I think I have a new addiction, and it's a sick one.

[Cleansing]

Sorry this is long and a little odd. I'm just really bothered by my behavior fresh out of rehab. You can skim through this post and get the gist of things.

It's my medication, I don't feel normal unless I'm on the highest dosage. And Im constantly thinking about getting more, even though that might not be the answer.

I recently came out of Rehab (did detox before it) for heroin, coke, and alcohol. I've been out five days so far, but only been to two meetings (YIKES!!!!)

I'm making this thread because I would like your opinions on my situation. I know you can't give out any medical advice, but could you please tell me if you been on these meds before, and what dosages work for you? Any tips for battling depression/anxiety without relying on psych meds?

I've been feeling real nervous since getting out of rehab. I'm worried about the relapse and how devastating it will be to me and my family, especially after getting some real good help. I'm able to go outside, but I get so nervous, it's to the point where i feel like collapsing when there's too many people around, and I sweat and shake a lot. I went to the hospital, and they gave a 2 week prescription for buspar. I had to embellish a little bit, and told them I had a panic attack yesterday and today.

Now I'm also on
Effexor XR 225mg
Lithium ER 450 (twice a day)
Zyprexa 5mg (3 times a day)
Metoprolol 50mg (twice a day)

Now I lied because I really wanted something for my anxiety, and felt that my kind of anxiety wasn't bad enough, but I couldn't have peice of mind knowing i wasn't on anything for anxiety.

I haven't even started the buspar yet (5mg 3X a day), however im already thinking of upping the dosage to 7.5mg, because 5mg just seem too small.

For the first time in almost 4 years, I can say I'm not depressed, yet for some reason I want to increase my Effexor XR.

It just bugs me that im not getting the best treatment. In my head, smaller dosages = low quality treatment.

But at the same time I know that everbody's mind works differently, and so these dosages may be all right.


The problem is that I'll fall into the trap too much, and then i won't feel fine unless I have the "right" dosage.

But looking at my meds, I take metoprolol for hypertension, and it also stops the heart from racing. Then I got the Effexor which is for depression, but also deals with anxiety. The zyprexa helps me stay calm too, though the more i smoke, the lower the zyprerxa levels get.

I just feel like all the meds im taking are fine, but i create this anxiety, frustation, and low mood by thinking things aren't right.

i really hope I made sense because i'm really worried now. I don't see the psychiatrist for two weeks, and I don't to go these two weeks thinking that none of these meds are working.

I guess I just need some suggestions, and maybe encouragement. Like going to meetings, excercising, and meditating would be of great help. The meds won't be there forever (it would be nice to get off them), but I just have this dependance on them for now, and would like to get as much as possible.

[kj3880]

It all sounds like normal addict behavior to me. We are always trying to fill that yawning hole we feel inside ourselves...with drugs, meds, relationships, whatever we think might work. And it doesn't work, really. In the long run, none of it works until we start working on ourselves. That big emptiness inside...is a lack of a higher power when you get right down to it.

The bad news is it's going to take work and time to feel better. The good news is, you can start right now, and you don't have to do it alone. There are thousands of us out here who felt just as you do when we came to recovery.

Meetings help a lot. Especially in the beginning. Meetings are like medicine for those bad burning feelings of emptiness, depression, loneliness, nervousness, and the panic it all brings when we don't have drugs to dumb it down enough. So get to as many meetings as you can right now. I'd do three a day if I could when I feel like this.

You need to start journalling your feelings...get it all down, here if you want.

Start getting some numbers at meetings so you have some people to call when you get upset.

Your meds...there is never enough...that's part of being an addict. Just put it on a 5 minute basis if you need to for now...just for five minutes, don't take the meds unless it is really time, according to what the doctor has prescribed. Then start another five minutes. And build it up, an hour at a time, until you have a day of medical compliance.

Do you have a basic text? If you don't, you can google it on line. It can be very comforting to read a bit of the literature if you can't get anyone on the phone for a while.

