Journey Of Lady Tenn IV

[LadyTenn422]

Time to start a new one! Wow, that went fast. Havent talked to the lawyer yet, but am looking forward to doing so, and will be sure to let you guys know as soon as I do. I do feel a little better, not so bleak a mood. Just marveling over how I could MISS such a crappy relationship!!

[krissypissy]

becky--i posted this reply on what i thought was the most current 'journey thread'--sorry guess i was wrong...anyway im bringing my last post over since the last thread is locked....ok here it is...take care

i miss my ex-husband everyday despite the fact that he financially abandoned myself and my 4 children, was verbally and physically abusive toward me on and off for the last 12 years, did things to me that most would consider horrible and on and on and on. you just dont automatically let go of that amount of time and you will always have ties to him....he is the father of your babies. **** doesnt just dissolve mentally because the relationship did...it is going to take a lot of time, working on yourself (emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically) i have my 4 girls 28 days of every month and he has them 4 (as long as he shows up) i decided a long time ago that i would never bad mouth or speak negatively about the girls dad-in good time they will grow up and see what i have seen for the past decade-and becky i really think the more you have your kids you will find that its busy, busy, busy and you really dont have time to be lonely...sure i get lonely sometimes but doing all the meals, homework, laundry, cleaning, cuddling, talking, loving, etc. there really isnt enough time for me to feel lonely. yeah i do have a hell of a time getting to bed at night but i also choose to sleep on the couch because being in the big king size bed where i know my ex brought some ***** home and did her there...yeah i dont want to remember those things...so my couch is perfect for one...and often my 3 year old comes out of bed and crashes on top of me...YES both of us on the couch...talk about cuddle time! anyway...i know our situations are very, very similiar with the exception that my divorce has been final since nov. 2007 and i won primary custodianship of our girls...we 'supposidly' have joint custody but wtf kind of 'joint' is 28 days equal to 4? i dunno...all i know is that my kids are with me a lot and i couldnt imagine it any other way...ive only been away from them when i was in the hospital for 3 of my 5 surgeries and the longest hospital stay was 5 days BUT they came every morning and night to see me...just know that your situation and struggle are not unique...your pain and hurt and embarrassment are common...my only advice right at this moment? FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE TO GET YOUR KIDS WITH YOU! God knows what your s.o.b. ex is telling your boys...set the record straight and get those babies back with their mama--write back anytime...im here everyday take care, stay strong and clean, pray and keep on keepin on...

[LadyTenn422]

Thanks Krissy, I did get your post, and man, thanks soo mucch for sharing that. It gives me some hope. YOu sound like you really worked hard to get wehre you are today. I am going to keep on praying and trying to do the NEXT best thing. LIke I said earlier, I am feeling much better about things today, and I am hoping for continued strength. You overcame A LOT, and your story truly does make me feel better and givce me hope, I only wish you hadnt had to go through all that. I wouldnt wish this type of mess on anyone, lol. . Anyhow, thanks again for sharing your story, I would LOVE to PM you sometime and swap stories. you sound like a strong woman. Much love, Becky

[krissypissy]

PM me anytime!

[LadyTenn422]

I will, thanks and I am sooo glad to hear your story has such a happy sounding ending and how great you are with your kids. LOVE to hear stuff like that, it makes me happy like watching the "good ending " Intervention shows make me happy. Much Love, Becky

[krissypissy]

