Character Defect
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
Character Defect
I often spend much time thinking of reasons why I am a drug addict. Today’s theme seems to be a “fundamental character defect.” (FCD) pronounced fu...ck...d.
It’s a self-perpetuating mass of collectable misery that feeds on itself. I continue to take cocaine though I hate myself for doing it and then I buy cocaine because I hate myself. Isn’t that stupid?
Not to mention the crap load of suboxone I take which somehow unbelievably has become a secondary issue in my life. I seethingly hate myself so much that somehow I find comfort or even pleasure in self-destruction. It eats at me like a cancer.
If I wasn't such a coward I would of committed euthanasia out shear mercy and human compassion. There is no purification of my soul in the pain I endure and I am no Jobe.
It’s a self-perpetuating mass of collectable misery that feeds on itself. I continue to take cocaine though I hate myself for doing it and then I buy cocaine because I hate myself. Isn’t that stupid?
Not to mention the crap load of suboxone I take which somehow unbelievably has become a secondary issue in my life. I seethingly hate myself so much that somehow I find comfort or even pleasure in self-destruction. It eats at me like a cancer.
If I wasn't such a coward I would of committed euthanasia out shear mercy and human compassion. There is no purification of my soul in the pain I endure and I am no Jobe.
Big Idiot Man Child
Join Date: May 2004
Location: La
Posts: 5,664
Quit dope = get better
While I don't really understand the character defect=dope addict thing I know that by quitting dope you'll improve.
If you're thinking about suicide you need to talk to a doctor.
While I don't really understand the character defect=dope addict thing I know that by quitting dope you'll improve.
If you're thinking about suicide you need to talk to a doctor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by windysan 
Quit dope = get better
While I don't really understand the character defect=dope addict thing I know that by quitting dope you'll improve.
If you're thinking about suicide you need to talk to a doctor.
While I don't really understand the character defect=dope addict thing I know that by quitting dope you'll improve.
If you're thinking about suicide you need to talk to a doctor.
I say "character defect" because I believe perhaps it is my character that continually brings me back. I need to stop being selfish, and, well: childish, and self-pitying.
Knowing a thing and doing a thing are often very different things and sometimes an unattainable goal especialy if the defect is in ones soul being and immutable.
Originally Posted by vicodaniel
Everybody has to start somewhere man , you will like yourself better when you quit. If I can do it anybody can.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
What brought you here? Do you want to recover? Do you believe it's possible?
I hoped it was possible, so found this place, read a bunch of stuff and thought, if they can do it, maybe I can too.
I went out and used a lot more, went to new levels of stupid, came back...and realized I couldn't do it on my own.
Argued with myself and "god" and knew I couldn't commit to a program, that I needed to do it on my own.
went and used a bunch more, and realized that I'd be dead pretty soon, and by that point was doing a lot of damage to the people around me.
came back here, thought that maybe somehow I could commit to a program.
argued with some people, myself and god some more, and then started step work using information I found online. Got myself to some meetings and thought "dang, I'm just like these people"
they keep saying "keep coming back, it works if you work it"...so I have, and I haven't been at this long, but I've strung together more clean days than I ever have before. They tell me I never have to use again...that seems like an awfullly long time, but they tell me I only have to do it one day at a time, and I've been listening to them. So far, doesn't seem like any one's been lying to me. I do what they say, and I get another day clean.
Now, I'll be honest, I have no idea what I am going to do with the rest of my life, because using was a full time job. When I was using, I always knew what I was going to do the next day...use some more. Now...I haven't got a clue...but they tell me that is OK too, that if I keep coming back and working the program, it'll start to get sorted out.
So I do, and so far, I'm still here.
Suicide? I consider it on a daily basis...even now. Because I look ahead and think that there is NO way I can do what it'll take to have any kind of life, now that I am without my crutches...but I keep coming back and working the program, and even though I still think daily about cashing it in, I haven't been doing the long suicide...using, nor have I plotted or attempted the quick version.
I couldn't live without using...yet here I am doing it.
your experience may vary. but for what it's worth, that is mine
I hoped it was possible, so found this place, read a bunch of stuff and thought, if they can do it, maybe I can too.
I went out and used a lot more, went to new levels of stupid, came back...and realized I couldn't do it on my own.
