Codeine Chronicles Part II

[Shellslove]

Lost - are you still taking the pills daily? If so is it a specific amount - and have you set a solid plan of action and absolute goal as to when you will be off them? I think until you do that the anxiety is going to be overwhelming!


.....oh geez, duh!!!! I'm sorry you said 13 days....I'm a shaky mess these days, and thoughts are scattered, sorry Lost! So, that's great...so 13 days no pills at all? I know the anxiety has been bad -- how is the physical stuff for you?

[Shellslove]

[christin1225]

Lost,

You're doing great to hang in there! I'm mostly feeling flat myself, with the exception of some simmering anger (of unknown origin), disgruntled disappointment (because of the way that I'm feeling), and a little bit of pissed-off impatience (just because and because... Ahh! Screw it! Who cares why... it's just there). It's good to the hear the resolve in your attitude in spite of things being far from ideal right now. Thanks for posting.

(It may not help, but it never hurts.)

[Impurrfect]

(((LB))) - Good for you on the 13 days!!

I don't know if you're the praying type, but this is what I had to do. When I got clean from the crack, I knew I HAD to do it, but wasn't real happy about it. Kinda stupid, now that I think about it, as life on crack was pretty bad, but what can I say?

Anyway, I had to pray "let me be WILLING to not want this crap any more". Because I wasn't even willing to not want it, if that makes sense. I guess it's that whole acceptance thing. I knew that when I accepted I was an addict, I would get past the point of wanting it all the time. Well, I wasn't anywhere near accepting it yet.

So I said that prayer every time crack entered my brain, which was a lot. Amazing, it didn't take long until either the prayer worked (most likely) or I just got tired of thinking about it all the time and gave in to my next prayer, which was "please take the crack thoughts away"....now that I was willing.

I don't know if this makes much sense, but it's what worked for me...I was one hard-headed, stubborn-as-a-mule crackhead. I came into recovery, kicking and screaming, but I knew I had to do it.

Honestly, I rarely think about crack. I DO, however, still have times when I want to be NUMB...yesterday, for example. I just came here, e-mailed a good friend, from here, talked to another supportive friend, and the thoughts went away.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[emmer]

wow 13 days! ..your an inspiration !! ((LB))

I feel almost like I was asleep for 3 months and now I'm waking up, and its a good feeling.

Keep chugin away and keep posting.............your doing great!

[christin1225]

Anyway, I had to pray "let me be WILLING to not want this crap any more". Because I wasn't even willing to not want it, if that makes sense.

I don't know if this makes much sense, but it's what worked for me...I was one hard-headed, stubborn-as-a-mule crackhead. I came into recovery, kicking and screaming, but I knew I had to do it.

Amy,
I didn't quote all of your post ('though it was excellent!) because I want to address only the question of whether or not your post makes sense. Yes, it makes sense. Every letter of every word makes absolute, perfect sense.

I think that LB would agree.

[Impurrfect]

Thanks ((Christin)) - I think my biggest hurdle to acceptance was the fact that once I accepted I was an addict, I knew I wouldn't be able to numb my feelings again...and I just wasn't ready to face that. I'd done it my whole life, with one thing or another (starting with food as a kid).

I was told to "stay in today", but that was hard. I learned about praying to be "willing to do what I was resisting" from some good old-timer's in AA. Now, when I find myself resisting something, or hitting a brick wall, I start off with the "willing prayer". So far, it's worked...I'll have 2 years on March 9th

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

Restless, irritable and discontent - that is the way the AA big book describes alcoholic's when they are not drinking. I'm the pill equivalent of a dry drunk.

Funnily enough, last night's meeting had a lot of prayer talk, and I did go on my knees this morning, just to ask God to manage my life, coz lord know's, I'm not doing too spectacular a job myself!

I listened to grown men with years of sobriety sharing how they physically go on their knees every morning. So if they have to do it, so do I.

Lol, Amy - I'm kicking and screaming all the way too. Talk about stubborn as a plank!

[jane_668]

LB- woooooooow 13 days.I am soo happy for you......That's great news.

[emmer]

Wow LB, that was one powerful post! Good for you!!
............God is always willing to helps us addicts

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by emmer

God is always willing to helps us addicts

Yep! And as long as we're sober today, he has something to work with (or something like that). Right, Sugah?

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by christin1225

Yep! And as long as we're sober today, he has something to work with (or something like that). Right, Sugah?

[lostbutterfly]

Three dancing smilies !!! Hmmmph - no-one's every given me three dancing smilies, lol!

Crisis of the day - my petrol cap won't open on my car and I am nearly in the red on the petrol guage. Thank goodness I didn't do my usual of waiting for the guage to be on red for days and days before filling up. Then I really would have been up a creek without a paddle.

And I was close to home when I found out as well so I could make it back. I hate modern cars with all the computer chips and stuff. I've got this remote control thing that locks and unlocks everything, so when things go wrong, I don't have a clue.

I'm trying to practice my serenity!! Ha, ha!! Can you be serene with steam coming out your ears?!

[Impurrfect]

((LB)) I don't know about steam and serenity, but I know that serenity and pms do NOT co-exist in my little world. I really should be placed in isolation one week of every month. I'm trying to practice my serenity, too, but so far, even the cats are avoiding me!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

Three dancing smilies !!! Hmmmph - no-one's every given me three dancing smilies, lol!

