So I relapsed...

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by SelfDestruct

That's your way, it doesn't mean it's the only way!!!

Spoken like someone who's not ready to quit using...

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[TTOSBT]

Originally Posted by SelfDestruct

Sound good to me, I think I know exactly where you are coming from

I think you do too. And of course it sounds good to you, you are still using and living a lie.

That's your way, it doesn't mean it's the only way!!!

Please forgive me for picking these out but I just don't believe you know anything about a "way" to be sober, right?
Keep comin back...

[SelfDestruct]

Originally Posted by TTOSBT

Please forgive me for picking these out but I just don't believe you know anything about a "way" to be sober, right?
Keep comin back...

What if one doesn't want to get sober, but merely wants to stop doing the things that cause them problems??

And yes I intend to keep coming back and I will fake it till I make it.....

[TTOSBT]

Originally Posted by SelfDestruct

What if one doesn't want to get sober, but merely wants to stop doing the things that cause them problems??

And yes I intend to keep coming back and I will fake it till I make it.....

So, you want to keep doing the same thing but get different results?
That, my friend, is the definition of insanity.

And another cliche...nothing changes if nothing changes.

When I was using, I would have defended that most of my problems were NOT caused by alcohol, stuff just happened TO me. But ya know what? After I got sober and started working a strong recovery program, stuff stopped happening to me! Don't get me wrong, life still happens and not every day is problem free, but they are quality problems today. No longer do i have problems that I have created by making bad decisions and choices.

If it was as easy as just deciding to stop doing the things that cause you problems, you would have already stopped doing them right?

Today I believe that I can do anything that I want to do as long as I am willing to pay the consequences. I got sober when I was no longer willing to pay the consequences that were a result of my drinking.

[lillie]

I don't really believe your last sentence. You can't just relapse after two years and say "well, I'm glad I did that and now I know". You're minimizing it. Are you really sure you don't wanna keep doing it? Most people feel a lot more guilty when they really quit.

[Cherybaby66]

I too call

if you were so happy to have relapsed...why come to a recovery board to brag about it?

whatever. i hope a new addict early in recovery doesn't take away any negative message from this thread. that part bothers me immensely.

[SelfDestruct]

Originally Posted by TTOSBT

So, you want to keep doing the same thing but get different results?
That, my friend, is the definition of insanity.

.

Not the same thing. Different. Mixing, combining things and putting things together that shouldn't be together are I believe the root of my problems. When I was just drinking by itself, I had no problems. Now that I'm not drinking now, I have no problems, and when I start drinking again, I will not be doing anything else that may mask or intensify the effects of alcohol.

[24hrsAday]

Originally Posted by SelfDestruct

Not the same thing. Different. Mixing, combining things and putting things together that shouldn't be together are I believe the root of my problems. When I was just drinking by itself, I had no problems. Now that I'm not drinking now, I have no problems, and when I start drinking again, I will not be doing anything else that may mask or intensify the effects of alcohol.

good luck to you.. i hope it works for you.. if it honestly does you are fortunate indeed!:ghug2

[change4penny]

The thing is this, once an addict, always an addict. Your addiction will creep in and try to make you think you can go back and control it....Impossible.
I know that I can't go back to the days where I would go out, have a few drinks and do some lines on the weekend, then back to reality on Monday. The drugs, for me...pills and cocaine had become my reality for so many years. Those 'weekends' eventually turned into using on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, etc. until it consumed my life for ten years.
We can't go back. A relapse for me could very possibly mean death. And if I didn't physically die, I know that my soul would be lost to those drugs FOREVER, and I wouldn't make it back.

The thing is...I don't miss getting high, it was never a 'good time' for me. My addiction put me in such a lonely place...a place I never want to go back to.
There is such a difference in abstinence and RECOVERY. For me, I am in recovery, therefore, I don't want to use.
This 'new life' is so much better, and I don't want to ever use again.
My worse day now is still so much better than my best day high.

Penny

[Threshold]

Originally Posted by SelfDestruct

Not the same thing. Different. Mixing, combining things and putting things together that shouldn't be together are I believe the root of my problems. When I was just drinking by itself, I had no problems. Now that I'm not drinking now, I have no problems, and when I start drinking again, I will not be doing anything else that may mask or intensify the effects of alcohol.

Make a link to this post of yours...keep it someplace safe...come back and reread it in a couple months...and let us know how it worked out for you.

I did that method of recovery for a while...then I decided to REALLY address my issues.

I thought I was "not like the other addicts"....and found out I am.

I thought my case was different. It wasn't.

