Struggling, my first post...

[findmyway706]

Hello everyone, I am 31 year old female struggling with a closet addiction to RX painkillers. I am sorry this is such a long post but I feel the need to get all of this off my chest. It all started 4 years ago when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I was given an RX of Tramadol, (which they say is not an opiate, but is similiar, but is highly addictive). I was given an RX to take 6-8 per day. Well for the first two years I only took a max of 4 per day and it killed my pain. I was doing so well for myself, I finished my bachelor's degree with a 4.0, got a better paying -college level job. After I started my new job, things started going downhill. My one co-worker decided I was a threat to her position because I was doing so well at my job (getting praises from everyone, employee of the month award), that she was going to make up rumors about me having drug problems. I was very open about my Fibro and that I took pain medication. Well my bosses believed her and I ended up on temporary disability for "stress" and anxiety, for two months. I really felt isolated, alone, and wondering why all my hard work got me here. One day I took 3 pills at a time and it led to more...the high feeling took away all bad feelings I had about what was going on in life. I sucked it up and went back to work...put on my happy face and now I pretend all is wonderful. Going home on my lunch breaks to down a few pills and cope through the day. When I run out of my tramadol, I somehow get my hands on percocet, tylenol 3's...anything that is an opiate pain killer. The scary thing is that these stronger opiates don't do the job like the tramadol.

I know my addiction stems from other deep rooted things from my past and I know I have to face those things. My mom passed when I was 14 to cancer, then my one brother passed when I was 16 from a heroin overdose, and then my other one died from a fentanyl patch overdose mixed with xanax. So that left me and my dad. My dad has been through so much. That's why I can't have him find out about my addiction...it would kill him inside and maybe out. I have always been the solid one, the smart one, the accomplished daughter...his pride and joy. I am all he has. Right now I am having a rough weekend because I ran out of tramadol, have about three percocets to get me through until Tuesday and I have to work on Monday and Tuesday. I don't want to get my next RX of tramadol and go back to my old habits. I have Fibromyalgia and the joint and muscle pain is bad. So it's hard for me to cope without some type of medication for my joints and muscles. I see my rheumatologist on Tuesday and am going to ask him to try one of the other Fibromyalgia drugs. But I also would love to hear any suggestions on where I could do outpatient detox from all these pain killers. I have been to grief therapy for my family loss twice...but only by therapists...not psychiatrists or psychologists...I am thinking I need that as well. I have great health benefits so I can afford it. I did tell my best friend about my addiction a couple times when I was trying to go cold turkey...she is so far away though and I don't think she fully understands. I would love to have some type of support while trying to beat this. Today so far I have taken....two tylenol 3's, and two percocets. I have two left until Tuesday so I know I am in for hell the next few days. The thought of trying to go to work the Monday and Tuesday gives me a headache. I am out of sick days as well...so I can't call out. Anyway, sorry for babbling...having a rough time and want this to end. I want to feel again, I want to smile again and it really be me smiling...not some fake persona. I don't want to base my days around counting how many pills I have left until I run out, spending my hard earned money on getting extra meds to get high, not having a social life because I have shut all my friends out and just base my days on taking pills. I am afraid of this addiction getting worse and me getting on other stronger narcotics. I know I want this to end...I just have to find the courage to do so. Thanks for listening.

Jenn

[beautifulbc]

Hi Jenn - welcome to sr - you and I could be mirror images of each other....I have herniated discs though.
Also a highly functioning member of the community, raised 4 great stand-up kids, awesome husband.
I too am an addict to rx pills and have kept my 'secret' for years. I did up telling my daughter because I needed to taper and didn't trust myself with the pills. She gives me my doses everyday. Humiliating? Yes, but necessary.
I surrender.

I am on day 6 of 'detoxing'....you can do this.

You are so right when you say it's deeper than the pills but just deal with one thing at a time. Put your resolve into getting through the next few days of w/d.

It's not easy and I have had to taper because I was at a ridiculously high amount of opiates. I am hopeful by next week I will be 'free'.

