Am I wrong? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Yesterdaysnumb · 02-18-2009, 11:07 AM

I swear that I flip out everytime he comes to me after he even drank just one beer!! It's crazy because (obviously) I'm flipping out on him every single day. I never grew up with alcohol or drugs in my family so I don't know how that affects a person. I feel like if he had ANY amount of drugs or alcohol he can't adequately care for our children and he's being negligent. He says that this hurts him... am I wrong for this?

christin1225 · 02-18-2009, 04:31 PM

It would be difficult for anyone here to judge whether or not your SO is responsible to care for your children after having a drink or using their DOC, unless they are familiar with the behaviors of your SO under these influences, let alone what drugs we are looking at, the ages of the children, etc. I am not familiar and, therefore, cannot offer an opinion.

The opinion that I can offer is that it is very likely that your SO is hurt if you're "flipping out" on them. Are you wrong? I'm not in a position to begin to commment because I don't know your history. Has your SO promised never drink another beer again, etc? I will say that most non-alcoholic adults can care for children after having consumed a beer. I say, "non-alcoholic" not because an alcoholic is too intoxicated after one beer, but because he very well might not stop at one beer.

Maybe you would like to describe your situation better? Offer information as to whether either you or your SO attend any type of counseling or support groups, etc. What are the behaviors of your SO while drinking, etc. I might be able to offer a more informed opinion after having received that information.

bval · 02-19-2009, 08:05 AM

I'm not going to sit and pass judgement on anybody in this situation, esp. not with the paucity of information provided. But I will say this ... if I were this man, and I could honestly look at my life and assert that I have no real problem with alcohol, and yet my SO was flipping out on me for drinking one beer (however often that happens) ... I would probably ... eventually ... leave them.

But that's just me, I personally would not have 'put up' with that, myself. Then again, I generally probably 'leave' a bit easier than most people would. And I don't have kids, so its hard for me to know exactly what I'd do if kids were involved.

But ... basically, personally, I'd have had a big problem with your attitude about the situation unless you could point to some tangible harm that was occurring due to my having a few beers once in a while. Again, I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong here, honestly, I'm just speaking about what would happen if I were the man involved.

I would also add that my mom and stepdad have drank (responsibly) around me for my entire life. They were, and are, great parents, as well as very successful and loving people. Adults having a glass of wine or a beer (or even two or three from time to time), even on a regular basis, does not automatically make them negligent, irresponsible parents.

Now, if you have reason to think this person is an alcoholic ... that obviously changes the equation fairly significantly ...

lostbutterfly · 02-20-2009, 12:27 AM

If it is just one beer, I think you can let it slide. BUT, if he has a drinking problem, or is a budding alcoholic, just bear in mind, that our idea of "one" beer, or "one" drink, is very different to other peoples!

I would go on his behaviour. If he seems perfectly capable of looking after the kids, he probably is. One beer doesn't make anyone drunk! When I drank, the stuff was like water to me i.e. I didn't bother drinking it, it had zero effect!

windysan · 02-20-2009, 06:00 AM

I'm lost. Is this guy an akaholic?

Yesterdaysnumb · 02-20-2009, 06:02 AM

Ok UPDATE sorry for being so brief:

He's an alcholic, he's snorts/pops/drinks/smokes EVERYTHING. Or should I say he "used to". Now, he just smokes weed and drinks. (but I don't believe him half the time about that)

christin1225 · 02-20-2009, 07:03 AM

Okay... Yesterday... that's a little more helpful.

Although in your first post you state that you don't know how drugs or alcohol affect a person (because of not being raised around it), you do know that they are mind altering substances -- this is merely scientific fact. Therefore, you have some reason to be concerned for your children.

In your second post, you admit that he is an alcoholic and a drug abuser (I'm led to believe that he's most likely an addict). So, you have a good reason to be concnerned for the welfare of your children while in his care if he's drinking or using.

The above, answers your question, I believe and it doesn't matter whether or not he's hurt by you not allowing him to care for the children. Your responsibility as a mother is to do what is best for your children.

However, I would like to propose a question that you didn't ask. Are you accomplishing anything by "flipping out" on him? No.

In fact, your irrational outbursts (which sounds as if in your anger you may be intending to be hurtful) could give him ammunition to try to justify his drinking and drugging. If you want this relationship to work and you don't want to hurt him, you need to find a way to learn to deal with your own hurts and frustrations in this relationship. I see that you've been a member of SR for quite a while. I'm assuming that you participate on the family and friends forum. Do you belong to a f2f support group? I would suggest it. All the best to you!