also becky i was going to mention that if you havent already, document important details of your conversations: dates, times, etc.--and one thing that ive found is good is trying to communicate exclusively via email or as much as you can...you will have conversations in writing and you can quickly reference back to things that have been said. if you havent already, i suggest getting to the library and getting a really good book on divorce for your little one--i know the older one will probably roll his eyes at the thought but this helped my 7 year old a lot...i also always (daily!) ask my girls if there is anything they would like to ask me or talk about regarding the split...THEY ALWAYS have new questions or want me to assure them im always here for them and no matter what happens down the road we will get through this TOGETHER! kids really need that support--i wouldnt make it a habit of 'fishing' for things that have been said about you or the situation when they are with your ex but i would encourage them to express to you what is going on in their little lives when he has them. my girls often just tell me 'well dad said this is your fault' or 'dad moved out because youre mean to him' blahblahblah...all bull$hit but this a$$hole has to blame someone...God forbid he take responsibility for his actions. i dont personally know your ex other than what you have shared here but i know from my own personal experience that my ex tried everything in the book to threaten and intimidate me...from canceling my health insurance to using the fact that im bipolar to my physical disability making me incapable of being a decent mom. i know you have an attorney now but do a little research in your spare time and find out the basic laws in TN--can you collect spousal maintainance or alimony? is TN a community property state? is TN a no-fault state? all things above can be found on the net....so when this dick comes-a-callin threatening to repo your car you can say (if it is applicable in TN) guess what? whats mine is yours and vice versa. dont start a fight but be ready to end it with some 'in your face' FYI...i actually had to visit the superior court and justice court today to file a civil suit against my ex and a family court petition for now obeying our divorce decree settlement...he is going to $hit when he gets served at work with the papers...oh well--gotta look out for whats best for myself and the girls...you mess with a bull...youre gonna get the horns--make no mistake 'what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger' so on that note ive gotta go pick up the house and get some dinner done...im going to las vegas this weekend with girlfriends and friends AND I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need a break! take care

[emmer]

In this rough time in your life Becky - I'm here for you ...ok?
One of the worse times in my life was when did 6 months in a syke ward and thought my life was over forever. It was a time when I needed a place to live and some HELP
but i was on my own.
Things got even worse for me (don't want to say what) but anyway ...we all need people to love us and help us and if i can be of some help in some way then pm me anytime.

Keep telling yourself, not to go back to the mess of a marraige of left.

..joe

[LadyTenn422]

thanks Joe, soo much and thank you Krissy!!!!!!!! YOu guys are really great to take the time to share your stories, and to be there. Im sure most of you know Im not ALWAYS a sniveling, crying mess. Most of the time I try to stay active in the other threads and sometimes create threads of interest like the music thread, etc. Anyhow, most all of you on here are so great, and all feel like a big family there for the ups and the downs, and that is priceless, especially when you need to say things you cant say to people in your immediate family, that helps A lOT to vent. I am so glad and lukcy to have all of you.

Krissy, you made it through sooo much, GOOD LUCK in court today, sounds like you really have your stuff together, so get in there and rip him a new one!! Let me know PLEASE how it goes, I will be thinking about you!! go get him!!

[LadyTenn422]

Also, got my boys for 5 whole days!!!!!!!! Im so happy about that, and GRATEFUL to have them, they have already lifted me so far outta this funk. The little one (we were watching tv on the couch) just looked around and goes I love you Mama! Made me feel great. Also, like you Krissyk, oe ting I have VOWED never to do, no matter how much I want to, I wiil NOT bad mouth him in front of the boys, I even make excuses sometimes like "daddy has a very stressful job, he gets upset sometimes too easily" I think you are right Krissy, they will remember that. And I dont say things like "has Daddy got a girlfriend" or ANYTHING. I just keep our time together for us, and its great that way. Its beautiful weather here in TN and I have my babies, and for today, LIFE IS GREAT!! STILL gotta call the lawyer, but he is semi retired and just works when he wants, he said he would call, maybe I shouldn't push him, he is NOT asking for any payment at this point (Thank God) Anyway, everyone have a great day, and again, GOOD LUCK KRISSY

[MrsMagoo]

Hey Becky. Just checking in. I didn't catch the last of your prior thread (I think you have the record here for longest and continual threads!!) so I'm playing catch up.

I'm glad you got an attorney and I'm glad you have the boys for 5 whole days. Krissy gave some really good advice sweetie. I hope he (no names - I remember), goes away soon.

YOU are doing good my friend. How are things with your sister?