I would suggest you load yourself with ibuprofen, gravol, immodium and drink loads of fluids. Don't deny your body of any other cravings other than the rx pills - I wanted ichiban noodles - never had them EVER but weirdly had to have them.

Please be kind to yourself - just work on today - not yesterday or tomorrow - just right now.

I will be thinking of you - keep posting - this is a great place to be.....

Hugs - BC

[Wolfchild]

[change4penny]

Hi and welcome. I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 13 months clean. I began taking pain meds after an accident more than ten years ago. I was also going through a nasty divorce at the time, which I believe that contributed to me becoming addicted...I was ripe for an addiction due to all the stress.
Before rehab, I was swallowing 30 10mg pills of hydro or oxycodones each day just to keep from being 'dope sick' and to keep myself from feeling anything. Plus, after years of socially using cocaine, the last four years before rehab, I became addicted 'hardcore', snorting and smoking $150-300 worth of coke every day...along with the pills, a very dangerous combination. I actually od'ed a couple of times.

Since you have good health insurance, I would seek a rehab facility. The one I went to was far from some of these you see nowadays, but I needed help, not a vacation.

I'm here to tell you....If I can do it...YOU can do it. I was addicted for so long, especially to the pills, my entire life depended on them. I was completely obsessed with them and that 'feeling'. I always felt that I needed 'something', and that's how I became so addicted to coke....because eventually, the pills were not enough.

While in rehab, they started me on Suboxone. It took my insurance forever to approve the Suboxone, so, I didn't get started on it til my seventh day...after detoxing practically on my own. But, looking back, I realize that was for the best, because the memory of my detox keep me on the straight and narrow road of recovery. It was a hell that I cannot describe, nor do I ever want to revisit. The suboxone however took all the cravings away for opiates. It's been a miracle for me. But, I must say, without the desire to really get clean, and a recovery plan in place, it's just 'another pill'.

Good luck to you in your search for LIFE...a life that only recovery brings.

Penny

[Believe808]

Welcome to SR.

[findmyway706]

Thanks Beautiful, Penny and others for the support. Well I took my last two percocets just a few minutes ago. I know I shouldn't have but I know if they are in my possesion I will take them...tomorrow it's cold turkey and I know I have to do it...I have no way of getting my hands on the stuff so this is the best time to do it.

It's amazing to hear the stories from you all...it brings hope to me. I told myself when I witnessed my brothers overdosing and dying on heroin and fentynl that I would never touch the stuff and here I am starting down the same road. Scary and I know where the end of the road is...death! I have tried to detox before and it was hell...I got as far as three days and the shivers were going away and then I decided to refill my pills to see if I could just take the amount I was prescribed...well that only last about two days. I just have to take it one day at a time...like you said. I sit here worrying about the hell I will be in tomorrow...thank goodness it's the weekend. I have to go to work on Monday and I am going to have to play it off as the flu if it gets bad. Probably will have to play it off as the flu all week..lol.

I read that taking a small dose of benedryl might help me relax and along with the ibuprofen for pain. Anything that will bring comfort I guess. I know I will be posting on here a lot. I know the key is going to be taking it one day at a time and knowing that the withdrawl is actually my body getting better and going back to it's normal functioning before the addiction.

Thanks all, I will post tomorrow.

[Sugah]

Hi, Jenn. You're in for a couple of rough days, but you can get through it. I'd urge you, when you speak to your rheumatologist on Tuesday to come clean (no pun intended) and discuss the issues you're having with narcotics. As someone who's had fibromyalgia for a lot of years (symptoms appeared when I was in my teens, though I wasn't diagnosed until I was 22 -- and I'm 41 now), I can tell you that opiates never made my fibromyalgia better. They may have dulled the pain, but they didn't contribute to any improvement in my condition. Improvement came through diet, exercise and attention to spiritual growth.

