Codeine Chronicles Part II

[Impurrfect]

(((LB)))

Though I was ADDICTED to crack, I abused all kinds of stuff. I, honestly, rarely think of crack any more. However, when I get stressed, I think of all kinds of OTHER things that will make me numb...like alcohol and opiates.

I COULD use them, and stop, in the past, but who knows if I could stop now? Don't want to find out, and I realize it's just my addict voice wanting relief. So, I don't go there. Basically, it's a big red flag, for me. If I'm wanting something to numb me, I need to pull out more recovery tools.

I am very, very proud of you...you are doing awesome!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[lostbutterfly]

30 days! Ta da! I AM surprised! In one way, time has flown, in others it has gone so slowly.

I feel a bit out of sorts today, I think coz I took my little girl to see her dad and his wife yesterday.

They are active alcoholics, altho she doesn't really get that drunk while the kids are about (unlike me!). When I was drinking too, I'll leave it to your imagination how much we all said to each other that was less than, ummm, civilised!!

I've kind of seen my own part in it all, and since he is losing the use of his legs, his hands and his eyes (and slowly his brain) due to alcohol nerve damage, I think it's time to let some things go.

I feel like we made our peace yesterday. I don't know how long he has left, it is irreversible damage. But alcoholic deaths can be very long and drawn out.

I'm glad he found someone to take care of him - he would be dead by now if he had never met his wife. I know it's not perfect, but she accepts him and loves him. I just loved him, but I couldn't accept his ... drinking and drugging - how ironic life is!!

[ananda]

:ghug GREAT JOB LB

Ok, on the alchohol thing..

My drug of choice prior to 85 was speed.....now its strange, cause that said it was a 9 mos 24hr a day alchohol binge that brought me to the program in 85 and I went to AA not NA (have done NA on and off through the years since)

BUT....my point is...I have never used speed or anyother recreiational drugs since I stopped in 1985. My first 2 years off drugs, speed was the one my mind went to on a regular basis, but ALL my MANY MANY relapses/slips whatever...have been on alchohol...today i never obsess about drugs...always about alchohol.

I don't think it matters which one we start on...any drug, includeing alchohol will be our downfall....Heck..guess what..its a "drug of choice" if we have a choice we will pick a certain one...but crp....if it isn't available we will use whatever we can to get to where we think we want to be.

Your ex is lucky to have you in his life as well LB.....we all need all the loving friends that we can have (hug)

[19years]

Agree 100% My main drug of choice was alcohol. After my 1st AA meeting in 1990 ish i have got many more addictions after many relapses on pills and alcohol. Food as well.

Now clean and sober thank God

John

[19years]

Sorry about short sharp share above. Got called away half way thru first sentence

It's taken me a long time to accept my addictions and to stop fighting them. Today and only for today the desire to use has gone. Where or how, I don't know. I seem to have stopped fighting.

I have been going to 3 meetings a week and not isolating.

For me I started as an alcoholic and finished on 20+ pills everyday.

[lostbutterfly]

I liked the codeine and alcohol together. But I would use codeine on its own to get thru the times of day it was unacceptable to drink eg: work!

I do remember once taking 20 pills plus booze on top - I felt it for half an hour and then nothing - that was a bad day, and the day I realised I couldn't keep the habit going forever, because the pills were going to stop working.

I am very uptight today. I know why: it's because I'm trying to make things turn out my way instead of leaving it to my HP. There is something that I want to happen, but it depends on a few other people.

My first instinct is to manipulate everyone to do as I want, but I have to leave it. If it doesn't turn out as I want it to, it wasn't meant to be. My HP knows it would have been too much to handle! My speciality in life is biting off more than I can chew!

[Impurrfect]

(((LB))) - at least you KNOW why you're uptight...that's pretty darned good!! When I get that way, and can SEE what's bugging me, I feel like I've won half the battle. Doesn't mean it's any easier, 'cause I STILL want things my way, but at least I know I'm aware of what's going on and can at least TRY to hand it over to HP. Sometimes I have to "let it go" a few hundred times before I can actually do it Sometimes I just don't have a choice..I never had any control to start with.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Shellslove]

Sorry I haven't commented lately LB...I've been following your thread and you're doing SO great! I have to say, I read the posts here, and it's the least jealous I've ever been hehe, okay, sorry...bad joke! Really though...I envy the relationships I see here between the recovering addicts and their HP, b/c I just cannot get there. I think it's b/c I haven't commited to the na/aa thing, b/c i don't know if I believe in it all. I've been 'sober' now for going on a year...and I don't feel like a 'dry' drunk (interesting choice of words since it's always been pills for me.) What I mean is...I've changed alot in my life for the better...I've gotten rid of many triggers, people and things I know are not good for me...I've had extensive counseling, f2f group time (non 12 step) and work w/an addictionologist...things are going good...but I feel like something is missing.