I'm not an old timer, just a very humble newbie to recovery that learned by the multiple relapse method that being a humble newbie is 8000 times better than being a "I know what I am talking about" addict

[SilentKiller]

Originally Posted by Cherybaby66

I too call

if you were so happy to have relapsed...why come to a recovery board to brag about it?

whatever. i hope a new addict early in recovery doesn't take away any negative message from this thread. that part bothers me immensely.

First of all, in no way did I brag about my relapse. If you feel that way than I am sorry. I thought the whole point of SR was to share stories of recovery? Is what I did not part of my recovery process, I dare you to say its not. You people seem so closed minded when it comes to recovery. You think that there is only one way to stop, your way. If there was only one way to quit then there would only be one type of meeting, one type of book, one type of rehab. Just because 12 step works for some of you doesnt mean its for me. Just because I think like this does not mean I am going to fail. As for alcohol, this year so far I have had drank 4 times. One beer on St. Patricks with my Irish grandfather, a toast at my best friends wedding, one beer on sept 13th for a baseball game and a few with dinner on the night of my relapse. Now if you call this an alcohol problem then you are crazy. I see a drug/alcohol therapist who ssays there is nothing wrong with this. Just because some of you cannot handle managing a drug addiction and alcohol does not mean others cannot. I am sorry if I have offended any of you personally, that was not my intention. I have just gone through a life where every person is right and I am wrong no matter what.

[smacked]

'you people' ... come on now.. jump off that overgeneralization bus and lose the defensiveness. I am really sad to have read your original post too. I hope you find what works best for you. I just wanted to mention, that those of us who feel that total sobriety (drugs, alcohol) is our best way, it doesn't have anything to do with choosing a 12 step program or not, it was a decision to live a sober life. I don't participate in NA, AA or any 12 step program for that matter, but I've practiced being an addict for long enough to know that I personally can't pick my addictions. So you want to continue to drink, who cares? I hope it works out for you. I know for me, it doesn't.. my committment to sobriety has to stay that rock solid. Anything that gets me buzzed or wavers my sensibility is not adhering to MY committment to staying sober.

Of course all you can do is come here and share your story.. that is all WE can do too, so please respect that us narrow minded people have been through a lot of the same struggles and triumphs that you have, and have learned some very hard lessons about life and addiction along the way. No one is here typing to you for their own health or recovery, but I think we get tugged at when we see someone struggling and possibly headed down a path that one or two of 'us' have taken before, and we try to reach out.

If you want to go on about your using and defend your drinking, and don't want to read responses that might challenge your thoughts on that, write a blog.. People here are so supportive, a bit fragile.. emotional, and immensely helpful if you want it. Sometimes the things I never wanted to hear were the truest things anyone ever talked to me about.

I hope you find your way. We can only share what we individually know and have learned.

[SilentKiller]

I am sorry smacked, I guess I was just reaching out myself for help. Some people helped and others made me feel like scum of the earth for using. I am used to people who have never used making me feel that way, I didnt expect it from recovering addicts. I was just alittle taken back by some of their responses and yes I did get alittle defensive, I am sorry to all for that. I do not know what I was looking for by posting my story, maybe sympathy or pitty, I just dont know. Maybe it was to show others "Relapse should not be viewed as a failure; it is part of a learning process that eventually leads to recovery," says Susan Merle Gordon, Ph.D., take from my story what you will but just remember we are all addicts and we all recover in our own way.

[smacked]

take from my story what you will but just remember we are all addicts and we all recover in our own way.

I completely agree with that. And when I know MY way isn't working, I pull from the 'ways' of others to strengthen me. You can learn something here I promise!

[bval]

For my part SK, I'm not trying to say that NObody who's been addicted to a particular drug can pull off the occasional, situationally-related drink from time to time ... a glass of bubbly at a friends wedding, that sort of thing. There ARE people who can do this sort of thing. For example, our friend Windy here on SR is one of them, apparently.

But most of us, myself included, believe doing things like this puts us in a precarious position in terms of our continued sobriety, and knowing we have so much to lose (our lives, for example) if we were to return to active using, steadfastly refuse to allow ourselves to believe that this type of drinking is 'okay' for US.

There is A LOT to be said about the value of 'momentum' in one's sobriety. When you go months and months without using any drugs, and then you give in and use ... it nearly always makes it easier to decide to use again in the aftermath of that first use. It's just how the human mind, and this disease, operate.

