Codeine Chronicles Part II

[Impurrfect]

((LB)) - at the end of my using days, I'd had enough clean time that using couldn't erase reality enough. It's like what they say...a little bit of recovery can screw up your high At least, it did for me.

I've done fine with the cough syrup. My stepmom has gone over the edge with her pain pills again. She fell out in the bathroom, last night...high as a kite. I got her pills out of her purse..she had gotten 100 lortab 10 mg's on the 31st...she's already taken 50 of them. I called dad, he was on his way home.

I took the pills out of her purse, to give to dad but before I could, he went to sleep. She came in to get her pills, started screaming at me, coming after me (this is a 62-year-old woman who can barely move because of pain from arthritis). I started yelling for dad, to get her off of me, she's screaming "they're MY pills, I paid for them, my dr. gave them to me!!" I said "yeah, but he didn't tell you to take 10 a day!!"

I gave them to dad, he was going out of town again today and told her he would leave her with 2...she had a look of pure panic. He's already left for the day, I don't know what he did about the pills, and I don't even want to talk to her. Yes, I know she's an addict, but after she got arrested 2 months ago for trying to fill a fraudulent prescription, she begged me for help. I told her I'd tried to help before, she never listened to me.

She scared the he!! out of my 15-year-old niece, Brit. Brit wanted to call an ambulance and I had to say "oh, she does this when she takes too many pills". Now Brit's mad at her, stepmom is groaning from pain, and I've just had it!

One VERY good reminder of why I don't want to take any more than what is prescribed on my cough medicine!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[jane_668]

It is a struggle to stay in reality when you can ease the whole thing so very easily. If only the drugs would work more than a week! And you do land up just being unhappy, just the whole cycle of it all.

LB- How do you ease the whole thing.IMHO,if I had one problem and decided to use then my problems end up multiplied by 5.The last time I used I crashed my car.Every time I relapse my using gets worse and more out of control. I am so sick of the chaous and mess.I couldnot even plan a single day because I'd never know wether I'd be too high or too depressed from a wd.You just have to hang in.You have to ride though it all.There's nothing else you can do.I always said next time would be better and let me use now and then tomorrow I'll start all over again.It's the same vicious circle we all go through it.

Amy, I am glad to know that you're not tempted to take more.It's just that being around pills is a very bad idea especially with your stepmom abusing pain meds.It's not a healthy environment for recovery .

[Impurrfect]

((Jane)) - oh I know, it's not a healthy environment, but it's the same one I've been in for most of my recovery. Stepmom has always had bottles of pain meds, muscle relaxers..whatever she can get her hands on. She used to try to give them to me, until I told her to knock it off, enough times.

That's why when things get bad around here, I stay in my room, on my laptop with SR

I do appreciate the concern, but if all this has done anything, it has strengthened my recovery. I remember when drugs was all I could think about, and I have no desire to go back to that life. I will do whatever's necessary to make sure I don't go back there.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[hopeful62]

I was able to use cough medicine a few times during my time of sobriety. It was a reminder of how much I LOVED opiates. It didn't send me on a run that time, but later when I got out of the confines of marriage/children/stressful job, I jumped back into addiction. I never forgot that opiates was the love of my life, and I wanted any excuse to use again. I thought that since I controlled my use of cough medicine, I could control my pain pill use. And I could, in the beginning.

I don't think it has to end like that. Be aware, and have someone who will let you know when you're lying to yourself.

Impurrfect, shame on Dad for subjecting you and your cousin to this abuse. My (100% clean non addict) partner was raised in an abusive addict household (clean codep father, prescription drug abusing mother), and even in his 50s (and a lifetime of scholarly study about codeps along with therapy) the scars remain. Good for you, to use it to confirm your sobriety. That's what my partner did; never used, never abused alcohol. Even now he has a problem taking (non-narcotic) meds for a serious health condition because of his association of prescription drugs with drug addicts.

LB, you're obviously a wonderful woman, and I think that addicts are particularly special and sensitive (one of the reasons we use). I admire your constant struggle to get/stay clean. I went into rehab several times, but finally got clean. You keep trying, it'll happen. Promise!

[lostbutterfly]

Thanx for the encouragement. Boss let me go home early and bought me flowers because I looked so ill (guilt!!) I must say, he is astonished at the amount of cases of colds and flu I get! All w/d induced!

That story about your step-ma, Amy, is that ever an incentive to get off this shite. I so don't want to be a 60 y/old woman behaving like that. Not that I don't feel for her, I do. When you described the fear and panic in her eyes when you took her pills away ... my heart melts (which is why I'm the perfect codie!). But addicts are right pains in the a$$, lets be honest! Aren't we?!

Last nights meeting was about atheists coping with trusting in God etc. Something (even tho I'm not an atheist) I have real trouble doing. But a few things were said, like: "All you need to know about God, is that there is one, and you're not it!" and "Just tell yourself everyday - I'm not in charge". That is the sort of simple stuff I need!