[LadyTenn422]

Hi Mrs. Magoo!!! I have been thinking about you too, and how you enjoyed your birthday!!! Do anything special? Krissy truly did give some great advice, and it really made me feel hopeful, not so dead end. Things with my sister are better thank they were when we had the huge fight/disagreement but just kind of so-so. Im glad we arent arguing, but I think I need to go see her more often or vice versa. We could be closer, I think I will call her tonight. She has started a new job that is pretty stressful, so i need to call and check on her, and if she is hanging in there

I am so happy to have a lawyer, you cant imagine. I havnet heard from him yet, and didnt call him yesterday, but am GOING to tomorrow. enjoying my time with my babies! I will let you know what he says, and keep everyone updated. I think I do have one of the longest threads, lol I guess its cuz I use it for a journal/social spot. but I REALLY enjoy all the great friends on here and the relationships I have built over the years. Thanks again, Mrs. for checking in on me. Let me know about your bday!! How old are you, oops, ladies arent supposed to tell their age are they, lol. Anyway, let me know if you did anything special!!! MUCH MUCH love, Becky

[LadyTenn422]

Just checking in and saying hello! Its a really pretty day here in TN. Havent talked to my lawyer yet, hes VERY hard to reach, but Im sure he is working on my papers, I hope, I am sooo worried about the whole thing and soo scared if we go to court he is going to try to nail me with the drug and rehab thing. Thats is big ace in the hole, and in my journal that he photocopied, there were times that I had relapsed and was using again, AND there some suicidal thoughts in there. That journal is going to be BAD news IF its admissible?? Does anyone know about that, the journal I mean, I wonder if its like a tape recording of someone, inadmissible?

Man I hope so, if that thing gets up there, im toast. I CANNOT afford child support, so I put in MY papers to the lawyer, that I want money from HIM. he said he would quit his job before he paid me any money. I do have a REAL bad feeling that he will win this thing, gain primary physical custodianship, I will have to pay, and his WEIRD joint custody schedule. Weird you can have JOINT custody, BUT one parent is , what, more IMPORTANT than the other, or what?? I am really nervous, but trying to be cool and pray we can come to some sort of arrangement that we agree on and can avoid court. But I DONT see him giving in to my proposal, just like I wont to his. ARGGGG The whole thing is nuts. IF I sign those papers, I will be signing tha ti pay him 270.00 a month. I know I told you guys thisd, but then he says "you dont really have to pay, thats why I didnt ask for it to bve taken from your check. BUT, I bet the first time he gets mad at me, Im in contempt of court and in BIG trouble for NON payment of child support. This is ludicrous. Im really sweating it, cuz from what I hear, no matter WHAT, whoever wins Primary Physiological cust. HAS to pay!!!!

TERRIFIED, I can BARELY pay my bills, and I mean BARELY. Something has got to give. Im so scared about court and/or signing his papers "as is". We have GOT to sit down and agree on something!!!! I sooo appreciate you Krissy for sharing with me, Im hitting a meeting tonight, but does ANYone have any other experiences that you could share about a divorce and papers and child support etc, etc. Any are so welcome, maybe I could devise a strategy!! I am NOT paying a man who makes triple my salary!

[LadyTenn422]

Just asked him and we are going to sit down Sunday night, and try to hammer out an agreement. I dont know that its such a good idea, but I Dont WANNA go to court. He must not either, because he agreed to sit down, Im going to have all my notes, and everything ready to discuss on paper, so the whole thing is VERY formal and business like. A checklist of what is important to discuss and agree on. BUT I am willing to bet money it will NOT work, neither of us will budge, and he will leave mad, after I tell him to get out.

I pray for ONCE we can talk it out, and agree. My lawyer has my copy of the papers, and my notes, so I am going from memory. Dear Lord, be with me on this one, I dont want to be unfair and WONT but Im not backing down either. Like I asked before, any one else want to offer what they did with their divorce, custody, etc??? Krissy shared a great one as did others. She gave me hope, and I would LOVE for some of you guys that read this, with ANY divorce stories, or all the stuff I asked about. THANKS GUYS, and MUCH LOVE, Becky

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Ok. Here's my experience.

When exH and I split, we decided on shared custody. Custody is a completely different issue than child support. With shared custody we both make any medical/moral/life issue decisions regarding the kids.

Child support, on the other hand, is different. It does not depend on the visitation schedule at all. In my experience, we both made the same amount of money, so neither one had to pay child support. This can be modified though. Like, now, I'm unemployed. I could take my exH to court and he would have to pay support to me for the children because my income is so much less than his. Or say, I find a really good job and end up making a lot more than him. Well, he could then take me to court and I would have to pay him. Now, this is the case even though I have them one week and he has them the other. Doesn't matter, it has to do with keeping the children supported in their living environment which is equal to whatever environment they have at the other parents.