Look at how your story begins SK. Go back and really read it again. After months of feeling 'shaky' about your recovery, you end up sitting in a bar, having a few ... i.e. apparently you basically went into a bar alone, to drink. And you just run into a buddy that you used to use drugs with. Then lo and behold, you end up with a bunch of coke in your pocket, which you then proceed to use.

I think if you really step back and look at this logically, in hindsight, you will see that having the attitude that it was okay for you to drink small amounts in certain situations occasionally led you to eventually believe that it was okay to go out to a bar where you might know people who you had used with and start drinking for no real reason at all. And then you ended up using drugs again for the first time in over 2 years.

What most of us here are getting at ... is that it doesn't matter that alcohol isn't or wasn't ever your 'main problem'. The problem is that one thing leads to another. Especially alcohol, because it so famously lowers one's inhibitions.

What we're trying to tell you is ... most of us ... we've already TRIED to hold on to our own 'plans' for how we were going to stay away from the one or two drugs that were the 'real problem', believing that there were other ways we could still safely get a little buzz going from time to time, as long as we stayed away from the stuff that we 'really like'. And almost 'to a man' (as the saying goes), it's ended up not working out. EITHER we ended up doing what you did ... had a few drinks, and next thing we knew, we were scoring dope and right back into the cycle, OR we ended up with a drinking (or whatever other drug we thought we were okay with) problem in fairly short order.

If you get caught up in thinking that addiction is drug-specific (and alcohol is a drug), you put yourself in dangerous position, SK. That's all we, with our MANY years of collective experience, are trying to tell you. The ONLY WAY to be CERTAIN that you will not fall back into a lifestyle of active addiction ... is to NOT pick up that FIRST drug.

There are 'varying' degrees of risk associated with drugs one might use in sobriety, I'm not going to deny that. Nicotine and caffeine appear to be relatively 'low risk', as are anti-depressants, that sort of thing. Obviously, using the specific drug you were addicted to is the highest risk. But alcohol is going to fall somewhere in between, and there's just no getting around it. It IS always going to be risky for a recovering addict to dabble with booze.

Bottom-line what we're (most all) trying to tell you is ... MAYBE you, or maybe any of us, could 'handle it' (whatever that substitute drug might be)... but we think it's not worth it to try to find out. Our lives are at stake.

It's just not worth it, Dude.

One last thought I want you to ponder, SK. If alcohol is not the problem, and you don't really even like it that much ... then why is it difficult to just say 'no' to it? Put another way, if you lack the fortitude to say 'no' to something that is clearly a risk to you, but that you don't particularly like, what does that say about your prospects for continuing to say 'no' to something that you really DO like ... for the rest of your life? That's the flipside to the whole 'alcohol is not the problem' argument. And I think it's valid point, if I say so myself

[Cherybaby66]

SK - I suppose there is something else about your story that made me a little angry too. It has to do with the fact that "normally" you would have kicked the ass of a person who was attacking a woman. However, you chose to bow out because you had $100 of coke in your pocket.

It tells me your priorities are kind of screwed...but, I shouldn't pass judgment on you for that. You're an addict, no different than the rest of us. We have all screwed up our priorities for the love of drugs.

Forgive my bitterness. Carry on with recovery any way you see fit. I'll pray for you.

[TTOSBT]

Originally Posted by SilentKiller

*SNIPPED*I see a drug/alcohol therapist who ssays there is nothing wrong with this. Just because some of you cannot handle managing a drug addiction and alcohol does not mean others cannot.

You see a drug and alcohol therapist that is okay with using?? Have you been completely honest with this person? I agree with you that have 4 drinks in a year is not problem drinking. I would only ask that you be careful. It is VERY easy for us (addicts) to switch addictions.

And you are right. You do not need to listen to me because I DEFINITELY can not handle managing a drug or alcohol addiction. You might be able to, but understand where we are coming from. If you can, you are one in a million.

[TTOSBT]

Originally Posted by SilentKiller

*SNIPPED*I see a drug/alcohol therapist who ssays there is nothing wrong with this. Just because some of you cannot handle managing a drug addiction and alcohol does not mean others cannot.

You see a drug and alcohol therapist that is okay with using?? Have you been completely honest with this person? I agree with you that have 4 drinks in a year is not problem drinking. I would only ask that you be careful. It is VERY easy for us (addicts) to switch addictions.

And you are right. You do not need to listen to me because I DEFINITELY can not handle managing a drug or alcohol addiction. You might be able to, but understand where we are coming from. If you can, you are one in a million.

[windysan]

coke is icky

[CrackQuack]

I really hope someone doesn't stumble upon it and say, "well, hey! if he did it...so can I and who knows? maybe it will be a positive experience for me too!"

