ExhaustedA

About a year and a half ago my bf accepted his buddies coke dealing business(because he was getting in his own supply too much). I wasnt ok with it, but I lived with him, and we had been together 2 years at that point. He said it would be only temporary. Here we are a year and a half later...I moved to his city to be with him and build a life together. We used to do so many things, so active, date nights, movies, deep conversations. We had a lot of problems but I loved him so much and I believed him when he said I was the best girlfriend he ever had. Now he fell out of doing everything and looks like crap.
Since last summer, a huge change occurred in him. He started just being gone at nights, come home late, wasted (he's an alcoholic). Then during the day, then the mornings. His whole life was consumed with dealing drugs at bars and running to meet clients, and getting heavier in drinking. What I didn't realize was he was in his own supply...a lot! He became so mean and aggressive, and that provoked me. I would scream, yell, break thinks, demanding him to come home or go track him down at the bars. I was so angry. By the fall I found out he started messing with a 19 year old while he was out. I confronted her, she lied, and till this day she never walked away. He lies to us both. I'm the one he's been with for 3.5 years, who I'd she to think she can fill my spot??? He Slept with her for months. Kicked me out two months ago because he said all i do is yell and fight with him. He said he is sorry, but I know he's not. I've lost 20 lbs, started therapy two months ago, lost joy in all things, cry, severely depressed, rage, blow up his phone and attack him with text. I can't seem to control my emotions. I feel like he destroyed me and our relationship. He said he wants to get better, I'm his soulmate, he can't be with me right now...but he can be with her??? He is 39 years old! His family doesn't agree with what he's doing but enables him. His childhood really messed him up, he hates his mom and tells me I'm just like her, which I'd not fair because I didn't abandon him, and I'm not a drunk. but that can not excuse how he had treated me. Lying, cheating, abuse, kicking me out, replacing me with a kid. I feel so used, so worthless. I did everything for him!
It's like he won. Got rid of me, got a new girl who doesn't care I'm a human being and she stuck around, gets to keep dealing and using and lying to me. But here's the thing. We get into fights still, but he still calls and texts afterwards. Says he wants to get better. Still sleeps with me every couple of weeks. Gives me money. Tells me he loves me but can't be with me(i never asked to get back together) I just want him to recover before it gets any worse. I tried no contact, lasts two days, he blows me up. I go out at night, he blows me up asking why I haven't gone home. Gets upset and tells me to leave him alone. We are so dysfunctional. I'm obsessed on him and the ***** he is sleeping with. I'm angry, very angry. He wants me to give him my cats because I had to quickly find a room to rent and basically have no where to go accept my mom's in a few weeks from now that lives four hours away and is allergic to cats. He keeps telling me he will take care of them. Sounds life another form of attachment. He asked if he could come visit me at my mom's too. It's like he still getting everything because I love him so much and have no boundaries. I need help, I don't understand addicts or their behavior. I'm told lying and cheating are common. Why won't he let me go? He kicked me out, I'm moving away, what else does he want??? I'm so so so sad.

finaltime

sounds like the move will be good for you. You are doing the right thing by moving away and yes you know none of this is right. My dad always said, 'the healthy one can walk away' while it seems like the end of the world it is not. This will pass. One day at a time. Look up a local alanon meeting and go, this will help you and help you to meet other people in your new town. Hang in there, I promise it will get better. When you are younger these things seem like the end of the world and consume your whole mind and energy, best thing you can do is find a new life for yourself. Don't look back. Trust me on this. You deserve so much more than what he can give you. You really want a life with someone like that? Your self worth is what matters. Get away, go with your mom, start fresh. Find a new home for your cats for a while, don't have any attachment with him. He is wanting you still in his life because he is has huge issues and can turn them on you and this other girl instead of focusing on him. Its all bad. Move. Hang in there.

OpioPhobe

ExhaustedA - with regard to your question about 'common' addict behaviors, I agree that lying is almost universal. I was definitely guilty of lying about my using. That being said, I didn't start lying about everything in my life. It was generally confined to lying about using or lying about where I was when I was getting drugs, etc. I didn't start lying in business transactions or other aspects of my life unrelated to addiction though. Don't get me wrong, I am sure I lied at some point about things other than using (no one is perfect), but it wasn't like I became an untrustworthy liar who couldn't be trusted with anything.