I'd also suggest you find your way to some NA meetings. Addiction has very little to do with the symptoms (i.e., the drugs we abuse). Listen and see if perhaps you can identify with the feelings expressed. If you can, you're in the right place, and you can recover.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[kj3880]

I'm praying for you. I am recovering from opiate pain pill addiction, too. I have 19 months clean now. It sure was an insidious and hard to kick addiction. Let me know if you need any support or suggestions! I still go to a therapist every month for mental health issues, and NA meetings most days for the support. I work the steps with a sponsor, and that has opened up a new and wonderful world of happiness to me.

Love,
KJ

[Threshold]

detox is hell, but worth it. It did help me, and does help me keep from relapsing, because I know that ultimately I am going to live clean. so why not just stay clean and not have to do THAT again...right?

Also, as far as pain management for your fibro, etc...I am not a dr, but like another poster, I found that addressing some other issues helped more with that than another Rx med did.

Addiction is a pervasive issue, and I have multiple addictions. When I address addiction and addictive behavior in my life, I mean the real underlying issue, things start to improve all around, it's a cycle. Just like using starts a viscious cycle that tears apart my entire life, addressing my issues starts a cycle that revs up my entire life.

So, I began truly addressing my issues...in ALL areas, stopped using food as a drug, lost weight, eating healthy and excercising made me need next to NO pain meds for arthritis etc that had been exacerbated by 60 lbs of extra weight...etc etc.

The thing is, I had to start somewhere. Anywhere, I had to jump in, with my whole heart and soul and start working, and as I do so the pieces begin to fall into place, but there is no set pattern as to how that happens, it's an act of trust. Get clean, work a program and life will start to change all around you...in some great ways and some terrifying ways...but stick with it.

Make incredible use of those great benefits, check out every avenue of support available to you and put together a recovery program that truly addresses YOUR situation.

And don't worry about dad being crushed by your addiction. Honey...think of how you are blessing him by leaving it behind! If you are an addict, whether the word is out there or not, it's hurting him,. and when you are sober, whether the word is out there or not, he will benefit.

Just do it.

You can, you will, and we will be right here beside you.

Get clean, the week of discomfort is a small price to pay, believe me.

[Stagebear]

I can help you find a local detox and follow up outpatient program. In addition there are several good AA/NA meetings in the Riverside area.

[findmyway706]

Thanks everyone. I am already feeling like hell today. Stomach issues, a little bit of chills..I know the cold sweats are coming. I am taking it one day at a time, trying to get through detox the first few days and then going to get my self on a program. I am glad I live alone right now because someone seeing me like this...well would be awful. I am trying to force myself to get dressed, and take my poor dog for a walk...something she usually gets and I haven't done in the past few days. Maybe it will get my mind off this hell. I will update later...thanks everyone for supporting me.

[change4penny]

I know it's hard, but just keep focus on your desire to get clean. Remember, you didn't get addicted over night, so getting clean will not happen over night either. But, each day, do what I did...I'd tell myself, "surely I won't feel this bad tomorrow", then, the same thing after one week, I'd say, "surely I won't feel this bad next week at this time".
I promise, it does get better.
Take a few days to be 'sick', but then, it's important to make yourself get up and get dressed and do something. Maybe go to some meetings.
That's what was so great about rehab. They allowed you a few days to detox, but then they made you attend group and NA/AA meetings. They keep you busy so you don't have time to focus on how bad you feel. It works.

Hope you feel better real soon,

Penny

[findmyway706]

That is the worst part of this!! I feel like I have the flu but I know it's not. I went to the drug store got some immodium...my stomach is better. I couldn't muster up energy to walk the dog so i put her in the car to go to the drug store with me. The only thing that is great about my day is that it feels like I am seeing things more clearly and thinking more clearly,nothing seems dulled...when I was driving the trees and the sun and all the colors outside seemed so brighter and beautiful. I feel like I have ADD though, my thoughts run in and out of clearness and then just wanting to get totally high. I have to go to work tomorrow and that is scary in itself....God Help me.

