new to this forum....

[jass1]

Hi there,

I don´t know if I´m posting in the right place but i have been with my partner for nearly ten years and every six months or so he has a day or two where I think he is either taking heroine or some kind of prescription drugs. I don´t know what to do he said he took a sleeping tablet but he stays awake all night and just acts different. His voice goes deeper, his pupils are really pinned and he scratches he just doesn´t look or act like the guy I have known and love for so long. I don´t know what it is...I don´t know how to get him to tell me the truth as surely if he was taking a sleeping tablets he would sleep and not be awake all night. He has sworn on my life that it was a tablet he took and not heroin, but he used to smoke heroin about 12 years ago and says he would never go back to that. Its weird because it only happens maybe twice a year. Its also only happens if we have been going through a hard time...maybe its his way of coping. I have looked on the internet and the effects of both heroin and some prescription drugs can make him act in this way. I feel angry with him but so sad aswell cause I don´t understand why he is lying to me or taking it at all. He doesn´t understand that it is pushing us apart.

[Vintersemestre]

If he's only doing it twice a year you're in the wrong place because that is not drug addiction, it's someone enjoying a casual round of escapism. Escapism is a normal part of human behaviour and just because he chooses to do it with what sounds like amphetamine instead of drinking or jumping out of airplane doesn't make him a bad person and is unlikely to be a reflection on you. If he does it more often when you two are having "problems" don't regard it as some inability to tolerate you on his part, it his inability or unwillingness to cope with the heartache fighting with you most likely causes him, hence the escapism.

This is all speculation, I don't know you at all, obviously, but maybe he's unwilling to tell you the truth because you've exhibited a demonstrably prejudiced or unreasonably negative attitude towards recreational drug use.

My advice would be to genuinely ask him that you just want to understand what he's doing and that the lying makes you uncomfortable. If he decides to tell you it would not be a good time to get sanctimonious or passive-aggressive. Do not begin the dialogue by firing from a moral high ground or you are going to cause resentment and make him feel as though you are treating him like a child and he's still going to do it anyway, in fact if it were me I would do it simply out of spite. I've found that if you really try to listen to someone and comprehend without a judgmental attitude it is much easier to objectively understand what is happening. If he still decides he doesn't want to tell you then that's the end of it, he's an adult and is entitled to privacy. I don't really think that it's worth ruining a marriage over because it's really not that big a deal but if you find it so reprehensible that you need to leave, then you can still do that. I'm not trying to be confrontational, I'm just trying to give you advice that may lead to constructive adult dialogue instead of conflict and screaming matches.

[jass1]

Thank you for your reply. What you are saying is true and I have in the past confonted him in an agressive manner which is why he probably doesn´t feel he can be honest with me. I will try what you have said and hopefully we can work things out, it is just really difficult for me to see him and be around him when he is taking.

[change4penny]

If he was addicted to smoking heroin at one time, there is no "casual escapism". Once an addict, always an addict. Even if he's only doing whatever it is twice a year....it will lead him back eventually to full time addiction.
In my opinion...if he's using to escape reality, or hard times, that's a very bad sign. Trying to escape reality is what got me in trouble. Running from my problems is why I became so hopelessly addicted to opiates and cocaine. Lets face it, there will always be problems in life...using is not the answer and it will become the biggest problem of all.

Penny

[incitingsilence]

As the wife of a recovering heroin addict I totally agree with this….

My advice would be to genuinely ask him that you just want to understand what he's doing and that the lying makes you uncomfortable. If he decides to tell you it would not be a good time to get sanctimonious or passive-aggressive. Do not begin the dialogue by firing from a moral high ground or you are going to cause resentment and make him feel as though you are treating him like a child and he's still going to do it anyway, in fact if it were me I would do it simply out of spite. I've found that if you really try to listen to someone and comprehend without a judgmental attitude it is much easier to objectively understand what is happening. If he still decides he doesn't want to tell you then that's the end of it, he's an adult and is entitled to privacy. I don't really think that it's worth ruining a marriage over because it's really not that big a deal but if you find it so reprehensible that you need to leave, then you can still do that. I'm not trying to be confrontational, I'm just trying to give you advice that may lead to constructive adult dialogue instead of conflict and screaming matches.

Sounds like opiates, but then does it matter what he is taking as it is obvious he is altered…

What are you fears in this, what is it that upsets you when he uses….

And I could add in

Is he meeting his responsibilities…
Is he emotional and physically available…
Do you got out together, does he go out with friends…
Does he have passions ( his stuff ) in daily life and is he still engaging in them….

A yes to these would be good…

Is money missing, are things missing…
Does he talk in a comparing out way…I am not as bad as
Is there a lot of blame on others when he speaks…

A yes to these not so good, but still you won’t know what is up truly…

I wish you the best!

[Vintersemestre]

Originally Posted by change4penny

Once an addict, always an addict

Sorry, but I just don't buy this, that's why I never consider it when giving advice. For alot of you it's probably best that you abstain from all drugs forever if that's what you want, but I have just not observed it to the case all the time, just most of the time. People are cured of psychological and psychiatric problems all the time and I would feel like a complete fool in pretending to know things about someone I never met and know nothing about.

[jass1]

Originally Posted by incitingsilence

As the wife of a recovering heroin addict I totally agree with this….




Sounds like opiates, but then does it matter what he is taking as it is obvious he is altered…

What are you fears in this, what is it that upsets you when he uses….

And I could add in

Is he meeting his responsibilities…
Is he emotional and physically available…
Do you got out together, does he go out with friends…
Does he have passions ( his stuff ) in daily life and is he still engaging in them….

A yes to these would be good…

Is money missing, are things missing…
Does he talk in a comparing out way…I am not as bad as
Is there a lot of blame on others when he speaks…

A yes to these not so good, but still you won’t know what is up truly…

I wish you the best!

My fears are that he will start using all the time again. I can´t understand why he needs to use to feel better about a situation or 'escape' even if it is only a couple of times a year. When I see him under the influence it makes me feel physically sick because he acts different he looks different, he´s not the same person. I find him irritating I feel so many different emotions. I wonder what on earth I am doing with him, I hate him when he is like that. but then the next day when he is fine again all my negative feelings aren´t as strong because I feel like he´s back. I get so angry when I try to talk to him because he lies and then it ends in an arguement he is just so defensive.

To the first set of questions the answer is yes. To the second sometimes he says its only every now and again its not as if I am off my head...he says I act and look the same as always...it´s like he doesn´t see what I see and he makes me feel like I am over reacting but I know I´m not, he does change.

I just need to find a way to really talk to him about it calmly without fighting but I find it so hard.

Thank you for all your advice it really helps as I can´t really talk to anyone about this.

[Vintersemestre]

Perhaps "escapism" isn't the best term, since it implies flight, but it seems to be the one that we tend to use most often. "Breakism" is more descriptive of the behaviour - you're working hard and your body is tired, so you take a break and come back to it later, never with the intention of leaving the job incomplete.

It could be opiates, it's hard to tell from that description because usually prolonged wakefulness and incessant babbling are two primary factors of amphetamine intoxication, but pinprick pupils and itchiness from histamine release are two primary physical signs of opiate intoxication. In fact now that I consider some psychological effects of opiate use, the intense euphoria it apparently causes could very well cause one to become energized enough to stay awake all night and blab for hours. That's especially true if he uses it so rarely, as people consistently report that such intense euphoria is the first positive effect that is nullified after continued chronic use.

[incitingsilence]

This is hard because what will be will be and will shown when it is damn well ready to, never before….


So you are left in your reality and him is his.
He doesn’t find his using to be a problem, and you do and there is a reason why his using effects you beyond the changes you see….
Which leads me to ask are you the product of addiction? Where you raised in a home where addiction was very present. It is the physically sick comment, different emotions…as if you are thrown into emotional havoc.

So your fears are that he will fall back in again and that fear could be justified as well as not. Addiction is more than just using, hell even recovery is more than….neither are tied to a using and or not using…although this is how I see it, both are though very tied to the display of behaviors….

Maybe before you speak to him you can look within you and see if you understand you in the moment. Write it out if you have to for yourself, what his using trips, what behaviors make you sick and the why’s behind it all….Make sure you are real careful to look at each side of him that you see and if they aren’t blurred together, that you are not just seeing a more stronger version of the real him using and that is why you are thrown into emotional havoc if that makes sense.

I have a hard time thinking that twice a year will trip such a reaction in you, although it could I just find it odd….could there be more going on that you can’t admit to yourself yet…

[krisgrace]

I always have thought once an addict always....I can never pick back up another pain pill and only have one and never again. My ex husband can never pick up another beer and have just one and be a social drinker. It is something you have to constantly work at. Thats all.

[Wolfchild]

[Dee74]

Hi Jassy - welcome

I can´t understand why he needs to use to feel better about a situation or 'escape' even if it is only a couple of times a year.

I agree with you - the frequency is not the issue here - it's the usage - why he's using and the fact you says your husband 'changes'.

I also agree you need to talk to him about it, calmly, and let him know how it affects you.

We can share our experience and our opinions as appropriate, but please remember all we can really offer here is speculation - none of us are qualified to assess what your husband may be using, especially on the basis of a few posts.

Trust your judgement above everything, Jassy.

D

[windysan]

I don't fall for the "once and addict, always an addict" thing either. I've learned that I can take prescription medication(opiates/benzos) responsibly and as prescribed(even LESS than prescribed). Nope, ain't buyin it.