[lostbutterfly]

Scrat and the madness that is addiction!!

[lostbutterfly]

Much as I love Haystaks "My first day" he should change that to "My first week".

[Impurrfect]

((LB)) I've been a codie for a long, long time, but have worked hard to get past it. I do love and care for my stepmom, but, right now, I am still very angry with her.

She is the legal guardian of my niece, Brit, who is her granddaughter. Brit's mom died, at age 18, in a car wreck. Brit's dad is a addict, whose DOC is whatever he can get his hands on. He's been in/out of jail/prison most of Brit's life. Though Brit loves dad and I, too, it is not the same as stepmom.

She was absolutely terrified, the other night, when she thought stepmom had had a stroke, or something. I think she's had enough to deal with!

I've decided to step back from this situation. I realized, on the way home from work, that I was seriously wanting to get NUMB! This is NOT something I need to be thinking about, and is a huge red flag that I am working on oterhs' issues, instead of my recovery.

First things first...I need some sleep

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

My little girl's dad sounds a lot like Brit's dad. Altho he had a preference for heroin, otc opiates and alcohol. I really loved him, but I was the ultimate codie - I didn't have a clue I was doing it. It was only reading stuff on SR, actually, that made me realise I was. I have to work every day to keep my distance.

It was us splitting up that triggered the whole pill/booze thing. I really didn't care, for the first time in my life, where it would take me. And if it wasn't for my kids, I probably still wouldn't. But, we gotta grow up sometime!!

Sleep well Amy!

LB x

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

Scrat and the madness that is addiction!!

Lost,

Thanks for this! I've never cared much for Ice Age but also never saw this poor creatures obsession with his nut as addiction. OMG... I'd laugh if it wasn't so sadly pathetic... put an "M" on one side of that nut and an 05/32 and you've got the current antics of Scrat-Christin.

I hope that you are feeling better. I think of you often.

[christin1225]

Hey, my friend, LB...

This thread was all the way on page two! I realize that you've been posting on some other threads lately, but I've become accustomed to having this thread handy to click onto for encouragement and for an update as to how you are doing.

So... how are you today?

[lostbutterfly]

Hi Christin. Yes, I had a small depressive crisis. You, Sugah and Amy were right about the a/d's. I'm back on them now, but they will take a while to work. I can't see the point of a pill that doesn't give you some kind of feeling. But do I ever feel awful without them. Another misguided LB experiment!!

I have flu and I have been taking codeine with flu meds for it, but I haven't abused it. I have no idea why, except that I feel too ill, maybe. Just been taking my doses every four or six hours, a little more than what it says on the packet, but not enough to feel anything and nothing, but nothing compared to what I normally take.

Don't know whats going on there. I've even got a bottle of opiate linctus, and I've been measuring 5ml doses out of it when I used to drink the whole bottle! There is half a bottle laying about somewhere, and I haven't even looked at it since Friday, I think.

I must be really sick! Surrounded by opiates and zero desire take them all. How are you doing sweets?

LBx

[christin1225]

I must be really sick! Surrounded by opiates and zero desire take them all. How are you doing sweets?

Feeling very, very warm right now and I'm not the one who is playing with fire in this post. Oh... Lost, I believe that you were the one who posted that you can't take this stuff medicinally. I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well, but I'm afraid that you are fooling yourself with being able to take the opiates according to directions.

As far as anything else with me... I'm still working on something to get me straightened out. It's progressing, I think. Please, keep me in your prayers. I'll keep you in mine.

[lostbutterfly]

I know, I know. But I'm sick and I've got to keep going for my kids, got animals to look after. It has to wait.

I'm intrigued on what you are working on. But it sounds hopeful. I'm glad you're taking a positive step. You have got to pull out all the stops to leave this shite behind while you can. If you leave it too long, it isn't fun anymore, it isn't about feeling good anymore. It becomes all about not feeling bad and not feeling sick.

I'll tell you something, I believed until very recently, that when I really wanted to stop, I would be able to. And now I can't. I just feel so trapped by it. Can't live with it, I can't live without it. It is such a scary, lonely place to be.

I'm praying for both of us, and quite a few others as well!!

LB x

[Sugah]

LB, this is perhaps a cultural difference, but aside from medically determined bronchitis, codeine is not used here in the US in the same way that folks across the pond seem to use it--casually, it seems.

I can tell you that as an American who's had the flu and all sorts of other bronchial issues (I am, after all, a smoker), there's nothing in those conditions that require the use of codeine. I urge you to find something WITHOUT codeine. Otherwise, these casual self-diagnoses will continue to be "good reasons" to use.

Sister, you're playing with your life.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Sugah]

I know, I know. But I'm sick and I've got to keep going for my kids, got animals to look after. It has to wait.

I don't think you know. Very bluntly, that's a cop-out.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Impurrfect]

(((LB)))

I've gotta agree with Sugah on this one. I was a nurse for 12 years, and the ONLY thing I ever saw codeine prescribed for, other than pain, was bronchitis. The flu is a virus, and we didn't even prescribe medicines for it....rest, fluids, soup, ibuprofen for aches and pain.