[Cherybaby66]

Have you talked to your rheumatologist about Lyrica? It's a relatively new drug (only a few years old) but has seem to have had a lot of success with resolving mild pain resulting from fibromyalgia. It's not a narcotic either. Make sure to stay very honest with your doctors about your addiction. It's the only way you will truly resolve your issue.

After the chills/shakes/sweats...the biggest challenge for me during percocet withdrawal was the restless legs I dealt with for many nights. It was very frustrating to be unable to sleep. I walked the floors all night long in a zombie state of exhaustion. Hot baths were a godsend. I must have spent hours soaking in a tub, on and off. Adding epsom salts helped too. My heating pad became my best friend.

It was nine days of absolute hell...but those memories are what keeps me in check now. I never want to go through the hell of withdrawal ever again. Keep yourself busy during cravings. They say (whoever "they" are) that the average craving lasts approximately 10 minutes or so. If you can keep your mind otherwise occupied during that time...before you know it, the feeling will pass.

I am so sorry for the multiple losses of family members you have suffered through. I couldn't fathom losing so many people that close to me. Have you been to therapy to help reconcile those emotions? You would probably benefit from it a great deal...and it will help you during your battle with addiction.

Good luck to you. And stay in touch here. Excellent support system available 24/7. This website got me through MANY sleepless nights.

[findmyway706]

Wow, I had really mild chills, sweats today. Last night I woke up at 2am and had a period of restless legs (fun) (fun). I am glad to be feeling less flu-like. Now I am just in pain, but it's my back and has always really bothered me with the fibro. That's the bad part about having an addiction and also being in pain--the pill is a quick fix not a permanant answer. Definitely going to talk to my Rheumatologist about the Lyrica. I am taking Cymbalta as well for the pain and depression.


I am so glad I had work to re-focus myself today even though It was hard to get through. I came home and actually walked the dog to try and get some type of exercise...later I am going to do some stretches before bed. My head just feels so messed up. I feel low, in the dumps for no reason...well, I guess because I am going through withdrawl right? If I could crawl up in a ball and cry I would, but I am just trying to keep busy and focus on something else.

Tomorrow night if the brain is functioning better I am going to write up a plan for me to start NA meetings, and find a good psychologist. UGH! I need to take a deep breath this evening. Thanks again everyone, I am so glad I came here for support.

[findmyway706]

Last night was rough. Woke up at 2 am, and started with the tossing and turning, restless legs, and then stomach issues. Had to be at work at 8am. So I did manage to sleep 5 hours before I woke up at 2am. Now I am literally couch bound, the fatique is awful. I just want to feel normal again, but I don't know what normal is without the pills still. It's hard to imagine life without them, it's sad that I based my life around them..all of the happiness I thought I had was in an RX bottle. I just want to get through detoxing and get to a meeting. I just want the feeling that a mac truck ran me over three hundred times to go away. I feel like I have to peel myself off of my chair at work and at home to accomplish anything. It's a constant battle in my mind for me to push myself to do anything. My dad is on a cruise in the Carribean, so I haven't spoke to him in 5 days and will not see him till next week...so that is making me anxious too.

On a good note, I did make plans to meet a childhood friend on Saturday for a walk in the park and lunch. I know that I need to get out and socialize, and get my mind off things. Then Sunday I might go get my hair cut and colored. I know I need to do some "good" things for myself right now. Well, I am off to try and fall asleep...so sad that I can't even make it past 7:18 pm... Day 4 for me, and I am hoping things get better!

[kj3880]

You are doing fantastic! Congratulations on day 4! Feeling a little bit better each day! I promise you that life clean beats using, as long as you work a program of recovery. Good idea to start meetings, why not tomorrow? They only take an hour, and they will definitely encourage you.

Love,
KJ

[vicodaniel]

You are doing great don't turn back now ! I detoxed in the hospital for a few days then continued at home. those clear feelings are great and you are in for more. Regarding your pain When I first got off hydrocodone my pain was an issue gradually my body has gotten better at handling it and I can get by with nothing or acouple ibuprophen.