Argued with myself and "god" and knew I couldn't commit to a program, that I needed to do it on my own.
went and used a bunch more, and realized that I'd be dead pretty soon, and by that point was doing a lot of damage to the people around me.
came back here, thought that maybe somehow I could commit to a program.
argued with some people, myself and god some more, and then started step work using information I found online. Got myself to some meetings and thought "dang, I'm just like these people"
they keep saying "keep coming back, it works if you work it"...so I have, and I haven't been at this long, but I've strung together more clean days than I ever have before. They tell me I never have to use again...that seems like an awfullly long time, but they tell me I only have to do it one day at a time, and I've been listening to them. So far, doesn't seem like any one's been lying to me. I do what they say, and I get another day clean.
Now, I'll be honest, I have no idea what I am going to do with the rest of my life, because using was a full time job. When I was using, I always knew what I was going to do the next day...use some more. Now...I haven't got a clue...but they tell me that is OK too, that if I keep coming back and working the program, it'll start to get sorted out.
So I do, and so far, I'm still here.
Suicide? I consider it on a daily basis...even now. Because I look ahead and think that there is NO way I can do what it'll take to have any kind of life, now that I am without my crutches...but I keep coming back and working the program, and even though I still think daily about cashing it in, I haven't been doing the long suicide...using, nor have I plotted or attempted the quick version.
I couldn't live without using...yet here I am doing it.
your experience may vary. but for what it's worth, that is mine
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Originally Posted by Threshold
What brought you here? Do you want to recover? Do you believe it's possible?
I hoped it was possible, so found this place, read a bunch of stuff and thought, if they can do it, maybe I can too.
I went out and used a lot more, went to new levels of stupid, came back...and realized I couldn't do it on my own.
Argued with myself and "god" and knew I couldn't commit to a program, that I needed to do it on my own.
went and used a bunch more, and realized that I'd be dead pretty soon, and by that point was doing a lot of damage to the people around me.
came back here, thought that maybe somehow I could commit to a program.
argued with some people, myself and god some more, and then started step work using information I found online. Got myself to some meetings and thought "dang, I'm just like these people"
they keep saying "keep coming back, it works if you work it"...so I have, and I haven't been at this long, but I've strung together more clean days than I ever have before. They tell me I never have to use again...that seems like an awfullly long time, but they tell me I only have to do it one day at a time, and I've been listening to them. So far, doesn't seem like any one's been lying to me. I do what they say, and I get another day clean.
Now, I'll be honest, I have no idea what I am going to do with the rest of my life, because using was a full time job. When I was using, I always knew what I was going to do the next day...use some more. Now...I haven't got a clue...but they tell me that is OK too, that if I keep coming back and working the program, it'll start to get sorted out.
So I do, and so far, I'm still here.
Suicide? I consider it on a daily basis...even now. Because I look ahead and think that there is NO way I can do what it'll take to have any kind of life, now that I am without my crutches...but I keep coming back and working the program, and even though I still think daily about cashing it in, I haven't been doing the long suicide...using, nor have I plotted or attempted the quick version.
I couldn't live without using...yet here I am doing it.
your experience may vary. but for what it's worth, that is mine
I hoped it was possible, so found this place, read a bunch of stuff and thought, if they can do it, maybe I can too.
I went out and used a lot more, went to new levels of stupid, came back...and realized I couldn't do it on my own.
Argued with myself and "god" and knew I couldn't commit to a program, that I needed to do it on my own.
went and used a bunch more, and realized that I'd be dead pretty soon, and by that point was doing a lot of damage to the people around me.
came back here, thought that maybe somehow I could commit to a program.
argued with some people, myself and god some more, and then started step work using information I found online. Got myself to some meetings and thought "dang, I'm just like these people"
they keep saying "keep coming back, it works if you work it"...so I have, and I haven't been at this long, but I've strung together more clean days than I ever have before. They tell me I never have to use again...that seems like an awfullly long time, but they tell me I only have to do it one day at a time, and I've been listening to them. So far, doesn't seem like any one's been lying to me. I do what they say, and I get another day clean.
Now, I'll be honest, I have no idea what I am going to do with the rest of my life, because using was a full time job. When I was using, I always knew what I was going to do the next day...use some more. Now...I haven't got a clue...but they tell me that is OK too, that if I keep coming back and working the program, it'll start to get sorted out.
So I do, and so far, I'm still here.
