So I relapsed...

[SilentKiller]

I have had a feeling now for quite some time that I was going to relapse. I have been clean for 25 months, but lately the cravings have been strong. So last night I went out to the local pub and had a few. Dinking has never been a problem for me, my addiction is coke. So I am sitting at the bar stool and my old friend comes in, he uses but we were friends way before addiction so I want going to end hte friendship because of that. So we are sitting there and I lean over and say "booger sugar?" and he says that he cant because he is waiting for a girl. So time passes and he leans back over and says that his guy will deliever to the bar, so I was in for a $100. So about 1:30am he guy comes I get the goods and say my goodbyes. So as I am walking home in the alley behind the bar I see this woman, who was really drunk and flashing me and grabbing my junk in the bar, being cornered and fondled by a man as she was saying no. So I did what any decent person would do and kept walking as I called the police. Anyother day I would have kicked his ass but with 100 bucks of coke in my pocket I didnt want to cause a scene. So after I get off the phone with the police they soon arrive but cant find these people, great a moral crossroad. Do I flag the cop down or keep walking with a pocket full of coke? Well I figured I need some good karma and I flaged the cop down. I tell him where they are and give a description and figured I could be on my way, nope. He tells me to go over and talk to another cop who just came up, great. So I go over and talk to him, as I get there he steps out of the car...F*ck. Karma dont fail me now. Well luck was on my side and they didnt search me, thank God. So after awhile they let me go home. So I get home to find a note from the Mrs. saying she is staying a friends house, awesome! So I bring the mirror and razor into the living room and sit playing Assassin's Creed til 6am before I crashed. I then woke up at 10am and relized that I have made a mistake. On one hand I regreted doing it but on the other Im glad I did. I know now that I dont miss doing drugs like I thought I did and being clean is a way better lifestyle than using.

[Cherybaby66]

I'm not sure what to say. Part of me wants to say I'm sorry you relapsed. But, another part of me isn't sure that you feel sorry that you did...so what on earth would "I" be sorry for? Yep. You made a mistake...big time. Don't let it break you. Just get up, dust off and start over. I do kind of feel bad that you let 25 months of clean time slip away, though. I would give anything to have that under my belt.

Thank you for, at very least, calling the police to help that woman. I'm not a big fan of people who don't get involved and take action.

[Dee74]

I hope you really did learn something SK - a lot of times I BSed myself that I had taught myself something with that 'last time'...but I went out again...and again.

Don't let that happen to you.
You can't be half in recovery, right?

D

[SilentKiller]

I would like to think I learned something. I can tell you this though, I have no urge whatsoever to do anykind of with the exception of alcohol. I made a bad choice but I know I dont want to be where I was whan I had a full blown addiction. I have come too far to throw it all away like that.

[Sugah]

Just curious. If you hadn't been drinking, do you think you'd have used?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[TTOSBT]

25 months and you are glad you relapsed (on one hand)???
I am going to go out on a ledge and say you are not working a recovery program. Is that right?

Be very careful. I was a speed freak in my 20's, got sober at 26 and have never touched it again. But...after a couple of sober years, I decided alcohol was not my problem. Until it became a HUGE problem for a decade. I sure hope that does not happen for you.

What are you going to do differently this time?

[SelfDestruct]

Sound good to me, I think I know exactly where you are coming from

[SteppingItUp]

I was really sorry to read your post too.

I think you're very lucky you're not still out there today (and tomorrow and the next day and...). Experience shows that just one time can send us on our way out the door for good. The last time I tried getting high just one more time after retuning home from a vacation, I wound up using day and night for 6 solid months, harder than I ever had before. I am grateful that I had any capacity at all to recognize it was beyond time to stop.

So...welcome back. Truly.

One thing I was trying to understand was if you were also completely abstaining from alcohol during those 25 months.

What did you do that was working before? What did you do that didn't help to keep you clean last night?

