Does life ever become "enjoyable" again?
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Originally Posted by Lizrox 
I am one month off of amphetamines and still miss them like crazy. I used to abuse Vicodin as well but I find it much harder to get off the adderall.
I think of my drug all the time and pray hopefully this will get easier. It did with Vicodin.
I have drug dreams all the time as well. A couple of nights ago I dreamt I found a whole bottle of adderall..
I hope this becomes easier for you.
I think of my drug all the time and pray hopefully this will get easier. It did with Vicodin.
I have drug dreams all the time as well. A couple of nights ago I dreamt I found a whole bottle of adderall..
I hope this becomes easier for you.
Hang in there Lizrox, it takes time for the obsession with the drug to fade away. One month isn't a long enough time. Your life will become so enjoyable if you can get over the hump of craving and using. Your life will be peaceful if you just give sobriety a chance to feel normal. It's difficult because it take so long, and we don't have patience because we are addicts.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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You missed a troll coming in here and posting a bunch of random negative comments. And in a bunch of other threads under this section, incase anything else seems a bit off tonight.
I guess I didn't really update for the day. Had a pretty rough day due to some problems coming up. Where I was just kinda scared of the outcome, and some pills would have easily helped me out. But it was good to learn to deal with it sober. Everything worked out fine and am back on track. Actually feeling REALLY good tonight. I went out and worked on my car which made me feel good, got alot accomplished..I actually wished I didn't have to get up so early for work, because my friends wanted to do something, and this is the first night I really wanted to go. Hopefully it is all downhill from here.
I guess I didn't really update for the day. Had a pretty rough day due to some problems coming up. Where I was just kinda scared of the outcome, and some pills would have easily helped me out. But it was good to learn to deal with it sober. Everything worked out fine and am back on track. Actually feeling REALLY good tonight. I went out and worked on my car which made me feel good, got alot accomplished..I actually wished I didn't have to get up so early for work, because my friends wanted to do something, and this is the first night I really wanted to go. Hopefully it is all downhill from here.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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OK it's good to see others who decided to turn things around before they hit bottom. I mean my friends and family called me out and got me started but I was hoping someone would say something before that.
Pill counting...I did on a daily basis. I guess it was an obsession of mine.
I am on day 2, much like you MassCas I am working through it, no days off...a real lot of fun (yeah I want to punch everyone in the head but I am so weak I would probably fall over if I tried).
I guess I really don't have much to add on the topic of does life get better. I understand I am in the pit right now. I guess I just wanted to spew out words so that I can get my mind of the JONEZ.
Pill counting...I did on a daily basis. I guess it was an obsession of mine.
I am on day 2, much like you MassCas I am working through it, no days off...a real lot of fun (yeah I want to punch everyone in the head but I am so weak I would probably fall over if I tried).
I guess I really don't have much to add on the topic of does life get better. I understand I am in the pit right now. I guess I just wanted to spew out words so that I can get my mind of the JONEZ.
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20 days 
Seems like each day turns into more of a struggle, the more I am away, the more I want to use again. Just because 20 days of 0 enjoyment out of life seems like too long. Just one pill..and I could enjoy life for a few moments. But then I remember how much it makes life MUCH more un-enjoyable than it is now on the "come down" and w/d's.
Seems like each day turns into more of a struggle, the more I am away, the more I want to use again. Just because 20 days of 0 enjoyment out of life seems like too long. Just one pill..and I could enjoy life for a few moments. But then I remember how much it makes life MUCH more un-enjoyable than it is now on the "come down" and w/d's.
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I'm primarily an alcoholic but I had the same thing
I had to realise that I'd drunk for years and it was a bit much to expect 20 or 30 days would fix me...
and I also had to face the possibility that maybe 'just stopping' wasn't enough.
I realised I needed a lot of work to fill that void in me I used to fill with booze...the booze had gone but the void remained.
The aim is to live sober and not only like it, but want to be that way.
Some people use a recovery group, others use prayer, some use exercise...I used service work and trying my best to face all my demons...I ended up liking myself, which was pretty much unprecedented for me.