I would hate to think someone who relapses is a positive role model for those who are working so diligently toward recovery.

There are some things that should be kept to yourself...for the greater good.

If someone uses this thread as an excuse to use, they were planning it. They were looking for it. They were going to do it anyway. And telling themselves that they read that another person, on SR, did it and everything was "ok", so they are free to try again is no different than hearing another person's story in an AA or NA meeting, about relapse and being lucky enough to not get into trouble or end up dead, and thinking they can go out and use. Anyone, thinking like that, is already planning their relapse and intend to use. We all know that relapse begins WAY before we actually use....
And someone who relapses can still be a positive role model by sharing their experience and letting others know what we should have known all along. The definition of insanity.
Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
Obviously this person thought it was OK to use coke one more time. Luckily they learned that it's just not worth it.
I think the poster is trying to convey that the "upside" to the relapse is that they realize it's not worth it. Using, one more time, woke this person up to the reality. I cannot say this is actually what they are trying to say, but it is my guess and what I get from the message.
I, personally, would not ever tell anyone to keep it to themselves, when they are actually working on recovery (yeah, someone telling us that smoking crack is awesome, I'd say shut the F*** up). Maybe, while they think everything is OK, when they share their story, they might find answers, or find not everything is OK, or may have been looking for more all along.
I do not think it was a good idea to relapse, but this person sharing REALLY drives home how addiction works. I see how our minds work and plan that relapse before the instant we actually use. That there were several opportunities to change one's mind. That there are consequences to actually carrying out the "plan". That we could have been caught. That we could have died. The experience this person has really puts WORDS to what goes on in our minds when we intend to relapse. It does kind of shock me, but it taught me quite a bit.
Hopefully, this person learns even more from sharing too. I am glad you shared and I really hope that you truly have learned a valuable lesson and continue to stay away from cocaine. Sometimes, when I read stories of relapse or hear of someone relapsing, it really scares me, as I have only 9 months clean. A part of me does strengthen and I tell myself I will not use. I will not relapse. But a part of me is afraid. Knowing that someone else, with more clean time than myself, has relapsed, that it could happen to me too. Which is a good thing. The more aware I am of it, the better prepared I will be when my addiction to crack cocaine sneaks up on me and tells me it's OK to use, one more time.

[Cherybaby66]

Nope. Did not say that. Didn't say they would use it as an excuse to use. What I was concerned with is that someone might think it is a good idea to "test" their sobriety the way this gentleman did.

Perhaps they want to see if they too can learn a lesson by realizing relapse is a good way to find out if you are actually successful in your sobriety.

And we are just going to have to agree to disagree here. There is no "up" side to relapse.

I like what you say, CQ. I wish you wouldn't say it in bright purple font though! LOL Really kills my 40 year old eyes.

[Dee74]

I considered all this, guys - I don't think any of us have the power to dictate or even guesstimate how someone might or might react to any given post.

I think the points here in response to the OP argument are well made and serve a purpose.

but...if this is gonna become one of those self-referencing threads that only talks about itself I'll have to rethink.

D

[SelfDestruct]

Originally Posted by Cherybaby66

And we are just going to have to agree to disagree here. There is no "up" side to relapse.

Finding the good in the bad helps you stay positive and keep moving forward...

[change4penny]

Look, while in rehab, I kept hearing that "relapse is a part of recovery". That scared the sh!t out of me! I don't think that I personally would make it back from a relapse. So, I decided after I got out of rehab, that for me, relapse = death.
I just believe that if you just abstaining from drugs, just not using, that doesn't mean you're in recovery. Recovery is more than 'not using', it means learning to deal with life without the use of drugs, and getting to a place in your life where you have no desire to use, no matter what the circumstances are.
For me, it's not that I have a problem with alcohol, never have. I just don't have the need to use something that takes me out of myself. Plus, every time I have had a drink, it had led me to use or want to use cocaine. So why would I drink? Why would I put my sobriety to such a foolish test?
It all comes down to the person's desire. My desire is to live a life that has no room for ANYTHING that takes me out of myself.

SK... I hope and pray that you have learned something from this. But, at the same time, relapse comes way before the actual relapse. If you are in recovery, you use the tools that you've learned while in recovery...before you use. But the bottom line is this...when comes down to it, when you went to that bar and asked to be hooked up with some coke, went home and got the mirror out, put the coke on it, then snorted it, that was YOUR DECISION. What's gonna stop you the next time?
Ask yourself.....Am I abstaining, or am I in RECOVERY?

Good luck, and God Bless.

Penny