Help, GF relapsed bad! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

woog · 11-04-2009, 02:37 PM

So my GF, was 6 weeks sober off of OXY/methadone. She's relapsed hard. She went to SF for a week, comes back looking sick, lost weight, track marks in both arms. I coaxed her home and brought her to her moms. Her mom has issues of her own but, has promised me to do whatever it takes. Rehab, meetings, doctor, anything. I sort of told my GF we're on a break until she can straighten herself out. I don't think that quite had the effect I was hoping for. I guess I'm looking for advice. Maybe if another addict could talk to her?? She's a mess right now. Any advice is better than nothing. Thanks.

krisgrace · 11-04-2009, 03:56 PM

She has to want to quit for herself....you cant make her do anything she doesnt want to do. Sorry.

tbeit · 11-04-2009, 05:14 PM

You have a choice you can stay and try to help her get sober or you can run and not look back.You gave her an ultimatum and she didnt respond the way you had hoped.You didnt say how long you are together but it sounds like she has some soul searching to do.You cant get her well and ultimatums NEVER work.You should go to a alanon or naranon meeting there is a friends and family section here you could start there.Good luck

windysan · 11-04-2009, 05:36 PM

Keep yourself off the dopes. You've done what you can for her. Don't let her pull you back in.

good luck

woog · 11-05-2009, 12:52 AM

yeah. that's pretty much what I figured. We were together for almost two years, but I can't go through that with her, or anybody, again. Ever. I sure hope her rock bottom is sooner than later. Peace.

change4penny · 11-05-2009, 06:42 AM

I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 13 months clean. Had I gotten help when my husband and family wanted me to, I'd have YEARS of clean time. All the threats my husband made about leaving me, calling the police on me, (which he did one time) never had an impact big enough on me to want to quit...if anything, I'd use more.
My point is this....You cannot make her want to quit, she has to want to be clean.
Everyone has to hit their own 'bottom'...I know I did. Hopefully, her 'bottom' won't end in death.
You cannot will her to stop. You just have to set your own limits and take care of yourself. Do not enable her.

Good luck and God Bless,

Penny

windysan · 11-05-2009, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vintersemestre

Yep, abandon people due to their drug use, that's the Christian thing to do. Report her to the police too.

I ain't saying abandon her. He's done what he can to help. Worked with her parents and lined up some rehab help. She's gotta want it. I had to avoid feral people early in the game or else I'd have got the mange too.

incitingsilence · 11-05-2009, 07:05 AM

Any advice…

Love her as she is and accept her as she is and know that what is today doesn’t set tomorrow.

Detach as you need to for you but understand that how she chooses to live is her right and how you choose to react is your own insanity.

See her as capable, able to save herself.
Believe in her always.

Try not to help, meaning don’t do anything for her she is most capable of doing herself. Do not cover for her, lie for her or support her habit with cash…

Read up on enabling and how it is so much a part of the problem, not the solution.

Check your motives always.

Be human, meaning you can love her, you can see her, you can hug her but don’t attach conditions to anything. Ultimatums are sick, cutting off I find sick as well unless there is abuse involved. Remove the addiction, see the person and know most definitely that there are some really good hearted people in this world, and some evil f*cks and some just happen to be addicts.

CrackQuack · 11-05-2009, 11:09 AM

I'd say run for the hills, but you've got years unedr your belts, together. You cannot just up and leave and be done with it. It is easier SAID than DONE at this point. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with incitingsilence says. Wow. SO eloquently well put.
And GO to our friends and families forum. LOTS of people have been through what you have been through.
It's a helluva ride with us addicts. I still tend to go "addict" on friends now and then, paranoid side eeks out and I drive them up a wall...And I am 9 months clean.
I agree about ultimatums don't work. An active addict, who does care for you, MAY say anything YOU want to hear. But never mean it. There is no point. Until she is ready to quit, you're in for a bumpy ride.
Friends and loved ones threatened to turn me in, kick me out, and my second husband even got me put on supervised visits with our son. I didn't care. I was in active addiction. I looked at it like this "Well, I still get to see my son AND smoke crack! ALRIGHT!" F***ed up way of thinking.. I KNOW.

windysan · 11-05-2009, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sailorjohn

You'll have to explain to me how one 'helps' another to get sober. I've been trying that-finally gave it up-for the last 3 years and I didn't have much luck.

