Starting over

[Bronxbomber]

I am a 24 year old crystal meth addict whose been clean for about 3 hours. I've been in and out of recovery for about 2 years now. I am a chronic relapser. I have the desire to stay clean. But I've isolated myself so much lately that when I do go out the anxieity is almost to much to handle. I have so much shame and guilt that I scared to go back to the meetings because I feel like I'm only going to fail anyways so why bother going back. I stumbled upon this website today and I am grateful for it, hopefully my mind will be a little more clear tommorow I will check back in then. Any support suggestions would help.:p

[Reven]

Hi Bronx...

Welcome to the boards, there is much experience, strength and hope here. I have foudn that out...
Right now, your head may seem a mess, i know in my first week of withdrawl i was a total wreck, i mean someone said to me "read something" I couldnt read! I couldnt sit down, if i did i wanted to get up, i got up i wanted to sit down. I sweat i ached i had diarreao everything. Point is here.. Even through this, i rang up some na people who i never had before, and they came to my house and gave me a lift to a meeting, and i never forgot that, and i felt wonderful for it.
I know u probably feel u cannot walk right now, and even if u canot make it to a meeting, ring up the helplines, thats why they are there - To help.
Im worried that you are beginning to suffer agorophobia, but also i think this may be cos of the drugs u took. And soon providing u stay clean i believe this will go. But please take the time to ring those helplines, they are lifesavers, and the tme passes so much faster even if its just an hour or 5 minutes. In the first week for me 5 minutes was a lifetime, and the phone really helped.
Dont do what i did the first time i got clean - Keep reservations - We cannot do this. I mean, we trusted when we bought drugs that it was right weight and stuff right? We did that cos we wanted to trust them. And we want recovery now, so what we have to do is blind trust at the beginning. Maybe this seems harsh, but my point is, we dont know what will happen in recovery, but we trust the people who guide us, the programme.
And believe me it works. I stil dont know what tommorow wil bring. If i sit up sayng "what if" al night i wil get nowhere and all my what ifs will never happen. What matters is - How it is - Not how it should be or could be. Please try the meetngs and helplines, and throw urself into recovery as we threw ourselves into drugs.. We may have to trust people we dont want to, but over time, that trust will be proved to be the right thing to do. Im in early recovery now.. And i have to say IT WORKS. At first i didnt believe it did, now i do. It took me ages to grasp it, but i have now. And please just keep going to meetings, reading the literature, ring the helplines, come to the boards, surround urself with na/aa people and positive people. People who u can listen to. People who hae been in the same situation.

I hope somehow smething i said has helped, i caan only speak from my own experiences

Feel free to contact me if u need to talk or need anything

Yours

Reven

[ButterflyChaser]

Hi there Bronxbomber, I am also recovering from crystal meth! I did it for about 16 yrs! I know all those feelings of guilt & being ashamed! But still go to your meetings! People there will accept you NO MATTER WHAT!! They won't judge you, they will love you!
If you need to talk you can talk to me, PM me if you'd like, I can relate to the ups & downs of the Meth Monster!! You've just gotta believe in yourself, and I do!! Ü