I wish you luck with finding whatever your way is MC
D
I had to realise that I'd drunk for years and it was a bit much to expect 20 or 30 days would fix me...
and I also had to face the possibility that maybe 'just stopping' wasn't enough.
I realised I needed a lot of work to fill that void in me I used to fill with booze...the booze had gone but the void remained.
The aim is to live sober and not only like it, but want to be that way.
Some people use a recovery group, others use prayer, some use exercise...I used service work and trying my best to face all my demons...I ended up liking myself, which was pretty much unprecedented for me.
I wish you luck with finding whatever your way is MC
D
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Join Date: May 2009
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Mass Casualty, Life does get better, but it's not our old life we get back. I realize that when I first got into the program, what I was looking for was a return to my life, but without drugs, and that wasn't happening. I was confused, I thought I was failing, and this new life was strange and unfamiliar and I felt insecure.
Now, with some time in a recovery program, I am learning to navigate a new life. Early on, I was trying so hard that no, it was NOT enjoyable. Now, somethings are becoming automatic, I'm loosening up a little, allowing myself to feel again. Not all the feelings are pleasant or easy to deal with, but I AM feeling again, and that's sort of a neat thing, and I am believing for the first time in ages that I can have a better life, that I don't really want what I had before, I see options now.
For me, recovery is like an onion, multi layered. I work through some stuff, feel a little burst of good, then comes the next challenge and things get tough and frustrating and I feel a bit stuck, then another break through, and I integrate some new perspective and feel like I can see so clearly, then...I walk right into a wall, and have to tend to some bumps and bruises. But the other day, while I was wondering what is wrong with me, and when am I going to get past this stop/start thing, I realized..."hey, this IS life" this is what every human deals with, the difference is that I used to NOT deal with it. I'd panic, freak, hide behind substance or behavior addiction, mask,etc rather than face the challenge. And when I didn't face the challenge, I didn't grow. I didn't learn how to face life. I didn't gain a new more helpful perspective. I was eternally stuck in the panic and immaturity of addiction.
I am middle aged and finally growing up. Finally learning to take care of things rather than run from them, and am finally feeling the fruits of this behavior.
Now, you describe your external life as really great, so maybe none of this applies to you, maybe you DO have it all going on and your problem was only the drugs, and when you are over physical withdrawal, you can return to your great normally scheduled program. I couldn't. I am an addict, not simply a person who unwittingly stumbled into a physical addiction, but someone who's behavior year in and year out shows an underlying immaturity, patterns of extreme behavior and reactions to life (drama), and me self medicating whenever life got uncomfortable with any behavior or substance that would distract me from discomfort.
Now, your life may be great, but hitting a deer at 100 MPH on a motorcycle means you were driving 100 MPH on a motorcycle...why? The thrill of risky behavior is definitely one of my addictions, a great way to prove how tough, courageous and bad a** I am, how much cooler, stronger and daring than the average joe. I tried to hide the fact that I couldn't face the normal tasks of life sober, by showing everyone how tough and disciplined I was by extreme fitness, and over excelling in other areas and talents.
Most of the people who knew me had NO idea I was substance abusing, they were in awe of my amazing performance in other areas of my life. I seemed so together. I was able to accomplish so much...I didn't look like an addict, at least not what society thinks an addict looks like.
I've been in recovery 15 months, off drugs for 9, but hesitate to say I am clean because there are so many ways I still use to keep myself from dealing with life. That being said, there has been and continues to be huge progress, REAL progress in my life. Real progress, to me, means that things are not merely returning to previous life, but without drugs, but a new life where I don't need drugs, or extreme behavior, or a house of mirrors in order to function or to convince everyone else I am functional. I actually AM becoming functional. Even on days when I don't feel good, it feels real good to be functional and willing. It's not the same good as a high, but it's way more solid, way more satisfying and less fleeting.
Now, with some time in a recovery program, I am learning to navigate a new life. Early on, I was trying so hard that no, it was NOT enjoyable. Now, somethings are becoming automatic, I'm loosening up a little, allowing myself to feel again. Not all the feelings are pleasant or easy to deal with, but I AM feeling again, and that's sort of a neat thing, and I am believing for the first time in ages that I can have a better life, that I don't really want what I had before, I see options now.