Would really-I'm being very serious here-like some input based on your experience.

a friend helped me out in that way. he talked to me and talked to me and finally i figured i better do something for myself.

no god. no higher power. just a decision i made. call it my "will power" or whatever. behavior modification. and my friend helped me along my merry way.

that is all.

carrion

Daisy09 · 11-06-2009, 05:47 AM

Hi Woog,

This is an issue that I've struggled with. A quick bit of background: my husband is recovering from a heroin/cocaine addiction. When I first arrived at SR, I received a lot of advice of the "run far and fast" variety. The people giving the advice were doing so from a good place - each of them had been hurt, in many ways, by a loved one's addiction. However, I have been with my husband for 16 years. We have two young children, and we love each other very much. Over the years we have been through many struggles together, good and bad, and my heart told me that my place was at his side, helping him through this struggle as we have helped each other through many other difficulties before. Only you can decide for you what the right path to take is. In some instances, the damage caused to the relationship may be irrepairable, and unfortunately you have the added challenge of being in the midst of your own battle against addiction.

I'm not a terribly good advice-giver, but here's my best attempt: as IncitingSilence said, be careful of the difference between supporting recovery and enabling using. And continue living your life, without letting her issues be the center of it. Be there for her to listen when she needs you to, and to talk when she needs you to. I agree with the others, ulitmatums don't work. My husband has told me that he had wanted to get clean so as not to lose all that he has, meaning me and our children. He realized it was in jeopardy and has fought hard so that we can stay together as a whole family. Is this getting clean for himself, or someone else? I view it as getting clean for himself, as he saw himself losing the most precious people in his life, our babies, and he did not want that to happen.

Sorry, I tend to ramble and get a bit off topic, but I hope that at least some of what I've said is helpful to you. Corny and cliched as it sounds, trust your heart, Woog, and do what feels right to you.

Peace and health to you and your girlfriend,
Daisy

PS We have 3 months+ clean time now

**Dee74** · 11-06-2009, 12:35 PM

I removed several posts in this thread due to complaints from other members.

Please remember we're meant to be here to help the original poster...not to bicker amongst ourselves, and especially not to waffle off into irrelevant off-topic asides.

D

woog · 11-12-2009, 01:42 AM

Hey guys, thanks for all the support. I'm not entirely ignorant, I've spoken to a lot of specialists/counselers/therapists/doctors/this forum. I've read a couple of books on it as well. I'm not saying you don't know more than me. I'm just saying I'm not as ignorant as I might be coming off. It wasn't so much an ultimatum as it was "I told you if you ever relapsed bad the only way I could stay with you is if you put your self through rehab." She wrote me an email saying "I want you back, whatever it takes." I guess I'll find out how serious she is tomorrow. I'm almost scared to see what she looks like now...I understand being there for her, taking it a day at a time, treating her like a person but...Well I'm about to go "off" and ramble. So i'll leave it at that. I'll let you know what happens. At least she's not dead!!! Peace.

woog · 11-12-2009, 09:31 PM

HOLY ****...That's an understatement. We met up, she came back to my place...Everythings ok and then...She had a total break down...She tried to slit her wrists, I grabbed the knife...Then she locked herself in the bathroom with a knife, so I called the cops and they arrested her and brought her to the hospital for a psyche evaluation. I am running for the hills!! FU drugs!!!

Cherybaby66 · 11-12-2009, 10:36 PM

Keep yourself safe, woog. It sounds like you are in a really bad situation with her. She needs to fight this battle with the help of experts, no matter how well intentioned you are. Hopefully, the psych eval will show her unstable and she will have to do a little time in a facility. They'll ease her through her withdrawals and give her comfort measures. In the meantime, distancing yourself from her toxic situation is probably for the best. The whole knife thing is scary. You can't be around that and feel safe.

woog · 11-13-2009, 01:47 AM

I made it to the hills and I'm not coming down...FU drugs. She used to be a beautiful person...

11-04-2009, 02:37 PM	#1 (permalink)
woog Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Mill valley, ca Posts: 31	Help, GF relapsed bad! So my GF, was 6 weeks sober off of OXY/methadone. She's relapsed hard. She went to SF for a week, comes back looking sick, lost weight, track marks in both arms. I coaxed her home and brought her to her moms. Her mom has issues of her own but, has promised me to do whatever it takes. Rehab, meetings, doctor, anything. I sort of told my GF we're on a break until she can straighten herself out. I don't think that quite had the effect I was hoping for. I guess I'm looking for advice. Maybe if another addict could talk to her?? She's a mess right now. Any advice is better than nothing. Thanks.