Suicide? I consider it on a daily basis...even now. Because I look ahead and think that there is NO way I can do what it'll take to have any kind of life, now that I am without my crutches...but I keep coming back and working the program, and even though I still think daily about cashing it in, I haven't been doing the long suicide...using, nor have I plotted or attempted the quick version.
I couldn't live without using...yet here I am doing it.
your experience may vary. but for what it's worth, that is mine
Awesome post, I can relate to every word, and couldn't have said it better myself
So ... What threshold said (minus the thinking about suicide all the time part).
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY,NY
Posts: 48
Cowardly Lion
I too, am a coward. At least I thought of myself that way when in the grips of my addiction. God how I hated myself, and that led to further insanity. For in my mind I thought "well, when all else fails, just throw in the towel and overdose, give everyone AND yourself a break" Though I often INTENDED to do that, (I would buy 15 methadose 40mg tablets and 30 xanax) I would take only enough to make me unconcious, not dead.
My whole life spiraled and any money, cars, condo, and good jobs were lost. Because ten years ago I had also kicked the methadone, I worked my program and got hired as a house manager for the Rehab I had gone through. From there I got an excellent job as manager of a group home for profoundly ******** adults. Everyday as I'd drive to work I saw the Methadone clinic and at first I would shudder but soon I forgot the pain. Eventually I was buying methadone and thinking I was alright Ha! It took me a few years but I lost that job. Then I got another as a case manager for Dept of the aging and 2 more contracts which I lost with everything else. If not for the intervention of my 24 year old son, his woman and my woman, I'd be in a shelter scheming to get high.
So I went into detox and kicked my methadone clinic, AGAIN, kicked all the benzos and here I am, 3 weeks later. I have been on Subs for 6 days to help with the god awful. methdone withdrawal and I'm also in therapy.
I will be 59 yrs old on the 9th of December and I believe this is my last chance. I'm frightened and scared, I know that in not so many years I will die, but I'm no longer a coward.
Get off the coke bro' you don't need it. Try and concentrate and maybe you can get the focus back. Because I've read your posts. You seem very intelligent and could offer people a great deal. No, your not a coward, those are the drugs speaking.
:praying
My whole life spiraled and any money, cars, condo, and good jobs were lost. Because ten years ago I had also kicked the methadone, I worked my program and got hired as a house manager for the Rehab I had gone through. From there I got an excellent job as manager of a group home for profoundly ******** adults. Everyday as I'd drive to work I saw the Methadone clinic and at first I would shudder but soon I forgot the pain. Eventually I was buying methadone and thinking I was alright Ha! It took me a few years but I lost that job. Then I got another as a case manager for Dept of the aging and 2 more contracts which I lost with everything else. If not for the intervention of my 24 year old son, his woman and my woman, I'd be in a shelter scheming to get high.
So I went into detox and kicked my methadone clinic, AGAIN, kicked all the benzos and here I am, 3 weeks later. I have been on Subs for 6 days to help with the god awful. methdone withdrawal and I'm also in therapy.
I will be 59 yrs old on the 9th of December and I believe this is my last chance. I'm frightened and scared, I know that in not so many years I will die, but I'm no longer a coward.
Get off the coke bro' you don't need it. Try and concentrate and maybe you can get the focus back. Because I've read your posts. You seem very intelligent and could offer people a great deal. No, your not a coward, those are the drugs speaking.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY,NY
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Claudius
Nope, I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide though I see nothing wrong with the premise. St. Augustine felt that suicide should be an option so I see nothing wrong with the ethical suggestion either...specifically with a person in my particular circumstance: un-curable and terminal.
I say "character defect" because I believe perhaps it is my character that continually brings me back. I need to stop being selfish, and, well: childish, and self-pitying.
Knowing a thing and doing a thing are often very different things and sometimes an unattainable goal especialy if the defect is in ones soul being and immutable.
I am no spring chicken, vicodaniel. I have given honest attempts many a-times.
I say "character defect" because I believe perhaps it is my character that continually brings me back. I need to stop being selfish, and, well: childish, and self-pitying.
Knowing a thing and doing a thing are often very different things and sometimes an unattainable goal especialy if the defect is in ones soul being and immutable.
I am no spring chicken, vicodaniel. I have given honest attempts many a-times.
And if you continue on your path of self destruction Know this, it will be more painful than any kind of recovery could be. You will ravage your body until you lose your health and then you might see what you have to do. Ask somebody for HELP!
I seriously doubt if you are older than myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by ”Threshold”
What brought you here? Do you want to recover? Do you believe it's possible?
