I've got the fear...

[squirty]

Hi friends. I'm sorry, I haven't been around much and it's been a very long time since I've posted asking for support.

I've been managing to just get on with my life with the help of subutex...

but I've just had my last dose...

and now I've got the fear.

I've been on it for a year and a half. The withdrawals shouldn't be too bad at all cus I managed to drop to 0.2mg.

It's just the thought of having nothing... it either over-excites me or makes me have mild panic attacks!!!

I've been working to get to this point for SO long and now it's here I don't know how to handle it.

It doesn't help that I am staying at my folks for the week, in the middle of nowhere miles away from support... oh and they have vast quantities of strong prescription codeine in the cupboard...

bad planning eh?!

I'm not tempted to take them... I refuse to blow all that hard work.

But I just needed to reach out... and hope it might calm me down slightly

lots of love Squirty xxx

[windysan]

Relax man, be seated. Take a deep breath, Withnail. Best to flush that stuff before you're tempted. Just hold on and work your way through it. It may not be so bad. I'm hoping you're not staying in Uncle Monty's cabin

By the way, I love that movie.



easy, man

[Nallabelle]

Good job with the tapering. Im sure posting here will help you since you cant get to meetings. Do your parents know about your addiction? They need to lock up that medication. I mean you are strong in your recovery, but I dont think you would have posted here if there wasnt even a small chance that you could relapse. You dont want 1 1/2 years to go down the toilet so you really need a plan in place. What drugs were you taking prior to the subutex?
You can do this. The tapering will help alot. Every day at the time you normally take the subutex, try taking a vitamin. Its good for you and it might be enough to trick your brain.

[Tish28]

Can you tell your folks?? I'm sure that they would help you if they know what you are doing.
Let me TRY to help you. I jumped off at 8mg of Subutex, and comparing to others, I got off mildly. Only a case of very,very bad flu, and anyone can get through bad flu!! What is really, really important is to have good, honest support i.e. your family, partener, friends,meetings, a sponser, and the people on here. 0.2mg is practically nothing - YOU CAN DO IT. Something else that is so important, is to have your head up together of all the issues that bothered you whilst you were using. What are your triggers? Write them out if you must. Read them and then, throw them away with a purpose.

Now to get you over the withdrawals - get Advil, Immodium, hot baths, soothing tea in.
Have you seen your docter, to help you in this? Take anything NON narcotic that helps you. I listen to music, or watch funny thigs like "Absolutely Fabulous" - anything that calms me down will do, as long as it is not a drug. My pills are now out of reach. If you feel anxious now, that's not good. Calm down, take a huge breath and get your parents to lock the codeine away.

I wish you the very best, and know just what you are going through. You need all the help that you can muster. It's good to have people on your side, AND tools.

Take lots of Tender Loving Care of yourself,
Ingrid x
P.S. Feel free to PM me if you want.

[squirty]

Thanks for the replies. I'm doing the minute at a time thing and taking lots of deep breaths.

The withdrawals don't worry me in the slightest... I know I've gone through worse with going cold turkey from opiates.

I've tapered down to such a low dose that really life shouldn't be that different.

But every time I let myself think of the fact tomorrow (April Fool's Day?!?!) will be the first day in 12 years that I've not had a daily dose of drugs I panic and wonder how I'm gonna do it...

I know, I know, I shouldn't be thinking of tomorrow.

I'm gonna be 28 next week... how the hell that happened I don't know... last thing I remember I was about 19.

I wish I could flush the pills Windy... but my parents need them for legitimate pain issues. They pretty much know about my addiction to painkillers cus I used to get my own prescription and steal loads of theirs (lots of shame there). They know about my problems with coke and booze too. They don't know about all the other drugs. Trouble is, they don't want to acknowledge it. Never had. When I try and talk to my mum she cries and clearly can't handle it. She has a lot of health issues so I don't want to push it. I asked them to move the pills before but nothing came of that.

I do have some supportive friends but not near me at the mo. I haven't been to meetings for a while... think when I return home I need to get back to them. I just need to hold on till then...

Thanks again for being here
xxx

[windysan]

Don't psych yourself out, Squirtypants. When you start freaking go for a long walk or go fishing. Yes, fishing helps.