The cheating thing is something that I don't see as being related to addiction. There are a lot of stories I have read about on here where it happened, but of all the addicts I know in real life none of them cheated on their wives. Maybe it was because all the addicts I know closely in real life are opiate addicts (not good for the old sex drive). Some folks believe that those sorts of activities are because the addict isn't in their right mind, etc. I disagree. Any bad things I did when using was something I chose to do with full knowledge that it was wrong. It wasn't like some alien took my mind over, and I had no inkling of what was right or wrong. Maybe I would have a different opinion if I had been using something that clearly impairs my judgment in a powerful way (e.g. alcohol).

I get that you are pissed...really pissed. The thing is that the only way that he will 'win' is if you let him by continuing to hate him. Every day that you spend pissed off at him, and thinking about him is another day of your life wasted. Despite first appearances, I think forgiveness benefits the person that is forgiving much more than the person receiving forgiveness. I don't see how you ever get complete freedom from him without forgiving him at some point.

The other thing I would say is that you don't have to lift a finger to screw things up for him. Having a serious addiction is an absolutely miserable way to live. At times, addicts can fool themselves and even other folks by making it look like fun and games. Eventually, the fun/party is over, and the pain comes on. It is extraordinarily difficult to describe just how demoralizing and miserable the life of active addiction becomes. I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone. My point is that there isn't anything you could do to him to make him half as miserable as he will inevitably make himself. If you have moments when you feel resentment towards him because he seems like he is having the time of his life, just remember that it WILL catch up with him. He will get BURNED by the drugs in the end, and it won't be pretty. I have seen a lot of really tough people fight addiction, and everyone eventually gets the **** kicked out of them. The stronger the person is the longer it takes, but it gets everyone eventually. Ironically, it is only after you get your ass completely kicked that you can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

cleaninLI

Well it looks like you know quite a bit about this man's life. That he's a dealer and an addict? That he's been cheating on you. So now that this man has shown you who he is. You need to believe him and not expect he's going to change. You need to make and keep your decisions based on his actions. Actions speak louder than words. Protect yourself and move on with your life.

There is a lot more than just addiction going on in this man's life. He has a lot to sort through and clean up before he can be any good for you or anyone else.

Focus on your life and what you want/need to be happy. I'm glad you are in therapy.

ExhaustedA

Thank you all for your responses. I'm not familiar with coke, it's been in my face for a year and a half and I never felt tempted. While he would be out at the bars dealing, he would be with friends drinking, then would dabble. He has said he did it because it was there. Ive witnessed him shaking and starting at night during sleeping. Then major depression the next day. He said he doesn't want to do it anymore, but again he had proven to have addictive behaviors. Pot, alcohol, coke, now back to exercise. He is a compulsive liar. The cheating is not the first time. Flings he denies, but this girl stuck around and my life has gone to hell. I can't control my emotions. I feel like the addict! Significant weight loss, no pleasure in working out, school grades suffering, need to find another place to live in a matter of weeks.
I sought therapy for my rage fits. The yelling, tracking him down in bars, him not coming home at night till the next am messed up, leaving my jeep I LENT him around town. I'm an emotional physical mess. I did everything for him and he took advantage of it. I gave him too much power. Since our official break up its up and down. Good days is life we are friends again, bad days im flipping out over all the horrible things he has done to me for so long. Then to say im his soul mate and one day he will fight to get me back only makes it harder. I've never loved and hated so much in my life. He had never been this bad. And this girl thinks she's getting a winner cuz he's a drug dealer??!! I had him before all this bs. He has a ton of problems, I wish he would change. I think of him so often and miss him so much, but hate who he is for the last year. We fight so much. If I don't bring things up about her or anything that less to arguments, he is fine with me. Ive gone on a date, he flipped out. Went to a party till 3 am he flipped out. Next day wants me to come over. Seems life we are both sick and can't let go...I'm seeing a dr today, because exercise and therapy aren't enough. My mind is a war zone and I'm losing the battle.

biminiblue

You're not losing the battle. It's just a tough battle.

I can't go back to relationships that are over. Once we break up, I'm done. They are exes for a reason.

It isn't easy to go from Drama-every-minute-adrenaline-high to Thank-God-that's-over. But that's what you're doing. It's an adjustment and feels uncomfortable. I found the longer I stayed absolutely 100% No Contact, the better. Did I want to see him, talk to him, know what he was doing? Yes. I just realized it was keeping me stuck.

