Going2Change

FailedTaper,

I'm trying to type through tears, thank you for coming back and thank you for your post. I'm really emotional right now, I took a bath at 8am this morning, and I've been fighting the urge to puke all day. I lost count of the BM's. I know you're a month out of this mess and all the better for it. So far, today is day 2 Sober for me. I wish I could say I felt good, I don't. Even when I dwindled down to practically taking pill dust, my body was somehow used to it and still wanting it. I've managed to fight through all of what I mentioned above and at this point, I'd only be letting myself down if I were to cave in and take any of the remaining pills. I'm not gonna lie, the thought keeps crossing my mind and I keep looking at the prescription pill bottle, it looks so strange to me, and as an Addict, I only have myself to let down. How many times have I done that? How many times have I told myself, that lie...Truth is: I don't need this medicine because it's robbed me of so much and now it's time to rebuild. I'm just glad I don't have to work today and I have no commitments, so I can stay to myself, feeling wretched, taking baths, watching movies, laying around, moaning. The worst part right now is just my stomach.

Thank you for looking in on me FailedTaper. To tell you about my night last night. After the walk I mentioned to you, I came inside, watched a few movies on Netflix, then was out the door for another walk, this was around midnight. It was freezing, but it felt so good to breathe, feel and taste the fresh, clean, cool air. I was surprised at the amount of cars out and about last night, just as I'm sure they were wondering who the hooded fellow was walking around the block, round and round, then taking the longer block, then basically running out of steam and energy, that I had to come home and crash.

I kept checking in here hoping you'd post, or anyone really, and then I thought how you and most of the others have been sober for a while and are moving on, so I thank you FailedTaper for continuing to be here, sharing your story, and giving support to me. I'm glad when I looked later this morning you were here. I really am glad for you and hope things are turning around for you.

I've written about them before, but the triggers are the things to look out for, to recognize and understand. I went CT so many times in my last relationship, hiding it all from her, I keep telling myself that there is no way in Hades that I'd be able to kick this with anyone around. Truth is, I could, and truth is, being alone is a trigger too, just like being in a relationship. Both have been triggers for me, my family, my life, but at least I recognize them and I see it all too clearly right now.

TOXIC - TOXIC - TOXIC Beware, this crap is so TOXIC I can't believe I've ingested 90 pills, sometimes 120 pills a month of this crap..I don't know what the future holds, but I do now I'm here right now, and I want to be real, honest, sober, clean and to face life again, rather than walk around in a daze, a fog, no matter what we do as professionals. Just know this stuff is out there, it's standing next to you at the bus stop, it's behind in you at the grocery store, at the movie, at the bank, your doctor could be taking it...and look, just look what I'm going through. My body's been so toxic I wonder how I lived through it. I got real worried when it had been a week, and I hadn't had 1 Bowel Movement, eating three meals a day, that is disgusting. I'm not fat, but I plumped up to 210lbs..I normally weigh 185-190. However, since I started tapering, and now that I've stopped, I've gotten back down to 196. So I'm on the way..things are turning around, I just got to shake the rest of this from my system, which I hope is at least done by the end of the week.

I'm going to stick around and update my status and when I feel good I'll let it be known, when I feel bad too.

Thanks again FailedTaper. What I wouldn't do to just give you a hug and a smile.

FT

Going2Change:

I hear you, man. The shocking thing, to me anyway, in withdrawing from this drug is that even if you were down to a couple of pills a day, the withdrawals would still hit you hard when you stopped. That's why my tapering continued to fail me every time I tried. Every time I got down to 2 or 3 pills a day, I felt so sick, even on the drug, that I went right back up even higher.

One thing that helped me was this website:

Withdrawal Survival Guide | Withdrawal-Ease

I hope they let me give you this website, because it has helped me tremendously. I did not buy the vitamins they want to sell you on that website, so please do not view this as a solicitation. But they give you online an "Oxy Survival Guide" that clearly delineates they symptoms of withdrawal, how bad they will be, and kind of a "curve" to expect as the withdrawals go away.

I had hoped for a faster withdrawal for you. I don't think you will have as hard a time as if you did not taper first. But, what I think is happening to you is that your brain chemicals were being "teased" at the end of your taper, thinking you weren't really going to stop, and now that you have -- or almost have -- your brain chemicals are going to SCREAM at you to use.