Our minds will always find a reason to take our DOC. It's great that you're taking the codeine as directed, but it's not medically necessary, sweetie..you're just taking it to make you feel better. A "normal" person wouldn't even think of taking codeine for the flu. In all honesty I don't take anything for the flu, narcotic-wise. I didn't get the cough syrup for the bronchitis, until I had been coughing for 3 weeks, and had tried everything that normally works for me (lots of fluids, OTC meds, and rest).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[christin1225]

If you leave it too long, it isn't fun anymore, it isn't about feeling good anymore.

LB,

You may not be familiar with my earlier posts, but it was never about fun or even about "feeling good." It's been a nightmare from the beginning -- or so I thought that it was a nightmare -- until I woke up and realized that in trying to get out of my nightmare I had walked right into an opioid addiction. Now, I'm discovering what a nightmare is really like.

Please, LB, think seriously about tossing the codeine.

[lostbutterfly]

OK. Sorry. I don't know what is me and what is addict voice anymore. It just fixes me.

I've actually only taken it twice today, and the box says 3 times. I'm starting to feel I've turned a corner illness wise. It's left me very tired and weak, but I can live with that - I have a sit down job.

I remember Christin. In fact, it is the one thing that struck me about you, the way you fought this thing right from the start. You've never had a honeymoon, like most of us have. I guess I was talking more about me. It made life so, so easy, and now it makes life so, so complicated.

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

OK. Sorry. I don't know what is me and what is addict voice anymore. It just fixes me.

Sweetie, I don't think it's a matter of whether or not it works. It's where it leads you. Look back through your thread(s) and see where you had good reason to take it--and what happened. That you've taken it less than what's prescribed on the box is, I'd think, creating a false sense of security. For us, that's a dangerous, dangerous place to be.

I would imagine that because it's sold over the counter, it makes it harder to tell yourself it's a no-no. Once, when I was clean but still needed full-time care, I sent one of my caregivers to the store to get me something for a cold. She came back with a bottle of NyQuil (if you don't have it there, it's about 10% alcohol). This was at the end of her shift, and I was miserable--couldn't breathe through my nose, coughing my head off. So, I took a dose of it. Just one dose. Then I went to bed. When I woke up, my first thought was, "I need some more of that!" Thankfully, I recognized that voice and I promptly dumped the rest of it out.

There have to be some cold preparations sold over there that don't contain codeine?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[lostbutterfly]

I'm going to try an NA meeting on Thursday, instead of AA. But I'm really scared it won't make any difference. But, nothing to lose, except my last hope!

I have been practising letting go of stuff, remembering I'm not in charge. It's kind of a nice feeling. Peaceful. More peaceful than drug induced "peace".

Chucked the opiate tincture down the sink - surplus to requirements. And I shan't need all the rest of the pills I've got - I did stock up a bit. So most of them will get flushed before I feel well enough to take the lot!

Night. LB x

[lostbutterfly]

If it's personal Sugah, just ignore this, but what happened to you to put you in a wheelchair and need care and have you in chronic pain? Sounds like you've been to hell and back.

[Sugah]

It's not too personal.

Hmm... let me see...

I've had chronic pain conditions since I can remember. Went the rounds with my mother at all the leading medical centers when I was very young. I have symmetrical scoliosis (S curve), with some additional curve decreasing the distance between my spine and sternum. Over the years, the wedged discs and vertebrae have worn away.

Was diagnosed with fibromylagia when I was in my very early twenties, though I'd had symptoms since I was in my mid-teens (no one knew what it was before). A few years later, after the birth of my son, I was also diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. When I got pregnant with my daughter, it went into remission, though I've had symptoms coming back for the last year or so.

In 2000, I was in two auto accidents, both times, rear-ended while I sat in traffic. As a result of that and those deteriorating discs in my back, I kept pinching my sciatic nerve. I started having nerve blocks to deal with it, and during the third one, the doctor slipped. The catheter, instead of being threaded into my spinal canal, hit my spinal cord. Aside from the immediate intense discomfort (understatement), it led to the development of RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy; also known as complex regional pain syndrome - CRSP) in both my legs. It's a pretty nasty neurological disease which, for reasons doctors are unable to explain, I've learned to manage quite well. I've heard stories of people having amputations to try to deal with the pain.

That's about it. I'm far more active than any docs ever thought I could be. Glory be to the Great Spirit!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

P.S. Good on you for dumping that icky, icky stuff!!!

[Sugah]

Oh... duh. You asked why I was in the chair! The RSD put me in the chair. The God of my understanding and a little stubbornness on my part got me back out!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[christin1225]

Chucked the opiate tincture down the sink

And I shan't need all the rest of the pills I've got - I did stock up a bit. So most of them will get flushed

Hey, luv...
If your plumbing in the UK is even half as good as the pluming in the US -- the toilet can handle all the pills (not just most of them) without clogging!