Now, my partner's exH makes a ton of money. Her ex has primary physical custody, but does not require her to pay child support (thank God) He could though and he would probably win.

In CT they have mandated parenting classes where many questions pertaining to the kids are answered. Not sure if they have that where you are..

File those papers, you got a long road to go. And hand it up.

[LadyTenn422]

Man, thanks sooo much Merlot. We have mandated parenting classes here too. I really dread that. How was it when you went through it?Do you have to sit together, or how does it work? for whatever reason, he says when the papers are filed you CANNOT dismiss child support, or say neither of us is going to pay, we are sharing custody, and no cild support, he says, Whoever wins the PRIMARY thing gets the money. It seems weird to me, why cant you just say, Neither rof us is asking the other for money? Thats what we originally agreed on, now he wants 270.00 a month, but "I dont really have to pay that" Yea, right, lol. Till he gets mad at me. I just dont understand why there has to be one parent tht is the "top dog" or more important regarding the children.

Merlost, Thank you sooo much thats just the sort of thing I am asking people for, and I soo appreciate you taking the time to share that with me. My lawyer still has the copy of "his" papers with "his demands" and my notes of disagreement. so at this point I dont know where we are. Maybe he will draw up a set of MY demands, and set it to ":his"lawyer? Is that how it works? A counter suit, or counter file, or whatever you call it, lol.Im curious about that part. He hasnt called e, so I am calling him tomorrow for sure and asking what is UP with my case. I bet he sends a new set to his lawyer with my demands and our "sit down" on Sunday is out the window, he is going to be furious when he sees what I am asking for. Thanks again Merlot, that is just what Im looking for folks on here to tell me. Thank you !!! Much love, Becky

[anvilhead]

lookup Child Support for your state, there will be specific guidelines regarding how that is calculated, worksheets etc. the non-custodial parent is "usually" required to pay support for the benefit of the children, and it is based on income and the ratio of each parent's income as it relates to child rearing expenses. YOUR attorney should have those guidelines. the amounts calculated are used as the base for any agreement between you two....if he is awarded custody, he has the option to reduce or waive any support from you, but he cannot simply DEMAND more. if you two do not have an agreement by the time you go to court, you are then at the mercy of the court.

parents have an obligation to their children's financial well being, regardless of their personal income status. child support is not a punishment, it's an assurance that all parents in divorce shall equally the burden of responsibility.

me personally? i would be open to talking to the "ex" but i wouldn't agree verbally or in writing to anything. and if you do not feel you two can sit down and be civil, i'd skip it and let the attorneys do the talking.

ps - considering you guys can barely talk civilly NOW is exactly why ONE parent has to be considered having primary custody. remember all these stipulations are set up for the benefit of the KIDS - the sooner you guys can stop being bickering exs and get to being co-parents the better it will be.

[LadyTenn422]

Thanks Anvil, you may be spot on about the sit down meeting. I just dread the thought of going to court, and WISH so badly we could agree and avoid it, I did see on my copy of the papers, where they had calculated all the salaries, etc. but they had mine dead wrong, and I still dont understand, with the calculations, it would turn out with ME paying him. I never have understood all the legal speak, and I hate the thought that he will win.

I think what I am getting from your post is that we can say NO to either of us paying child support? He said that is not even possible, someone has to pay, no matter what, even if we begged the court for neither or us to pay, he would say NO even with this joint custody arrangement, YOU are paying(whichever of us) It even says in the papers, he is the Priary Phys. cust. because he will have them 183 days of the year and me 182? aNd he says its because he is more financially stable, I dont see that as even a factor, it should be the well being, happiness, and BEST thing for the kids. And we had it DEAD even adn he switched it big time in the papers, I gues his lawyer said, if you want money, you have to do this, and so it changed from our original AGREED upon paper, to this crap, and I HATE this arguing over them, and money, its like a dang auction, fighting over our children.