If you expect this bad stuff, and can prepare for it -- which is what I tried to do -- is you can ride through this bad stuff. Ride it like a wave, because it WILL ebb. All these symptoms will hit you hard, and then ebb. Ride through them. Do what you have been doing. Drink lots of water, try green tea, hot baths. Some people try Loperamide, which is an over the counter gastrointestinal aid, which works because it binds with the same dopamine receptors that oxys do. Without giving you the high, but it can really help the symptoms subside. The Survival Guide I linked you to above talks about what it does.

Going2Change -- please hang in there. If you want, you can private message me. I try to get on this forum several times a day. So if I am not here, I will be soon.

I'm going to keep checking on you. HANG IN THERE!

Timebuster

Going2Change,

Keep holding on. Emotions that are overly dramatic, and uncontrollable are totally normal for where you are. How could they be anything else after where you are coming from? Our heads are not used to navigating life, anything at all without our magic medicine to numb it just enough, to falsify our energy, to create enthusiasm where otherwise there is none? Allow yourself Patience and Acceptance. You are doing an incredibly wonderful thing for yourself, by virtue of that, everyone in your life will gain as you recover, This takes some doing. We can't go back and start over, but , we can start here and make a brand new ending.

The fear of the unknown used to drive me mad. Ultimately, I settled down by ACCEPTING that using was a KNOWN quantity. I know where drugs take me, I hate it, that is how I found this site. That is how all of us turn up here in varying degrees of opiate induced chaotic, personal hell. Recovery is the unknown. When I truly accepted that I had to move into the unknown at all costs, and was willing to do whatever that required, I began to grow. Over time the desire to use faded away, I had day after day where I thought " I would hate to use anyting cuz I don't want to change my reality or perception" real life can be incredibly welcoming. Please consider proactively learning about addiction and recovery. This will give your mind something incredibly positive to focus on. That will offset much, and guide you more quickly on your journey of self discovery.

Why not think about getting some face to face support? For the sober networking if anything else for now? Take it from someone with a few 24 hours under his belt: it takes a Hell of a lot more than just not using to stay clean.

Stay vigilant and no matter what, don't give up.

TB

Going2Change

Thank you TimeBuster and FailedTaper,

I am hanging in there. Haven't used and don't want to use... I have been here before and I too thought tapering would have helped me move along more. Honestly, it has because the chills, aches and anxiety seemed to go away with the close of a week of tapering. I'm left with some nasty stomach issues today. I just hope it will over the next few days. I've prepared for them by stocking on lots of wet wipes and toilet paper. I just hate throwing up and am trying my best no to do so, although I tell myself that it would make me feel better, to yak it all out...and so would taking part of one of the pills I have left. But I keep resisting, acknowledging my Addict Voice. I'm going to change.

FailedTaper: Thanks for the link. I too visited that site and saw the vitamins, but I will check out your reference. I am curious that is for sure and just as you are doing, I like to educate myself about myself. I meant to tell you, I've read Eckhart Tolle before and have listened to him many times as well. The last few times I went CT, I read the Bible as much as I could. I wanted to understand Jesus, to know the stories. I learned a lot about me in doing so.

TimeBuster: The last time I was sober, I did a year of two sessions a week of PsychoTherapy. I understand what addiction is and what it means to be an addict, to keep reaching out to feel better, it's a learned pattern and I know it well. I know there is much more to addiction and being sober because we are all different. I can tell you, for me, no matter how much face2face time I get or got, in the end, I'm left with me, when there is no one else around, you have to be okay with you. What I mean is, it's me who brought myself to this poison, it's me who decided to stop taking it again, it's me who decided to stop smoking, it's me who decided to taper, and no matter where I go, there I am...I don't mean to belittle anything or any way of getting help. There are many ways to get help and stay clean. The reason I stopped going to PsychoTherapy was because I had just started seeing the first pain dr who got me in to this mess in the first place, now I'm 3 pain dr's later and this is the last one, the last time, the last place. The big challenge is to stop the monthly visit. Mine is coming up next week, can you believe I finished 90 pills two weeks early for my next visit? WTH? I'm an addict that is for sure and you are right, I have to be strong the rest of my life and especially this week.

