Quitting Oxycodone terrified of depression

[ginger529]

Hi - I'm in the process of quitting oxy. I've tapered down by half and am going to stop cold turkey from here. I am not capable of tapering the whole way. I know what I am facing in terms of being physically ill. What scares me is the depression that follows.

I've ALWAYS struggled with major depression (which is how I ended up addicted to alcohol and then oxycodone in the first place) and the ricochet from opiates really sends me into a black hole.

I read the 'character defect' post by Claudius and it really hit home. I know I need to quit, but I'm afraid of what's waiting for me on the other side. I feel like I'm letting go of my life raft.

I'm just hoping for some moral support. Also want to say THANK YOU to everyone, particularly those of you who've had success, for posting. Reading your stories helps. And I need a new life raft.

Thanks,
Ginger

[Dee74]

Hi Ginger

Welcome

Have you thought about seeing a Dr or therapist?
or joining a support group like NA?

D

[box3]

Good job on your taper.

May I humbly suggest that before you go cold turkey you set up a recovery program which includes both help for substance abuse and depression? This might include arranging to see a psychologist who specialises in mood disorders like depression, making sure your medication is all sorted out, joining NA or some other type of addiction support group, looking into gentle exercise like swimming... i.e. making sure you have a safety net/life jacket.

Sending you lots of strength and support. You can do it.

[emmer]

It's always scarey jumping off a drug, but ..... (here's the good news).... you don't have to do it alone.

personally , I couldn't have done it without the support from fellow addicts @ N.A.

Going to meetings and getting support will help with depression, 10 fold.

In real life, I'm a rather shy person and I got my butt to a meeting. I loved going right from the get go and you probably will too.

Joe

[angelwings1]

Hey guys,

Im new here and thought id tell a quick wrap-up of my experiences in the last year. A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I went through some horrible situations; constant lumbar punctures, bone marrow biopsies and chemotherapy that made me feel like I was dying and steroids that diminished my bones. Because of all these I was on a constant morphine drip, dialudid, and given (not knowing the most evil of them all) oxycodone to help the pain. Since diagnoses I have been on 15 mg of oxycodone 4-5 times a day ( every 4 hours). It wasnt until september of this year that I ralized I had a problem. If I slept an extra few hours I would find myself waking up with the strangest feelings; I had creepy crawly skin that made me want to jump out of a building and such bad anxiety that my heart felt like it was going to explode. Thinking that I had such strong will power I decided to go cold turkey one weekend. It was the worst mistake of my life! I had the worst fevers that came alone with cold sweats then hot flashes back and forth constantly, it got so bad that I waS Forced to be hospitilized and was sent home with sme xanax. My shirts would be drenched with sweat from my armpits alone. I realized that I couldnt do it and went back into my taper plan that I have been currently been on.

However something strange has has happend since that horrible event! Its like I put my body and mind through such a hell and a rock bottom feeling that I might have damaged some type of neurotransmitters in my brain. Im constantly anxious, always nervous with sweaty palms, I dont eat/ sleep or do anything! Ive become lethargic as well which is the most negative side effect because I'm such a motivated kid who wants to do something with my life. I am actually a pre-medical student studieng to go into oncology/hematology but as of lately I dont have the motivation to do ANYTHING! My girlfriend has left me when I needed her the most because she said I was just not looking out for her and her feelings, which has only added to my already high anxiety. i DONT know what to do!!!! Please if anyone has gone through any of this or has advice on what I could do it would be GREATLY appreciated. Please ask all the questions you guys want! Pick at my brain in order to give better advice. Thank you SO much for having the compassion to even read this. I hope to hear from you all soon.

-A scared young man

[windysan]

Originally Posted by angelwings1

Hey guys,

Im new here and thought id tell a quick wrap-up of my experiences in the last year. A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I went through some horrible situations; constant lumbar punctures, bone marrow biopsies and chemotherapy that made me feel like I was dying and steroids that diminished my bones. Because of all these I was on a constant morphine drip, dialudid, and given (not knowing the most evil of them all) oxycodone to help the pain. Since diagnoses I have been on 15 mg of oxycodone 4-5 times a day ( every 4 hours). It wasnt until september of this year that I ralized I had a problem. If I slept an extra few hours I would find myself waking up with the strangest feelings; I had creepy crawly skin that made me want to jump out of a building and such bad anxiety that my heart felt like it was going to explode. Thinking that I had such strong will power I decided to go cold turkey one weekend. It was the worst mistake of my life! I had the worst fevers that came alone with cold sweats then hot flashes back and forth constantly, it got so bad that I waS Forced to be hospitilized and was sent home with sme xanax. My shirts would be drenched with sweat from my armpits alone. I realized that I couldnt do it and went back into my taper plan that I have been currently been on.