For me, recovery is like an onion, multi layered. I work through some stuff, feel a little burst of good, then comes the next challenge and things get tough and frustrating and I feel a bit stuck, then another break through, and I integrate some new perspective and feel like I can see so clearly, then...I walk right into a wall, and have to tend to some bumps and bruises. But the other day, while I was wondering what is wrong with me, and when am I going to get past this stop/start thing, I realized..."hey, this IS life" this is what every human deals with, the difference is that I used to NOT deal with it. I'd panic, freak, hide behind substance or behavior addiction, mask,etc rather than face the challenge. And when I didn't face the challenge, I didn't grow. I didn't learn how to face life. I didn't gain a new more helpful perspective. I was eternally stuck in the panic and immaturity of addiction.
I am middle aged and finally growing up. Finally learning to take care of things rather than run from them, and am finally feeling the fruits of this behavior.
Now, you describe your external life as really great, so maybe none of this applies to you, maybe you DO have it all going on and your problem was only the drugs, and when you are over physical withdrawal, you can return to your great normally scheduled program. I couldn't. I am an addict, not simply a person who unwittingly stumbled into a physical addiction, but someone who's behavior year in and year out shows an underlying immaturity, patterns of extreme behavior and reactions to life (drama), and me self medicating whenever life got uncomfortable with any behavior or substance that would distract me from discomfort.
Now, your life may be great, but hitting a deer at 100 MPH on a motorcycle means you were driving 100 MPH on a motorcycle...why? The thrill of risky behavior is definitely one of my addictions, a great way to prove how tough, courageous and bad a** I am, how much cooler, stronger and daring than the average joe. I tried to hide the fact that I couldn't face the normal tasks of life sober, by showing everyone how tough and disciplined I was by extreme fitness, and over excelling in other areas and talents.
Most of the people who knew me had NO idea I was substance abusing, they were in awe of my amazing performance in other areas of my life. I seemed so together. I was able to accomplish so much...I didn't look like an addict, at least not what society thinks an addict looks like.
I've been in recovery 15 months, off drugs for 9, but hesitate to say I am clean because there are so many ways I still use to keep myself from dealing with life. That being said, there has been and continues to be huge progress, REAL progress in my life. Real progress, to me, means that things are not merely returning to previous life, but without drugs, but a new life where I don't need drugs, or extreme behavior, or a house of mirrors in order to function or to convince everyone else I am functional. I actually AM becoming functional. Even on days when I don't feel good, it feels real good to be functional and willing. It's not the same good as a high, but it's way more solid, way more satisfying and less fleeting.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MassCasualty
20 days
Seems like each day turns into more of a struggle, the more I am away, the more I want to use again. Just because 20 days of 0 enjoyment out of life seems like too long. Just one pill..and I could enjoy life for a few moments. But then I remember how much it makes life MUCH more un-enjoyable than it is now on the "come down" and w/d's.
Seems like each day turns into more of a struggle, the more I am away, the more I want to use again. Just because 20 days of 0 enjoyment out of life seems like too long. Just one pill..and I could enjoy life for a few moments. But then I remember how much it makes life MUCH more un-enjoyable than it is now on the "come down" and w/d's.
I have a LOT of depression/anxiety issues and when I was prescribed vicodin following a couple of a dental procedures, it kind of hit me like a wonder drug because, for the first time in years, I felt good. Once those were gone that was it but 2 1/2 yrs ago I came across a contact and have gotten them illegally ever since. I hate admitting it but like you said, it actually helps! I've realized recently that I need to actively treat my depression instead of masking it but it's very hard, and who wants to live so god damn miserable when there's something out there that helps?
I'm gonna try to go on legitimate antidepressants and hopefully that will help me because while I love the painkillers, I'm getting sick of what goes along with them, and I'm afraid of getting worse (I don't consider 2 a day to be bad, but I know it will not stay there). I need to fix the misery before I can fully let go though.