This is terrible, and Im afraid they are being used as pawns!! Not good for them. I just want them happy. If they are happier with him more, it will BREAK my heart, but so be it, I want them happy. I think though from what I get from them, is they like our arrangement now, and are happy with it. I only want them happy, and can afford to pay him, thats the bottom line, thank you soooo much Anvil for you VERY helpful advice, adn I am checking into all of it. EVERYONE thank you in advance for all your helpful stories, war stories, lol, of custody, divorce etc. Keep em coming, Im gettin smarter with every one of your posts!!!!! MUCH LOVE, Becky

[anvilhead]

child support is part of the divorce proceedings/parenting plan to assure that both parents fulfill their respective obligations to their children. you hear a lot about "deadbeat dads" who simply do not pay a dime of support. at least with a support order in effect, there is a legal standard to hold them to.......

what is BEST for the kids........that should truly be the only question between parents.......what is in THEIR best interest....if there was an impartial advocate speaking solely FOR the children, their now and their future, what would that advocate say?

[LadyTenn422]

Oh man, is that what happens if we hit court? Instead of the kids getting on the stand(I think that would be horrible and detrimental) and he grills them , and then repeats what they say?? I know they love us both, and want equal time with us, but I dont know what would happen, that would be awful for them, to have to kind of "choose".

Also, do you know about the parenting classes(a good idea prob. I think) do you have to sit together and work on things or what? I am really curios as to how that works.

Anvil, thank you so much for all your advice and helpful info, I cant express how much I appreciate it. You are really helping me out. ANYONE else that has stories, or knows about the classes, etc. PLEASE, just tell me your story, I a sooo thankful for all of them, I feel stronger and more brave with each one!!

[krissypissy]

becky-cant really chat a ton right now (gotta make the high school pick-up right now) but as far as it goes in my state- YOU MUST NOT attend the same parenting class as the other parent--if you do here and get caught they will hold you in contempt and your class time is null and void....this way there is not room for a fight, problem, argument, etc in the class setting....the court wants to keep petitioner and respondent as far away from each other as possible during the parenting class...so check it out..call the superior court-ask for the family court division and ask if you are required to attend separate classes....ill be back on here shortly so leave your ??? if you think of any...take care

[LadyTenn422]

thats exactly wha tI was wanting to find out Krissy!!! Thanks soo much. I didnt think it would be a very good idea to have both parents in the same class screaming across the room, you did this, and you did that and so on. I bet its the same herer, I am goikng to call the court tomorrow and find out. thats a big relief. It would be awful to have to go together.

I have a hard time going to my youngest sons ball games becuase "he" is the coach, and I have to watch him(I still do find him very attractive) and realize that he is NOT mine anymore, for good reasons, but its still hard, ya know? Hes a charmer, and very good looking and tall and muscular, and OH shut up Becky, hes also a you know what, who did a lot of crappy things. Well, we both did, point is , its over!! flat out. (((((Krissy))))))) thank you sooo much for the info, that is great to know!I am going to call and find out but I bet you are right.

If anyone has anymore info, this is great, I am feeling more prepared, and stronger, no joke, with all this info! I am really feeling better about this whole thing! ANYONE else who has anything to offer, please do so, and I will sing at your wedding, lol. But really, I will profusely thank you. Much Love, Becky

[MrsMagoo]

Becky,

You have a lawyer and so does he. You two do not NEED to talk about anything! Nothing. I work in a law office and things always get messed up when the parties talk directly to each other. There is a reason why you hire lawyers (not that the lawyers can't screw it up too).

In NC, we have to watch a child custody mediation video which consists of letting parents know what divorce/custody proceedings do to the children. It shows parents fighting and kids hugging each other in bed upstairs where they can still hear the parents and it makes you hyper-aware of what is in the best interest of the children and that's always critical. Not what's in the best interest of you or him - but the children. That's what the court's are supposed to rule on too.

Also in NC, support is based on how many days each parent has the child/children. When my ex and I split, we decided on joint custody. I ended up having my son 3 days more per year than him so I got child support in the whooping amount of $60.00 per month but he also has to keep our son insured (which he doesn't) and he was in day care then and we were splitting that expense. In order to modify any of this, there has to be a major change in circumstance and then by motion, we could bring it back before the court for modification.

Like someone said, you should be able to find your state's child support guidelines and worksheets to calculate child support on line.

Don't meet or talk with him Becky. He upsets you and he tends to set you up. He won't agree to anything you want because all he wants to do is stick it to you and make you squirm. Think about all the other times.