...
me back here, thought that maybe somehow I could commit to a program.
argued with some people, myself and god some more, and then started step work using information I found online. Got myself to some meetings and thought "dang, I'm just like these people"
...
...
me back here, thought that maybe somehow I could commit to a program.
argued with some people, myself and god some more, and then started step work using information I found online. Got myself to some meetings and thought "dang, I'm just like these people"
...
In regards to your second quote I posted: "dang, I'm just like these people" seems to be a fundamental issue for me because these people seem nothing like me. I was sober for three years and in treatment and went to sometimes three meetings a day and have yet to hear a story like mine due to the fact that some obscure schizophrenia brought me to the drugs in the first place. The details are out of the scope of this thread because there is a mental health forum in which to post on. I say that in no like “trying to be special thing" either because trust I would like nothing more than to be completely ordinary.
The thought process is: that if an incurable mental health issue drove me to do drugs in the first place then even when I get sober, when I go into my episodes, I will default to the drugs again. Vicious cycle which I have already went through like four consecutive times. Goes like this: get sober, get stable, go back to work, stress equals unstable, unstable equals drug initiation, drug initiation equals homelessness and alone.Homelessness and alone equals I rather be dead but have to settle for high. It’s like a hoola-hoop circle, never ending and infinite. This scenario has happened pre-drugs too with just the mental issues.
If one recovers to enjoy life then what happens to the person that doesn't enjoy life in recovery?
Originally Posted by ”feddie4621"
I too, am a coward. At least I thought of myself that way when in the grips of my addiction. God how I hated myself, and that led to further insanity. For in my mind I thought "well, when all else fails, just throw in the towel and overdose, give everyone AND yourself a break" Though I often INTENDED to do that, (I would buy 15 methadose 40mg tablets and 30 xanax) I would take only enough to make me unconcious, not dead.
My whole life spiraled and any money, cars, condo, and good jobs were lost. Because ten years ago I had also kicked the methadone, I worked my program and got hired as a house manager for the Rehab I had gone through. From there I got an excellent job as manager of a group home for profoundly ******** adults. Everyday as I'd drive to work I saw the Methadone clinic and at first I would shudder but soon I forgot the pain. Eventually I was buying methadone and thinking I was alright Ha! It took me a few years but I lost that job. Then I got another as a case manager for Dept of the aging and 2 more contracts which I lost with everything else. If not for the intervention of my 24 year old son, his woman and my woman, I'd be in a shelter scheming to get high.
So I went into detox and kicked my methadone clinic, AGAIN, kicked all the benzos and here I am, 3 weeks later. I have been on Subs for 6 days to help with the god awful. methdone withdrawal and I'm also in therapy.
I will be 59 yrs old on the 9th of December and I believe this is my last chance. I'm frightened and scared, I know that in not so many years I will die, but I'm no longer a coward.
Get off the coke bro' you don't need it. Try and concentrate and maybe you can get the focus back. Because I've read your posts. You seem very intelligent and could offer people a great deal. No, your not a coward, those are the drugs speaking.
...
*and other post*
...
Your words are both wise and correct. I also went through the cycle of buying a bundle with the intentions of OD’ing only to find I enjoyed it too much to off myself and then when I ran out I would use suicide to rationalize buying another bundle. Can you believe that! Finally, I convinced myself of my own trickery and gave that process up.
Been off the coke going on three days. [EDIT] Have not taken opiates in about a year due to the suboxone (END EDIT.)I am now in the complete paranoia stage where I believe everyone has an agenda, more so than normal, listening to barely audible whispering in the hallway of my apt which I do not think is really occurring. The Suboxone is a whole issue in itself that I am afraid to tackle, though I have decreased the dose to one and a half per day.
I truly do wish you strength in your enterprise and hope that you have passed through the last of cycles and enjoy a lasting propitious life.
No I am not older than you weighing in at thirty three; an age where I am realizing that this cycle will end badly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
Just wanted to add that: yes I am a coward not to quit.
I also wanted to mention that I am afraid to tackle not taking Suboxone because, as you know Freddi, I quit methadone after using it a year and had been opiate free and ended up delving back to the old habbits only four or five months after quiting. At this point I am afraid I may be on the Suboxone for the rest of my life which is going to be costly in more ways than just finacially.
