Codeine Chronicles Part II

[lostbutterfly]

Here we go again. I knew this would be hard, but never this hard.

I drank every day for the last 5+ years. Can't remember exactly when it became every day. The last 3 years I have tried to stop. Started AA meetings and I haven't drunk since September, except one little slip on December 3rd.

So, why are these pills so, so hard? There is this pop song out on the radio at the moment, which sums the feelings up.

Sometimes
I Feel like I’m going out of
My mind,
Boy the way you do me is a
damn crime,

But then you smile at me
and its all right,
With you there aint nothin' in between,

Every time that I walk out the door,
Tell myself I won't take it no more,
There’s a part of me won't let you go
I keep saying yes when my minds saying no,

Chorus:
Me and my heart we got issues,
Don’t know if I should hate you or miss you,
Damn, I wish that I could resist you,
Can't decide if I should leave you or kiss you.

Change my number and throw out your clothes,
But my feelings for you, it still shows,
I keep building the walls round my heart,
But then I see you, and it all falls apart...

Why fight it, cant hide it
Truth is I think I like it,
Confusion, illusion
Still I don’t know which way to go….

The way things stand at the moment, I got pills in the cupboard in case life gets too much again. Right now, I'm too scared not to have them nearby. I feel too alone, as a mum and stuff.

Haven't had any today tho (yet). And I've felt OK today. Work is hectic, but I just show up, do what I have to. At least I'm not dealing with psychopathic teenagers, lol!!!

[Sugah]

I'm adding your last post so that those you were addressing will see it.

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

I've always chosen the wrong kind of lovers, Sugah!!

How many years have you been back at school? My brain doesn't work that way anymore. I used to have this semi-photographic memory - long gone!! Are finals in summer, like here? I always think that is a cruel time to make kids study!

Hi Karma. How things going? I shall have to look for your posts in a minute.

Amy, Dee - that is exactly the problem with a/d's. If you get a prescription strength pill, you expect it to do something interesting at least!! My ex once bought a load of Prozac off someone and took about 20. He was well disappointed, lol! I told him that maybe in 3 weeks time he'd suddenly feel real good for about a day.

AA meeting Thursday. The plan is not to be bollocksed for that! It feels so wrong.

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

Right now, I'm too scared not to have them nearby. I feel too alone, as a mum and stuff.

Have you done a 4th step with your sponsor, LB? If you have, you know how to do an inventory on your relationship with your kids. It really, truly works the same way.

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

How many years have you been back at school? My brain doesn't work that way anymore. I used to have this semi-photographic memory - long gone!! Are finals in summer, like here? I always think that is a cruel time to make kids study!

I finished a four-year (baccalaureate) degree last spring, and I'm working on a three-year MFA (master of fine arts) right now. I used to have a good memory, too, but long-term use took that away. The hardest part is that the average person's vocabulary expands from 10,000 words to 20,000 words between high school and a four-year degree, and in graduate school, I can't find the statistic, but it's a whole bunch more. I find myself looking up the SAME word over and over because I can't retain the meaning. Frustrating, yes...

My finals these days involve long, detailed papers that I never start soon enough!

Breathe deeply today, okay?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[lostbutterfly]

I can't find my mommy guinea pig anywhere. (sobs!) I've been looking for her in the dark and cold with a torch. They all run round the garden if they like in the day, and at night they follow me into the shed (coz I have food).

Except the two horny boys, who have to live in a hutch. I feel sorry for them, but they will shag anything that moves.

Anyway, the mommy didn't follow me in. And I still can't find her. I think something hungry has eaten her. Can you explain how I would do an inventory to do with my kids Sugah, please? I'll come read later, I'm off to look for her now.

lb x

[Sugah]

The same way you'd do one for anyone or anything else. You list any fears, resentments, and harm done to them (guilt & remorse), the cause of it and what part of your self is affected. You're only dealing with your part in the relationship.

