feel like I'm falling off the wagon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
feel like I'm falling off the wagon
Help!
I can not quit OBSESSING over drugs again! I have 4 months clean, and was doing perfectly fine up until a few days ago. I know my relationship with my HP is suffering right now, and I need to find a way to rekindle that. I have fallen off that pink cloud, and am having a really hard time right now. I don't want to relapse, I have done that enough. I have enough white keytags to make a shower curtain! I don't know where to turn. I have talked with my sponsor, but she can not babysit me. I have to be responsible for this. I don't know, I just feel like I'm falling. I guess I'm not sure how badly I want this after all.
I can not quit OBSESSING over drugs again! I have 4 months clean, and was doing perfectly fine up until a few days ago. I know my relationship with my HP is suffering right now, and I need to find a way to rekindle that. I have fallen off that pink cloud, and am having a really hard time right now. I don't want to relapse, I have done that enough. I have enough white keytags to make a shower curtain! I don't know where to turn. I have talked with my sponsor, but she can not babysit me. I have to be responsible for this. I don't know, I just feel like I'm falling. I guess I'm not sure how badly I want this after all.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Maybe its Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
PAWS « Digital Dharma
Don't use, no matter what. You'll lose all the ground you've gained over the last four months. If its PAWS it will pass. Another thought is that there is something else going on in your life that you are used to running to drugs to resolve. This are the things that must be faced clean and dealt with sober or recovery can't move forward.
Wishing you the strength to bear through this.
PAWS « Digital Dharma
Don't use, no matter what. You'll lose all the ground you've gained over the last four months. If its PAWS it will pass. Another thought is that there is something else going on in your life that you are used to running to drugs to resolve. This are the things that must be faced clean and dealt with sober or recovery can't move forward.
Wishing you the strength to bear through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Wings. I am glad you posted this. I too have hit a bit of a rough patch and keep questioning if this is really what I want and if it is why am I not that happy and why do I feel like this over and over again after a few months clean? You have enough keytags to make a shower curtain and I have enough coins to make a manhole cover. I have been here before and I too know I don't want to go back to the hell of active addiction. I know it will pass and I pray about it every day, but I have to be patient. I have been knocked over so many times I am not sure if I can pick myself back up again. I have never really stayed sober long enough to truly give the program a chance to work (I have had 6 months twice and 1,2, and 3 months who knows how many times). I have seen some amazing things in recovery, but I always convince myself to just F*ck it when I have a string of bad days. When life starts to get manageable again I want to self destruct. I need to stay out of my own way - stop taking my will back. Realize that I deserve to be sober and deserve to be happy. This too shall pass. Don't use no matter what even if your ass falls off right? Pain is a great motivator. I am tired of numbing myself. In order to grow I need to feel some of these things. I recommend just staying connected. Keep being honest. Things will get better (for both of us)!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((OWW))) and (((Marcus))) - I've got almost 4 years, and am going through a really rough patch in my life. Yeah, the thought "I want to be numb" comes up, but I don't give into it. I can still, vividly remember my last relapse, and it wasn't pretty.
When the thoughts come up, I know it's a sign that something is bothering me and I need to figure another way to deal with it. Is it any of the HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) stuff (sometimes it's all 4). Usually I'm just frustrated beyond belief. I've found ways to get through it...walk on the treadmill (or at the park if it's nice weather), get out of my house and drive through the country, PRAY, vent to a friend (I've made several on here, that we e-mail back and forth), post here, read threads of people who have gone back out to remind me it's not an option I want.
Right now, I have a broken tooth, no insurance, not enough money to pay my bills, despite working as much as I can, living with a family who is drowning in dysfunction, and going back to school. Frustrated? You bet. Want to get numb? Not an option. That's what got me here in the FIRST place.
The bad days don't last...I promise. BTDT.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
When the thoughts come up, I know it's a sign that something is bothering me and I need to figure another way to deal with it. Is it any of the HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) stuff (sometimes it's all 4). Usually I'm just frustrated beyond belief. I've found ways to get through it...walk on the treadmill (or at the park if it's nice weather), get out of my house and drive through the country, PRAY, vent to a friend (I've made several on here, that we e-mail back and forth), post here, read threads of people who have gone back out to remind me it's not an option I want.
Right now, I have a broken tooth, no insurance, not enough money to pay my bills, despite working as much as I can, living with a family who is drowning in dysfunction, and going back to school. Frustrated? You bet. Want to get numb? Not an option. That's what got me here in the FIRST place.
The bad days don't last...I promise. BTDT.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Onewithwings - Marcus,
I cant tell you how many times I felt what your feeling, over and over again. My last relapse was over 9 years ago and I had a 11 year period of not using before that relapse.
Honesty about where one is at and how the disease is working in your life is so important, you got some valuable information about all of that now from your last relapse so take it as educational so to speak.
This is about spirituality, something is wrong inside most of us spiritually we let things eat at us. If your craving, obsessing over the drugs there definetly something inside unsettling, causing discomfort and you need to write on that, share it with others especially in a meeting and with a sponsor who knows where your coming from.
We may feel well some days and sick on other days, but we are addicts every day. At any time, we are subject to delusion, denial, rationalization, justification, insanity-all the hallmarks of the typical addict's way of thinking. If we want to continue living and enjoying life without the use of drugs, we must practice an active program of recovery each day.