However something strange has has happend since that horrible event! Its like I put my body and mind through such a hell and a rock bottom feeling that I might have damaged some type of neurotransmitters in my brain. Im constantly anxious, always nervous with sweaty palms, I dont eat/ sleep or do anything! Ive become lethargic as well which is the most negative side effect because I'm such a motivated kid who wants to do something with my life. I am actually a pre-medical student studieng to go into oncology/hematology but as of lately I dont have the motivation to do ANYTHING! My girlfriend has left me when I needed her the most because she said I was just not looking out for her and her feelings, which has only added to my already high anxiety. i DONT know what to do!!!! Please if anyone has gone through any of this or has advice on what I could do it would be GREATLY appreciated. Please ask all the questions you guys want! Pick at my brain in order to give better advice. Thank you SO much for having the compassion to even read this. I hope to hear from you all soon.

-A scared young man

You prolly need to go see a psychiatrist. I did some really hard kicks a few times and I felt damaged but I came back around. It takes time. In the meantime go see a professional for sure. good luck

[Ekat]

Angelwings, I had a very similar experience. Actually, I ran out of oxycodone while my doctor was on vacation (she miscalculated the quantity) and I ended up going to the hospital by ambulance. It was the most horrible and damaging of experiences. I, too, have no motivation or energy, and now I am discovering that I have liver damage.

I am living on the inside of a nightmare.

I am trying to taper VERY slowly, but it's not looking good (at this rate, it will take me more than 5 years to get off.)

This is an evil drug. I am reaching the point where I am considering initiating a lawsuit. My life is ruined. I really had a wonderful life. It's gone.

[box3]

Angelwings, you've been through a rough time.

Your taper may be too quick for you, and the anxiety could be caused by the process of continual withdrawal. Or, there could be something else physiologically going on, it's only been a year since your diagnosis and your body has been through a lot. I bet it's also been an emotionally difficult time, especially with your partner leaving you.

I suggest a full check-up with your doctor as well as speaking with a good psychologist (better for anxiety IMHO than a psychiatrist). You may also benefit from joining a support group for cancer survivors, there's nothing better than talking and sharing with people who know what you're going though.

Take care.

[bval]

Angelwings, welcome to SR.com.

My advice is to talk to a doctor (and do some research) about buprenorphine (aka subs) therapy, and to start attending meetings of addicts in recovery ... NA or something like it.

Best of luck to you ... I was also extremely hooked on oxy's for awhile (I was doing way more of the stuff than you are talking about here before I quit), but with the help of family, friends, this site, a doctor, and the 'rooms' of AA and NA, I've just celebrated 2.5 years clean from all mind-altering substances. It can be done. If I can do it, you can do it

Good luck, and keep posting!

[tsmba]

No one is beyond hope (though we can certainly feel that bad, or worse). You won't change overnight, but admitting defeat and asking for help can free you to experience the best years of your life. Never give up!

[DecBaby]

Ginger I know how you feel. I started taking painkillers because they made me feel happy. I too have struggled with depression for years. You really need to be on a good anti depressant that works for you and oxys only make the depression worse. If you can find a good therapist. Just interacting with another person and getting out of the house for your appointment will help. Try to reach out for help and do things you don't feel like doing. Get out of the house, start interacting with other people, I think it will get better with some time once you quit the oxys. And though it will be hard try to force yourself to do something, even something small, and you will probably find you feel really good about getting something accomplished.

[ginger529]

Thank you ALL. I only have a limited amount of private time on the comp (late night), and after I posted, I admit I was worried about reading the responses tonight... but VERY glad I did

DecBaby, I've never had success with anti-depressants but am making an appointment with a psychiatrist to give it another go. This was before the addiction stuff, back in my late teens/early twenties, but the results ranged from a sort of drugged agitation to down-right zombie. I have to admit that physical activity - the grace period of my life - did help. For five years I ran long distance, at least 5miles a day. I'm 39. A long way from that. I'm going to try though.

Its like I put my body and mind through such a hell and a rock bottom feeling that I might have damaged some type of neurotransmitters in my brain. Im constantly anxious, always nervous with sweaty palms, I dont eat/ sleep or do anything! Ive become lethargic as well which is the most negative side effect because I'm such a motivated kid who wants to do something with my life. I am actually a pre-medical student studieng to go into oncology/hematology but as of lately I dont have the motivation to do ANYTHING! My girlfriend has left me when I needed her the most because she said I was just not looking out for her and her feelings, which has only added to my already high anxiety.

Angelwings - I FELT/FEEL THE SAME WAY. Tho I've had depression before, I TRULY felt that my first quitting experience broke some vital part of me, physically and mentally. I didn't know what depression was until then. I'm not a kid, but I couldn't have described my physical symptoms any better.

In fact, on top of the lethargy/anxiety/insomnia, etc., I developed severly swollen glands on my 11th day as well as a lump in my breast (which may have also been glandular) which I have a follow up mamogram for next week. I completely agree with the advice you were given. Maybe all the combined stress has sent your body into overload. That's what I'm thinking is going on with me. It has me skitzed about quitting again, but I'm going to ask for help this time around, and am hoping that will make the difference.