And yes, I do think I may be trying to rationalize my habit using my mental afflicion as an excuse. Been through that logic construct and: no, my not so "rational" side considers the argument naught.
I also wanted to mention that I am afraid to tackle not taking Suboxone because, as you know Freddi, I quit methadone after using it a year and had been opiate free and ended up delving back to the old habbits only four or five months after quiting. At this point I am afraid I may be on the Suboxone for the rest of my life which is going to be costly in more ways than just finacially.
And yes, I do think I may be trying to rationalize my habit using my mental afflicion as an excuse. Been through that logic construct and: no, my not so "rational" side considers the argument naught.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY,NY
Posts: 48
Peas in a Pod
Claudius
I wish you were in the NY metropolitan area. I would go to meetings with you.
I am really afraid to make meetings. Stupid I know, bur nevertheless, true. I get scared of calling my former sponsor, I get scared of going outside. It's rediculous I know, but I do. The only person I can talk to about this is my woman and she has a tendency to misunderstand where I'm coming from. Today I have therapy and I must try and share about this. Today I also see the Sub doctor and I'll ask him to give me only a two week supply onthe 16 mgs I've been taking. Maybe after two more weeks I can come down. I'm scared of the withdrawal from the Sub. I've read a great deal of posts about the withdrawal and it figures, the Subs are a narcotic also. The doctor, in his infinite wisdon neglected to give me any Subs for today, by design or neglect, I don't know. I have been used to taking SOMETHING every morning for most of my life and I miss it. So off to group I go, then to the doctor, then tothe frantic business of filling the Rx. God I am so tired of this, will it ever end?
I wish you were in the NY metropolitan area. I would go to meetings with you.
I am really afraid to make meetings. Stupid I know, bur nevertheless, true. I get scared of calling my former sponsor, I get scared of going outside. It's rediculous I know, but I do. The only person I can talk to about this is my woman and she has a tendency to misunderstand where I'm coming from. Today I have therapy and I must try and share about this. Today I also see the Sub doctor and I'll ask him to give me only a two week supply onthe 16 mgs I've been taking. Maybe after two more weeks I can come down. I'm scared of the withdrawal from the Sub. I've read a great deal of posts about the withdrawal and it figures, the Subs are a narcotic also. The doctor, in his infinite wisdon neglected to give me any Subs for today, by design or neglect, I don't know. I have been used to taking SOMETHING every morning for most of my life and I miss it. So off to group I go, then to the doctor, then tothe frantic business of filling the Rx. God I am so tired of this, will it ever end?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
Claudius, Hi, I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 14 months. I was addicted to pain pills for more than ten years. Suboxone has saved my life. I had snorted coke on and off for many years, but it got ahold of me the last four years, before recovery.
I began smoking it and for 18 months before I went to rehab, I chased that sh!t every day. I used it, not for pleasure, but for complete self destruction. I od'd several times. Before entering rehab and surrendering, I was swallowing 30 10mg pill of hydro or oxycodone each day, just to keep from being dope sick, and smoking/snorting 150-300 dollars worth of coke each day.
I just became sick and tired of living that way, and had I used one more day, I'd probably be dead right now. Trust me, if you want to truly quit, you can. I never thought in a million years I'd ever be able to stop. Drugs were my identity.
You really have to want it in order to succeed. Do You Want to Quit?
Penny
I began smoking it and for 18 months before I went to rehab, I chased that sh!t every day. I used it, not for pleasure, but for complete self destruction. I od'd several times. Before entering rehab and surrendering, I was swallowing 30 10mg pill of hydro or oxycodone each day, just to keep from being dope sick, and smoking/snorting 150-300 dollars worth of coke each day.
I just became sick and tired of living that way, and had I used one more day, I'd probably be dead right now. Trust me, if you want to truly quit, you can. I never thought in a million years I'd ever be able to stop. Drugs were my identity.
You really have to want it in order to succeed. Do You Want to Quit?
Penny
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY,NY
Posts: 48
Socrates?
I was just thinking about your justification of suicide and how I tried that with similiar justifications. "all I'm accomplishing is causing pain to everyone including myself, why not suicide?" was my rationale. And of course, old Socrates and the Hemlock, who could forget? But I was really justifing another bout with the drugs. "yes, I will OD as soon as I'm done feeling good, or numb, whatever the case may be.
Truth be told however, I never could quite accomplish what I set out to do. So there is another failure to add to the infinite failures of my life.
