Codeine Chronicles Part II

[christin1225]

I'm going to ask her if she is going to NA as well as AA, just to see how she is coping with dealing with the two things together.

Sounds like a really good idea, LB

I hardly think of alcohol at all, but there is not an hour that goes by that pills don't pop into my head.

REALLY? A whole SIXTY MINUTES goes by?! **heavy sigh** This stuff sucks, doesn't it? My prayers are going up for some more successful tapering for you today.

[Impurrfect]

((LB))

When I first had problems with the opiates, I went to AA. My sponsor was an alcoholic, but worked in the local treatment facility so was very familiar with addicts. I was steered toward other people who also had addiction issues...there were a lot of us.

I honestly didn't feel like I really fit in at AA or NA at first. Though I severely abused opiates when I had access to them (through work), as soon as I lost that access, I just quit...no withdrawals, no cravings, didn't care if I had them or not. Hadn't discovered crack yet, so when the main focus was on that at NA, I couldn't identify.

The only thing I COULD identify with, was at AA, when they would talk about how once you start, not having control to stop with "just one", so I held on to that. It took my sponsor, to get it through my thick head to start looking at the ways AA could work in ANY area of my life...not just with alcohol.

I'm glad you're still trying and that you've tapered down so much.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[19years]

Read the whole of this thread and identify 100%.

First AA meeting 19 years ago, hence my log in name. Many drinks meetings and treatments centres later, I now have 7 months sober.

I have struggled with pills of all sorts, but notably codeine for some years. I never took a pill prior to my first attempts at sobriety.

As lost butterfly said I never think of drinking. Codeine is a different matter and I have to be strong everyday and work my program.

Thanks for being here.

[lostbutterfly]

I'll never stop trying Amy. I think most addicts never stop trying, it's just some of us end on a relapse! To go down without a fight, no, we can't do that.

Wow, imagine not caring about opiates. I never tried crack, only coke, for the reason I thought it would take me down. Same reason for heroin. Altho it pops into my head that if I only smoked it ... etc, etc!

I think I've got flu - groan! Illness - that's the other trigger I'm not good with. I hope it's just w/d's, but everyone around me is so sick at the moment, I can't imagine I'm going to get away with it.

What dose are you on at the moment Christin? I was quite level for a while and last year it just shot up.

LB x

[lostbutterfly]

Hi 19years

7 months off pills? Wow, that's amazing. You're close to me, I'm near Cambridge. I love Norwich, it's beautiful. Do you go to NA meetings there, or has AA been enough?

I get the feeling AA could be enough if I was willing to let it be. Sometimes I think I put up unnecessary resistance to things.

[19years]

Been to both. Agree though, I think it's all the same program. It's actually working that program outside the rooms.

[emmer]

sorry i haven't been there for you lately LB.

I'm ashamed of waht i keep doing and dont feel very qualified to help someone steer cleal of codeine when I cant do it myself.

anything i can do via pm or whatever just let me know.

Joe

[lostbutterfly]

No worries Joe. I haven't exactly been steering clear myself. I know what you mean, how can you give any advice when you can't take advice yourself. I think I would do better to read and listen more and write and talk less!!!

19 years, it is about living the program, I agree. Old habits die hard, tho, thats for sure. But the days I do work at it, they are the very best days.

I didn't start my a/d#s again. It's so nice to feel again, that really deep, deep love for your kids that almost makes you cry, it's so intense. I lose the good feelings on them, and I can't say I feel that depressed without them. Stressed, p*ssed off sometimes, and even sad, but not depressed.

[christin1225]

What dose are you on at the moment Christin? I was quite level for a while and last year it just shot up.
LB x

I've ignored this question for a while, sorry LB. It's around 80-90mg (yesterday 95, but I'm hoping to keep track and limit it to around 70-75mg today). It seems harder to taper oxys than hydros. Even though they're pretty much the same drug, I find that the cravings are more often and are stronger with the oxys (all w/d issues aside). Then again, maybe that's just because I'm primarily taking the oxys right now and the "present" situation always seems to be the worse.

Please say a prayer for me, LB, for something that I'm trying to plan for near the end of the month. I need as many prayers as possible on my hehalf so that if all of hell arms itself against my plan, it will go forward. Thanks.