[SilentKiller]

To answear some of you questions, yes alcohol was never a problem. I can count on one hand how many times I have drank this year. I do not believe it had a hand in my relapse. I put my self in the situation to use not alcohol. Over the last 2 months I have had the urge to use, I have had alot of emotion and physical triggers. I lost my grandfather and I have been putting on weight due to a new medication. I know these are just excuses and in no way justify my using. Like I said thought, I am happy (for the lack of a better word) that I used. I know this doesnt make sense to many of you but to me it does. See when I stopped 25 months ago it wasnt on my terms, I was on parole. So after giving one dirty test mt P.O said if I violate again he was going to give me 180 days. So I stopped but they werent on my terms and you know that you cant quit unless you want to quit. So I have always had it in the back of my mind that I still wanted to use becasue I want ready to quit. In those 25 months many things have happened, I built a life for myself and a nice life at that. When I used the other night I wanted moreso needed to see if coke was still my lifestlye. The next morning I decided that it was not the way anymore. I am done and now on my own terms. I now have a new lease on life, I have been reborn so to speak. The thought of coke no longer holds me back. I am quiting on my terms not someone elses.

[change4penny]

SK, I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 13 months clean.
Reading your post literally made me sick to my stomach. I too never have had a problem with alcohol, but I will tell you this...every time I've had a drink, a beer, or glass of wine, it has always led me to wanting coke, getting coke, and using coke. This is why I have not and will not have even one drink. Because I have never enjoyed drinking, so for me, there is no point.
All I can tell you is to learn from this, and don't let it lead you back down that road.
Thank you for this post....it has been a really important lesson for me, and the lesson is,
Don't get complacent in My RECOVERY.

Penny

[truthhurts]

Sorry this happened, but all of the recovering addicts that I know also avoid alcohol too...slippery slope to using and all that...good luck to you.

[bval]

Man, there are so many actions and thoughts in your post(s) that run along the lines of 'famous last-words', I can't even tell ya. You can try to spin it any way you like, but the bottom-line is ... relapses are inherently NOT a positive thing. If the net result ends up being the positive one you speak of, then you got REALLY lucky my friend. I highly advise you not to test your luck in this way again.

Remember that by definition, addiction is something that is not 'on our own terms'. If I had a nickel for everytime I've heard someone say that they went along doing their drugs long after the point of still liking their drugs ... I'd have ... a whole bunch of nickels

Do not underestimate the cunning and powerful nature of this disease my friend. Next weekend your disease will start telling you things like 'look, see, you didn't go back to using coke everyday like you did before! You can HANDLE it now! Last weekend, you did a whole teener to your head, you shouldn't have done so much, that's why you felt crappy the next day! Just get a gram this time and you should be okay!'.

And right now, you're thinking 'no way!' ... but it can still end up happening, believe me. Now is the time for extreme caution, not overconfidence, and certainly not a pile of self-deceptive 'spin'. Losing the 'momentum' of 2 years of staying away from your drug of choice is not something to be taken lightly.

I highly advise you to adopt an attitude that admits that you really messed up, and that now you are in a dangerous period of your life because of it. There's nothing inherently good about what happened. The only way that what you did can possibly 'become good' ... is if you never take cocaine (and I'd advise you not to drink as well) again in your life.

I hope you will see the wisdom in keeping these thoughts in mind here moving forward. Good luck my friend.

[SelfDestruct]

Originally Posted by bvaljalo

I highly advise you to adopt an attitude that admits that you really messed up, and that now you are in a dangerous period of your life because of it. There's nothing inherently good about what happened. The only way that what you did can possibly 'become good' ... is if you never take cocaine (and I'd advise you not to drink as well) again in your life.

I hope you will see the wisdom in keeping these thoughts in mind here moving forward. Good luck my friend.

Everyone is not the same and does not have to live by the same rules. If he is happy and had a positive experience from this moment, then you should not change that, just because you don't view it as a positive experience.

[bval]

Originally Posted by SelfDestruct

Everyone is not the same and does not have to live by the same rules. If he is happy and had a positive experience from this moment, then you should not change that, just because you don't view it as a positive experience.

I realize that SD. That's why I 'advised' and 'hoped', I did not dictate. And I highly doubt that I'm the final arbiter of how the poster feels about his relapse anyway.