Truth be told however, I never could quite accomplish what I set out to do. So there is another failure to add to the infinite failures of my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by freddie4621
Claudius
I wish you were in the NY metropolitan area. I would go to meetings with you.
I am really afraid to make meetings. Stupid I know, bur nevertheless, true. I get scared of calling my former sponsor, I get scared of going outside. It's rediculous I know, but I do. The only person I can talk to about this is my woman and she has a tendency to misunderstand where I'm coming from. Today I have therapy and I must try and share about this. Today I also see the Sub doctor and I'll ask him to give me only a two week supply onthe 16 mgs I've been taking. Maybe after two more weeks I can come down. I'm scared of the withdrawal from the Sub. I've read a great deal of posts about the withdrawal and it figures, the Subs are a narcotic also. The doctor, in his infinite wisdon neglected to give me any Subs for today, by design or neglect, I don't know. I have been used to taking SOMETHING every morning for most of my life and I miss it. So off to group I go, then to the doctor, then tothe frantic business of filling the Rx. God I am so tired of this, will it ever end?
Socrates?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was just thinking about your justification of suicide and how I tried that with similiar justifications. "all I'm accomplishing is causing pain to everyone including myself, why not suicide?" was my rationale. And of course, old Socrates and the Hemlock, who could forget? But I was really justifing another bout with the drugs. "yes, I will OD as soon as I'm done feeling good, or numb, whatever the case may be.
Truth be told however, I never could quite accomplish what I set out to do. So there is another failure to add to the infinite failures of my life.
I wish you were in the NY metropolitan area. I would go to meetings with you.
I am really afraid to make meetings. Stupid I know, bur nevertheless, true. I get scared of calling my former sponsor, I get scared of going outside. It's rediculous I know, but I do. The only person I can talk to about this is my woman and she has a tendency to misunderstand where I'm coming from. Today I have therapy and I must try and share about this. Today I also see the Sub doctor and I'll ask him to give me only a two week supply onthe 16 mgs I've been taking. Maybe after two more weeks I can come down. I'm scared of the withdrawal from the Sub. I've read a great deal of posts about the withdrawal and it figures, the Subs are a narcotic also. The doctor, in his infinite wisdon neglected to give me any Subs for today, by design or neglect, I don't know. I have been used to taking SOMETHING every morning for most of my life and I miss it. So off to group I go, then to the doctor, then tothe frantic business of filling the Rx. God I am so tired of this, will it ever end?
Socrates?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was just thinking about your justification of suicide and how I tried that with similiar justifications. "all I'm accomplishing is causing pain to everyone including myself, why not suicide?" was my rationale. And of course, old Socrates and the Hemlock, who could forget? But I was really justifing another bout with the drugs. "yes, I will OD as soon as I'm done feeling good, or numb, whatever the case may be.
Truth be told however, I never could quite accomplish what I set out to do. So there is another failure to add to the infinite failures of my life.
I live eight hours away from the city; yes, there is a whole state called New York too.
I know the obsession of seclusion all too well. I probably get less “outside time” than a convicted criminal in prison. I am not scared of people per se but more of their thoughts if that makes any sense. I have been alone now for several years.Regarding the Subs: I know it’s wrong but because of the financial aspect of it I usually take several days off of the Subs. To, I guess, lower my tolerance and maintain the effectiveness of the medication. I certainly don’t get a euphoric experience from the Suboxone and never have, but do feel, I guess you can say: contentment unusual to my nature while taking Suboxone. I found that the withdrawal from the Suboxone, at least for me in my limited experience, seems not to be as extreme as opiates. I have not yet felt the physical pain that I often feel while WD’ing off of opiates. The Suboxone WD is most likely longer in duration due to its half-life however and is the trade-off.
LOL, I hardly consider my circumstance like that of Socrates. He was a great, wise, and courageous man…though extremely ugly. I am fairly confident that he would probably kill me himself if he saw the true state of Claudius. I also would never drink hemlock: it tastes awful and causes horrible abdominal pains for a fair amount of time before sending you to the River Styx.
I often contemplate Plato and for some reason the dialogue between Socrates and Telemachus(sp?) during “The Republic” strikes me the most curious for some reason. When Socrates was contemplating what is “good” for the immediate result and consequences thereof. That is to say what in life has an immediate good result and good consequences? Telemanchus say’s: “the smelling of a flower in a garden.” Just the smell of a flower, to him, had immediate good results and later good (not harmful) consequences. SMELL OF A FLOWER! Socrates thought this was a fine example, and, I think, liked Telemachus which was unusual for Socrates. I often try smelling flowers due to this passage and do not see it and thus cannot understand it. The misery of my existence takes that simple and true ability for pleasure away from me.