Now someone has! You're doing great LB and you deserve them! Besides, you always encourage me. I'd give you four if I knew how.

[lostbutterfly]

Aw, thanx Christin! Actually, I don't think SR lets you post more than 3 smilies. I tried making a little cartoon strip of them once to cheer someone up - took ages - and the darn thing wouldn't post!

Amy - so true regarding pms!! I guess that's one of the things we can't change! Actually, on a serious note, and for any girls reading, for me it is the most likely time for me to relapse, if I don't realise why I'm feeling so bad! If I know why, and I know it will be over in a few days, I can handles it (sort of, lol!)

[Shellslove]

oh my goodness, same here w/the pms ladies. It took me such a long time to pinpoint that it was the same time each month that I felt achy, feverish and out of my mind, ready to pull my hair out! In the early stages of recovery, I didn't relate this to pms and couldn't see that there was a pattern to feeling 5-hitty and my biotchy behavior! I agree, that I was definetly more vulnerable to relapse before I realized this -- and even now I have to be patient with myself and let myself feel like a bloated hog that no one wants to be around for a week. I accept it and allow it - he!! I embrace the Beetch when I need to-- harness it and use it to my advantage!

LB - do you have something equivalent to AAA on your side of the pond? Basically a 'club' where you pay a yearly membership fee and they assist you with any and all roadside emergencies, etc? Comes in handy EVERY time I lock my keys in the car or run out of gas Hey - I can always blame it on pms!!!

[Sugah]

Well, I tried, though they seem to be pausing, waiting, perhaps, for the next song?



Peace & Love,
Sugah

[lostbutterfly]

They are in suspended animation Sugah.

Shellslove, ours is called AA, funnily enough. Obviously like yours, but without the "American" bit at the front to make the third A. I am a member, and have used their services extensively - I think they would like to get rid of me, as I am costing them money, lol!!

I just blame all my stupid car-related things on the fact that I am female - men seem to understand that excuse completely!!!

[stone]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

men seem to understand that excuse completely!!!

We do.

[lostbutterfly]

Talk about one of those days. The garage had to saw thru the lock of that silly French car to get the petrol cap open. So now I have a petrol cap that won't lock, but at least I can put petrol in the car!!!

We also have some VERY difficult customers from London, that drive me bananas, but I am trying to remember that this is an opportunity to practise and improve my patience!! lol!!!

[19years]

Been clean now from booze for 8 months and codeine for a couple of weeks.

Lots of meetings NA and AA and really listening and feeling spiritual and good. Doing the just for today card bit about not critizing or finding fault with anyone or anything.

Last night at AA my mate of 16 years sober did main chair on tradition 3 "Only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking". It goes on about how the old timers would not let people in until they had hit rock bottom etc

He said something like he was glad they had changed there minds and let any one in who wanted to stop drinking.

Some S.....t had a right go at him saying awful stuff about how his share, it was awful and we shouldn't be there unless we were real alcoholics etc Compltely mad stuff but spiteful and hateful.

I am a 51 yr old man and sat at the back of the room and sobbed. I used to here this stuff 10 - 15 years ago and stopped going to meetings and it nearly killed me. I know 99% of people in room felt the same way as me One old timer said there must have been somthing in the coffee.

I got good advice at end of meeting about how he has got issues other than alcoholism etc.

Today I feel sad and let down, by what, I don't know. Maybe my 8 year old emotions in a 51 yr old body!! I will go back to meetings.

Any advice as to how others deal with these issues.

I have prayed for him and me to day and am trying to let it go

John

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by 19years

Any advice as to how others deal with these issues.
I have prayed for him and me to day and am trying to let it go

((19years))
It seems to me that you have the answer and that you are doing exactly what you need to do. The only thing left to do is to repeat tomorrow what you've done today and then repeat it the day after that and the next day and ...

You are doing awesome! Have you considered calling an AA member to let them know that you feel down? Then, maybe share your story with them as you have shared it with us. You may just need to be reminded that as much as you need meetings, your presence and your experience helps others who are in attendance. Your commitment to keep attending the meetings and not to allow someone to make you hide your light has encouraged me.

[christin1225]

Frozen smilie dancers?! We can't have that!

Let the music begin!


(We have a dance party of smilies):



(And their twins dancing near them):



And they're doing it all just on LB's thread!

Have a wonderful & clean day, LB! I hope that I've brought a smile to your face. You often bring one to mine. XXOO

[lostbutterfly]

Our old timers are just very strict about the singleness of purpose thing. Altho they do say people's bottom's are much higher now. In those days, relapse usually meant death, because people were so far gone when they came into the rooms.

And I know us alkies coming in today are healthier and haven't lost as much as they had in the old days - but don't they think that was what Bill W would have wanted - for alcoholics and addicts not to go thru those last terrible months or years. To get out while they still have their homes, jobs and families?

I must say, I always let the rants of old-timers slide - at the end of the day, if it wasn't for them and AA, I would still be drinking, and I was sliding pretty fast. I can see why you are upset tho. Like you say, good practice for learning to let things go!!

I think sometimes they feel some people still go out and mess around with alcohol, because they haven't hit their bottom yet. Tonight, I'm going out to the pub for someone's birthday, and I'm absolutely convinced that I can handle "just one" drink. Where the f*ck did that idea come from? I've never had "just one" drink in my life!!