start out-patient program today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
start out-patient program today
Hi,
I was here last year but am back. Here is my background. I am a 30 year old stay at home mom. After my youngest was born I had severe post partum depression. I discovered that the percocet I was prescribed made me feel "happy". Off and on I took it for about 3 years. Over the past 2 years I developed severe pain 21 days out of the week. Last year I became addicted to pain pills. I would tell myself that I could stop anytime I wanted and for a few weeks at a time I would.
Anyway, the pain was horrible. Ended up having a hysterectomy. That did take away ALL the pain. So I thought I was fine...WRONG! Still sought pain pills from docs, dentists, friends...etc. Became addicted again. 10 days ago I decided I have had enough of the lying and pills.
The latest drug for me was tramadol Which is awful! I would take up to 1000mgs a day! I am amazed I am alive! I was horribly sick for about 5 days. Still do not feel back to "normal".
Anyway, I have finally realized that I am ready for help. So today I start an out-patient program. I am scared. I "appear" to be the "perfect" mom with the "perfect" family. I have a successful, well-educated husband, nice cars, nice home, smart and happy kids, dog, I am always helping at the kids school, etc. You get the picture.
This sounds dumb but I am afraid of what people will think about me. Although, I KNOW to save myself and my family this is what I must do. I am ready for this. But why do I care what others think so much? Does anyone else feel this way?
Guess, I am just looking for others who have been in my situation and can understand. Thanks for letting me ramble!
I was here last year but am back. Here is my background. I am a 30 year old stay at home mom. After my youngest was born I had severe post partum depression. I discovered that the percocet I was prescribed made me feel "happy". Off and on I took it for about 3 years. Over the past 2 years I developed severe pain 21 days out of the week. Last year I became addicted to pain pills. I would tell myself that I could stop anytime I wanted and for a few weeks at a time I would.
Anyway, the pain was horrible. Ended up having a hysterectomy. That did take away ALL the pain. So I thought I was fine...WRONG! Still sought pain pills from docs, dentists, friends...etc. Became addicted again. 10 days ago I decided I have had enough of the lying and pills.
The latest drug for me was tramadol Which is awful! I would take up to 1000mgs a day! I am amazed I am alive! I was horribly sick for about 5 days. Still do not feel back to "normal".
Anyway, I have finally realized that I am ready for help. So today I start an out-patient program. I am scared. I "appear" to be the "perfect" mom with the "perfect" family. I have a successful, well-educated husband, nice cars, nice home, smart and happy kids, dog, I am always helping at the kids school, etc. You get the picture.
This sounds dumb but I am afraid of what people will think about me. Although, I KNOW to save myself and my family this is what I must do. I am ready for this. But why do I care what others think so much? Does anyone else feel this way?
Guess, I am just looking for others who have been in my situation and can understand. Thanks for letting me ramble!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Of course you worry about what people will think about you. There is a social stigma attached to addiction. But most people seem to be more aware now that ANYBODY can get addicted, and you don't know if you are susceptible to it until it happens.
What people will REALLY think about you, unless they are stupid idiots, is that HERE is a mom who CARES about her family and does not want to model inappropriate behavior to her kids. You are doing a REALLY COOL THING by going to rehab. Seriously.
Whether you even know it or not, kids perceive far more than you realize, and even if you have hidden your addiction from them, they are still learning coping behaviors from you. If you model that the proper coping behavior is to "take something," then that is what they will learn. At some point when they are ready, you can tell them they may have inherited a tendency for addictive behaviors, and maybe they can avoid some of this pain. Which you know it is.
I, too, found oxys a PERFECT antidepressant. I could not even BELIEVE I had found such a "wonder drug." I had been tried on many kinds, and none worked for me. Until oxys. It was only after I was hooked on them that I discovered their addictive and toxic effects were far worse than the depression, and eventually they don't even work for that either. Turns out that oxys are a really BAD DRUG FOR DEPRESSION.
Try to find a doctor who will help you with your depression, make sure they know that you were using oxys for that, and do something about it so that the depression doesn't make you cave in and start using again.
There is a book called "Worry" by Hallowell, very cheap at Amazon, that really helped me start recovering on my own from several years of very deep depression. Hallowell has a very good way of explaining why we think the way we do, worry about what we worry about, and how we fall into depression. It made me realize that I had a NORMAL BRAIN that was capable of healing from the deep depression I had. I now take a couple of simple medications for depression, and it was only after I stopped the other ones that were making me even worse, that I got better. I still tend towards depression if I am not careful. It was one of the things I feared the most going off oxycodone, because I would rather be almost anything but depressed. Three months clean going on four, though, one of those things is not addiction.
