Codeine Chronicles Part II

[lostbutterfly]

Yes, I guess if you want to stop taking pills, you've got to first, ummm, stop taking pills. D'oh!!

We'll see what happens. I am certainly all out of ideas!! Which maybe good, coz my ideas are usually shite. Like ... let's just take these on weekends. I can manage that!

[Impurrfect]

((Lea))

Sending you hugs and prayers!! If your kidneys rebelling is what it takes, then I'm glad they're "talking" to ya

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

Nearly done with Day 2 and I feel fine Amy. Bit drained and all the usual stuff, but it really isn't bad physically at all. And mentally, I'm doing OK too.

I used to have so little, materially, when my kids were small, coz of childcare etc. And I was way more grateful and happier then, than I have been the past few years.

I used to dream about having a job like I do now, where I get so much responsibility and stuff. I never thought anyone would trust me that much.

And now I have all this stuff and I'm just disatisfied the whole time. Altho getting better, coz I'm realising I could very easily lose the whole lot due to the economy. It really does help your state of mind to be grateful.

LB x

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

Nearly done with Day 2

So glad to hear it!

[lostbutterfly]

I'm feeling really angry. Not at anyone in the here and now, but people from the past. Crying angry. I appear to truly hate someone and it's not good for my state of mind. And I've tried doing that thing where you pray for someone like that, but I want to be physically sick when I do. I cannot even think the words, let alone say them.

Also, I banged my head on the car trunk lid, then went the wrong way down a one way street and then got stuck at a car park barrier. Very minor, but they made me cry - my poor kids thought someone had died!

But otherwise a lovely day!!! Oh, and a clean and sober one!

[TheWonkydonkey]

Hey

I keep forgetting you are fighting demons on 2 fronts. Well done LB. Really well done

[christin1225]

And I've tried doing that thing where you pray for someone ... I cannot even think the words, let alone say them.

I'll pray for them and for you, Lost. (I can't seem to sleep anyways.)

Also, I banged my head on the car trunk lid, then went the wrong way down a one way street and then got stuck at a car park barrier. Very minor, but they made me cry -

I'm so sorry -- but at this hour, they made me laugh.

But otherwise a lovely day!!! Oh, and a clean and sober one!

[Impurrfect]

When I was told to pray for someone I had really bad feelings about, and I had a hard time doing it, I started out by praying to be willing to pray for that person. Since my prayers are very informal, I would also just say "I've been told I should pray for ----, and I really don't want to, but here goes......". Now, I doubt it counts, when you do it, that way, but after a few times of doing it, I could pray for the person and feel good about it.

Sorry about the whack on the head, and traffic mishaps, but YEAH on the clean and sober day!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

I'm pure poison today. I am in so much inner turmoil, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I am trying to keep my mouth shut to keep the poison in, because surely tomorrow will be a better day.

I had the most !"£$%^&* night of my life. My legs, my arms, and my whole body got the squirms at 4am and that was it for the night. To be so tired and your body to not be able to lie still - it is some form of torture.

I tried to go for a run but my rib hurts if I breathe that deep. It was soooo hard to get thru the morning without caving. I did think of having a talk to my HP this time tho. It's the only thing standing between me and codeine.

I don't understand why everything is feeling bad now. Codeine has such a short half life, I would have expected to be feeling on the up and up by now. But I've got a feeling I've got another squirmy night ahead of me. Restless legs are so much worse than aches.

Shall try that Amy. And Christin, it made me laugh too when I read it back!!! And Wonkey, you are too, you know! Fighting two fronts. Just one front is stronger than the other.

I'm off to the supermarket, hope I don't hurt anyone who gets in my way!

LBx

[christin1225]

Lost,

I just want to encourage you to hold on and to keep it going.

I wish that I had more to give.

[Impurrfect]

((LB))

Hang in there, sweetie. The restless legs won't last forever. I know they're a pain in the a$$ while you've got them, but they're just another reminder of why you don't want to go back to the codiene, right?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

I think my daughter was hiding my pills last time I was taking them. I can't be sure, but I "lost" 2 half boxes. Now, I lose most things, but never pills. She shouldn't be the one looking out for me, it's all the wrong way round.

I can't wait for my rib to be healed enough to go running again. I promised myself that every week I'm clean, I'm putting the money towards getting an iPod nano, so I can download audio books for my long runs (they get real boring, mile after mile!).

At the moment, I've just got a little shuffle, so the chapters would come out in a random order, lol!!! Running was always my little hobby, just something I did for me, and it gave me a sense of achievement.

Night peeps (I hope!) Take care LB x

[lostbutterfly]

I might not be on for a while, my home computer has done something, not sure what. But it'll be a while before I can get a new one and I can't come on at work very much. Frowned upon!!

So I won't be able to ramble to quite the same extent, but I shall see you soon, and thank you!

LB xxx

[christin1225]

I promised myself that every week I'm clean, I'm putting the money towards getting an iPod nano,

I really like the reward tactic! I hope it helps with motivation (although after reading your next post, I'm afraid that the reward may need to be new computer instead of an iPod).

Here's to hold you over until you can get on-line again.

[Impurrfect]

((LB))

Dang, sorry about the computer!!

Just check in when you can. I still be sending you lots of good thoughts!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[DavyDave]

I remember my dad driving us all the way to Canada (9 hour trip) just to buy some 222. (Tylenol and Codeine.) He bought 6 large bottles and went through them in two months. He use to hide the pills in the car when we crossed the boarder.