Thanks to everyone..much love...much support...

FT

Going2Change:

I ran myself out of my pills THREE WEEKS before I was due to see my pain doctor again. In other words, I took all three weeks of pills in just over a week. I took not only the ones this guy prescribed for me, but a two week dose of oxys that I persuaded a dentist to prescribe for me. I took something like 150 pills in a week or so.

That's when I quit, with that quick 3 day "taper" I told you about, so I wouldn't have a seizure. My appointment with the pain doctor approached, just a few days away, when I was a couple of weeks off oxys. I called and cancelled the appointment. I knew that I could make another appointment if I wanted to, but I never did. I still haven't told that last pain doctor that I have quit the oxys. I'm afraid to go in there, because it is a BIG trigger, and I would be tempted to get more pills. He would give them to me without question. But I didn't do it. I did have the support of my husband saying DON'T GO BACK THERE. The pain doctor I saw before the last one always had a waiting room full of about 20 people, most of whom looked strung out, all waiting to get in to get their drugs. I always had to wait over an hour to see him, in a filthy waiting room filled with other drug addicts. I felt soiled, really. I understand those people now, though.

I just wanted to comment on "stealing" from yourself. That's exactly what I would do. I would apportion out all of my pills for each day, with exactly how many I was "allowed" each day. Then, every day, I would run myself short and start "stealing" from the pills I had at the end of my run. By the time my appointment approached, I was always shorter and shorter on pills. That's where the dentists and other doctors "helped" me out, not knowing I was already on this drug.

Geez. What a life. You can do this. My strong suggestion is do NOT go back to your pain doctor. That trigger is too difficult to face without giving in. For me, it's not a good idea to keep a supply of pills, "just in case." I would just end up taking them.

Keep on truckin. I'm glad you found Tolle. He pulled me out of some bad depression when my arthritis got so bad I couldn't walk. That was just at the start of my addiction, my road into multiple surgeries, and this oxycodone hell.

It really is hell. Just think of how sick you feel, and why you feel this way. Your body is so toxed out, it now seeks to eliminate all the toxins. Vomiting and diarrhea are ways to do that. That's why you need as much fluid as you can muster. Get ice chips. Crushed ice is better. Don't gulp it. Some of the local fast food restaurants have a crushed ice that is real easy to eat. Our local Taco Time has that. Or get an ice crusher.

Ride this wave. In just a few more days, you are going to start to feel normal.

Going2Change

Exactly, call it what you will, taking too many, over-doing it, stealing from yourself...

You are right, if I walk into a pain dr.'s office it's all over for me, for another month, and I'll be right back here. My AV keeps telling me otherwise, that I can simply waltz in there, get the script no questions asked, and keep them for "just in case." Truth is, I'd be right back where I was. I don't want to go back there, I've made some good progress and it would be a shame to ruin it, again, as I've done before.

FailedTaper, I know you know this, but that's the difference between OxyCodone and OxyContin, they are essentially the same thing, except one stays in your system a shorter amount of time, while the other is supposed to work on an 8 hour time frame. My point is this, before I ever started taking OxyContin, I was prescribed Norco 10/325 120 to 240 a month...and like you I took them all in a week or a week and a 1/2's time frame. It wasn't until I started the OxyContin, that I couldn't take more than 5 pills in a day, but Norco, I could take 25 or 28 without even thinking about it. I feel for you and I'm sorry this happened to you, like it did me and everyone else. I can't believe how strong you've been.

My stomach has still been rough, but not as bad as this morning. This is only day two, sober, but when I look back at last week, had I not tapered myself down, I would have been a wreck. I had no other choice. I looked at how many pills I had left until my dr. visit, then I looked at the days I had left to wait to get there and if I wouldn't have tapered, I would have been done with them Monday (MLK Day). I wanted to kick that weekend because I had a long one with the holiday, but I stuck to my tapering because I want no part of the WD's of going CT off this stuff again. So I fought through it all last week, the ups, the downs, then the feeling guilty that I wasn't strong enough to just stop CT, and then telling myself to take all the pills and check into detox. My mind has been all over the place. I'm glad I did it this way...