I'll pm you a link that might be helpful.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Jane63]

((LB)) I'm glad you started a new thread!

I hope you find your momma Guinea pig! That is cool how you just let them wander around outside your garden! How many do you have?
I had to chuckle when you said "shag" though...that's soo "Austin Powers-ish"!! LOL!!
Take care hun and I hope you don't feel the need to get in your cupboard!
((HUGS))
Jane
PS...Sugah..If you don't mind me asking, what subjects do you teach? My daughter is in her third year (going into fourth soon!) of college studying Middle Childhood education and plans to be a teacher when she is done! I'm really glad she found her "calling" and think she will make an excellent teacher one day!

[lostbutterfly]

Thanx Sugah. And I won't be taking anything today. Kind of got into some habits that keep me sober if I stick to them. And my kids are being pretty good at the mo!

And wow, regarding your studies. That is amazing! Is that you in your profile pic? Coz you looks so pretty and young. Did you say you were over 40?

Found mommy GP. She was hiding. They all seem a bit nervous, so I think something must have got in the garden. They really are too big for cats, but it has been a hard winter (relatively) and the foxes and owls are peckish I'm sure.

GP's are very incestuous Jane. You just wouldn't believe it! I have a horrible feeling I have a second generation on the way. One of the young males got out. I'm just hoping the girls could run faster than him, lol!! They are surprisingly swift on their tootsies.

I've got 5 (at the moment). The mum, daughter and castrated daddy are free to roam. The two uncastrated sons are in a hutch, but they go in a run in the garden on nice days. And one bunny, who is also free.

I will probably get the two boys castrated when it is warmer so they can go free too. Depends on the credit crunch - if things get very bad, I might have to consider farming them.

Sorry any vegetarians!! But people in Peru eat them all the time! (things will have to get VERY bad tho!) Bet Windy would eat them in a flash!

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by Jane63

PS...Sugah..If you don't mind me asking, what subjects do you teach? My daughter is in her third year (going into fourth soon!) of college studying Middle Childhood education and plans to be a teacher when she is done! I'm really glad she found her "calling" and think she will make an excellent teacher one day!

Good luck to your daughter, Jane. Anyone who can or wants to teach primary or secondary students has my greatest admiration! I teach freshman composition as somewhat of an indentured servant--I get a salary and my grad school tuition covered for my services. It really works out to more money than if I were teaching a full schedule of classes in high school (which, if you ask me, is a damned shame--they deserve to make a good money if they're good at what they do). The best part is that I have found that I love teaching, and my degree will allow me to continue to do so at the college level.

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

Thanx Sugah. And I won't be taking anything today. Kind of got into some habits that keep me sober if I stick to them. And my kids are being pretty good at the mo!

Maybe you could share them (the habits)? Might work for others, too. Unless, of course, there's duct tape involved...

And wow, regarding your studies. That is amazing! Is that you in your profile pic? Coz you looks so pretty and young. Did you say you were over 40?

Turned 40 last July. And the picture was taken at a distance

I will probably get the two boys castrated when it is warmer so they can go free too. Depends on the credit crunch - if things get very bad, I might have to consider farming them.

Sorry any vegetarians!! But people in Peru eat them all the time! (things will have to get VERY bad tho!) Bet Windy would eat them in a flash!

Eeew. I'm a vegetarian (technically, a pescaterian) but I wasn't always. My dad used to slaughter my bunnies when (he said) they were too old. I think he just had me feed them to fatten up!

[lugnut]

Except the two horny boys, who have to live in a hutch. I feel sorry for them, but they will shag anything that moves.

Now you know its not nice to lump us men into one little line lol


How you doing today? Glad your clean! Hope tomorrow goes a little easier for you!

[Jane63]

((Sugah)) My daughter's two main focuses are English and Science. She excelled mainly in English all during MS and HS and loved her AP teachers!
She is going to college in a big city and has plans to teach in one of the schools there for awhile, probably focusing on children who are "challenged" and work with AP students later on in ife when she is older/closer to retirement and definitely not as patient. (LOL) She seems to have it all pretty much planned out and I sure hope it works out for her!