Yesterdaysnumb · 02-20-2009, 07:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christin1225

Okay... Yesterday... that's a little more helpful.

Although in your first post you state that you don't know how drugs or alcohol affect a person (because of not being raised around it), you do know that they are mind altering substances -- this is merely scientific fact. Therefore, you have some reason to be concerned for your children.

In your second post, you admit that he is an alcoholic and a drug abuser (I'm led to believe that he's most likely an addict). So, you have a good reason to be concnerned for the welfare of your children while in his care if he's drinking or using.

The above, answers your question, I believe and it doesn't matter whether or not he's hurt by you not allowing him to care for the children. Your responsibility as a mother is to do what is best for your children.

However, I would like to propose a question that you didn't ask. Are you accomplishing anything by "flipping out" on him? No.

In fact, your irrational outbursts (which sounds as if in your anger you may be intending to be hurtful) could give him ammunition to try to justify his drinking and drugging. If you want this relationship to work and you don't want to hurt him, you need to find a way to learn to deal with your own hurts and frustrations in this relationship. I see that you've been a member of SR for quite a while. I'm assuming that you participate on the family and friends forum. Do you belong to a f2f support group? I would suggest it. All the best to you!

No I didn't know there was a group.Can you direct me the direction of how to join? Also, yes I've been here for a while posting with the friends and family. I just really wanted some input from a person that has been in his position.

When I first found out about his usage it was 6 months into our marriage. I did all the wrong things to say the least. Then I started to come here and learn how to handle it better.

I improved.

He left.

I started not to care anymore.

He came back.

I started to care again.

Now I'm doing the same things that I did before. Such as, yell/fight/scream/control him/control who he's around/call constantly etc. I'm just at my whits end about this whole cycle.

lostbutterfly · 02-20-2009, 10:30 AM

There are f2f groups like Al-Anon, which teach you how to cope with living with an alkie/addict.

Now, I won't judge him, coz I "looked after" my kids for the last 3 years and I was pretty plastered on alcohol and pills at least half the time. I even got the housework done, held down a job etc. Fairly functional altho that was starting to change, especially where the alcohol was concerned.

But, trust your instincts. No need to flip out, but stand your ground. I didn't trust mine, and turned out my xabf was on heroin for a good few months when he had our little one round his. (only two years old at the time). I only found this out after he disappeared with her for a whole afternoon when we were supposed to meet up - longest hours of my life!

It could have all been so much worse, and I would never have forgiven myself for not having the courage to act on my convictions. So, don't be angry with him. Follow your instincts. They are usually right, in my experience, where our kids are concerned.

02-18-2009, 11:07 AM	#1 (permalink)
Yesterdaysnumb Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 321	Am I wrong? I swear that I flip out everytime he comes to me after he even drank just one beer!! It's crazy because (obviously) I'm flipping out on him every single day. I never grew up with alcohol or drugs in my family so I don't know how that affects a person. I feel like if he had ANY amount of drugs or alcohol he can't adequately care for our children and he's being negligent. He says that this hurts him... am I wrong for this? __________________ "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places..." Ephesians 6:12

02-20-2009, 12:27 AM	#4 (permalink)
lostbutterfly OMG everything's real Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: England Posts: 3,977 Blog Entries: 3	If it is just one beer, I think you can let it slide. BUT, if he has a drinking problem, or is a budding alcoholic, just bear in mind, that our idea of "one" beer, or "one" drink, is very different to other peoples! I would go on his behaviour. If he seems perfectly capable of looking after the kids, he probably is. One beer doesn't make anyone drunk! When I drank, the stuff was like water to me i.e. I didn't bother drinking it, it had zero effect! __________________ happily addicted to sugar, caffeine and horses

02-20-2009, 06:00 AM	#5 (permalink)
windysan Big Idiot Man Child Join Date: May 2004 Location: La Posts: 5,769	I'm lost. Is this guy an akaholic? __________________ ZigZaggin through Weirdland

02-20-2009, 06:02 AM	#6 (permalink)
Yesterdaysnumb Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 321	Ok UPDATE sorry for being so brief: He's an alcholic, he's snorts/pops/drinks/smokes EVERYTHING. Or should I say he "used to". Now, he just smokes weed and drinks. (but I don't believe him half the time about that) __________________ "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places..." Ephesians 6:12

