Wow this is hard

[Whydididothis]

Well I am only on oh let's see 12 hrs.... this is prob the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't really have much to say I am just so irritated that I can't stand myself. I will try to write more later see how I feel.

[Dee74]

Kepp it up Whydididothis - stopping and staying stopped will be the best thing you ever do

D

[ANGELINA243]

You are not alone. Getting clean was the hardest thing I had to do. I feel your pain. Things will get better...although now that might seem hard to comprehend. It sometimes feels as if things get worse before they get better, but things will get better in the long run if we don't keep using. Give yourself a break. If you were like me, I bet you beat yourself up enough "out there" in active addiction. Allow others in recovery to help carry you through. You don't have to walk through this alone. Keep reaching out.We do recover.

[Whydididothis]

I prob should've at least given a little history on myself. I posted before and I was on a 600+mg a day habit, I got done to about 300 - 400 mg before I stopped but idk that that helped much. I just want to crawl out of my own skin. I kept pretty busy this morning running around and doing different things but I am home for a minute and I really want to just search my whole house for something. It would be soooo easy to just make a phone call and have them here in 20 min. I am not going to but it would be easy. I am going to go take my 3rd bath today and that will at least kill a little time i guess.

[ANGELINA243]

Have you ever been to a NA meeting or other type 12 step recovery meeting? If so, what did you think? Using only brings "temporary" relief.....but adds so much more to the ongoing problem. Also, not sure about how long you have been using, but in some cases--depending on the substance used--seeing a Dr. might be a good idea. Keep reaching out. You are not alone. There is hope!

[Whydididothis]

No I am a closet junkie. I didn't tell anyone about it for years until just recently and I told my husband, he is not sympathetic at all, his basic outlook is you started, you stop. he doesn't want to know about it and never brings it up. Oddly enought the only person that I talk to about it is my mother in law who just quit herself a week ago. I was on oxys by the way aka the little blue pills. I was on them for about 3 yrs pretty hard and about 2 years off and on before that. I hope I have the strength tto do this I am hanging in there so far.

[tsmba]

Your situation is not unique. It is very common for the family of an addict to have such views. What I have learned is that the disease affects everyone in contact with the addict. Many, many people are under the mistaken impression that drinking and drugging are moral failings, and that the addict simply needs to wake up and use willpower to stop. This couldn't be further from the truth!

[DecBaby]

How are things going? You staying away from the pills still?

Just want to share that lately I've been noticing I feel pretty good. I never thought it was possible to feel that way without those blue pills. I have a personality again and Im actually finding things I enjoy without doing them high or taking enough pills to feel "normal". I thought I completly fried my brain but I see the old me coming back.

[Thera]

It's great you're posting here, I just made a similar post myself. I hope your doing well, take a deep breath and see that people here understand what you're going through

[Vintersemestre]

Come post again dude.

Incidentally, your screen-name makes me chuckle, I am forever going "Why did I do that" or "Why did I say that". I sometimes even say "Why am I doing this" while I am doing it.

[Whydididothis]

Sorry I kinda vanished into thin air for a minute..... It has been a REALLY rough Umm Week? I am CLEAN and VERY TIRED. I didnt sleep for over 80 hours and finally last night Islept for a couple of hours. I do feel alot better and can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was not by any means easy i actually ended up in the hospital on Monday. The lack of sleep got to me and I had a melt down and took a bunch of sleeping pills. My heart stopped beating in the ambulance twice and they pumped my stomach. That is surely not something I would ever reccomend doing. Once I got to the ER they gave me some kind of drug that reverses any drugs you have in your system and once again I was WIDE AWAKE.

Anyhow, I am finally starting to feel again. I didnt realize how numb I had become to everything. Oh and I am no longer a "closet junkie" either. Everyone knows now and surprising enough most of my family are very supportive. Every single person said why didnt you just come talk to me, Yeah right I can see me saying "hey mom I have been snorting enough oxycodone that it could kill me at anytime, any suggestions" Doubt that would go over well.

My hubby was very pissed bc of all the lies, he is coming around a bit now but I am staying with my brother until I completely detox and can sleep and actually function. I hope everyone else is doin well and anyone out there just starting there recovery hang in there it DOES get better.. Good Luck and God Bless!!!!

[DecBaby]

Im so happy to hear you're well. You are one of the people I really care for just reading your posts. Im sorry about your scary hospital trip but very happy you are not in the closet anymore. The support you're getting now from your family will be very beneficial. Please keep posting and keep up the good work on staying clean!

[krissypissy]

congrats on the clean time!!! i was also prescribed that level (600mg) a day of roxicodone,the blue ones and now that i have been clean for 9.5 weeks, things are amazing aside from my physical pain. i am not numb anymore, i can see some much clearer and my mind isnt dulled down right along with my body. its a great feeling...stick around...try to make a meeting-the rewards are incredible with being and staying sober

[Whydididothis]

I first want to say thanks to everyone who posts on this site, it is almost like a family here and there are soo many amazing success stories.

I am on day 5 now (yeah me!!!!) Yesterday I seen a HUGE improvement on how I felt, today I am pretty much the same as yesterday. I keep thinking back on the last 5 days and when I was trying to hide what I was going threw. When I was in day 2 I tried to go to the laundromat (not a good idea) It was a sunday and there were like 30 ppl there. I actually left ALL of my clothes there and went back like 4 hrs later. Luckily they were still there but being around that many ppl when 5 min feels like 5 hrs was complete torture on myself.

Anyway I am rambling now but I am looking for NA meetings in my area and I have called a counseling center (they are backed up about 3 monthes).

If there is anyone out there who just needs to talk about what they are going threw I am here and will help in anyway I can. Just know that you DO NOT have to go threw this alone. In other posts that I have read ppl suggested going to the hospital and being honest with them, IDK how it is everywhere else but here they told me there is nothing that they can do for addicts at the ER other than give you a xanax and send you home. I was in there for overdose and they released me only hours after I was rushed there barely breathing. Maybe bc I didnt have insurance??? IDK but I hope this isnt the case everywhere. I even had more sleeping pills in my purse that they left in there??? Nice health care system huh.

[windysan]

so far, so good

[acoogle]

keep up the good work i am on my way to 4 months clean on the 19th. i was on the oxys also for years.i decided to stop on 9/19 and havent went back and im with ya its the hardest thing ive ever done.were im from they call the little blue pill "hillbilly heroin" and it gets ahold of ya just like that too.it took me a good 2 months to feel close to normal, mentally and physically but you will get there to just hang in there and keep up the good work and take it one day at a time.

[Vintersemestre]

The most important thing to remember is that it really seems hard, even impossible in the beginning, but it gets easier. Entrench yourself in selfmade-philosophy using non-self principles.