FT

Don't feel bad about how you've done this. This is your way. I wasn't strong enough to do it CT until I failed the taper so many times I had no choice. You are doing a great job. If you find yourself ready to step into the pain doctor's office, maybe you should step through the detox door instead. Take the right step.

Oxycontin is the same drug as oxycodone. Oxycodone is short acting, the effect comes on quickly and has a shorter duration than Oxycontin. Oxycontin is intended to be time released and last all day, but most addicts crush it up, smoke it, snort it, or shoot it. Give the whole day's rush at once. In theory, oxycontin is supposed to be more highly addictive, but the oxycodone can be just as addicting. I could easily swallow 25 pills in a day and not feel high, just feel good. It took 25 a day to get the same feeling that 6 a day did for me at first. I just went up, and up, and up, and up. With this short acting stuff, that is why I woke up sick in a cold sweat every morning, because I was in a continual withdrawal state every morning, having deprived my body of the drug over night. My waking sweats were getting earlier and earlier, until I just felt sick, shaking and sweating, from about midnight until I couldn't stand it any more and had to get up. That is behind me now, thank God.

Don't be so harsh on yourself. Don't dwell on how you think you should have done this instead. You are doing it the way you are doing it, and it is working. You are having the right self doubts, the right fears of the triggers, the right reluctance to go back through that pain doctor's door.

Just think, you don't have to do this past week, or weeks, all over again, if you must move forward from here. If you relapse, or just keep using, whatever you want to call it, all of the hell awaits you for the next time you think you can do it. As I've mentioned a number of times, the advice from a seasoned NA guy I met years ago, you really don't know how many recoveries you have in you.

For me, I don't want to have to find out if I have another recovery in me. I've been through hell with this withdrawal, far worse than I imagined it was going to be. I "followed" the Oxy Survival Guide, and I thought I would feel good in a week. That is the main downfall of that guide. I felt like hell for at least 2+ weeks and more. I've really only felt pretty good on a consistent basis for the last couple of weeks. This week, I sleep until about 7 am and don't have the cold sweats any more. Still hard to sleep at night, but at least I don't wake up sick anymore. I don't ever want to wake up sick and craving drugs ever again.

Keep up your good work. You describe a tough go these past few days, and you have hung in there anyway. You've earned your way to feeling better, and you will feel better. Give this the time your body needs to detox.

FT

Just another note. Oxycodone is often mixed with tylenol in drugs like Percocet, Norco, Roxy, etc. That means that if you take more than 8 doses of them a day, you are toxing out your liver with the tylenol part of the drug, not even counting the oxy. Bad stuff.

SquareHead

It's not easy to walk away from the Dr's when you know it's so accessible. I had been kicking for about 3 weeks when I came up on my scheduled appointment, and had a tough time making that call to cancel. The worst part was driving past that office everyday to & from work, but I was committed & I didn't want to return to my personal prison. My CT detox was awful from an 8 year 500-1000 mgs/day habit, but I did get through it & so can you.

Now I'm at 136 days clean & I'm dealing with life as a human being again. It seems impossible at first, but you can do this & it's well worth it. Stay strong & use any means necessary to help (SR, NA, AA, etc.). I use this board & NA to help me in my recovery. I don't ever want to return to active addiction.

SH

Going2Change

SquareHead:

Thanks for stopping by. It means a lot that all of you are here: FailedTaper, NetSniper, TimeBuster, SquareHead, Amy, I can recall all your handles without really even thinking about it. You all come to my mind, this struggle we all share, the stories..

Just wanted to stop in to say, I'm still clean. I've been sober over 48 hours now and I'm working on day 3 tomorrow. Yippeee oh and my stomach has gotten better for now.

FailedTaper: Your story made me cringe reading it. I used to be the same way. I know what you went through because I was taking much the same as you, just over a year ago, then got prescribed OxyContin and all that changed. I still had to climb the ladder to get higher, and towards the end I finally gave up trying to climb the ladder, because I didn't get high anymore. I needed the medicine to function, to feel normal.

Going in reverse, that part was weird to watch last week as I tapered off. As this process goes in reverse, my body got adjusted to less and less of the poison. I realized I certainly didn't need as much as I'd been taking and as I said, I haven't felt high in a long time ago, I've been in containment, functioning mode. Trying to stretch the pills out until my next monthly visit, this month no different than the rest, running out early. What a life?