I think it's really neat that you went back for your degrees and are now doing what you love!
When our daughter first entered college her interest was Medical and we kind of freaked out abit when she decided to change her major. But after we saw how dedicated she was, her love of children and the desire to teach, everything became clear and I am glad now she is on this path!

((LB)) COOL!! I wish you could post a pic of all your garden GP's!! (and the bunny!) I'm sure they probably breed like bunnies, LOL!

Humm...wonder how BBQed GP tastes?? I bet windy would eat them too! LOL!
Take care!
Jane

[Impurrfect]

((LB))

I'm glad you started a new thread, you're starting out on getting clean again!

We'll have to keep Windy away from your guinea pigs, just in case he has a good recipe for them.

As far as teachers go, I think they deserve to make LOTS of money!! I had some excellent teachers throughout school and college, and was one of those wierd kids that actually LIKED school. Probably why I'm working on another degree! The county I live in, just lost it's accredidation and has put the parents into a tailspin...no grants or scholarships for the kids who graduate. My niece has been home-schooled for 2-3 years because of the school system.

I agree with Sug, LB...might want to share your stay-sober tricks.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

And I won't be taking anything today.

'nough said by this girl.

[Vintersemestre]

Just in general LB, have you noticed that the days where you take the codeine pills are fewer than those where you don't? In my opinion anything (even going two weeks and caving) is better than just swallowing all the time, wouldn't you say?

[lostbutterfly]

Very full schedule today, after work as well and then AA meeting.

My sobriety habits, that have helped me:

I split my day up into parts, five to be exact. So I don't feel overwhelmed by the stuff I have to do in a whole day. I just focus on what I have to do for that part of the day.

I slow myself down. I'm very impatient. I will water to flow quicker.

I read somewhere that 90% of life is just showing up. This has been a gem for me. I always feel that I have to MAKE things happen. But actually, you just need to show up, and the things just happen on their own, as long as you do the next indicated thing.

I try to smile, even when I don't feel like it.

One thing at a time. This works everywhere, except where children are involved. I need some sort of ticket system, those ones where everyone takes a number and waits till they are called, lol!! I could use one at work too!!

Pretty much it, really. Will add running when my rib is all better. Just walking at the moment in my lunch break.

LB xx

[jane_668]

vintersemestre, I agree.Life is not always black and white. Sometimes it may takes us time but the importnat thing is not to quit trying because then we're really doomed.I myself sometimes feel embarrased to write about my struggles because I've been along tim member here.I feel that i should have get it by now but then I remember that I did indeed make a progress.i came to these boards at the age of 18 scared,confused and lost.All what i was longing for was blaming someone and make sure to get completely wasted to the extent that I wont remember it the next day.My old posts even showed that.I always expecited taht somehow I would end dead .Now can see a different person,someone who's looking at the bright side.I quit the pity party and that by itself is something to be proud off.The program says progress rather than perfection and LB you're making progressing just by adding more clean days to your life.Nobody ever said that we shouldnot keep fighting.You're strying struggling because you're trying to break free from this addiction or else you'd have been on the streets using.There's no shame in trying.keep on moving in the right direction and you'll only experience good stuff.Trust me on that.
love
Jane

[lostbutterfly]

Originally Posted by Vintersemestre

Just in general LB, have you noticed that the days where you take the codeine pills are fewer than those where you don't? In my opinion anything (even going two weeks and caving) is better than just swallowing all the time, wouldn't you say?

They are way less, Vinter (welcome back btw!!) Missed u!

I gave up smoking with a pack of cigs in the house the whole time. Just for emergencies. I'm not pretending, for one minute, that opiates are the same thing. They have a whole different pull on me.

But when I think, I couldn't get thru my working day without taking them.

I'll be honest, I want the days back when I just took them for fun, not necessity.