As far as excercising, if it helps you, then do it. I haven't been physically healthy enough in recovery to really excercise, but if you can do it, it is very good for nerves. Especially walking.

Meditating or praying can also be really great for relaxation and to connect with your spritituality. Some people also like to go to services during times of crisis.

If all else fails, go back to the ER and tell them you are panicking. You always have that option if the meds fail to keep you feeling safe.

And we are always here, and ready to listen, and we care. Keep us posted!

Love,
KJ

[allport]

Cleansing it is good to see you again and I am so glad you did rehab

[allport]

For what it is worth I was on both Effexor and Buspar at the same dosages as you are taking and I was told by my Psych that that is the maximum dose, any more and the usefulness of the drugs is outweighed by side effects.

However all I can suggest is that you tell your Dr honestly how you are feeling, either the drugs you are taking are not the right ones or they are at the wrong dose, sometimes less is more when it comes to medication.

Try not to mess about with self medicating hun sometimes we think of anti depressants as "soft" drugs i e ones without much danger but they can mess you up if you abuse them.

[Vintersemestre]

With psych meds it's not the lowest or highest possible dose that you want to achieve, you want to take the dose that provides the greatest benefit with least amount of negative side-effects. I could not take more than 112.5mg of Effexor XR or I became literally lobotomized whereas some people take 300mg and it barely effects them.

[ashleek]

Hi there!

I am on busbar and lamictal (for moodswings/bipolar). I am on 15mg of busbar and it goes all the way to 30mg. The doctor says I should take it twice a day but I have to take a half of one four times a day to control the anxiety I have delt with my whole life and now worse that I am not drug induced.

The Lamictal helps me so much. I have been on Wellbutrin, Effexor and all the other psych meds just about and I feel the same way you do and I was thinking it is my addiction telling me I need more just because I always took more pills to get high, so the more the better. That was just my addict thinking.

Lamictal I am only on 100mg and before I took 200mg. So I sometimes feel I need more, maybe I do but I am better now but not as good as I want to be. See, with addiction I am also impatient and want everything right now. I am only40 days clean today. I want to rush everything sometimes, that's just how addicts are from my understanding. We want what we want when we want it.

I hope this was helpful, you can PM me if you would like.

[totfit]

I think it is a typical more is better conditioned response. If you look at society, it is not just drug addicts that have this problem. More food, more money, more everything. It takes some time to get over the notion that more is not equal to better. Unfortunately, it seems to take more time and work to make our situations better and to overcome our conditioned responses. It doesn't take any time at all to make things a hell of a lot worse. All we have to do is start drinking or using again. Hang in there and just resist the urge to take more. Remember that this is a lie your brain continues to tell you. More is not better.

[soulsurvivor]

its my understanding that meds arent supposed to NUMB you out... their purpose is to lower you symptoms of depression, anxiety,ect.. to a level you can deal with.. YOU have to do the work to cope and manage them.. If their purpose was to do everything for you.. thats not recovery.. thats another dependancy..
this is the point at which you should perhaps be actively participating in therapy or CBT.. or help you cope/manage your feelings..
medications are not the cure....
sending you strength...

[emmer]

Read again what kj3880 wrote and then read it again and again.

>It all sounds like normal addict behavior to me. We are always trying to fill that yawning hole we feel inside ourselves...with drugs, meds, relationships, whatever we think might work. And it doesn't work, really. In the long run, none of it works until we start working on ourselves. That big emptiness inside...is a lack of a higher power when you get right down to it.


I've found that people who have finally had enough, get clean despite cravings, running into dealers, depression, anxiety and so on.

They'd crawl to a meeting on their hands and knees on broken glass, if they had too.
They pray and pray that they would never live that life again.

These people, are VERY gratefull to be clean. It's these people I listen carefully too.

[windysan]

I was on 3 of those and I just couldn't handle em. I quit taking everything and I got better. Of course this was done based on the doctor's advice.

[Vintersemestre]

I hear that, If I had done what that psychiatrist had wanted me to I'd be a mess today.

