Just found out he's using....

[NeedingAnswers5]

I just need some advice on what I should be doing now that I just found out that my boyfriend is using crack cocaine. He was clean and sober when we first met then relapsed ( if that is what it is called, this is all new to me) a few months ago. Where do I go from here. He doesn't want to continue but I'm learning it's just not something you decide to stop it's a lot of work. Please help me on my next step to fitting in his life.

[Paulie]

Hi and welcome to SR -

Hop on over to the Naranon board if you have not already. There are some great people of there who have been where you are.

I am an addict in recovery and to answer your question, what you should be doing? Well you should be taking care of you. I am not saying that you should not support your bf if he stops using and gets into recovery, I am just saying that you should take care of yourself first. Set boundaries and do not let yourself be mistreated by an active addict.

Yes, getting sober is a lot of work but it can be done, if he wants to do it.

fitting into his life, that is hard. It is hard to be a part of an active additcs life, the drugs are usually the most important thing, I am not saying that is the case here, that is just my experience.

Good luck and God Bless.

[Juls]

Hi Needing,

Welcome to the forums. As Paulie said, you need to take care of yourself. I don't know how long you've been going out with him, but when your dealing with an addict, even when we say we want to quit, we can be/are very manipulative, liers, and unstable people. Our drug, when we are actively using, will come before anyone or anthing else. We cannot, at least I think, even be a real partner in a relationship because our lives are focused on getting our drug and using it.

I know none of this sounds hopeful or good, but it is the reality of a drug addict. I hope he is able to get clean and sober, but he cannont do it for you, he has to do it for himself.

Good luck with it.

Juls

[NeedingAnswers5]

Hey thank you, sounds like the only thing that is consistant about this is that he needs to take care of himself and me take care of me. If he wants to get well again, then he will have to take the steps to do that for himself. Okay here's another question...

What KIND of support can I give him? What KIND of encouragement? I have been reading that there is a thin line between enabling him and helping him. What was the best support that you got while you were tryin to be clean and sober again? What are the do's and don'ts? Thank you for taking time to respond!

[Paulie]

What are the do's and don'ts - sorry but that made me laugh.

I can think of a few.

Don't give him money.
Don't try to work a program for him.
Don't believe everything he says (while he is using)

Do take care of yourself.
Do find and Naranon or Alanon meeting in your area
Do put yourself first before him and his recovery.
Do support him by listening to him and encouraging him when he talks about recovery.

You are right, in my opinion there is a fine line between enabling and encouraging.
Follow your heart, if you feel the least bit uncomfortable doing or saying something or believeing something, don't, follow your first instinct.

[DAHDISHCOGG]

Hello,
I'm new to this website, and have been reading message boards ALL NIGHT LONG......whew!
My boyfriend uses Tar, Glass, and oxy's........ he's homeless,, but, still has job..... big deal..... he's a constant lier, cheater, etc... I'm tired of justifiying his actions to myself and friends.... what's a woman to do?....... Its hard to just Let him go... Life's too short....I was a widow at 29yrs old....... and don't want to see history repeat itself... (or is that my excuse for giving in to him over and over again).......
HELP me!
I need courage....and much more......
thanks,
Trish

[dotcom]

hello there

my name is dotcom and im an addict. my DOS is 01-17-03.

in answer to your question re support and encouragement.

my parents enabled my drug use for a short period of time, then they got wise to it (and that was the best for all). i was not cut off, but rightfully, i lost trust, cars, you name it. i didn't deserve any support while i was lying about my using...

i did however get tons of support when my family realized that i was back and sober! but it took time for them to actually believe it. thats fair in my mind. if they have any doubts about my sobriety i will gladly submit to a **** or hair folicle test (its relatively inexpensive for what they do).

the important thing is that i (as your bf has done) broke a bond of trust that should not be broken. and it was not up to my fam or friends to fix it. its my responsibility (as it is your bf).

i recommend if you have any doubts about his sobriety...any at all... you seperate yourself from the situation until you can assure that you will be safe and that he is not using.

GOD BLESS!!!!

[NeedingAnswers5]

Perfect advice...I have learned just that, I won't be envolved when he is using. I have too much going on in my life to concernmyself with his MESS. And that is what it is! His choice to use. not mine...nothing I can do to make him stop. I Trust God to make things right, in His time. But until then, I'm going to live MY life. Be selfish, just like his is. I know God will heal him, but until that happens (when he chooses to change) I'm out!

[dotcom]

my name is dotcom and im an addict. DOS 01-17-03.

not to preach, but it sounds like you have a lot of anger towards your bf "being selfish, like he is". anger can be healthy, but dont let it be why you are doing things for yourself. anger consumed me for a long time, and it made things worse.

just let it go and start over fresh. youll save a lot of heartache and most importantly, he wont have control over your decision!!! i used to do things because someone did something to me, but that was just continuing to give them control over me (even though i hadnt talked to them in a long time). i dont know if i explained myself well right there...hope i did.

ive got to get off this site for awhile. got lots of work to do

GOD BLESS IN YOUR RECOVERY!!!!

[Trooth]

Hello needanswers5...

Crack is one of the hardest things to keep from relapsing. I am recovering from this addiction. Here is my advice to you.

Don't trust him, if he uses he will lie about it.
Don't give him money, it will go to crack or to pay for something that he should have taken care of himself but bought crack instead.
Don't let him blame you or anyone else, don't feel sorry for him, and don't ever think you had anything to do with pushing him towards the drugs.

Relapses happen with high percentages for people on crack, I have gone through it quite a few times. The bad thing is, one relapse can lead to months even years of abuse before quitting again. It is a dangerous addiction.