Box3 and Emmer - thanks for being SO nice. Just plain thanks. I expected criticism. Nice is a such a good thing. I'm glad I found this place.

Bvaljalo, Ekat and Dee74 thank you too - all of you. I don't have support in my 'real' life. My family are wonderful, but I'm the caretaker. I can't be sick or need help. I know you're thinking "wow - what's the family like if she's the 'caretaker' " lol, but honestly, if you knew me casually, you wouldn't think anything was wrong.

I perfected faking at an early age. Reading the posts here, I guess a lot of us do, and it's probably plays at least some part in this.

BTW, didn't go cold today, but cut down some more.

I really hope I can come out of this and be normal -

Thanks all

[angelwings1]

Thank you all for the advice as well. I feel that I no longer have a choice but to see a pyschiatrist because I can no longer control this fear I contantly feel. I always find myself wondering how it was that I could have made it through a year of chemotherapy and the realization that there was a chance that I could have died from the cancer yet I can't deal with the anxiety that comes alone with this. How can a pill have so much control over someone?

I always find myself almost arguing with myself about it being a situation of mind over matter. While going through treatments I grew a complete tolerance to ALL physical pain yet I can't deal with a few opiate receptors not getting their way. I just dont understand it and sometimes I think I drive myself even crazier thinking about it SO much but I just don't know what else to do.

Its 3 AM and once again i'm wide awake with a horrible anxious feeling. I have an appointment to see my oncologist tomorow and I really hope she refers me to a psychiatrist. Once again, thank you all for the advice and best of wishes to those fighting the same battle. Ill keep my situation uodated.

[emmer]

Originally Posted by bvaljalo

....and the 'rooms' of AA and NA, I've just celebrated 2.5 years clean from all mind-altering substances. It can be done. If I can do it, you can do it

Congrats BV ............well done!

[emmer]

Ginger and Angle, as crappy as it is, it is normal to have very bad anxiety coming off opiates/benzos and such.

Although the anxiety feels very real and it is, it will lessen, it's the lake of dope that's making everything seem waaaaaay worse.

Quite honestly I gringe when people go to syke doctors when coming off dope, ONLY because they are almost always givin some other drug (not subs).

Example: when withdrawaling from benzos, people (sometimes) exibit psycotic behaviour and are wrongly (IMHO) diagnosed as a (overall) psycotic individual, when in fact they are not...................it's just the withdrawal that's doing it.

It seems impossible for a psyciatrist (or even a gp) to overlook withdrawal, but it happens single day of the week.
Many doctors are very poorly trained in addiction ............................................this had been my experience anyhow.

I am also a BIG believer in subs for weaning. I have never tried them but I have heard sooo many good things about them.

[windysan]

Originally Posted by emmer

Ginger and Angle, as crappy as it is, it is normal to have very bad anxiety coming off opiates/benzos and such.

Although the anxiety feels very real and it is, it will lessen, it's the lake of dope that's making everything seem waaaaaay worse.

Quite honestly I gringe when people go to syke doctors when coming off dope, ONLY because they are almost always givin some other drug (not subs).

Example: when withdrawaling from benzos, people (sometimes) exibit psycotic behaviour and are wrongly (IMHO) diagnosed as a (overall) psycotic individual, when in fact they are not...................it's just the withdrawal that's doing it.

It seems impossible for a psyciatrist (or even a gp) to overlook withdrawal, but it happens single day of the week.
Many doctors are very poorly trained in addiction ............................................this had been my experience anyhow.

I am also a BIG believer in subs for weaning. I have never tried them but I have heard sooo many good things about them.

Yep, the shrink at the nervous hospital almost made me crazy with brain dope cuz he thought I was bipolar.....I was withdrawing for dabnabbit's sake ! Find a doc who knows about addiction.

[freddie4621]

Sweaty palms, anxiety, lethargy. Sounds like you're going through withdrawal. Have you considered seeing a doctor? I don't know anything about your situation, but I'm wondering how long you were on opiates and how long has it been since you stopped?

[freddie4621]

I just wanted to add, when I first got out of Detox, the true withdrawals started. I sat on my hands for a week, waiting for an appointment with my therapy clinics Dr, who only comes in one afternoon a week. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't move, all I could do was tremble, but the WORST thing was, if I dozed off for a few minutes, I'd wake with a sense of HORROR. Of what I don't know, just like a sense of fear and horror. After that first week I began on suboxone, but that feeling, OMG I can't begin to describe it, like I was at the Heart of Darkness. It passed, and I need to remember thatFeeling should I ever want to use again.

[emmer]

Originally Posted by windysan

Yep, the shrink at the nervous hospital almost made me crazy with brain dope cuz he thought I was bipolar.....I was withdrawing for dabnabbit's sake ! Find a doc who knows about addiction.

haha...Windy..........I'll bet you were bipolal.
Feeling like your going to die one minute, and wishing you were dead the next