I read here about how everyone has given up control to there HP, and to me...I still feel like I need to control everything and I'm doing this with my own strength and will power...I mean, is that wrong? I just don't know in my head. I can see myself trying to control situations...I have conversation after conversation where I can actually hear myself as I am controlling the flow and making things turn out the way I want them to be...and it works! It's manipulation, not necessarily in a bad way...but I go into a conversation knowing what the resolution will be because I've already decided it to be so, and know how to get it that way. I'm conflicted...what's wrong with control? But I know one day I could lose it all, come crashing down...and if I don't give it up to an HP I might be lost... I see other lost souls and recommend therapy...I suggest aa/na b/c it's worked for so many others...and I know a program of recovery is so important, b/c I wouldn't be where I am w/o mine...but I feel like a sham, b/c I myself haven't 'worked the 12 steps' and given up the control...

I'm sorry, I guess I should've started a thread on this (still thinking about cutting and pasting as I type)...but it's your thread that has actually made me admit to myself that I even care about this and have these feelings....is that crazy? It's like a breakthrough but a curse....how do you guys do it?? (sorry about the hijack, Lb

[emmer]

Congrats to the max, on your 30 days !!!!

Do you have a sponser LB ? ... I forget.

WOW 30 days!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lostbutterfly]

I don't have a sponsor yet, Joe. Funnily enough, in the Just For Today book, today's entry is about fear, eg: fear of asking someone to be your sponsor because you're scared they'll say no. And how it's OK to feel fear, but not to let it paralyze you. So I guess it's time I did something about it!

Shell, it's taken me time to hand things over, and I forget about a million times a day that I'm not in charge. But everything you said about the way you are, I'm exactly the same. Even if you don't believe in God, and many people don't, you can see your higher power as your recovery programme.

Even believing in God doesn't help that much, strangely enough. My main problem is asking for help.

[Tish28]

Hi everyone!
L.B., I'm just curious, is it possible
to find a sponser when you have only the
internet for recovery help?
Can you have an online sponser?
If so, I've a good idea of who I would like to ask....
I'm just afraid of asking, especially if it's
a stupid question.
Take care - LOTS of Tender Loving Care,
Ingrid

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

30 days! Ta da! I AM surprised!

I'm not, LB. Isn't it funny how we can't see in ourselves the potential that others see so clearly in us?

Great job!

[emmer]

What Christin said.

[19years]

I read Shelloves post about her feelings on higher power.

I recently returned to AA NA after a long break. I was amazed to notice in the literature this time around, how often emotional sobriety is mentioned. That's what I want, emotional sobriety. I'm fed up with the stinking thinking and childish resentful thoughts that can all to easily fill my head.

I read the just for today card every day. I read bits from as bill sees it. I have small book on sayings by the Dalai Lama. I read all sorts of spiritual books and sayings. I take the bits I want from all religions and spiritual readings and leave the rest.

I have 3 good friends in AA none of which have a God ( who lives in a church) but they believe in something greater than themselves. One believes it's the AA meeting itself.

They say if you practice something for 30 straight days it will become a habit.

I practice the above every day and it seems to work.

I used to be so jealous of people with a faith. I now have one. I don't know how I got it, other than I have had enough of the anxiety and fear that came with pills and booze.

I much prefer a calmer more Buddhist philosophy on life.

I try and treat people how I would want them to treat me. It fails often, but it makes me feel better.

I read somewhere recently that if you do somebody a good turn/favour in the morning it will elevate your mood for the rest of the day. It will also make the other person feel better as well

John

[Tish28]

It is so true that if you do something good in the morning it makes me feel good for the rest of the day and, what more than making someone else feel better as well.
Unfortunately the opposite is true also. Is someone teats me badly, I battle with it, trying to 'let go', but I often feel really awful for the rest of the day.I need to do some work on the twelve steps!
The Buddhist philosphy of life makes a great deal of sense for me too John.