Nevertheless, I stand by my point that relapses are not a good thing at the time they happen, and that this is a fact that cannot be proven untrue until significant time has passed without another relapse happening. To pronounce a relapse as a 'good thing' in it's immediate aftermath is just asking for trouble. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

[24hrsAday]

for me a drug is a drug.. booze is a drug. i was a heavy pot smoker before i started to really drink a lot! i do not handle mind altering drugs.. they handle me.. i wish you the best..

[Cherybaby66]

I woke up thinking about your post today.

I really hope someone doesn't stumble upon it and say, "well, hey! if he did it...so can I and who knows? maybe it will be a positive experience for me too!"

I would hate to think someone who relapses is a positive role model for those who are working so diligently toward recovery.

There are some things that should be kept to yourself...for the greater good.

[SteppingItUp]

Originally Posted by SilentKiller

To answear some of you questions, yes alcohol was never a problem. I can count on one hand how many times I have drank this year. I do not believe it had a hand in my relapse. I put my self in the situation to use not alcohol.

You don't think your inhibitions were lowered after "having a few?" Just to be clear, drinking alcohol is using.

I don't think the question was if alcohol was a problem before -- addiction generally doesn't allow us to substance hop without consequences. I didn't have a problem with cocaine, per se -- does that mean that it's safe for me to do a few lines here and there? Or to smoke hash on the weekends? As a general rule, we can't pick and choose.

Originally Posted by SilentKiller

the last 2 months I have had the urge to use, I have had alot of emotion and physical triggers. I lost my grandfather and I have been putting on weight due to a new medication. I know these are just excuses and in no way justify my using.

Isn't the attempted justification of one's actions the very definition of excuse-making? Here is the issue -- an addict can't afford to ever let an excuse permit a return to drug use in any form. If I wanted an excuse to use, you can bet your donkey I would find one! If an excuse wasn't already apparent, it wouldn't take but a second for me to make one up. Try telling the difference. The problem, of course, is that using means reactivating the addiction, and once that happens, we are generally, royally f-ed. One is too many and a thousand never enough. If you could have controlled it before, my guess is you wouldn't be posting here.

Originally Posted by SilentKiller

I said thought, I am happy (for the lack of a better word) that I used. I know this doesnt make sense to many of you but to me it does. See when I stopped 25 months ago it wasnt on my terms, I was on parole. So after giving one dirty test mt P.O said if I violate again he was going to give me 180 days. So I stopped but they werent on my terms and you know that you cant quit unless you want to quit. So I have always had it in the back of my mind that I still wanted to use becasue I want ready to quit. In those 25 months many things have happened, I built a life for myself and a nice life at that. When I used the other night I wanted moreso needed to see if coke was still my lifestlye.

Was the cocaine "lifestyle" not at all related to what got you a PO helping you along in the first place? Would it be especially sane to even dabble in the very thing that could potentially bring them back to that? I am thrilled that your life was getting better. That's was good sign.

Originally Posted by SilentKiller

next morning I decided that it was not the way anymore. I am done and now on my own terms. I now have a new lease on life, I have been reborn so to speak. The thought of coke no longer holds me back. I am quiting on my terms not someone elses.

Good. But I might suggest that you won't want to let this experience get you cocky. If you are actually an addict, cockiness over one's addiction can mean a sh!t-spray until death. It appears to me that successfully managing addiction comes through the simultaneous and consistent maintenance of two things -- complete abstinence from all mind and mood altering drugs, and active recovery (in whatever form works). A lot of addicts have tried to play the game on their own terms, and the results are all too frequently disastrous. Since addiction is a not uncommonly fatal disease, I think we might all be better off safe than sorry.

Of course, what you do decide to do is completely up to you.

