Codeine Chronicles Part II

[stone]

Hi John, I think LB answered you well. The founders of AA would be happy if they knew that people didn't have to hit such a low bottom in order to quit.

I would only add that if you listen to every crackpot in AA and think that is AA's message then you are going to struggle.

Just cos they are in AA doesn't mean you have to pay attention to them.

[19years]

Thanks for your replies. I appreciate you taking the time

I have improved during the day (my head)

Rang an old timer who gave me some good advice.

My mate who did the main share rang tonight and said "How's your head?" They know me well.

"I must practice the bit in the just for today card that says " Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself"

Another book I dusted off today is "you can't make me angry" by Dr Paul O
Who is long dead, but is the Dr addict alcoholic in the big book.

Anyway stayed clean and sober so something is working

John

[stone]

That just for today card is great. You don't even have to do them all today, it depends how much you can do.

Just pick one or two and try to do them all you can. DO NOT feel bad if you can't do it all at once. Do all you can. Each moment, just do your best.

[lostbutterfly]

That one 19 years picked from the "just for today" card is about my favourite one.

Back from the pub, nice and early as it is a school night - and drunk people are really boring when you are sober, lol!!! I didn't embark on my "just one drink" experiment, largely due to my very low success rate with this experiment in the past!

[Impurrfect]

Way to go ((LB))!! I know what you mean about being around drunks when you're sober. Since I work the late night shift at my restaurant, I get to serve the "drunk and disorderly" on weekends. Some aren't so bad, some are actually cool, others, I want to duct tape their mouths and kick them out the door.

I went to pick up my friend from our other restaurant and take her home, last night. As we were leaving, she saw a car being followed by the police...said the girl had gone through her drive-thru, was totally drunk and couldn't figure out the drive-thru? It was pretty obvious she was going to be pulled over and her night was not going to be a good one. I was just glad it wasn't me, and I don't have to worry about that stuff today.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

I kept waking up last night with my head spinning, just like I had been drinking. It was so real, and so strange. But it was really nice to not wonder what I did last night.

[lostbutterfly]

20 days today, and I wish I could say I feel great, but I ache all over, my digestion is odd (it would even give Windy something to think about!) and I have zero appetite. I don't feel right.

On I trudge!!! (and thanx everyone!)

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

On I trudge!!!

[jane_668]

Way to go LB!!!!!!20 days ,you're doing great.

[emmer]

LB , im pullin for you.

[mumbai78]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

But it was really nice to not wonder what I did last night.

One of the most scary things about my drinking days was getting up in the morning and not knowing what i did or said last night. I'd rush to check my cell to see if i called or msged smoeone something stupid while i was ****** up.

[Impurrfect]

((LB))

Way to go on 20 days!!!

Stepmom got some cough syrup with codeine in it yesterday, and I thought of you. Of course, she's already taking a boat load of lortab, so she's a real mess. Yes, she has the flu and an upper respiratory infection, but she's not doing anything healthy to help herself. She's an addict and she's just wanting something to make her feel better.

So right now, she's doped up on the couch...wheezing so loud I can hear her from the other end of the house.

It makes me VERY happy to come here, and see that you are doing well! I know how strong the lure of this stuff is, but I'm really happy that someone I care about is not giving into it!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[19years]

Well done LB

I'm drink free from June 08 and codeine free from 20th Feb 09. So 2 weeks clean. We can do it together!!!!!

John

[19years]

Oh yeah New serenity prayer I read for the issue I had at meeting last Monday;

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one that I can,
and the wisdom to know it's me.

The other bit I read and learnt from it was;

"Why should my happiness be affected by what's going on in someone else's head"

John:ghug

[lostbutterfly]

That prayer is really relevant to something I'm going thru at the moment.

My ex-boyfriend is dying of alcoholism. He's been given months to live, unless he can stop drinking, and even then, not sure it is reversible. He was the love of my life, but also a bit of an a$$hole at the end. Also the father of my youngest child.

Now, I really feel the need to just say goodbye. Not in a big soppy sort of way (he is with another woman now) more in a British, shake hands, have a good trip to the other side, sort of a way!

I'm worried I'm being co-dependant, but at the same time, if I go to his funeral (I will take our daughter) I think I will feel terrible if I hadn't at least made some sort of contact before he died.

I suppose part of me feels like I wasn't there for him. He kicked a 7 year heroin habit when we first got together and I had no clue what it was like to be an addict (altho, I do now, lucky me!)

[Sugah]

LB, first, I'm sorry that you're losing someone who was a large part of your life, and I'm sorry that your child is losing a father. It's the harsh truth of this disease: chronic, progressive and fatal, if not arrested in time.

Lots of prayer coming your way. If I were in your shoes, I'd want to do the same thing. I had a very tumultuous relationship with my father, and even though I was 3 1/2 years sober when he died, I still had trouble spending more than 15 minutes in the same room with him. We were, however, able to make peace at the end.

Lots of prayers, sister.