11-04-2009, 05:36 PM	#4 (permalink)
windysan Big Idiot Man Child Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 5,774	Keep yourself off the dopes. You've done what you can for her. Don't let her pull you back in. good luck __________________ ZigZaggin through Weirdland

11-05-2009, 06:42 AM	#6 (permalink)
change4penny Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Midland, NC Posts: 1,266	I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 13 months clean. Had I gotten help when my husband and family wanted me to, I'd have YEARS of clean time. All the threats my husband made about leaving me, calling the police on me, (which he did one time) never had an impact big enough on me to want to quit...if anything, I'd use more. My point is this....You cannot make her want to quit, she has to want to be clean. Everyone has to hit their own 'bottom'...I know I did. Hopefully, her 'bottom' won't end in death. You cannot will her to stop. You just have to set your own limits and take care of yourself. Do not enable her. Good luck and God Bless, Penny __________________ *"Through many dangers, toils, and snares...We have already come. Twas Grace that brought us safe thus far...And Grace will lead us home."-Amazing Grace*

11-05-2009, 07:05 AM	#8 (permalink)
incitingsilence Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 102 Blog Entries: 1	Any advice… Love her as she is and accept her as she is and know that what is today doesn’t set tomorrow. Detach as you need to for you but understand that how she chooses to live is her right and how you choose to react is your own insanity. See her as capable, able to save herself. Believe in her always. Try not to help, meaning don’t do anything for her she is most capable of doing herself. Do not cover for her, lie for her or support her habit with cash… Read up on enabling and how it is so much a part of the problem, not the solution. Check your motives always. Be human, meaning you can love her, you can see her, you can hug her but don’t attach conditions to anything. Ultimatums are sick, cutting off I find sick as well unless there is abuse involved. Remove the addiction, see the person and know most definitely that there are some really good hearted people in this world, and some evil f*cks and some just happen to be addicts. __________________ That is all it will take, one minute. Your eyes will open all too widely as you realize the sky didn’t just fall, but had been crumbling steadily all along. That what was under your feet were the stagnant remnants of disregarded chances.

11-05-2009, 11:09 AM	#9 (permalink)
CrackQuack Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Dayton, OH. Posts: 879 Blog Entries: 7	I'd say run for the hills, but you've got years unedr your belts, together. You cannot just up and leave and be done with it. It is easier SAID than DONE at this point. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with incitingsilence says. Wow. SO eloquently well put. And GO to our friends and families forum. LOTS of people have been through what you have been through. It's a helluva ride with us addicts. I still tend to go "addict" on friends now and then, paranoid side eeks out and I drive them up a wall...And I am 9 months clean. I agree about ultimatums don't work. An active addict, who does care for you, MAY say anything YOU want to hear. But never mean it. There is no point. Until she is ready to quit, you're in for a bumpy ride. Friends and loved ones threatened to turn me in, kick me out, and my second husband even got me put on supervised visits with our son. I didn't care. I was in active addiction. I looked at it like this "Well, I still get to see my son AND smoke crack! ALRIGHT!" F***ed up way of thinking.. I KNOW. __________________ "You can't quit until you try, you can't live until you die, you can't learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie." "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad."

11-04-2009, 03:56 PM	#2 (permalink)
krisgrace On The Road to Recovery! Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Louisiana Posts: 191	She has to want to quit for herself....you cant make her do anything she doesnt want to do. Sorry.

11-04-2009, 05:14 PM	#3 (permalink)
tbeit Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: New York Posts: 370	You have a choice you can stay and try to help her get sober or you can run and not look back.You gave her an ultimatum and she didnt respond the way you had hoped.You didnt say how long you are together but it sounds like she has some soul searching to do.You cant get her well and ultimatums NEVER work.You should go to a alanon or naranon meeting there is a friends and family section here you could start there.Good luck

11-05-2009, 12:52 AM	#5 (permalink)
woog Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Mill valley, ca Posts: 31	yeah. that's pretty much what I figured. We were together for almost two years, but I can't go through that with her, or anybody, again. Ever. I sure hope her rock bottom is sooner than later. Peace.