There is just one more thing that I keep thinking about, though, which I'm going to mention on principle. Clean implies sober -- and if someone is drinking, they're not sober. If someone is not sober, by definition they are not clean. Alcohol is a drug. I think the word "clean" can get used a little too often as being open to interpretation. I'm beginning to think that re-interpreting the word as meaning something other than abstinence from all mood and mind altering substances can potentially be as dangerous to one's self as it can be to other addicts who can get the wrong message. The disease of addiction doesn't care where the substances come from or what form they take -- if it can grab onto anything, it will sink its claws in as far as they can go.

I wish you all the best. I hope you consider that some of your ideas might need reconsidering for your own benefit long-term. I hope you figure out what works (and what won't) for you.

[SilentKiller]

Thank you for your insight Step. I would just like to say that that am not at all cocky if this has done anything it has humbled me. I konw I am at a stage where I can have a full blown addiction but I will not let that happen. I am going to my NA tonight and talking about this. Just remember someone's recovery plan may be good for one person and not for another.

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by SilentKiller

I am going to my NA tonight and talking about this. Just remember someone's recovery plan may be good for one person and not for another.

However, any good recovery plan includes abstinance from drugs. When you go to your meeting tonight, SD, please listen very carefully when they read, "Alcohol is a drug" (period) is a common way to end that line in my area.

[SteppingItUp]

Despite my often apparent NA favoritism, I agree! There are definitely people who find recovery through other means -- and there are some good examples of them here, in fact!

Make no mistake, I am a thousand percent supportive of anyone who finds a way that really works for them.

I can only share what I know, and that comes from my own experiences, others who have been there and lived to tell the tale and then the 12-step fellowships. If you find a better way...come back and share it!!

By the way, I think BV's post here was awesome. Really brilliant stuff.

I'm glad to hear you're going out to a meeting tonight SK. And the humility, that's probably a very good thing today.

I also really wanted to commend you on your honesty. I'll guess it might not necessarily have been so easy to own up to, not even over the internet. I respect you for that.

Best wishes.

[findmyway706]

I think that best thing is that you are willing to move forward from the relapse. Right now, you can't change that you relapsed. So hearing anyone say that it's a terrible thing that you did isn't going to change that fact that you did. Is it terrible, maybe in some aspects. But you now know your strengths and weaknesses from the relaspse. So if you take those and hold them close and don't let them pursuade you to use again, I would say you learned a lesson from the relapse. Don't put yourself in a situation where you can be enticed to use. Stay away from old so called "friends" that will feed your addiction. I believe even though you are sober you will always have the addiction...knowingly putting yourself in a situation where you could use is self destructive. I am glad that you saw your life is better without the coke and didn't go back to old ways.

[Lily]

I relapsed on my 20 month anni. Just get back up, brush yourself off and move on. Tomorrow I will have 1 month!

[SelfDestruct]

Originally Posted by christin1225

However, any good recovery plan includes abstinance from drugs. When you go to your meeting tonight, SD, please listen very carefully when they read, "Alcohol is a drug" (period) is a common way to end that line in my area.

That's your way, it doesn't mean it's the only way!!!

[Dee74]

I really hate to pull the old timer thing on ya SD...but it *is* the only way I've found that works.

You'll find acouple of people here who disagree but, for what it's worth, a lot of other folks here with time behind them seem to agree with me.

I have 20 years experience of trying all the wrinkles, all the half measures, every trick in the book...and failing.

I'm going with the strength

D

[JustJohn]

Wow. I was just the opposite. I quit the weed, coke, acid and crank straight away and never looked back, but booze was tough. I went nearly 4 years without it and allowed myself to be talked into a glass of wine at a celebration dinner for a promotion I had recently earned. Huuuuge mistake for me. I struggled the next two years trying to get back off the booze. I had some sober weeks and months the last couple of years, and finally I have regained my center and my resolve to remain sober.

What I learned about myself is that one bad decision can lead to years of problems even after previous years of sobriety. It was not easy for me to stay sober after that one indescretion. It was more a thought issue in that I allowed myself to think "well, I screwed up 4 years of sobriety...what's one more drunk gonna hurt?" It took a while to get out of that circular logic of self destruction thinking.

I hope all works out for the best for you, SK. Hopefully you won't go through the type of circular thinking I allowed myself to go through. Good luck my friend.