Good luck! (by the way, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to know about your rehab -- it is yours to reveal, and only yours -- and people can't read your mind)
FT
What people will REALLY think about you, unless they are stupid idiots, is that HERE is a mom who CARES about her family and does not want to model inappropriate behavior to her kids. You are doing a REALLY COOL THING by going to rehab. Seriously.
Whether you even know it or not, kids perceive far more than you realize, and even if you have hidden your addiction from them, they are still learning coping behaviors from you. If you model that the proper coping behavior is to "take something," then that is what they will learn. At some point when they are ready, you can tell them they may have inherited a tendency for addictive behaviors, and maybe they can avoid some of this pain. Which you know it is.
I, too, found oxys a PERFECT antidepressant. I could not even BELIEVE I had found such a "wonder drug." I had been tried on many kinds, and none worked for me. Until oxys. It was only after I was hooked on them that I discovered their addictive and toxic effects were far worse than the depression, and eventually they don't even work for that either. Turns out that oxys are a really BAD DRUG FOR DEPRESSION.
Try to find a doctor who will help you with your depression, make sure they know that you were using oxys for that, and do something about it so that the depression doesn't make you cave in and start using again.
There is a book called "Worry" by Hallowell, very cheap at Amazon, that really helped me start recovering on my own from several years of very deep depression. Hallowell has a very good way of explaining why we think the way we do, worry about what we worry about, and how we fall into depression. It made me realize that I had a NORMAL BRAIN that was capable of healing from the deep depression I had. I now take a couple of simple medications for depression, and it was only after I stopped the other ones that were making me even worse, that I got better. I still tend towards depression if I am not careful. It was one of the things I feared the most going off oxycodone, because I would rather be almost anything but depressed. Three months clean going on four, though, one of those things is not addiction.
Good luck! (by the way, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to know about your rehab -- it is yours to reveal, and only yours -- and people can't read your mind)
FT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Thank you so much! It is just nice to hear from someone who understands. I really appreciate your words being so kind. I will look into the book. I have a doctor treating my depression with 2 meds right now. However, I have not given them a chance since I was using pain med's at the same time too. So hopefully, once I heal a bit more and give myself some time I will start to feel some benefit from the anti-depressants.
Garden Variety Addict
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lambertville, NJ
Posts: 310
Originally Posted by Clemsongirl 
But why do I care what others think so much? Does anyone else feel this way?
You may find outpatient to be highly non-judgmental, if that's any comfort. Just think, a bunch of addicts who screwed up sitting together discussing recovery. You don't end up in one of those chairs by living perfect.
I attend outpatient and have the past 10 months. It's saved me more than once. As much as I say I hate it I really love it, but shhhh.... keep that under yr hat.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Honestly, I think most people aren't all that interested in what we do with our lives. We'd like to think that the world is enthralled by us and what we do, but the truth is - not so much. Do your thing, you don't need to shout your status from the rooftops, and take it one day at a time. What you do to take care of your health is nobody's business but your own.
Good for you to take this step on your own! Good luck, keep posting.
Good for you to take this step on your own! Good luck, keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Thanks everyone for the welcome and encouraging words. I do agree, that most people probably don't care what we are doing. I just feel like they do...stupid, I guess. I have always been one to worry about how others see me rather than how I see myself. That is something I need to work on... I think that is one reason I fell into this awful addiction too. I need to stop trying to be who I think everyone else wants me to be. I need to just be me... not sure who that is anymore but hopefully I will figure it out on this journey.
I really enjoyed the program yesterday! I was surprised how comfortable and safe I felt. This was the first time I have been in a room with all addicts/alcoholics and the first time EVER i did not feel judged or scared being honest and opening up!
I came home last night and I felt good. But when I walked in the door I tensed up and was very short and kinda angry with my husband and I don't understand why :o( He is trying to understand and be there for me. I know he does not "get it" but he is trying. He is my best friend but right now I just don't feel comfortable opening up to him right now. Is this normal? has anyone felt this way when they stated a recovery program?
I really enjoyed the program yesterday! I was surprised how comfortable and safe I felt. This was the first time I have been in a room with all addicts/alcoholics and the first time EVER i did not feel judged or scared being honest and opening up!
I came home last night and I felt good. But when I walked in the door I tensed up and was very short and kinda angry with my husband and I don't understand why :o( He is trying to understand and be there for me. I know he does not "get it" but he is trying. He is my best friend but right now I just don't feel comfortable opening up to him right now. Is this normal? has anyone felt this way when they stated a recovery program?
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