[northbelle]

Thank yo ufor coming back here Squirty!!! I can totally understand where yo uare coming from ..Just take it a DAY at a time right now...I mean being totally clean WILL be so much better...It is what YOU want right??? I know you hate wehre you came from and things have been alot better for you since you went on subs??? When you say you have been able to get on with your life...have ya been happy? Ya haven't really posted much so I don't know..
I would not be able to do this thing without staying super tight with the recovery community..I don't have a job right now but I am on a good path towards it,,,I put my recovery first and help people ...and if I do that EVERYTHING else is taken care of....I ain't worth **** if I go out there!!! SEEK SUPPORT...start talking to us here more!!
Love you
Miss you gals from over the pond!! (((((Alera))))))))))..how is she????
SOOOOOO glad to see you!!! I need ya!
love north

[tennladybb]

(((((((Squirt)))))))) missed seeign you on here. I am sending prayers and thoughts your way. I hope everything goes well for you and your recovery goes great. I am still quite a bit too early to be giving advice, and I am struggling with some depression etc. But like similar to what Bear used to use as his sign off... the depression wont kill me, the drugs will and I will likely start to see some relief from the depression.

Keep posting, i have always enjoyed your posts, and of course, you know, this is a wonderful place for that extra support!! Much love, Becky

[Tish28]

Sorry Squirty and thank you for your sweet PM. I have just realised that you are on SR for much longer than I have been around. I honestly didn't mean to sound presumptuous about Subs. I am in the midst of things on this subject, and really want to help anyone I can. So many on this site have helped and encouraged me. 28 years old is so young. I wish I hah had the same reaction as you when I was your age.

Take care of yourself,
Ingrid xxx

[squirty]

Oh I can't tell you how much it made me smile to see your post ((((((North))))))

It's so lovely to hear things are on the right path with you... we've seen each other go through some bad stuff over the years eh? So it's nice to hear things aren't too bad.

((((Becky)))) I'm pleased to hear you're a bit more positive... stay strong.

I am gonna try and get some sleep.

I just keep trying not to make this time into too much of a big deal. In my head I know life will not be that different tomorrow... I just won't be taking o.2mg of subutex.

But in my heart, I keep getting either over-excited, cus yes this is it!! Everything I've been working towards for over 2 years... I'm finally gonna achieve what I never have been able to do... my first day clean of all drugs in 12 years!!!!!!!!!

I think I may then finish going through puberty aged 28!

After the over-excitement quickly comes the panic and dread.

Which is why I am trying to stay calm and centred and in the moment.

Easier said than done eh folks?

Wish me luck!

Squirty xxxx

P.S. Windy... that is a cracking film! Thanks for making me giggle ;-)

[Stagebear]

My Darling Squirts--
How in very different straits we are: you because you face tomorrow in fear of not taking pills because it is the right thing to do, and I in fear of taking them because it may be the right thing to do.
Drugs fluck up our lives whether we are trying to not take them or...well...trying to not take them. Guess our circumstances ain't so very different huh?
On to bed...

[squirty]

(((((((da Bear))))))))) I hope things aren't too bad for you today. Please don't let yourself go through undue pain... that is actually what painkillers are for, it is only us addicts that turned them into something else! Having said that, it is amazing what the human body can cope with (so I am told... I unfortunately cannot verify this personally as I have had opiates in my system for as long as I can remember)
Either way, I know you will do what is right for you (just don't try and be too super-human!) I also know that you have a caring and loving partner and trust you will let yourself be looked.

Big hugs coming your way ((((((((da Bear))))))))

((Ingrid)) you don't sound presumptuous at all hun... just cus I have been on here a while, it certainly doesn't mean I know it all!!! Far from it!

Well, I have woken up to Day 1 clean. To be honest, it is a complete relief to be awake. My fear clearly found it's way into my dreams. In my dream I had convinced my mum that I needed some of her painkillers (I used to do this quite easily unfortunately) and then supplemented it with my own boxes of 100 strong prescription codeine and then went to the cupboard and stole some more... then all I remember is that I kept carrying around these hundreds and hundreds of pills... I kept trying not to take them and would wake up in cold sweats. This happened SO many times... until I lost the will to fight anymore and I just keep taking them... mouthfuls of pills, swilling them down with beer... and then there were other drugs in the room and I started to take them (think I'll avoid any more details on drugs) and then I started being sick but that didn't stop me putting more pills in my mouth.