I've been trying to recall my opiate use over the last years since 2006. That was the year this monkey started crawling up my back. He finally got there 5 years later...anyway, it's hard to think right now and things are hazy but I got it all straightened out. All the times I've been here before, wanting to stop, trying to stop, stopping, then starting over again with the pain dr.'s. What I came to realize is this, it's where I get my will power, I've lived my life trying NOT to turn out like my parents. They were both Alkies and one was a pill popper, and still is...anyway, I have none of their vices...no smoking, no drinking and this is the final one...I've got to slay this dragon once and for all. I'm NOT gonna turn out that way. It stops here with me...That thought alone gives me strength for now.

I hope you all have strength too...

SickButHappy

Howdy... I jumped off Friday 1-21-11 after a self-induced taper over the previous week. I have no legitimate reason for doing pills - never had oxy prescribed... hard to say how much I was doing, but I am fortunate to still have a good job... but I was shoveling through $3000 to $4000 a month buying Oxy off the street. Bottom line - I couldnt look in the mirror at the person I had become - my entire life was about pills... and the people that you befriend to get more pills - geez. I had enough and Friday was the day. And dig this - I have a pile of pills in front me and for as miserable as the last three days have been... I wouldnt eat one of these pills.... why?

BECAUSE I WANT TO QUIT - NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE AND EASY

Every toilet run... every puke... every emotional crying outburst... watching so much freaking tv over the last three days AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! LOL

But its all good and why?

BECAUSE I WANT TO QUIT - NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE AND EASY

I have read literally hundreds, maybe thousands of stories on these forums and many others. Most of what I read is amazing - flat out impressive... but I noticed a trend and thats what I latched onto....

YES YES YES I WAS SCARED TO DEATH TO STOP ... That's just the little junkie inside all of us... but when YOU had enough of the life on oxy... you will stop - you will at least try... I never tried to quit... just kept on justifying the oxy cycle.

If you're mad as hell and want out - stop eating the pills and deal the W/D... the W/D and me... heh - we've made it a game... and I won't forget this journey.

But that's me.

As many people have said - there are professionals that can help... I almost did the Suboxone... prepaid the first appointment and then blew it off... point being - seek help .... every single one of us got here for a very very very VERY unique set of reasons and circumstances... personally, I'm glad I took this path - it sucks but therein lies the lesson.

To get off the Oxy Express... You gotta' want it... JUST MY OPIN

I'm SICK... But I'm HAPPY.

PEACE!! BE STRONG - MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT FOR YOU ALL AND THANK YOU!

PS - GOING2CHANGE - I'M WITH YA - You nailed it "Going in reverse, that part was weird to watch last week as I tapered off. As this process goes in reverse, my body got adjusted to less and less of the poison. I realized I certainly didn't need as much as I'd been taking and as I said, I haven't felt high in a long time ago, I've been in containment, functioning mode."

PSS - I'm 45... Single, No Kids, Never Married (Ya' think pills and blow eff'd up some great relationships? YOU BETCHA'!

SickButHappy

Hey there... you're already going in the right direction because you're seeking information... but don't just read about it... ACT ON IT. Just quit and ride out the W/d... OR get a Doctor and/or professional involved... but do it. If you're here - you know you gotta' a problem...

To all the peeps going through W/D right now... HYDRATE... Force liquids... Gatorade or Pedialite... H2O is cool, too ...



One of these days the skies gonna break and everything will escape and i'll know
One of these days the mountains are gonna fall into the sea and they'll know
That you and i were made for this, I was made to taste your kiss, we were made to never fall away
Never Fall Away
One of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky telling us all to go free
But untill that day i'll find a way to let everybody know that your coming back (mmm) your coming back for me
Cause even though you left me here i have nothing left to fear, these are only walls to hold me here
Hold me here, hold me here, hold me here
Only walls that hold me here
One day soon i'll hold you like the sun holds the moon and we will hear these planes overhead and we won't have to be scared
Cause we wont have to be scared
Cause we wont have to be scared
your coming back for me
Your coming back to me

Come Back to me

- Letters From The Sky by Civil Twilight

SquareHead

SBH,

Welcome!