[krissypissy]

hi there--one thing to keep in mind when it comes to new/induction of medications/re-starting is that many need to be slowly titrated and sometimes those increases can seem incredibly SLLLLOOOOOW. as someone who has been on nearly every mood/depression/bipolar medication from A to Z, it can be really frustrating to be patient, esp. when you want and NEED to feel better NOW. just hang in there and keep in mind that there may be a very good reason you are starting off slow and low in regard to your dosing...take care-

[change4penny]

When I was fresh out of rehab for opiate/cocaine addiction, my hands shook constantly. Honestly, I felt like a fish out of water....I did not feel normal and was terrified of relapse.
My addiction doctor put me on Trazadone. It's a antidepressant that is mainly used for insomnia and high anxiety. It took about a month, but this medicine has helped me tremendously. I'm sleeping better and I'm less nervous. It has benefited me a lot.
Either way, your feelings right now are normal. Hang in there...it will get better. Focus on the importance of your sobriety...everything else will follow.

Penny

[Cleansing]

Thanx, gotta read all this stuff again.

[Cleansing]

Thank you guys so mcuh for reading all of that and taking the time to write full responses.
Hello allport! I miss you and the chatroom guys. Hope to talk to you soon.


OK! I have one more long one for you guys.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

The way things are looking right now, I can tell my doctor anything, and get whatever I want. He has no idea I'm an addict, and has no idea what meds I was on before (except for what I tell him).

I think that whatever I decide to do has to be done without the desire to reach some type of high or some kind of false hapiness. In the past, I've been put on antidepressants that made me feel estactic, almost euphoric. The problem is that once life got hard again, I was unable to cope with those situations in the right way. The meds can't make everything better, and when those instances occured, I was right back to using. What I should focus on is getting good CBT help.

I'm in the situation now where I am going to see a psychiatrist for the first time, and I can basically tell him that I'm on the highest dosage of whatever medication I'm on. See but that would be a lie. I would have to be manipulative and deceitful, two attributes which only come out when I'm acting like an active addict. I have to make sure whatever I ask for is so that my symptoms are arrested, and nothing else.

Technically, I'm doing pretty good. All I need are refills. I really don't think I need any adjustments. I'm pretty alert, I'm dealing with stress in a good way, I'm making more meetings and stepping out my isolation box more by making phone calls.

My only problem is that I have poor concetration skills, I am moody, I can't sleep at night (and i use no stimulants and basically no caffeine).

i was thinking of telling the doctor that I need a refill of 300mg of Effexor XR, but I doubt I need that. It's just the addict in me always wanting more. My real dosage is 225mg, and apparently that's typically the highest dose. 300mg or more is for people in a closed setting like a psych ward. I don't need to be ain a psych ward, so I shouldn't need anything above 225mg. I think the addict in me is hoping that 300 mg will take me over the line, and have me feeling elated just to wake up in the morning and take a leak. If I were that way already, that would be great. But it isn't right to deceive the doctor into giving me a real high dose just to (hopefully) reach some kind of mild euphoric push everyday. That's taking things beyond thereaputic status and heading into relapse.

Things might not even turn out that way. For example, I was went on the highest dose of Wellbutrin, and I was too hyped. So lying about my meds to get more can have an adverse affect. I should just stick with what I have so far. All the dosages I'm currently taking are rather new anywqaz. I know 225mg Effexor XR is working ok for now, so why go up?

The next issue at hand is the Buspar. Now I'm thinking, I'm only on 5mg (the lowest dose), there's no way that me, an addict, could be treated with the lowest dose of anything. I need more! But the reality is that these pills, even at the lowest dose, make me drowsy during the day. Maybe, if anything, I need to take away the afternoon dose. It's only been about a week since i've been on them, I'm hoping the drowsiness goes away, and that I feel the full effect soon. I read in other threads where several people reported a drowsy effect from Buspar. I don't really need to increase my Buspar levels.

The Lithium is fine. Zyprexa is also fine.