11-06-2009, 05:47 AM	#11 (permalink)
Daisy09 Optimist Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 433	Hi Woog, This is an issue that I've struggled with. A quick bit of background: my husband is recovering from a heroin/cocaine addiction. When I first arrived at SR, I received a lot of advice of the "run far and fast" variety. The people giving the advice were doing so from a good place - each of them had been hurt, in many ways, by a loved one's addiction. However, I have been with my husband for 16 years. We have two young children, and we love each other very much. Over the years we have been through many struggles together, good and bad, and my heart told me that my place was at his side, helping him through this struggle as we have helped each other through many other difficulties before. Only you can decide for you what the right path to take is. In some instances, the damage caused to the relationship may be irrepairable, and unfortunately you have the added challenge of being in the midst of your own battle against addiction. I'm not a terribly good advice-giver, but here's my best attempt: as IncitingSilence said, be careful of the difference between supporting recovery and enabling using. And continue living your life, without letting her issues be the center of it. Be there for her to listen when she needs you to, and to talk when she needs you to. I agree with the others, ulitmatums don't work. My husband has told me that he had wanted to get clean so as not to lose all that he has, meaning me and our children. He realized it was in jeopardy and has fought hard so that we can stay together as a whole family. Is this getting clean for himself, or someone else? I view it as getting clean for himself, as he saw himself losing the most precious people in his life, our babies, and he did not want that to happen. Sorry, I tend to ramble and get a bit off topic, but I hope that at least some of what I've said is helpful to you. Corny and cliched as it sounds, trust your heart, Woog, and do what feels right to you. Peace and health to you and your girlfriend, Daisy PS We have 3 months+ clean time now __________________ Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw A hundred billion bottles, washed up on the shore Seems I'm not alone at being alone A hundred billion castaways, looking for a home. ~The Police, Message in a Bottle Last edited by Daisy09; 11-06-2009 at 06:14 AM. Reason: Forgot something :)

11-06-2009, 12:35 PM	#12 (permalink)
Dee74 SR Moderator Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas Posts: 42,350	I removed several posts in this thread due to complaints from other members. Please remember we're meant to be here to help the original poster...not to bicker amongst ourselves, and especially not to waffle off into irrelevant off-topic asides. D __________________ “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be”Lao Tzu

11-12-2009, 01:42 AM	#13 (permalink)
woog Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Mill valley, ca Posts: 31	Hey guys, thanks for all the support. I'm not entirely ignorant, I've spoken to a lot of specialists/counselers/therapists/doctors/this forum. I've read a couple of books on it as well. I'm not saying you don't know more than me. I'm just saying I'm not as ignorant as I might be coming off. It wasn't so much an ultimatum as it was "I told you if you ever relapsed bad the only way I could stay with you is if you put your self through rehab." She wrote me an email saying "I want you back, whatever it takes." I guess I'll find out how serious she is tomorrow. I'm almost scared to see what she looks like now...I understand being there for her, taking it a day at a time, treating her like a person but...Well I'm about to go "off" and ramble. So i'll leave it at that. I'll let you know what happens. At least she's not dead!!! Peace.

11-12-2009, 09:31 PM	#14 (permalink)
woog Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Mill valley, ca Posts: 31	HOLY ****...That's an understatement. We met up, she came back to my place...Everythings ok and then...She had a total break down...She tried to slit her wrists, I grabbed the knife...Then she locked herself in the bathroom with a knife, so I called the cops and they arrested her and brought her to the hospital for a psyche evaluation. I am running for the hills!! FU drugs!!!

11-12-2009, 10:36 PM	#15 (permalink)
Cherybaby66 crazy vampire addict Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: just north of hell. Posts: 427	Keep yourself safe, woog. It sounds like you are in a really bad situation with her. She needs to fight this battle with the help of experts, no matter how well intentioned you are. Hopefully, the psych eval will show her unstable and she will have to do a little time in a facility. They'll ease her through her withdrawals and give her comfort measures. In the meantime, distancing yourself from her toxic situation is probably for the best. The whole knife thing is scary. You can't be around that and feel safe. __________________ blackbird singing in the dead of night... take these broken wings and learn to fly. all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive. ~ The Beatles

11-13-2009, 01:47 AM	#16 (permalink)
woog Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Mill valley, ca Posts: 31	I made it to the hills and I'm not coming down...FU drugs. She used to be a beautiful person...

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