[christin1225]

I didn't start my a/d#s again. It's so nice to feel again, that really deep, deep love for your kids that almost makes you cry, it's so intense. I lose the good feelings on them, and I can't say I feel that depressed without them.

LB... I probably should have researched your old post before writing this -- but, I thought that when you were off the codeine for a couple/few weeks, you described yourself as feeling "depressed" and you were not on your a/d's. (Am I remembering incorrectly?) Could the pills be masking the depression at the moment? I'm just concerned for you, that's all.

I so much want to see you succeed in beating this thing, even if it means taking your prescribed a/d's. Best wishes for a good day for you!

[lostbutterfly]

Christin, I'm not very clued up on American meds, but I'm pretty sure oxy's are stronger than hydro's. And 80-90mg sounds like a pretty high dose of oxy's.

I know hydro's are stronger than plain codeine. Let me google, I shall be back!! As far as pain relief is concerned I found this table that says:

Hydro's are 6 x stronger than codeine
Oral Morphine is 10 x stronger than codeine
Oxy's are 15-20 x stronger than codeine (therefore stronger than oral morphine, but less strong than IV or IM morphine)

I'll pray for you Christin. You aren't alone in this.

[19years]

"Keep it Simple, Breath In- Breath Out, Don't drink or drug between Breaths."

I try the above, sounds pretty simple!!

[lostbutterfly]

I'm 75% there. Breathing, and not drinking - I've got that bit!

I'm just so, so tired of it all.

I bought an iPod nano with the money I used to spend in a week of drinking. Why can't I stop?

[lostbutterfly]

Just read that bit in the AA Big Book that describes all the ways we have tried to drink like normal people. And I've been running around in circles trying to do the same thing with pills.

Just taking them at work, or just taking them at home, or just on weekdays, or just on weekends. Or not as pills, but as opiate tincture. I did that for so long with alcohol, I just don't have the energy to do it all again with pills as well.

Someone on the alcoholic forum told me that pills are just solid alcohol. They were right. That's all it is. So saying I need NA meetings to kick them isn't really true. And it's not so different to a lot of alkies. Lots of people (the top-up drinkers) drank before work and at lunchtime and all afternoon, just like I take pills.

They know what it's like to not face reality for the full 24/7. And the top up drinkers just drank to survive, which is how I was taking the pills, just to survive, no high involved.

LB x

[Impurrfect]

(((LB)))

Sweetie, I'm sorry you're still struggling, but I'm glad to hear that at least you are realizing your own resistance to "why AA doesn't work for me with the pills" is just that..resistance...not much fact to it.

It breaks my heart to see you, Joe, and others so miserable in using, but not quite able to get to the point where you can/will give it up. I wish I could do it for you all, but I can't, so I will continue to send you all the hugs and prayers I can, and then some more.

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

Physically, I'm dying, but mentally or spiritually, I feel like the biggest weight just got lifted off me. I can see it now, how it can work. In fact, I feel pretty thick for not seeing it before.

Next meeting tomorrow evening. I'm dragging myself there if that's what it takes.

Thanks for being so patient.

LB x

[christin1225]

Thanks for being so patient.

Lost...

Thank YOU for being courageous enough to post when you have not been successful. It keeps those of us who can't seem to stop spinning ourselves in seemingly endless circles from thinking that there is no hope for us.

[19years]

I don't know if I read this or heard it in a meeting: but this is how I see AA/NA meetings in my head!!

We are all in a lifeboat , some are stronger than others. Some are rowing the boat. Some are just sitting around doing nothing. There is always one stood up at the front of the boat singing "Onward Christian Soldiers" and urging others to join us.

There are a few half in the boat and half out, hanging onto the sides. There are others in the water swimming like mad to catch up.

There are still others miles behind the boat just bobbing up and down making no effort at all.

Sadly there are others who drowned along the way and are no longer with us. I have seen many of these during my journey.

Some days I am hanging on. A lot of the time I am sitting around and every now and again I have a row!!

[lostbutterfly]

That made me laugh 19 years! Is there ever someone throwing a tantrum like a two year old because they want their pills?!!

I've just been to the chemist to buy lots of crap pills like paracetomol and sudafed etc coz I'm ill - when what I know will sort me out is half a pack of N+. This sux! I'm not giving in tho.

[lostbutterfly]

I've never wanted pills so bad just to make me well again. I've wanted them really badly for other reasons, but right now, I just want to be well.