I 'm just worried about this so much. I do tend to rely on my meds a lot, that's why I'm so wrapped up in this and typing so much aout it.

I need to get over the obsession, and that's why I made this thread, so that I can talk it out. In some form or another, I think i'll mention this in a meeting soon. Maybe later on today, if I'm ready.

I should add, Trazadone sounds good at the point though. I'm sleeping after 3am everynight and sometimes I have to get up by 6:30am. Been on Trazadone mainly while in detox, Rehab, and psych ward. Never really used it on the outside. Wouldn't mind trying it for a month.

[Threshold]

Are you 12 stepping?

I don't know you, but as I read your posts I see a lot of me in there, and I know me pretty well, so I can address what it means when I start doing what you are doing, and what I have done to address it.

Panic/anxiety...two huge reasons why I used in the first place, and the things that make me most vulnerable to starting. I HATE that panicky feeling, the out of control feeling.

Getting clean is a good start, but to stay clean I need to address the things that make me use. Self medicating, with anything, and not being accountable to people who I have chosen appropriately to put my trust in, are serious breaches of my recovery program. My psych drs are people I chose to help me...so if I snow them (and yes, I have), basically I AM using again.

There are no excuses for my dishonesty.

If I need assistance with anxiety, I have people on my team to help me address this. I am NOT qualified, on my own, proven by my own past behavior, to self medicate.

Simple plain old ugly truth. No excuses.

It is so hard to give up control, to be patient, to work with a team, to not get results yesterday, to not assure myself and everyone else that I know best. So so hard.

If you want to be clean and stay clean then work the program, and if that includes being accountable and honest, do it. That's the bottom line. These people are signed on to help you, you admitted that you couldn't do it yourself, so now make appropriate use of their expertise.

Recovery doesn't mean we will feel good all the time, and I freak out because I am terrified of what I might do if I start feeling bad...so terrified that I start to rush around blindly making stupid self defeating choices and justifying them left and right.

But the truth is...as unpleasant as the panic is..it won't kill me. using will. I can ride out the panic, find safe/sane coping mechanisms and develop life skills so that the panics are few and far between. I can do that, or I can use and that WILL kill me.

I choose life, which means that when I start to freak, I pledge to slow down, breath, pull out my recovery journal, read my plan, and stick to it...no matter what.

I defer to the program, because in a saner moment, I realized it is the only way to stay alive. I have pledged to let my saner me, a sober me make the decisions. I gave it "power of attorney" in my life...and now, when I freak, I have to step back and let the program take the lead. Scary as hell...except as I do that...I see what better results I get.

No self medicating. Use my recovery team wisely and honestly. Get support and input from people outside myself that I know I can trust. Be accountable. Journal. Meditate. Talk to others.

no fudging, cheating, lying, assuming I know better, etc.

The best gift I give myself is to work my program daily, record the best sober thoughts and ideas I have in my recovery journal and then use that journal when things get sticky.

I write the journal myself, when I am sober and sane (and only then) I journal all the time. but only the best sober and sane thoughts get copied into my recovery journal. then.when I am freaking, I have MY OWN best personal plan to turn to, that I know has my own best interest at heart, that I can trust.

This is me, saving my own ass over and over and over again.

NO MORE LIES.

NO MORE LYING TO DR's

NO MORE LYING TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPORTING ME

I've had a rough couple of days, but I haven't used...I'm on some of the same meds as you, or have been in the past.

be accountable to your dr's about the meds

[kj3880]

If you want to know the truth, those highs never last. If you get the doc to give you enough meds to feel high, you'll just eventually get used to that level of meds, and you'll numb out on that, too. It's a losing battle. The drugs eventually stop getting you high every time. You aren't meant to feel on top of the world every live-long day. But you can feel consistently serene and peaceful, and happy much of the time if you work a 12-step program of recovery. It was the only thing that helped me feel better. I still take meds for clinical depression, but I don't abuse them. They don't get me high, just help me be functional.

Love,
KJ