

[Stephanie]

Hi Samo,

I know you are very dpressed right now and rightly so but I just loved your post. It was so honest and expressive. You definitely have a knack for getting your feelings out there. That's great for being so early in recovery. Congrats on your 2 days. I always thought that if Heroin were my drug of choice, once I got clean, I wouldn't go back because of how bad the detox is. I know you started feeling a little better during the 7 days but it really takes a while for our bodies to rid ourselves of the toxins so we can start to feel better.

You have to believe that you will not always feel this way. This is not what being clean feels like. This is what detox feels like. You're going to be OK. It really does get a lot better. I think everyone here can relate to the feelings you expressed here in the beginning of their recovery. This too shall pass. Oh and what you said about the smilies was so funny, I loved it. You do know there's more right. If you click on the get more link under them there's more. OK I am going to find one that doesn't look like it's mocking anyone.........:bow :thumb :clap

There ya go....how's that????

[Chy]

Hi samo and congrats on you 2 day's. Good words already said and I hope you take the advice of taking care of yourself force yourself to eat, drink plenty of fluids and take mult-vitamins. I too found myself sick when I quit drinking and had to start feeding the old "booze saturated" body normal and proper nutrition to get to feeling half way decent. I hope you will find a support system as well. We do have online chat and meetings here which may be a start for you to find something in your area. Hang in there, your not a bad person, just sick, and with time you'll get better.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/anno...?s=&forumid=43

[samo]

OH GOD THERE ARE MORE SMILIES>>>>>
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

[Stephanie]

LMAO!!!!!!!!

[Trooth]

Samo, I hope you feel better soon. I can relate to the feelings. The madness I felt lasted for close to 4 years of vowing to quit, and relapsing, getting depressed, being broke, blaming myself, feeling like crap, promising not to do it again, relapse, rinse, repeat...

Just like Margo I tried doing it by myself unsuccessfully for too long. I needed support, and I found it through my family. I can understand that isn't a solution that is available to everyone. Narcotics anonymous, this board, and any other support you can find is available and free if you will reach out to it. I believe that it is very important to have support, and maybe even more important to realize that you can't manage the insanity on your own.

Keep coming back and posting, your openeness and honesty is appreciated.