Another day, same problems

[misskitty25]

Since posting yesterday, I've been reading post after post, identifying with so many. It's a new day, but the same problems abound. I know that the sooner I stop using, the better. Logically it all makes sense. But my mind CRAVES the pills, the marijuana, the wine... There are days I can go with nothing, and I'm damn proud of myself when that happens. But I really don't know how to mentally prepare myself to get 'clean.' Neither do I know if I'm ready to face the consequences of the truth coming out to family and friends. While I'm so unhappy in this life, I can't imagine a new life. Even before the drugs, I've made so many 'fresh starts,' and still, I wound up here. I feel like nothing but a complete failure.

I guess that posting here is a good start, but I know deep down it's not enough. As scared as I am to continue this behavior, I am more terrified of stopping it. Such a frusterating experience. Who was I kidding when I thought taking a pill wasn't going to lead to more?

I watched Oprah yesterday, and it was all about surburban housewives addicted to opiates. One woman said, that even when the pain isn't there, she feels the need to have her Vicodin 'just in case.' I know that feeling all to well. What if, when I need the drugs, I don't have them? But I can't control the behavior when I do have pills in my posession, so I'm only lying to myself.

[nohiogal]

I have tried many times to stop drinking and failed. The only thing that is keeping me sober now (16 days sober) is going to AA meetings. Without going to a meeting everyday and talking with people who are just like me I could never be as strong as I have been. I take one day at a time. I can not look at next month, next week or even tomorrow. I have to only be strong enough for today.

Before the first meeting I was very scared to go and I got some tough love and good advice from this board. As they told me...
"Go to a meeting...RUN don't walk" and thats so true.

I am so grateful to the people here and at the meetings I attend. Without them I would be not sober today. 16 days is not a alot but its 16 days into a new life and thats a wonderful start.

Keep coming back

[dotcom]

hi misskitty!

im glad your posting here! and that your identifying a problem. for me, i told my fam and friends a million times that i was cleaned up, but i was lying. but this past time around, i now have 10 months and im really trying to learn new things and new ways to improve myself. my dos was methamphet...not ritalin, but the street version. at first i wanted to tell my fam etc what i was doing and how i was changing...on top of the fact that i was in withdrawl and was very paranoid. what i did was a just took one step at a time (im still learning to do this). i let my fam know what was going on, but i didnt let myself get down when they still didnt trust me. i had no right to expect that from them. then i just worked on getting me back to health, mentally as well as phys. im still working on that too. it started to be about me growing up and becoming a mature adult (which im still working on lol). i guess i just wanted a new life so bad and i surrendered my addiction to jesus. then things just started "clicking" for me. its not been a cakewalk at all. i kept hoping the next time around there would be no more worries, but now im accepting those problems and asking for help. just remember DONT GIVE UP! GOD BLESS!

[Jon]

misskitty, our "minds" can't fix themselves. They're broken. The only thing that seems to work is action.

Getting "mentally prepared" is an illuion. Our addicted brains will usually find a way to convice us to keep going.

The real question is, to what lengths are you willing to go to get and stay clean?

[misskitty25]

Jon, I really can't answer your question, because I simply don't know what lengths I'm willing to go to to clean up. You're right my mind is sick, there's no denying that.

I have a question for all of you spiritual or religious folks out there. It seems to me that you must give your power to "God" as part of the 12 step process. I know that religion and spirituality are not one and the same. But I have a really hard time buying the notion of a force out there that cares for me. I went through a really traumatic experience with a mind controlling religious group, and when I finally got out of it, my belief system was shattered. That was 3 years ago, and I still have no faith. I guess I haven't formed a question yet... maybe there isn't one. I would love to fill that spiritual void, but have a lot of bitterness towards organized religion, and even, God, in general. Often I think I'm being punished for leaving the religion I did, since that's when the addiction really began....

Sigh, no drugs today. That is a good thing.

[Jon]

Then let's keep it simple.

Do you believe that any, or some, of the people here have found recovery from addiction?

If so, you believe.

Can you accept that most did it with the help of something other than just them? And if they got help, well tha why not you?

Great, you have some faith.


Thats all you need right now. And if you can start there, you are well on your way.

[Justme57]

Misskitty , I can relate to your bitterness. Although the religion i was involved in , was a recognized one, it was a controlling influence , and specialised in heaping on the guilt ! So i was a bit like you , but i have always intrinsically believed in God , since I have not had a relationship with Him now for some time, I am finding my way back.

I believe that this is a personal decision, and everyone has to find their HP in their own way , for me it is God , cos I have seen in the past what He can do, but it is not so for everyone .

For me , admitting that I was pwerless over Alcohol, meant , logically , that I needed help from something outside me . I chose the God I know , just cos I know Him, but I believe that for others it can be anything that they consider more powerful than themselves .

I wish you luck in your search, and if you continue to seek you will find your own HP

HUGX and LUV
Lee

Ps. 91

[dotcom]

hi misskitty!

i can understand your troubles with religion, etc. i dont believe in jehovas witness, mormanism, budhism, catholisism, becoming "spiritual", spiritualism, yang yang (dont know how to spell ). all i know is that i believe in Gods saving grace, and that Jesus died for my sins. i guess youd say im a born again believer. i dont go to church regularly, and thats not a bad thing. i fellowship with those in my 12 step group. i suppose id say that God is my religion...i havent looked up the definition of christianity, but i can be sure that i believe in God. its what i believe and im not trying to push it on you. thats just whats made a big dif in my life. have a good day.

[misskitty25]

I hope I haven't offended anyone. I think probably, what's best for one person isn't always best for another. To those of you who have found a higher power, my genuine congrats. I appreciate every single word from everyone that's responded to me since joining yesterday. You are all an inspiration, and maybe right now, that can be a starting point.

[Justme57]

You certainly have not offended me misskitty ! Whats to offend ? we are in the same boat ! lol

LUV
Lee

[Jon]

Exactly.

Just believe that people DO recover.

Thats more than enough for now...

[dotcom]

same here!!!

[amanda_76]

Hey MissKitty25,
I hope you get this...we were talking about our moms and I would like to know more about your child hood, and see if it was very similar to mine. There are so many things that I have not been able to make sense of as a person due to her illness and it would be very cool to identify with someone who knows what I have been through. Please email me
amanda_kaiser@juno.com
I know of no one else that has had to deal with this disease like I have. It would be nice for once to relate to someone.
Amanda