[lostbutterfly]

Wow, he was determined!

I don't think I am going to get any length of time under my belt until I'm in a position to go to NA meetings every single day. And you can say what you like, I am not leaving 3 kids on their own 7 nights a week for 2 1/2 hours, which is what meetings every day would entail at the moment.

I can't go to lunch time ones coz I get 1/2 hour for lunch and the meetings need 1 hour travel time alone.

I just can't relate AA meetings, to taking pills. I completely relate as far as the way I used to drink. But I just can't convert the message to drugs. I'm not giving up giving up, but I don't think I'm in a position to get what I need to stop for any length of time at the moment.

[ananda]

hey LB...i'm a firm believer in trying something new if what your doing isn't working. Good for you for deciding on a course adjustment (hug)

miss you and see you soon

[Impurrfect]

((LB))

I'm not going to argue with you..we each find our own path to recovery in our own time. Sounds like the meetings must be pretty far away from you...that sucks! I do hope you keep trying recovery, though. Don't sell yourself short.

I'm glad to see you checking in. I was worried we weren't going to see you for DAYS!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[christin1225]

LB,

I read your post and one word kept sounding louder than all the others: can't. I'm sorry that quitting the pills seems beyond your ability today. In my area, all the NA meetings allow children. At first, I found it distracting (shame on me as a mother), but knew that it was probably the only way those mothers could come. I understand how hard it is for you to be away from you children seven nights in a row.

I'm sorry that you can't give up the pills today. But, let that can't be only for today. Don't impose it on tomorrow, okay?

Would you be able to call some of the gals from NA, arrange a couple of friendly one-on-one contacts during the week or invite a few NA girls over for coffee (errr... England, sorry... tea) for mutual support? That's the kind of things that I would do if I could. That would keep you near your children and give you continued support. Then, you could attend a couple meetings a week. It might take a bit (or a lot) of creativity to work out, but it might be an option.

LB, I'm the last one to give advice but your comment (although I understand it) about not wanting to leave your kids seven nights a week made me think of my marriage. When my kids were younger, I never wanted to take "Daddy" from them. They loved him dearly. They still love him, but we are all messed up in so many ways because of the degree of dysfunction in our relationship. Please, sweet mother who obviously loves her kids, be very discerning of whether it is better to have you present seven days a week on pills or absent for a few hours a night to stay off them.


Be good to yourself, LB. I pray that you can have a tomorrow of cans.

[lostbutterfly]

Hi .. my son seems to have fixed this ancient computer, altho it is still making some straaange sounds!!

I don't know what to do really. I go to two AA meetings a week. If I dropped one AA meeting a week, I could make it to one NA meeting - that's the only option at the moment.

What I'm really, really scared of, is that NA won't work. It's the only thing that will help me, and what if it doesn't? Then I'm really scr*wed! The meetings aren't that far away, half hour travel time each way. Way less than I would travel for pills!!!

[DavyDave]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

Wow, he was determined!

I don't think I am going to get any length of time under my belt until I'm in a position to go to NA meetings every single day. And you can say what you like, I am not leaving 3 kids on their own 7 nights a week for 2 1/2 hours, which is what meetings every day would entail at the moment.

I can't go to lunch time ones coz I get 1/2 hour for lunch and the meetings need 1 hour travel time alone.

I just can't relate AA meetings, to taking pills. I completely relate as far as the way I used to drink. But I just can't convert the message to drugs. I'm not giving up giving up, but I don't think I'm in a position to get what I need to stop for any length of time at the moment.

LOL, yes he was and the drive so damn boring. Driving 9 hours just for pills. It wasn't like we could go sightseeing. I don't have much of a relationship with my dad but last I heard he's taking Darvocet. 1 Darvocet makes the man stoned. I can tell you some funny stories about him just taking that drug. It's like the weakest Narcotic someone can get.

As for AA/NA I don't think I can relate too. I don't crave drugs anymore and when I went to groups at the rehab clinic, they were talking about things like how to use a needle properly and how to snort drugs safely. I kept on asking myself, "Why am I here?"

[lostbutterfly]

My weekends have revolved around pills for so long, that if I'm not taking them, we just don't go out! We used to go all over the place!!

I get AA for the drinking and it's done what I couldn't do for myself in that department.

But NA, I feel like how can I go into a meeting with people on smack and crack, who are really, really struggling, who have sold everything for their DOC. I almost feel like I don't qualify, like I'm belittling their problems, coz mine are so minor, relatively speaking.

[lostbutterfly]

Fecked up a bit over the last week, but down to 75mg today from roughly 300. Stress at work. That is my last remaining trigger that I can't deal with - stress.

A woman at AA told us last night that she is an addict as well. She is 3 years off alcohol and she is one of the women I was thinking of asking to be my sponsor anyway. I'm going to ask her if she is going to NA as well as AA, just to see how she is coping with dealing with the two things together.

I hardly think of alcohol at all, but there is not an hour that goes by that pills don't pop into my head.

[Sugah]

LB, I'm glad to hear you've found someone with whom you can identify. Although we do honor the primary purpose in AA here, it's rare to find someone under 40 who doesn't have experience with both alcohol and some other substance.

Have you read the story (in the Big Book), "Acceptance Was the Answer" - ? In the 3rd edition, it's called, "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict." You can find it online here.

Peace & Love,
Sugah