How Do I Deal With This?

[SlvrMag]

When I was still in active addiction, my husband always said he would do whatever it took to support me in getting clean. At first, maybe the first month, he was very supportive. Soon I could tell that he was tired of hearing about my recovery. When I would mention going to a meeting he would sigh, or roll his eyes.


So I asked him what his problem was, he said "How long is this stuff going to be in my life?" I said "Well, hopefully forever, because if I stop being active in my recovery, I will go back out there".
I am making this long story short but basically he just thinks I should be "all better" and life should just be "normal". What a slap in the face! I suggested he go to Al-Anon...he laughed. This lack of support has progressed over the past 2 months. He was not very happy when I told him I am the secretary of my homegroup's Sunday meeting.
I know I can't change him, and I need to work on myself. Maybe that's just it - maybe he is afraid of me working on myself because I may "change"? I don't know. Any advice?

[Sugah]

If you ask around in the meeting, SlvrMag, you might find someone with a spouse who is involved with Alanon and who might be willing to come talk to your husband. Because he doesn't understand doesn't mean he can't come to accept. If you had to go for kidney dialysis every day, I'm sure he'd come to accept that - but addiction just isn't as visible and isn't viewed in the same way, nor are 12 step meetings viewed as "treatment" in that way (they really aren't - the program, the steps are, but few can practice the principles without the framework of support that meetings provide).

Beyond Alanon, have you considered or discussed with him the possibility of relationship counseling? Maybe you can lay the groundwork, find a therapist who understands addiction & treatment (not all do)?

I was the acknowledged addict in my last relationship. He used, but he did it "recreationally" (according to him). I knew that a) he would not give that up just because I was getting clean, and b) he was so jealous of anything that I did without him that he'd never be able to accept that I went to meetings regularly - let alone that I had an entire group of friends with whom he was not the "primary" friend. (It was a sick, sick relationship) As a result, I chose to end the (seven year) relationship rather than try to patch it back together.

I'm not suggesting you end your relationship! Just sharing how it was for me. The suggestion I would have for you, so early in recovery, is that if you have decided to take nights off from meetings (and to find balance, it's necessary for many of us) that you still, in some form or another, keep connected to your recovery network on those days: calls to your sponsor, your readings/prayer/meditation, postings here, etc. A "Just for Today, I'll take time off from my program of recovery" can be fatal for us.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Callie]

I'm not an RA, but speaking from the other side (non addict) - I can see how he would just want it to be over and out of your lives. I'm guessing he doesn't understand just how serious addiction is and that recovery is a lifelong process. I would urge you to not be hard on him about him criticizing meetings. In reality addiction is a slap in his face and he didn't ask for this to be in his life - kwim? Sorry to be blunt, but I can see his side as well and just wanted to offer that perspective. I know for me I when I walked down that aisle and said "for better or worse" I had NO IDEA just how bad the "worse" could and did get. I would try talking with him and also urge counseling or someone from NA speaking with him.

Early on in my AH's addiction and 1st rehab a nurse handed me information about alanon or naranon. I respectfully took the pamphlet and slipped it in the trash can as I was walking out of the rehab visiting him. At that time I had no idea about addiction. I thought that once he was "ok" I would be fine too. I wasn't and am not and my AH proceeded to ge clean for 3 months and then went on a year long binge of heavy oxy use. All of this right under my nose and I had no clue.

[LadyTenn422]

I wonder, if he doesnt want to get out and go, or support you, if you could get some kind of literature, explaining how DETRIMENTAL ist is that he support you! He could read that at home, and then maybe really understand how important it is. That you are always goin got be a recovering addict, and for him to be a part of you, in your life, he HAS to be ready to support you, and be there for you. Maybe the literature, something you can print off the internet, that just shows how serious it really is, maybe that would get him going! ANd be much more supportive!Just an idea, LOVE, BEcky

[Ajax]

Slvr,

Been there, done that! LOL!

Seriously, though, at this stage, any support is good support. Read how many posts are on this site from people whose partners could care less, or worse, try to sabotage their sobriety in order to have their drinking/using buddy back. Consider yourself lucky.

Now, that being said, I know where both of you are coming from.

I know how hard you are working and how exciting this new life is for you. I understand the eagerness to get involved with everything related to recovery. It's like you get it and you get it BIG! And I respect that. It's a very positive sign, Slvr. Your future is looking great.

I know how anxious your husband is to have you back. He's torn between wanting the wife he had before and wanting the wife that has the knowledge and convictions that you're gaining now. It's difficult for him because they are not the same women.

My husband could not have been more supportive, and I will always, always be grateful to him for being there for me. However, there were plenty of times that his resentment snuck its way to the surface and made me wonder. For instance, he walked the dogs every night. Well, on Monday nights, my only meeting nights, he decided that since he had to put the kids to bed, I should walk the dogs when I get home. Little things like that. Kind of like he saw what I was doing as a "social" thing, while leaving him at home.

It sounds like this is a fairly new thing to hit your homelife. Give it some time. Give him some time. And give yourself some time. Cripes, that first year, I was subscribing to every AA magazine, buying every Daily Meditation Book, generally overdosing on "recovery". Eventually, I found my "groove" and calmed down. Then I worked calmly on my recovery myself. I didn't need to shove it in my husband's face. It didn't even really interfere with our day to day life.