[findmyway706]

Okay, so I saw my Rheumatologist and voiced my concern about the tramadol being addictive. He recommended that I try the tramadol ER which is one pill a day and only the equivalent of 4 pills that slowly release over a 24 period. I will only get 30 pills a month instead of 180. I think my game plan is to start focusing on a treatment regimen for my pain that doesn't whole heartedly rely on pills. I have a gym membership that doesn't get used....I want to start making a commitment to at least three days per week, followed by maybe yoga and stretching on the days I am not at the gym. The once a day pill will only be a piece to my treatment regime. If I can't take the medication as prescribed, well then, I will definitely have to try something that isn't going to lead me down a destructive path. I am feeling confident that I can. These past few days have been eye opening for me...very scary, very painful, and very sad. I can't believe I was taking almost 360 pills a month and functioning. Being sober the past few days, even though feeling depressed, I had some moments of clarity that made me smile and feel happiness like I did before I was abusing. I actually realized what my addiction has done to several aspects of my life. For one, I am in severe credit card debt, and was not paying my bills because I was spending money buying pills. Two, I have had issues with my job...making it to work, being late. Three, I have let my self go...I look horrible. I used to about how I looked (did my hair, makeup, etc), the pills made me just care less about everything. Three, I keep pushing things off I need to do because I just want to lay around and be high. It's hard to admit these things, but it's true...I am a bit disgusted with myself now The good thing is last night I slept 9 hours, no sweats, barely any stomach issues. The worst is over. I am going to beat this. I have inventory at work during the nights this week so I am hoping to catch an NA meeting on the weekend....does anyone know if they have them on weekends? I am clueless on where they are and when they are. thanks again for listenting everyone...this helps so much.

[kj3880]

There are several meetings every day in your town:

Saturday
Willingboro Caring & Sharing 3.9 Miles
8:00 PM -9:30 PM Lourdes Hospital
O,St,S,D 218 Sunset Rd.


Burlington City Come Grow With Us 6.1 Miles
11:00 AM -12:30 PM Saint Mary's Hall
O,B,St 145 West Broad Street


Cherry Hill Blue Book Basics 6.7 Miles
7:30 PM -9:00 PM Unitarian Universalist Church
O,St,Td,P,Bk 401 N. Kings Hwy.


Camden Eleventh Hour 8.2 Miles
9:30 AM -11:00 AM Urban Promise
O,Varied 36th & Rudderow


Mount Holly The Beacon Of Hope 8.3 Miles
9:00 PM -10:30 PM Mt. Moriah AME Church - Fellowship Hall
O,S,St,Td,L,D 210 Washington Street

Sunday
Burlington City Come Grow With Us 6.1 Miles
7:30 PM -9:00 PM Saint Mary's Hall
O,S,Tp,Td,D 145 West Broad St.


Cherry Hill Recovery Stop 7.0 Miles
6:00 PM -7:00 PM St. Michael's Lutheran Church
O,JFT 601 Kings Hwy. North


Mt. Holly The Flat Book Group 8.4 Miles
11:00 AM -1:00 PM Virtua Memorial Hospital
C,St,S 175 Madison Ave.


Camden Stepping Into Serenity 8.7 Miles
2:00 PM Saint Joseph's Church
O,Varied 29th & Federal Sts.

If you want to find more, check out the website:

http://www.narcoticsanonymousnj.org/...gs/radius5.asp

Love,
KJ
Let me know if you need any more help.

[findmyway706]

Thanks KJ, I am definitely getting to a meeting this weekend.

[kj3880]

Good for you, and remember to get there early and hang around a bit after to give people a chance to meet you. You don't have to share if you don't want to, but at least when they give out keytags, pick up a newcomers' tag when they call for "24 hours or just a desire for a new way of life" and then they'll know that you are new and should be coming up to you after the meeting so they can give you their phone numbers. Get some numbers of women to call when you are feeling alone or want a ride to a meeting.

And remember that when we give you our number, we really do hope that you call us! Newcomers help us keep our recovery fresh. We need you! You are the most important person at the meeting!

Love,
KJ