02-20-2009, 10:30 AM	#9 (permalink)
lostbutterfly OMG everything's real Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: England Posts: 3,977 Blog Entries: 3	There are f2f groups like Al-Anon, which teach you how to cope with living with an alkie/addict. Now, I won't judge him, coz I "looked after" my kids for the last 3 years and I was pretty plastered on alcohol and pills at least half the time. I even got the housework done, held down a job etc. Fairly functional altho that was starting to change, especially where the alcohol was concerned. But, trust your instincts. No need to flip out, but stand your ground. I didn't trust mine, and turned out my xabf was on heroin for a good few months when he had our little one round his. (only two years old at the time). I only found this out after he disappeared with her for a whole afternoon when we were supposed to meet up - longest hours of my life! It could have all been so much worse, and I would never have forgiven myself for not having the courage to act on my convictions. So, don't be angry with him. Follow your instincts. They are usually right, in my experience, where our kids are concerned. __________________ happily addicted to sugar, caffeine and horses

02-18-2009, 04:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
christin1225 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Upstate New York Posts: 1,369 Blog Entries: 24	It would be difficult for anyone here to judge whether or not your SO is responsible to care for your children after having a drink or using their DOC, unless they are familiar with the behaviors of your SO under these influences, let alone what drugs we are looking at, the ages of the children, etc. I am not familiar and, therefore, cannot offer an opinion. The opinion that I can offer is that it is very likely that your SO is hurt if you're "flipping out" on them. Are you wrong? I'm not in a position to begin to commment because I don't know your history. Has your SO promised never drink another beer again, etc? I will say that most non-alcoholic adults can care for children after having consumed a beer. I say, "non-alcoholic" not because an alcoholic is too intoxicated after one beer, but because he very well might not stop at one beer. Maybe you would like to describe your situation better? Offer information as to whether either you or your SO attend any type of counseling or support groups, etc. What are the behaviors of your SO while drinking, etc. I might be able to offer a more informed opinion after having received that information.

02-19-2009, 08:05 AM	#3 (permalink)
bval Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: CA Native Posts: 2,509	I'm not going to sit and pass judgement on anybody in this situation, esp. not with the paucity of information provided. But I will say this ... if I were this man, and I could honestly look at my life and assert that I have no real problem with alcohol, and yet my SO was flipping out on me for drinking one beer (however often that happens) ... I would probably ... eventually ... leave them. But that's just me, I personally would not have 'put up' with that, myself. Then again, I generally probably 'leave' a bit easier than most people would. And I don't have kids, so its hard for me to know exactly what I'd do if kids were involved. But ... basically, personally, I'd have had a big problem with your attitude about the situation unless you could point to some tangible harm that was occurring due to my having a few beers once in a while. Again, I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong here, honestly, I'm just speaking about what would happen if I were the man involved. I would also add that my mom and stepdad have drank (responsibly) around me for my entire life. They were, and are, great parents, as well as very successful and loving people. Adults having a glass of wine or a beer (or even two or three from time to time), even on a regular basis, does not automatically make them negligent, irresponsible parents. Now, if you have reason to think this person is an alcoholic ... that obviously changes the equation fairly significantly ...

02-20-2009, 07:03 AM	#7 (permalink)
christin1225 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Upstate New York Posts: 1,369 Blog Entries: 24	Okay... Yesterday... that's a little more helpful. Although in your first post you state that you don't know how drugs or alcohol affect a person (because of not being raised around it), you do know that they are mind altering substances -- this is merely scientific fact. Therefore, you have some reason to be concerned for your children. In your second post, you admit that he is an alcoholic and a drug abuser (I'm led to believe that he's most likely an addict). So, you have a good reason to be concnerned for the welfare of your children while in his care if he's drinking or using. The above, answers your question, I believe and it doesn't matter whether or not he's hurt by you not allowing him to care for the children. Your responsibility as a mother is to do what is best for your children. However, I would like to propose a question that you didn't ask. Are you accomplishing anything by "flipping out" on him? *No.* In fact, your irrational outbursts (which sounds as if in your anger you may be intending to be hurtful) could give him ammunition to try to justify his drinking and drugging. If you want this relationship to work and you don't want to hurt him, you need to find a way to learn to deal with your own hurts and frustrations in this relationship. I see that you've been a member of SR for quite a while. I'm assuming that you participate on the family and friends forum. Do you belong to a f2f support group? I would suggest it. All the best to you!

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