Just as an aside, my husband discovered Al-Anon and basically O.D.ed on that! Came out spouting all this "Didn't Cause It, Can't Control It, Can't Cure It". Made me sick, frankly. Everytime he'd say, "I need a meeting", I'd look at him like he was the biggest fool I'd ever met. In time, he found his niche, too and eased off. So, be careful what you wish for.....

All in all, I feel a lot of love in your post. I think in time you both will settle into and enjoy your sobriety and how nicely it will fit into your life. I wish you patience and strength to see the good that is there, even when it doesn't seem it could be.

-Ajax

[emmer]

He's looking at this like it was a broken arm or the flu.
Of course you go to the doctor if you've busted your arm, but after it's all healed -why would you continue to go back time after time?

Its just a wrong way to look at recovery.
You go to meetings and stay active in recovery so you don't return to your old way of living.

[40Thieves]

There's a reason why addiction is called a family disease. It affects everyone, and everyone needs knowledge and healing. How I wish my ex would have given recovery a go,,,yet I'm sure it would have taken equal work on my part to put our lives back together! Oh well, didn't get the chance to screw up my end of things.

Perhaps you could explain that this is a chronic disease, much like diabetes that needs daily maintenance? Even better if he would join the Loved Ones thread on this site!

Give yourselves time, and trust in your higher power. It's a process, not an event, right?

[shorebirds2saly]

Hello SlVrMag,how are you?I'm Sally,here for support,and am new.I wanted to let you
know 1st,thank you for expressing your how you feel about your situation.I know some
times it can be hard and discouraging.But now you can reap the benefits and have support to help you thru it.2end,I was very moved to read your story.I can relate/understand with what I have gone thru w/both of my sons,and me as the single parent.You wish things can be so automatic,push a button,and fixed..but its not that simple.Its a work in progress.I hope this helps.I hope we can be friends.Let me know!

[SlvrMag]

Welcome to SR shorebirds2saly!!!! Thank You so much for your kind words!!!




40Theives - I have explained the chronic disease part of it to him but he disagrees. We know people who used meth for years and just quit on there own because they were done. Oh how I wish I could have done that! But he compares me with them. "Why couldn't you just stop like so & so did?" "Why couldn't you just look at your children or see how much you were hurting us and just stop?"


You know what? I don't know why I could not do that. I mean, I know NOW why I couldn't but he just will not accept any answer or explanation I provide him. Maybe he still thinks everything I say is a lie?

[40Thieves]

Yea, well, I don't know about your meth using friends, but some people overdose on sugar for years and don't develop diabetes!

I'm sorry you are going through this. A lot of people are resistant to the disease concept. Yes, trust is a huge factor, but when you are "walking the walk" you deserve a little trust. I think he just needs time to get used to the new you?

You know, before I was ever married to an addict, I dated a guy in recovery. He was heavily involved in NA and AA, and it just seemed so weird to me at the time,,almost cultish. Had I known then what I know now,,,,,,haha. The end of the story is that he married someone else, but we have remained the best of friends for more than 10 years now. His help was irreplaceable while I was married to an addict.

Patience and trust. The Serenity Prayer applies to so much, doesn't it? Just keep working your recovery and everything else will be manageable.

Hugs.

[Done-With-It]

Hows it going Mags?

[itisatruth]

Originally Posted by Callie

I'm not an RA, but speaking from the other side (non addict) - I can see how he would just want it to be over and out of your lives. I'm guessing he doesn't understand just how serious addiction is and that recovery is a lifelong process. I would urge you to not be hard on him about him criticizing meetings. In reality addiction is a slap in his face and he didn't ask for this to be in his life - kwim? Sorry to be blunt, but I can see his side as well and just wanted to offer that perspective. I know for me I when I walked down that aisle and said "for better or worse" I had NO IDEA just how bad the "worse" could and did get. I would try talking with him and also urge counseling or someone from NA speaking with him.

Early on in my AH's addiction and 1st rehab a nurse handed me information about alanon or naranon. I respectfully took the pamphlet and slipped it in the trash can as I was walking out of the rehab visiting him. At that time I had no idea about addiction. I thought that once he was "ok" I would be fine too. I wasn't and am not and my AH proceeded to ge clean for 3 months and then went on a year long binge of heavy oxy use. All of this right under my nose and I had no clue.

Coming from another spouse of an AH, I can understand where Callie is coming from.....if I had known back then how hard a road this was going to be, I probably wouldn't have gotten married. That said, my AH has not been working a program for years and has the relapses to show for it. I would give so much...Sunday nights, Monday nights, Tuesday nights......etc to have him clean and sober again. I miss that "man" I once knew! I think its great you are working a program and hope you always remember how important it is to do that for yourself and for your family.

Marriage counseling would be a good step if he is willing? Maybe if someone else was telling him the same thing, he might understand better....?. Are there any family/social gatherings that you could include him in with your home group? Meeting other spouses might help him feel more involved in what you are doing for both of you. Good luck!