Dont be hard on yourself this is all a process and you will grow especially how far both of you have come.
TB
I cant tell you how many times I felt what your feeling, over and over again. My last relapse was over 9 years ago and I had a 11 year period of not using before that relapse.
Honesty about where one is at and how the disease is working in your life is so important, you got some valuable information about all of that now from your last relapse so take it as educational so to speak.
This is about spirituality, something is wrong inside most of us spiritually we let things eat at us. If your craving, obsessing over the drugs there definetly something inside unsettling, causing discomfort and you need to write on that, share it with others especially in a meeting and with a sponsor who knows where your coming from.
We may feel well some days and sick on other days, but we are addicts every day. At any time, we are subject to delusion, denial, rationalization, justification, insanity-all the hallmarks of the typical addict's way of thinking. If we want to continue living and enjoying life without the use of drugs, we must practice an active program of recovery each day.
Dont be hard on yourself this is all a process and you will grow especially how far both of you have come.
TB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Thanks for your comments Amy/TB. I really appreciate them. Hopefully you are hanging in there OWW as this was your thread and I haven't seen you back yet. I completely agree that there is something missing for me spiritually. When I first began my journey about 4 years ago I thought I was a decent person who just drank and did drugs too much. I spent so much effort focusing on the physical side (the withdrawals and trying to treat my physical symptoms) that I ignored everything else. Once I recovered physically and life started to get better I would convince myself that I wasn't really that bad OR I didn't really want/deserve sobriety and my EGO (Easing God Out) crept back into the equation. I was smarter than everyone else and I was going to do this thing my way.
FOR ME today I realize how important spirituality, control of my ego, and asking for help from others is. I had my wanderers group meeting last night and was able to unload quite a bit of the weight that I have been feeling the last week or so. Growth in the program for me has been slow, but it is never more evident than when I get through very difficult and stressful situations without turning to drugs and alcohol (intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us).
I have to keep seeking. Keep asking for help. Remember my last relapse (The pain / The loneliness / The desperation / Complete demoralization / Hell on earth!) Not an option, Not Today, NO THANK YOU!
The weekend is here. Time to go spend some time with my family. My wife and 3 little kids. Thank you God for my sobriety TODAY.
FOR ME today I realize how important spirituality, control of my ego, and asking for help from others is. I had my wanderers group meeting last night and was able to unload quite a bit of the weight that I have been feeling the last week or so. Growth in the program for me has been slow, but it is never more evident than when I get through very difficult and stressful situations without turning to drugs and alcohol (intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us).
I have to keep seeking. Keep asking for help. Remember my last relapse (The pain / The loneliness / The desperation / Complete demoralization / Hell on earth!) Not an option, Not Today, NO THANK YOU!
The weekend is here. Time to go spend some time with my family. My wife and 3 little kids. Thank you God for my sobriety TODAY.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Thanks for the replies!
I am doing much better today. talked to a few addicts and went to a few meetings since I typed this.
A friend in the program told me "Just because you fall off that pink cloud doesn't mean you have to land in a pile of sh*t!" Thought that was pretty wise, lol!
Not obsessing at the moment, and shared today at AA. Many people thanked me for my share, which doesn't always happen, so I figure I am doing something right, as I try to share from the heart. Now I know that if I get back up on that pink cloud I can throw a couple pillows down below to break my fall!
I am trying to let this experience remind me of what I can get through clean, and apply what I have learned to my life, so I can work my program of recovery that much better.
I am doing much better today. talked to a few addicts and went to a few meetings since I typed this.
A friend in the program told me "Just because you fall off that pink cloud doesn't mean you have to land in a pile of sh*t!" Thought that was pretty wise, lol!
Not obsessing at the moment, and shared today at AA. Many people thanked me for my share, which doesn't always happen, so I figure I am doing something right, as I try to share from the heart. Now I know that if I get back up on that pink cloud I can throw a couple pillows down below to break my fall!
I am trying to let this experience remind me of what I can get through clean, and apply what I have learned to my life, so I can work my program of recovery that much better.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: england
Posts: 356
elo lovely... I have my first 90 days in what feels and has been something like a very very long time...i too was feeling similar.. So plsd therefore to come and see your feeling brighter...and what a cool thread to be able to revisit whenever you nxt get a tough time.. Stick with the growing..it seems to be working for you xxx stay safe sweetie xx karma
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
Onewithwings,
Here's a simple observation based on something else you yourself posted....it has been 3 weeks since you posted a thread in a different forum do you see how you reverted back to this forum (not that there's anything wrong from this forum) in your own "falling"?
You didn't post in this forum during the past 3 weeks until you indicated with your thread yesterday saying (titled)you feel like you are falling off the wagon.
It may be a blessing you posted here so that others can see what you did AND didn't do! Also to see the other replies and know you made it through without picking up!
Always remember if you don't pick it up, you don't have to put it down!
Congratulations!
Missy
Here's a simple observation based on something else you yourself posted....it has been 3 weeks since you posted a thread in a different forum
No longer 'drawn' to the Substance Abuse forum
You didn't post in this forum during the past 3 weeks until you indicated with your thread yesterday saying (titled)you feel like you are falling off the wagon.
It may be a blessing you posted here so that others can see what you did AND didn't do! Also to see the other replies and know you made it through without picking up!
Always remember if you don't pick it up, you don't have to put it down!
Congratulations!
Missy
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