[lostbutterfly]

I love the Buddhist philosophy and find it amazingly similar to the AA philosophy (obviously you need to take the God bit out!) But the principle of acceptance etc.

If someone is horrible to you Ingrid, you can use it as an opportunity to practice your patience, tolerance and compassion - that's what the Dalai Llama would say (ha,ha! if you work out how to do this, let me know!)

I was brought up Christian, but I'm fairly loose and easy on my spiritual views! I have not found a religion yet that didn't have something to offer me in the way of guidance.

[jane_668]

LB- 30 days.......yay !!!!way to go.

[emmer]

hey LB, at the end of the meeting when they ask if anyone would like a temp sponser.
You put up your hand, like your Arnold Horshak.

YouTube - Welcome Back Kotter (Has Anyone Seen Arnold?) Part 1 re: 1:01

[lostbutterfly]

lol! They don't do that at our meetings, you just have to find your own. The one woman I wanted to ask is having real health problems at the moment. The other one has just become secretary of one of our groups, so I feel I can't ask them.

Hmmmm - sounds like a load of excuses, doesn't it?

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

lol! They don't do that at our meetings, you just have to find your own. The one woman I wanted to ask is having real health problems at the moment. The other one has just become secretary of one of our groups, so I feel I can't ask them.

Hmmmm - sounds like a load of excuses, doesn't it?

Um... yeah

I don't know the nature of the first woman's health problems, but I can tell you as someone who's had some very difficult physical stuff to deal with, nothing gets my mind off it better than helping another person.

And as for the secretary--I don't know how things are done in your neck of the woods, but here, the secretary commitment requires only a small amount of time in addition to attending meetings. Perhaps typing up group conscience minutes, ordering/stocking literature, and maybe adding a few items to his or her own shopping list to buy separately for the group.

Just ask, LB. They can always say no, and if so, you ask someone else. You're never going to know until until you ask.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[jane_668]

Is someone teats me badly, I battle with it, trying to 'let go', but I often feel really awful for the rest of the day.

The same happens with me except this time I'm learning how to let go of all useless thoughts.I am finally convinced that I have no control over other people's thoughts and bahviors.I can earn respect but I cannot force them to repsect me.I just have to accept them the way they're or else I'll go crazy.Change doesnot happen overnight and it starts with baby steps.

LB- How are you doing? You're doing great.

[lostbutterfly]

Doing OK Jane. I've had a week of such anxiety, for no particular reason, except that I've been looking for a pony for my older daughter to buy. I cannot tell you the tizz I've worked myself up into.

I've been in such an anxious state over something that should be fun! Anything out of the ordinary just throws me into a spin - it's quite pathetic really!

[jane_668]

LB- That's completely normal.I hear you.I was overwhelmed by any simple thing I had to do. I numbed my feelings so long that I forgot what's like to live a clean life.Any simple task was a trigger for me because then I would make it an excuse to use again.However,I noticed that I can't keep running away forever.There are things that needed to be done wether I liked it or not.So I started to do things slowly but making sure I finish them.That was something so motivating for me.It enhanced my self -confidence.I realized for the first time that I can do tasks and do them whilst being clean.

Everyone keeps telling me that willingness without work is useless.I have to work it for it to work.I don't have to do it all at once.

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by lostbutterfly

Anything out of the ordinary just throws me into a spin - it's quite pathetic really!

((LB))
I'm sorry to post just to disagree with you, but I don't see this as being pathetic. Just think about it, for more than a month now, everytime that you've been thrown into a spin, you've turned it into another opportunity to prove to yourself that you can deal with life on life's terms. You haven't twisted what has happened into an excuse to use. Pathetic? No way! I'm thinking that it's something more like !

[lostbutterfly]

Thanks! Well, the pony is getting vetted on Thursday. There, something else to get stressed over! She is an Arab cross Welsh, two of the prettiest breeds there are (imho!). She has a lovely nature, really looked after my daughter, who is not the most brilliant rider!

At the same time as being safe, she is speedy and lots of fun (and she's not even on drugs!), a rare combination in a pony! Usually they are bloody-minded and jolly naughty! But Arab ponies are very generous - they certainly knew how to breed horses in the desert! I'm going to have to join a horsey forum as well as a druggy one, lol!!

I'm exhausted by the whole thing, I can assure you. I wonder if I shall land up looking after the pony in the same way I have landed up looking after the gerbil, the guinea pigs and the rabbit?