I wish you the best in trying to improve your life & it surely will improve if you are successful. That part is all up to you.

It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but well worth it.

SH

SickButHappy

Day 3 is in the books in two more hours... I really had to push myself... but I went out ran the freakin snowblower (that I blew off on Friday cuz I was ailin') All I can say is - excercise makes a huge difference!

I'm running to my office to handle some billing - the last thing in the world I want to do but being oxy-free won't be quite as cool if I'm jobless.

I just had another sneezing fit (love those )

PEACE!

PS - MY BEST FRIEND DURING ALL THIS? Two Heating Pads plus... Imodium and Gatorade - Save your azz, get some Imodium BTW... I flushed the pills - nothing good could come of them.

FT

Going2Change:

Hey there. How ya' doin.

We're still here, still care about how you are doing.

FT

SickButHappy:

Cool that you picked up on the fear thing. I, too, was scared to stop taking oxy. I could not even IMAGINE how I was going to have the ability to function without them. And I had PROOF! Every time I tried to taper down, as soon as I got down to a few pills a day, I COULD NOT FUNCTION. I was SICK. So THIS is real life, said my drug brain. That kind of thinking kept me on oxy for 2 years. I was certain I would feel sick all the time for the rest of my life if I stopped taking it. It was only when I began feeling sick ANYWAY even though I was taking high doses, I realized that the drug was killing me.

Waking up in a cold sweat, sick and barely unable to move until I got that first dose in. Then, AHHHHHHH, for a LITTLE while, I would feel good again. Until the next dose. If I waited too long, sick, sweating, awful. The oxy cycle. Geez.

I'm 5+ weeks clean now, and I can now tell my addict brain to go F--- off. The drug was lying to me, or I was lying to myself. My pain, from osteoarthritis, too, was WAY WORSE if I tried to taper down on the oxy. That was a lie, too. Yes, I still have pain from my arthritis (even after two prosthetic knees in 2009), but it is pain that I now consider part of my life, it isn't that bad. Lots and lots of people live with varying degrees of pain. We each have our own threshold. Pain, too, is something we can make decisions about, use methods other than drugs to manage it.

For me, heat, ice, massage, EXERCISE, all help.

I agree with the Imodium (loperamide), which did seem to help me the most in the first week of withdrawals. It seemed to help the stomach cramps.

KEEP ON TRUCKING, SBH. We like your story, everyone's story helps contribute something, and you really have something to say. You CAN do this, man.

Going2Change

Hello SickButHappy and FaliedTaper...

I'm still here. I'm still sober. Today is day 3 as well and it's almost in the can and behind me. I'm still fighting some stomach issues but nothing as bad as the past few days. I've had to battle the AddictVoice as well a few times today, but now that I'm home and not at work, I'm a bit more comfortable and able to relax some. I'm still super thankful for tapering. I know me, and I wouldn't have made it otherwise.

I've still got the bottle with 2 3/4's pills in it and I too keep thinking of flushing them. I thought about giving them to a friend, but what kind of friend would I be...I don't want to get anyone started on this poison. I will let you know what I decide.

I don't have many words of wisdom at the moment, I'm just glad people are here and are reading. It helps a lot. I'm pretty certain by this time next week, a week from now, things will have turned around some for me, physically and mentally.

Last night was so hard to sleep. I sweat through the entire night in my sleep.

I feel for you SickButHappy and welcome aboard. It sounds like you and I are almost in the same boat. No Kids, No Relationship, No nothing, except me, myself and I. I too realized it was time to stop this after over a year. I don't want to live like that anymore..I look at people whizzing by me on the street and I think to myself it's time for me to catch up because I was in a coma (not literally) due to the OxyContin. I'm glad you flushed them and good for you to make it to day 3.

FailedTaper, how are you? a Massage sounds nice...I wish I had that option while coming off this stuff...

FT

Wow,

Thanks Going2Change, thank you, thank you for asking. It really does feel nice that people I don't even know can feel this trauma, empathize with it, know how it feels to do this.