That's all I remember... and it was horrible. I had that feeling when I finally woke up that I had actually used and it took me a while to realise it was but a dream... and I am SO grateful it wasn't real... I never want to be like that again. I hope no-one here does either and I hope it has put people off, rather than the opposite. I am sorry if telling my dream has offended anyone... but it's disturbed me and I don't have anyone else to tell right now.

Thanks for being here once again

love

Squirty xxx

[emmer]

Hi Squirty, good to see you here again.

Now is the time for distractions. IMHO.
Hit as many meetings as you can muster. Keep posting, talk to friends in recovery,
and above all, be xtra easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to go easy.

I have a tendency to panic and try to retify my feelings instead of letting them happen and work thru them.
PM the sh!t out of me or any other friend, were here to help. Try to talk lots, about how your feeling.

We're here to help

[Impurrfect]

((((Squirty)))

It's so good to see you here, again!!!

I agree with ((Joe))...distract yourself. Try to think of today as "just another day". I know it's a HUGE thing...day 1 with NOTHING, which is great, BTW, but if it's stressing you out, maybe just tell your mind "yeah, that's cool, now think of something else".

I have to do this, a LOT with my mind. I'm getting pretty darned good and distracting myself Not necessarily from using thoughts, but just "life stuff"...things that stress me. It seemed like I did it a zillion times a day, at first, but with practice, it's now almost automatic. I'm not saying I never get stressed (wouldn't THAT be great), but it really has helped me to stay in the moment. I just use the word "next" to tell myself to go onto the next thought...anything that will distract me.

I'm really proud of you, btw!!! As ((Joe)) said..reach out..here, f2f, wherever you can.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[squirty]

Thank you Amy and Joe... I have been distracting myself as much as possible.

Day 2 clean...

my head REALLY hurts.

I actually think some of it is my body trying to convince me it needs painkillers...

oh how easy it would be to just take some now...

but I won't... because it would be the biggest mistake of my life and I don't think I would make it back.

Please lend me some of your strength if you have any to spare

Squirty xxx

[Impurrfect]

(((Squirty)))

Sending you strength, hugs, prayers, and whatever else I've got that you need, sweetie!

I know absolutely nothing about subs, but if the headache has anything to do with coming off of them, hopefully it will be gone soon.

I think you're doing GREAT and I'm really glad to see you here again...I missed ya!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[emmer]

Tons of strength coming your way, sweetie. I know when i detoxed off benzos, every bone in my body and every muscle, was aching.
It's just the brain being extra sensitive to everything. It will pass soon though.

You're young and you'll recover fast. Me ? ... I'm an old F-r and it takes me longer. lol!

Hang in there babe

[Wolfchild]

A phone is a wonderful way to reach out and get the help we need when we can't get to a meeting. If you have numbers, use them! If you believe in a Higher Power, pray! If you have recovery literature, read! If you have pen and paper, write! Try not to focus on what you can't do, make every effort to do what you can do to stay clean!!!!

[squirty]

Day 3.

Thanks for sending me some strength... it is much needed at the moment.

For some reason I am sobbing my heart out. I remember getting like that after going cold turkey but I am surprised this is affecting me so much after to dropping to such a low dose of subutex.

I didn't sleep a wink last night so that won't be helping. I was just trying to have a nap (luckily I timed this when I'm on holiday from work) when I started thinking about my ex (who I broke up with when I tried to get clean over 2 years ago). All these feelings hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss him. I can't help but feel sad that drugs brought us together and tore us apart. I feel upset that I can't fix it. I feel angry that I still care and am not over this. Maybe that's because I've bottled up so much.

Anyway, sorry for venting my feelings here... I'm just trying to do the healthy thing. Trying to nap was making me feel terrible, so I thought I would offload some of the bad thoughts. Now I'm gonna have a nice bubble bath and breathe.

I'm not gonna take drugs.

Thanks x

[emmer]

Gee, your doing so well Squirty.Remember the Squirty of old? Very messed up........ but look at you now, your on day 3 and doing wonderful.
Yes , you've been having a emotions over stuff from your past, but this is soo normal and healing too (IMHO)

Your talking about what your going thru (excellent!) and your an encouragement to us all. What success !!!

Try to keep in mind to go keep going easy on yourself , like bubble baths and maybe a little shopping (or window shopping)

Your life is nicely on track and the workings towards a very happy Squirty are happening right now and will get better each day you are clean.

You are loved very much!
keep posting and sharing

Joe