Peace & Love
Sugah

[Impurrfect]

(((LB)))

More hugs and prayers coming your way, sweetie!

[lostbutterfly]

Thanx. It's not an easy thing, especially being the codie I am.

I have a morning prayer, where I ask God to manage me and my life. I've resigned from the position!! And if there was no God, and no-one is managing my life, that would still be a vast improvement from the idiot whose been in charge so far!

Whenever I say that prayer, a huge weight lifts off me, like I've handed it all over. And when things get tough or a bit chaotic during the day, I remember that I'm not in charge and it's OK.

[Impurrfect]

(((LB)))) - I know what you mean about the weight being lifted off your shoulders when you realize you don't have to be in charge any more. I can drive myself crazy with the "what if's" and have to just stop and remind myself I don't have a crystal ball and about the only thing I have control over is me.

I still slip, every now and then, but I'm better at getting back on track.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

I suppose part of me feels like I wasn't there for him.

Before I type this, I need to put some cotton in my ears because otherwise I might hear it and have to listen to what I'm going to say. (Okay... done).

LB, have you prayerfully considered that you might have been there for him when you were meant to be there and, as things in life changed, a time came when it was someone else's turn?

Realizing something such as this is what I think the "wisdom to know the difference" part of the Serenity prayer can be.

Before I close, I have to say (oops...cotton out) you're doing great

[lostbutterfly]

I hear what you are saying Chris. I know I was there for him as much as I could be with what I knew at the time. I did my best with what I had.

And altho I have a natural desire to want to "fix" him, it really isn't up to me, it isn't my job, and even if it was, it is way beyond my abilities as a mere human being!

For my own sake, my own mental health, I need to just make some kind of contact before he goes. My motives are entirely selfish!!

[christin1225]

Original post on topic:

Now, I really feel the need to just say goodbye. Not in a big soppy sort of way (he is with another woman now) more in a British, shake hands, have a good trip to the other side, sort of a way!

I'm worried I'm being co-dependant, but at the same time, if I go to his funeral (I will take our daughter) I think I will feel terrible if I hadn't at least made some sort of contact before he died.

Most recent reply:

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

For my own sake, my own mental health, I need to just make some kind of contact before he goes. My motives are entirely selfish!!

LB,
I see absolutely nothing "wrong" or selfish about this aspect of your original post. I think that it's wonderful and might even be an opportunity for healing for both of you. (My reply was intended to apply only to the aspect of the post that I had quoted). I'll pray for you, your daughter, and your ex.

[lostbutterfly]

Where is Christin?

Well day 25 and I feel so much better physically.

I'm tempted to worry about the future because of the economy and such. It is hard not to, but if I keep it in the day, then I can't worry about it. Because just for today, I still have a job and we still have a home.

Raising teenagers is a real challenge to serenity, that's for sure. My daughter is so much like me, she has all the same character defects. We drive each other crazy, but I'm trying to see my part in it each time, and try not to do it again.

I feel better this time round, in my head. I've been a lot better at staying in touch with my HP. Just remembering that I'm not in charge. And when things get tough and I feel the urges coming on, I bring it back to 10 minutes at a time. Some days I have to do that at a lot, some days not so much.

LBx

[lostbutterfly]

It is funny looking at my last post and realising how wild my mood swings are!!

I am craving alcohol like nobody's business. I spent time last night thinking about how maybe I over-reacted going to AA, I'm not really an alcoholic - I just need to drink every day and was plotting how I could start drinking at work. And that's exactly where I would take it up if I was to start again.

I've forgotten how alcohol had to make me feel to get me through those doors - I'm chronically shy and quite determined to do everything on my own, in my own way. So for me to go to an AA meeting was terrifying, but the prospect of carrying on the way I was was more frightening.

It's so easy to forget. Anyway, I have a meeting tonight. And I'm sure once alcohol leaves my craving thoughts, another drug will take it's place. They are forming an orderly queue in my brain, so they all take turns!

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

I am craving alcohol like nobody's business.

((LB))

That was me last week and I ended up abusing my suboxone. Don't hesitate to call your AA ladies. Early last week, I would have said that my slip taught me that I can't do this without support. This morning (after finally sleeping), I realize that I've been depressed the past two days because my head is fighting as hard as it can to tell me that if I just taper off the suboxone, I don't have an addiction problem. Two posts back, you asked where Christin is... she always seems to find herself back at the starting line, mentally.

I'm so glad to see your thread on the first page again.

Another thing that I'm struggling with is keeping alcohol in reserve. I wrote about it on my blog. Still, I haven't resolved it and, every morning that I go to an AA meeting and won't introduce myself as an alcoholic, I'm confronted with the dilemma. It's a great AA group and, aware of my struggles, they know it too.

Hold tight, LB. I'm sure someone will come along and say, "this too shall pass." I wish that I could, but we're supposed to share from experience and I tend to choose to fall on my face instead of allowing the temptation to pass. That's why I'm so encouraged when you make forward strides.

You are doing soooooo good!!!!!