I can truly say that it gets better every day now. I'm even getting to sleep better at night. And if I wake up at 2 or 3 am like I used to, no more cold sweats and nausea, and I just turn over and go back to sleep. Wow. I think of all those sick mornings I endured.

I can also say that I feel ALMOST like my old self. I used to run around like crazy, and didn't slow down til late in the day. I'm doing that in an enforced manner (I am a university student, getting a 3rd degree, at age 59 -- what a stupid thing to do), and I work as well. I will returning to the medical field, returning to practice later this year. I'm not someone you would want taking oxycodone. I can't believe I did this.

Both you guys (Going2Change and SBH) are going to feel better and better, but if your experience mirrors mine at all, the first few weeks will have sudden dips that surprise you, when you feel like crap again and dysfunctional, but those dips don't go as low and are less frequent the longer you are off this toxin.

So, hang in there. Recognize your awful symptoms as the detoxifying your body has to do. Your addict brain will continue to call out to you, and I don't think that ever goes away. (I mentioned at one point that during this withdrawal, I started having ALCOHOL cravings, which I quit over 20 years ago). Your addict brain will live inside your head, just waiting for an opportunity to take over again. I really believe this is a lifelong fight.

At my age, 59, I don't EVER want to go through this again. It gets harder and harder with age. Your body starts to wear out and does not recover physically as easily as it does in your 20's and 30's. I truly don't know if I have another recovery in me, or whether this drug would just kill me the next time -- I need to make very certain there IS NO NEXT TIME.

Peace, guys. I'm here, I understand this gig, probably for the first time I ever have. I no longer view those who can't stop this madness as being defective individuals. Sometimes life is just too hard, and whatever resources we are born with or acquire through life, sometimes they are just not enough. We survive.

FT

PS -- The massage. Ha! I do my own, my knees, I can reach them!

SickButHappy

Hey there G2C & Taper!

One thing that amazes me that while everyone has their own unique experience starting/stopping opiate abuse... it's really all the same story. I can remember taking a freaking Vic 7.5/500 and I was toasted... four years later - here we be... it's twisted. it's disgusting. it's expensive. it kills your sex life... it's all consuming. it sucks and I'm a lucky one - a fool, but lucky still that I don't have a prexisting injury and require PM.

I apologize if my first post came off cocky... up until I stopped researching the detox options and any other excuse I could use to not stop... I was a spectator to other people's detox plans.

Let me be clear - my week taper sucked out loud... I was doing around 160mg a day with binges here and there... I tapered at 160 > 120 > 100 > 80 > 80 > and Friday I did 40mg and was hurting by Noon ET and the REAL fun began... Now I am well into Day 3 OX-FREE... and truthfully - I worked outside today in freezing weather and ate half a cheesesteak - first solid food in five days (that hasnt come back up).

AT THIS MOMENT? I just performed the 15th showing of SNEEZEFEST 2011 which in turn kind of pulled my back out. I'm kind of tired, dirty despite having taken four baths and a few showers since Friday... yuck.

G2C... Dude - Get rid of the pills. You're quitting, right? That's why we are here, right? - to do this **** once - the pills are little colored chicklets of death - throw the ******* things OUT or sell them - you still need cash when you're sober

Taper - Thank you for the kind words of support. I look back on going to the Doctor for Subox and all the dancing around the simple issue of stop taking OXY... and it was only when I really got into the game and said that's enough. Scared and Blind, like an Evil Poop Fountain

G2C - Toss the pills - you can't take what you don't got.

Cigarettes taste terrible now - my fav incense smells crappy - lot's of crazy **** going on with my body right now - I can feel it - I embrace the W/D - Bring it on, bitch - you are dead in my eyes.

Keep diggin' G2C - embrace the ailments, they are our initiation into the OX-FREE Wonderland that awaits... this afternoon really cleared up for me and I'm ready to ride this wave for a month - whatever it takes. Don't give up and get rid of triggers and weakness - toss the pills and tell people you score pills from that you are in Detox - VOILA - they don't call.

I think I got a little taste of what this is going to be like.

Man, I like it.

FOK THE OX

PEACE!

Steve



PS - The entire addiciton thing is so complicated but what we are doing here and now is simple - each day we are choosing not take the poison pill. It's really that simple - dont take the pills and tough out the W/D... the haze will lift