I wasn't always this way, but I learned that going back and trying again always ended the same way. Now I don't try that any more. I used to beat myself up and continue to try to go back and make things work. It is too soul-sucking.

I hope you find clarity and peace. All this high-drama is unhealthy.

AnvilheadII

well the moment he said he was going to start selling coke would have been a good time to call it quits. everything that happened after that is just par for the course. it is not at all surprising that he got seriously hooked on the dope. or turned into a real jerk. or slept with pretty young girls willing to do anything for another line.

now today you do not need anymore of that bs, that lifestyle. he has nothing good to offer you. he's too deep in the lifestyle. it sounds like this had a pretty dramatic nasty affect on you as well - and THAT is something you can focus and work out. WITHOUT A STRUNG OUT COKE DEALER CALLING THE SHOTS.

RedManc7

You clearly don't trust him - and rightly so - how can you have love without trust? He sounds like poison, you have intense feelings for him but he sounds like a selfish user from what I can see, speaking as a lad myself. Addiction is addiction - I used drugs since a teenager and always saw myself as an uppers man myself, speed & E's then Coke and E's getting older. I NEVER thought I'd even try heroin let alone become an addict. Yet I tried it aged 33 and became a full blown addict 3 years later. Which made the coke and E years look like a walk in the park. Even though it hurts (love does sadly) you have to stay away & start anew. Hard but better than continued misery. He'll keep the misery coming as well I can promise you.

ExhaustedA

Wow I never knew what to expect when I came in here. I hoped people would respond and give me some clarity, and indeed I got that. Its true it's been very difficult to go from 100% drama on a daily basis to none, maybe that's why I still call and text and blow up at him. He's so tired of fighting with me, but continued to engage in it and allow me to go crazy. It's like I will be fine a few days then literally go out of my mind and flip out. I've never been so angry, I've never walked inside someone's work focused on physically hurting them (the girl who provoked me) taking pix on his bed on his couch, posting them online with snooty comments. She hides from me other wise, good thing. She stole my jeep about 2 months ago because of him, I didn't report it stolen because he had his drugs inside my jeep. I didn't need somehow that to come back to me. I hate her for her lack of woman code, regardless of her age. What 19 year sleeps with a taken 39 year old man if it's not for drugs??!! I'm with holding alot of bad things between me and her and me and him, because I know it's bad and I know I wasn't like this before, and he wasn't either. I just wish I could erase everything. Im tired of my emotions being extremely unbalanced....

Wholesome

I have been in relationships where we had a traumatic bond and we were addicted to the drama and fighting. He who caused the pain would be the only one who could take it away. The make up was the best part. But the intensity of the fight and the explosion of the emotions drew their own appeal. It was exciting and raw and the sex was intense. But it wore me out and I was always compromising myself. We ended in a very dark low place. It's a vicious cycle and one I would never tolerate today.

Today I'm am in the polar opposite of the relationship I just described and I am much happier.

If I were you I'd cut your loses and look forward.

RedManc7

True re the sisterhood thing on one level but this is drugs we talking about - and What 39 man sleeps with a 19 year old? Im 40 got sisters that age people under 21 look like kids to me wouldn't go near anyone under 25 as an absolute minimum. In the coke scene there loads of skint young girls (I mean adults but still kids if you get me, not young as in children!!) who will go out and hang off any guy who will feed them lines of the Devils dandruff all night. Literally. I know 2 women round here who had a 3 some with a lad I know for a gram of coke.

ExhaustedA

I see my dr on Thursday, I really need help for myself because I used all my energy on him, trying to save him, focused on him, that I left nothing for me. I don't take care of myself anymore and it makes me so mad because I obviously don't love myself enough or feel worthy enough. Why else would I have gotten with a guy on the wrong side of the tracks? I should've demanded he not sell. I should've moved out sooner before all this happened. I just set myself up for pain. I thought he was the one, I'm so angry!!!! Ugh! Im so angry at her, Im so angry he let her be so disrespectful to me, Im so angry he was so selfish and hurtful to the one person who always was there for him. He is the one who says he doesn't want a gf, he doesn't want responsibility and wants to do what he wants, doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He got to break up with me....and replace me. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare. Im a good person, I'm clean, I'm sober, I don't hurt people!! 😿

Mango blast

I'm very sorry you're hurting. You do deserve better! Awareness can lead to learning how to heal.

How did your doctor's appt go?

Have you been to any Alanon meetings?


((((Hugs))))