What a ****ing mess.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Man..I got hit with the worst wave of depression today than I have felt in weeks..I don't understand it. I woke up feeling exhausted, like I hadn't slept all night. Went to work and worked harder than usual today. Came home and the second I got some time to myself just to sit down I realized I was in a lot of pain all of the sudden. Then for some reason just got depressed..I think this is going to be a longer process than I had thought. But I guess all's I can do is just keep taking it day by day.
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In case you haven't read this yet MC...
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma
I post it everywhere - it should be required reading
D
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma
I post it everywhere - it should be required reading
D
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That is excellent, Dee. That explains a lot of what has been going on. I am glad I burned my bridges to my connections so I don't even have to worry about using. Or else I am afraid I would have by now.
Not being able to manage stress without drugs. Well..there is the root of my problem. Today was VERY stressful for me, both physically and mentally. Hopefully after a good nights sleep I will be back on track. Shooting for the one month mark. Then the 6 and hopefully a year. Seems to go easier if you break it down into milestones. It was minutes, hours, days, weeks,. and soon months for me.
Not being able to manage stress without drugs. Well..there is the root of my problem. Today was VERY stressful for me, both physically and mentally. Hopefully after a good nights sleep I will be back on track. Shooting for the one month mark. Then the 6 and hopefully a year. Seems to go easier if you break it down into milestones. It was minutes, hours, days, weeks,. and soon months for me.
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Join Date: May 2009
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[QUOTE=MassCasualty;2671155]
Not being able to manage stress without drugs. Well..there is the root of my problem.[QUOTE]
I think you hit that on the head. But you can learn to manage life/stress without drugs, and we are all here to cheer you on.
I'm still at the one day at a time stage for not using. As far as going beyond not using, onto the next stage where I pass beyond NOT doing, to DOING something different. I'm at the challenge by challenge stage. Every day presents numerous opportunities for me to make different choices than I did one year ago. At the end of the day I can see I am doing more than just not using...I am starting to live.
Not being able to manage stress without drugs. Well..there is the root of my problem.[QUOTE]
I think you hit that on the head. But you can learn to manage life/stress without drugs, and we are all here to cheer you on.
Originally Posted by MassCasualty
Seems to go easier if you break it down into milestones. It was minutes, hours, days, weeks,. and soon months for me.
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Hey MC, are you doing any type of "after care" or recovery work? Anything other than waiting to feel better and see if you can get by without pills?
I had to do more after I quit, because it wasn't long before my head would forget about all the misery's associated with using, and I'd get right back to it.
Even something as simple as a new or revisited hobby put in place of the time spent using and the time spent being "high" can help.
Some things to think about anyway, and congrat's on your 20+ days now. Opiates are a toughie.
I had to do more after I quit, because it wasn't long before my head would forget about all the misery's associated with using, and I'd get right back to it.
Even something as simple as a new or revisited hobby put in place of the time spent using and the time spent being "high" can help.
Some things to think about anyway, and congrat's on your 20+ days now. Opiates are a toughie.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: WA
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It definitely does change radically with time! After physical withdrawals passed, I was sunk into the deepest imaginable depression, emotional swings and cravings for approx 6 months - after that, it all gradually improved. I'm not by nature inclined towards depression but it's a common thing you have to go through - I'm not a believer in maintenance programs. As someone once described it, the opiate receptor population in an addict's brain is to a non addict's receptor count what the leaves in a rain forest would be in comparison to those of a few trees. That group of receptors decreases over time as the addict adjusts psychologically to life without drugs - at the outset though, it's natural to feel hideously disconnected or isolated from something that seems as natural and essential as breathing. Motivational adjustment, returning to a healthy metal state where feeling good comes from real goals and accomplishments and working a program of recovery takes time and effort but it's absolutely worth it and makes all the difference every day.
I found that regular NA meetings lifted my spirit and I'm sure you will too - some years on, I still attend meetings - it's a small sacrifice compared to the alternative.
Take care, I wish you well!
I found that regular NA meetings lifted my spirit and I'm sure you will too - some years on, I still attend meetings - it's a small sacrifice compared to the alternative.
Take care, I wish you well!
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