I'm going to a meeting through the ice and snow, it will last long enuff for the chemists to be shut when I get out.

[Impurrfect]

(((LB)))

I had to laugh at the visual of the rowboat...with all the various people 19years mentioned, and a 2-year-old throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of it...."but I want my pills, dammit!!!

Been there, done that, except with me, it was crack.

I'm glad to see you're breaking through you're own resistances. I'm sorry you're feeling like crap, but you've gotten through it before and you'll get through it again.

I thought of you, yesterday. I have bronchitis and have been coughing for weeks. The only cough medicine that works for me, has hydrocodone in it, and dr. prescribed it yesterday. My new insurance sucks and that stupid little bottle cost almost $60!

I'm taking it as prescribed and slept like a rock last night, since I wasn't coughing my head off! I'd put off going to my dr., trying to just tough it out. My dr. called me "hardheaded", and he's right. I know that this cough med will not trigger, in me, the "gotta have more" feelings, but I still don't like taking stuff that brings back "oh yeah, I remember this feeling" thoughts.

I'm grateful that I have respect for my disease, today. In the past, I would have been excited at the opportunity to get the medicine.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

Be careful Amy. You're nearly on two years, aren't you? Pour it down the drain if you feel it's getting out of hand.

I've always had a theory and it's probably crap, but it is my experience watching mates get hooked on serious drugs. There are those that like crack, and those that like smack (heroin).

The people I know with serious problems with those drugs, have all tried both. But some go to crack and some go to smack. I have always wondered if it is something to do with personality traits.

Like you, take or leave opiates, but crack took you down. My xbf, crack was his second favourite drug, but smack took him down for a while. And bv said something about opiate and alcohol abuse going together, and the smack heads I know use alcohol to get off smack, then smack to get off alcohol - I used to do it with codeine and alcohol - and round and round it goes.

I suppose it's just an extreme version of the upper vs downer thing. I wonder if anyone has ever studied it - why some people go for one and some people the other. Completely irrelevant, but I find that kind of thing interesting.

[Impurrfect]

actually, since I had been abusing opiates, XABF#2, who introduced me to crack, told me I wouldn't even LIKE crack as it was an "upper"...guess I proved him wrong, huh?

Hydrocodone actually makes me nauseous, now, so it's easy NOT to want the cough syrup. I'm just glad to not be coughing my head off...my ribs feel like someone's been beating me up with a baseball bat (sound familiar?)

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[jane_668]

Amy ,I'm sorry to hear that.I was in the same situation 16 days ago.I had a very bad case of flu and my eyes because so sensitive to light.I had to wear sun glasses indoors.This situation last for 13 days. Sneezing ,coughing ..Pls be careful with opiates.Sometimes our mind plays tricks without us even noticing that.I used to always wonder how the hell do I move from having 1 drink only to being on Tramadol again.Now I know that I was only trying to subsitute one addiction for another. Even the vitamin pills would trigger me .I noticed I had a pill issue rather than just Tramadol.I can't control pills.My doctor precribed xanax and I had to keep them at home so that I won't abuse them when I'm feeling anxious.And your almost2 years clean.yay.so cheer up girl.

LB- It breaks my heart to see you going through this gain.I sometimes don't post here because I was in your shoes.You remind me so much of myself.Sometimes when i feeling bad anything can tempt me to sue again.i jsut wnat you to know that I'm praying for you to find the peace you're looking for.i know you can do it.It's very hard but not impossible.You just have to keep trying .There's no shame in that.The only failure is when you stop trying.the program says progress rather than perfection.each time you'd change something it would be an improvement.At least that's how I see it.i don't care a damn for what people think or say.i know that I was trying hard enough and that I'm improving slowly.It make take some time for me to stay clean.I'm trying to be as realistic as possible.It's scares me to know that relapse is only one pill/drink away.I just have to keep my guards up.Sometimes I think why should I go through all of that instead of enjoying dru use like any junkie.the reason i couldnot quit trying was ebcause when I was using I wasnot any happier or life was easier.on the contrary half of my problems were sloved just be getting off drugs and the fantasy world I was living in.
Love
jane

[lostbutterfly]

It is a struggle to stay in reality when you can ease the whole thing so very easily. If only the drugs would work more than a week! And you do land up just being unhappy, just the whole cycle of it all.

Day 3, slept really well but still feel cr&p. How very exhausting this is.