[Jane63]

(((LB))) I like your list of sobriety habits and especially the part about splitting up your day (I need to try that!) and smiling!!

I think it is very important to try to smile and laugh as much as we can! Laughing is sooo theraputic!! Sometimes I will search YouTube videos just to find something to give me a giggle!

I'll be honest, I want the days back when I just took them for fun, not necessity.

Ohh, IF ONLY!!!
But of course we know that doesn't work, does it? One pill becomes two, two becomes three and so on...then we are freaking because we're about to run out! (and that's defnitely not fun!)
I have to remind myself often of "the cycle of maddness" or I'd be in big trouble!!
((HUGS)) Hope you have a good and not too stressful day!!

((jane)) I still follow your posts and am so proud of the progress you have made! You sound so much more positive now and empowered!!
Keep up the great work!!

((HUGS))
Jane

[lostbutterfly]

Here's another one from Ananda on newcomers:

Keep your mind where your hands are. My mind is always dashing off on little fantasies of it's own. Even when I'm sober, I do my best to escape reality.

[lostbutterfly]

Originally Posted by lugnut

Now you know its not nice to lump us men into one little line lol


How you doing today? Glad your clean! Hope tomorrow goes a little easier for you!

Lugs, guinea pigs make your average bloke look frigid!!! Really, they are on another level entirely. Four weeks old, and you have to remove them from their mommy and sisters. It's frightening!

[jane_668]

Ok sorry for the last post.I was at work and I didnot have the chance to edit or review what I wrote.

Jane,thanks.This means a lot to me.

LB- How are you doing?

[lostbutterfly]

Small family crisis. My ex-husband, the father of my teenage twins, is currently on a ventilator in intensive care in a hospital in Beijing. His daughter from his previous marriage is going out there because they said someone should be with him.

Next 6 hours is crucial. The hospital is beautiful, better than anything he could have here. But obviously, we're worried, my kids are really upset. He is a heavy smoker, high-functioning alcoholic, and like an eejit, went out there when he was very ill with flu. Now has very bad pneumonia, that isn't looking good.

I know he's an ex, but we are kind of fond of each other. Just not entirely successful in the same house!! And he has always been good to us financially, emotionally. He really supported me when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Etc, etc. He's been good, he is loved by us, and I don't want to lose him.

[Vintersemestre]

Smoking is something I'm tackling as we speak, got the patches but I'm following a very slow tapering program that involves intricate patch cutting and accurate measuring and stuff, but I think it'll be a lot more successful this way. The steps between the three patches are just too big.

[lostbutterfly]

Originally Posted by Vintersemestre

Smoking is something I'm tackling as we speak, got the patches but I'm following a very slow tapering program that involves intricate patch cutting and accurate measuring and stuff, but I think it'll be a lot more successful this way. The steps between the three patches are just too big.

I chewed that very foul chewing gum nicotinell. It certainly sorted the cravings out with the added bonus of making you feel sick if you chewed it for too long!!!

Do you know, now I can go out and smoke for a night and then not touch it again till the next time. Especially when I was drinking. And clubbing - could smoke 2 packs a night easy then.

(now if I could just achieve the same thing with pills ... !!)

Right, off to find cheap flights to Beijing. If the worst happens, I want my kids to be able to say goodbye to their dad.

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

Next 6 hours is crucial... and I don't want to lose him.

for both him and you.

[Impurrfect]

(((LB)))

Sending prayers to the ex, you and the kids. It's got to be hard, being so far away.

I just found out cigarettes are going up 60 cents a pack, so guess I'll be quitting pretty soon. It would be easier if I WANTED to quit, instead of HAD to, but knowing it's bad for me, smells awful, etc. just hasn't been enough, yet. Being too expensive? yeah, that's enough.

Last time I tried to quit, I ate everything in sight AND was a royal b***ch. How the heck are you supposed to wait tables, and get good tips when you want to kill everyone?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy