Update

[jane_668]

Hello everyone. Well it's been long since I last posted. My doctor prescribed Ritalin for ADD. I was 5 months clean then. But I guess my body was allergic to Ritalin. It did nothing but give me panic attacks. I felt like having a heart attack. So my doctor got me of them.

I am now 54 days clean again.I go to meetings daily. I think I'm even doing better than before because I figured out that for us there's no quick fix. Nothing really helped me but meetings and excercise. I walk for 40 minutes and swim everyday. I guess our bodies react to medications different than normal people. So now when I'm feeling hyperactive, I try to find ways to slow my brain down like putting on some relaxing music. The most important thing is that I learned to accept myself as I am. I know that I have so many issues but it's ok. I can do my best today. It's hard but going back out there is even more painful. So I am grateful to be clean today.

[Vintersemestre]

Why did you have to reset your clean clock? You tried a medication a doctor gave you to help you with some unpleasant symptoms you were experiencing, didn't abuse it, but found it that the unpleasant side-effects outweighed the benefits. I don't see how that amounts to drug abuse.

[Wolfchild]

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by Vintersemestre

Why did you have to reset your clean clock? You tried a medication a doctor gave you to help you with some unpleasant symptoms you were experiencing, didn't abuse it, but found it that the unpleasant side-effects outweighed the benefits. I don't see how that amounts to drug abuse.

I agree with Vinter, Jane. Of course, a person's clean date is a personal thing. I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. I think that some people assume that they won't be missed if they fade away and stop posting. That's usually not true. It's so encouraging to hear from someone who hasn't posted in a while. It's always welcome news when they've been doing well. Thanks for posting your update.

[jane_668]

Why did you have to reset your clean clock? You tried a medication a doctor gave you to help you with some unpleasant symptoms you were experiencing, didn't abuse it,

Why , because simply I started obsessing about snorting it. I tried it once and liked it. I didnot increase the dose because I couldnot. I actually had to take less and try to see if I manage that dose. If that's not considered abuse of medication then defiantely it's not called sobriety. I even went once to the meeting scared to move my left arm so as my heart wont ache. I would beg my doctor to help me because I couldnot breath. My doctor wanted me to get off it immediately but I liked the fact that I could take something and not nod. But it seems my body cant handle any amphetamines ,not even diet pills. The same happened every time take diet pills.

The bottom line is I dont care for my clean date as I care for what's happening when I'm clean. I dont want to just quit drugs. I have soo many issues to work on .I am already doing better but I still have a lot to do. I feel that I was never functioning right, even before I got on drugs. For me, it's like a baby learning his first steps. I feel I have no social skills whatever. I'm a functional addict obviously because I still have my job, my car and material stuff. But I dont have coping skills in life. I have some addictive behaviors that are as bad as drugs such as self-pity. So me for it's not about quitting drugs only. I want to change myself. So what difference can changing my sobriety day do? I am already enjoying a better sobriety than I ever had ,even in the 5 months. i didnot lose what I learned in the previous 5 months. Atually , that's why it was easier for me to have 55 days clean again.

Christin, miss you too. How are you doing? I took some time because I had to work on myself. I needed some f2f help. It's still hard for me because I have mood swings and nothing is helping. I changed my diet to healthy one and reduced sugar. I would be so hyper in the morning then crash at 3 or 4 pm everyday. But the weirdest thing is that I cannot focus well in the mroning. Too many thoughts and useless energy then in the after noon I would be so focused and finish all my work. As I said, I have so much stuff to work on but getting there.. without medication this time.

[ChillyBones]

Is it that you like the whole ritual of drug use? Whenever I used coke I swear that half the buzz was just from the preperation of the chopping up the lines, Rolling up a bank note and whizzing myself across the mirror, I got a buzz just from thinking about it


I know what you mean about the whole 'functional addict' thing, I have a job I hate, I have a mortgage that takes 70% of my wage packet, a nice car and all of the bullsh*t materialistic cr*p normal people have. I also have £6000 debt ($10,000ish) on my credit card that I have no idea how im gonna pay off. I was using my doc to numb myself from the reality of how much debt I am in and how much I hate work.

Without your drug of choice, what is it you do to cope now?

Now my physical sides are fading im starting to get worried about how im gonna get myself out of my money worries and how im gonna fill all those hours that I used to get high.

Coping skills? Yeah I have none either, the mental side of addiction is far worse than the physical as its gonna last forever now

Time for another cup of tea and a hot bath me thinks!


This forum is great though for a friendly kick up the bum to make you think twice.

CB

[jane_668]

Is it that you like the whole ritual of drug use?

I never thought about that before but I think I cant really differenciate whether I like the rituals of drug use or I'm simply acting on my addiction.

Without your drug of choice, what is it you do to cope now?

I go to meetings daily both AA/NA. I have a sponsor whom I call daily. I ready JFT everyday and I have a woman meditation book that I read also. I excercise daily. Whenever I feel low ,I just wright down what ever going through my mind . Then I do a gartitude list in the evening. I call and email lots of friends in recovery daily.

The thing is, I try to keep myself as busy as I can without adding more stress. I still didnot fill that hole you're talking about. I guess it takes time and it takes dealing with all of my emotions which I pushed down. There's no quick fix for my situation.I simply try to do my best everyday. The best coping is when I deal with daily situations without running away. There are days when i feel so down that the only way for me is to go down on my kneels and pray. Many times I dont know what I'm praying for or even if it works. I jsut keep praying because ,even if theoratically ,it helps to know that someone actually listens and takes care of me. Other times I would feel so hyper and happy as if I won a lottery. I read once that it's not the purpose of recovery to feel good but rather face whetever feelings we are having.

Recovery is hard but it's still easier than putting myself in bad situations expecting a miracle to help me out. You see, I was addicted to drama more than to drugs. I feel that when using I attract chaous like a magnet. Today, as hard as it can get , I'm sure that it's still easier than waking up the next day wondering what did I do while high.

[ChillyBones]

Yeah I guess the key is keeping busy as an empty mind is the devils workshop. The hole that is left behind is a pretty big one isn't it!

There seems to be so many more hours in the day when sober, Im gonna start to read the bible as I asked a certain someone up there into my life and now I feel a little stronger.


Thankyou for this post as I have found it very helpful

CB

[Vintersemestre]

As long as you feel that way because you want to then it's fine, you're just more strict than I would be. I have to treat myself very kindly.

[Missybuns]

welcome back jane!!

[jane_668]

It seems what I'm doing is working so far. I am passing through some hard times with my family. It was impossible for me to deal with this before without using but here I am clean. I'm glad I'm hanging in. For the first time, I feel that using wasnot even an option for me.It would only further complicate the situation. I tried to remain calm and not act on impulse. That was the hardest part for me. It is very easy for me to lose my temper and then complicate things even further. My AA friends helped me a lot. They kept telling me to stay calm and accept people as they are. I feel I'm somehow developing a healthy approach to solving problems. I'm trying to detach myself from stressful situations. They say whatever doesnot kill only makes you stronger. So now I feel more confident and that I can stay clean and sober in difficult situations. I didnot believe that was even possible before.