Originally Posted by Penny
Claudius, Hi, I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 14 months. I was addicted to pain pills for more than ten years. Suboxone has saved my life. I had snorted coke on and off for many years, but it got ahold of me the last four years, before recovery.
I began smoking it and for 18 months before I went to rehab, I chased that sh!t every day. I used it, not for pleasure, but for complete self destruction. I od'd several times. Before entering rehab and surrendering, I was swallowing 30 10mg pill of hydro or oxycodone each day, just to keep from being dope sick, and smoking/snorting 150-300 dollars worth of coke each day.
I just became sick and tired of living that way, and had I used one more day, I'd probably be dead right now. Trust me, if you want to truly quit, you can. I never thought in a million years I'd ever be able to stop. Drugs were my identity.
You really have to want it in order to succeed. Do You Want to Quit?
Penny
I began smoking it and for 18 months before I went to rehab, I chased that sh!t every day. I used it, not for pleasure, but for complete self destruction. I od'd several times. Before entering rehab and surrendering, I was swallowing 30 10mg pill of hydro or oxycodone each day, just to keep from being dope sick, and smoking/snorting 150-300 dollars worth of coke each day.
I just became sick and tired of living that way, and had I used one more day, I'd probably be dead right now. Trust me, if you want to truly quit, you can. I never thought in a million years I'd ever be able to stop. Drugs were my identity.
You really have to want it in order to succeed. Do You Want to Quit?
Penny
Yes, I want nothing more than to be able to live a sober life. EVERY time I take a drug I wish it so.
I understand obscene consumption as well. I spent $100,000 last year on it. This year I will only make 10% of the amount I spent on drugs alone last year. The point is: I know how obscene it can become. I also understand the self-destruction motive as well, though it is never specifically my intention; it is, just, what happens.
The consumption is my crutch, it is my love, it is my relationship, it is my being. I think without the warmth of use I would be completely alone…afraid. Can you blame me?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
claudius any addict can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.
Going through the grieving process after losing that "friend" (dope) is how I let go. I also had the help of others in recovery to share their same experience with this.
Today I have friends that love and nurture me.
addict in recovery,
Missy
Going through the grieving process after losing that "friend" (dope) is how I let go. I also had the help of others in recovery to share their same experience with this.
Today I have friends that love and nurture me.
addict in recovery,
Missy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31
How was your day today, Wall?
My day was well, Wall. What do you think of the weather today, Wall?
Wall? … Hello?!, … Wall?
Missy, I am trying. You say: lose the “desire” as if I could swipe it off my shoulder like dust or blow it off like hair. I cannot. It’s also difficult to lose “desire” for something if you had not experienced desire for that thing before. I don’t think I ever enjoyed a single experience while on drugs.
I agree with you regarding the helping of others. I think that by helping others one may find absolution from their sins…at least on a temporary basis. I think finding a way to forgive oneself allows that person to forgive themselves.
END MISSY
BEGIN OTHERS
Yes, Wall. I don’t want to get clean. What a wonderful judge of character you are. ... Wall?
No, Wall, I have never sought “help.” My previous posts contain no information about an abundance of “help” seeking conquests…at all. ... Wall? ... Are you there, Wall?
END OTHERS
My day was well, Wall. What do you think of the weather today, Wall?
Wall? … Hello?!, … Wall?
Missy, I am trying. You say: lose the “desire” as if I could swipe it off my shoulder like dust or blow it off like hair. I cannot. It’s also difficult to lose “desire” for something if you had not experienced desire for that thing before. I don’t think I ever enjoyed a single experience while on drugs.
I agree with you regarding the helping of others. I think that by helping others one may find absolution from their sins…at least on a temporary basis. I think finding a way to forgive oneself allows that person to forgive themselves.
END MISSY
BEGIN OTHERS
Yes, Wall. I don’t want to get clean. What a wonderful judge of character you are. ... Wall?
No, Wall, I have never sought “help.” My previous posts contain no information about an abundance of “help” seeking conquests…at all. ... Wall? ... Are you there, Wall?
END OTHERS
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
