I wonder if I'm addicted...

[EmahSym]

Like so many things in life the hardest part, for me, can be the habit. I'm a creature of habit; I love my habits.

I wake every morning at 5am. I shower while seated in under the full hot spray, wasting hot water while slowly regaining my mental function. I stumble down the, now dark this time of year, stairs knees and ankles cracking each step of the way. Without so much as a glance, or even a brush against my toe, I deftly avoid the dog gate that's always left there on the bottom step, an after thought from the night before. I practice the piano a full 30min starting at 5:35 taking breaks every 10min to don a single garment. The shirt goes on at 5:45, pants at 5:55 and socks and shoes at 6:05. I'm out the door at 6:25. I cycle 15 miles to work, stopping for a bagel at the same shop, sitting in the same corner both, each morning as I read a book for 20min. I'm at work by 7:50. I read all the previous day's email from then until 8:45, I compose all my replies by 9:30. I have a Diet Coke and Nutrigrain bar at 10am, lunch at 12:15pm. Four days a week I go to the gym to lift at 1pm. Another Diet Coke and snack at 3:15. More email and replies between 4 and 5:30pm. I arrive home very close to 6pm.

I snort 30mg of Oxy at 6:30pm.

I have one very carefully measured Jack and Coke at 8pm. A second at 9pm.

I'm in bed by 10pm, asleep no later than 10:30.

I love structure, and it really, really upsets me to experience variance. I'm open to change, though. As long as it's structured and planned of course.

About a decade ago I'd decided I had "a problem" with alcohol. I was regularly drinking six fairly strong drinks a night. I'm a 5'11" and about 220lbs, not remotely fat, just a big solid guy. I work very, very hard at maintaining my less and less cooperative body. So, six drinks wouldn't leave me drunk...but it was certainly enough to affect me. Strongly.

I needed to stop, but I couldn't. Couldn't make myself quit the ritual. It wasn't the socializing. Sure, I went to the same seat in the same bar each night, but in three years I'd probably spoken a total of 10min to a total of four people. I don't really care for people; that is I'm just not interested in "small talk" or "shooting the sh--". Still I was stuck and I couldn't get out. My body was being affected, I could see it in the once every 3mo blood tests I was ordering on myself (online). My liver function, while not clinically significant, was clearly headed in the wrong direction. My lipid profile was poor. I needed to stop and couldn't. I needed to compromise with myself.

Oddly I learned that I didn't really care about the alcohol content, or the buzz, or lack thereof, I just needed the nightly habit. I started going to the bar and having my Jack and Coke with, basically, half a shot of alcohol. Since then I've created "rules" that I live by. Basically I have two carefully measured drinks each night. A total of 2.5oz of alcohol. Sometimes less, of course, but absolutely never more...and absolutely never in less than 1.5hr.

Along came Oxy. I'll spare the details, this is a long enough post already.

I've had 30mg of Oxy every night since August 6th. I have no idea if I'm addicted. I have no idea whether or not I'll suffer withdrawal if I miss a night's dose. I feel perfectly fine each morning. I feel fine each day, I don't count down the hours until I get home to my Oxy, a few times I've actually forgotten to take it "on time". I don't have any sort of sexual issues, not while high...not a few hours later...not the next day. I don't ever itch.

My concentration has always been abysmal.
I'm clearly a bit obsessive.
I've always struggled with dysthymia with overtones of mania. The sort of manic that never seeks treatment, or arouses suspicion of need, because he's "up" 65% of the time, while the 35% down time is more the sort of "really, really blah" rather than destructively down.

I have no idea if I'm physically addicted. I can deal with the physical issues. I have IBS, I enjoy days and days of GI agony for just eating curry. I have no idea if I'm neuro-chemically dependent on Oxy. I have no idea how my carefully tuned 65-35 harmony will be disturbed after a few days with out my nightly fix.

Mostly, though, I have no friggin idea what I'll do at 6:30pm each day. Most this last week I'd quietly sigh to myself and say, "Well, I guess it's time to do this again...". Almost dreading it each night, don't get me wrong I still "really enjoy it", but the real thrill is long gone. I just have no idea what to do at the end of the day. Perhaps, worse, I have no idea how I'll "relax" after a long day.

[EmahSym]

Ugh, didn't realize I'd written that much.

Sorry...

[sct]

I'm familiar with the need for structure, and order, and having things be 'right.' I've also been in recovery for the last eight months. My meeting attendance is very regular, i show up at the same time for my meetings, and any changes I make, like going out for coffee etc. are added in slowly. I keep an excel sheet of my schedule, so that I can track things.
That's my suggestion, is to add in recovery to your schedule, and make it a part of your routine.

[ccgirl2]

Wow, powerful post. Usually when someone asks if they have a problem, they probably do. I'm not saying that you do now, but your habit could certainly develop into addiction when you don't even know its happening.

[HopeTo180]

EmahSym,
Wow! I think you've already started to fix the problem. Writing allows you to see how you feel without your "habit" interfering. It doesn't matter what your habit is. When you quit it, you must replace it or you'll crave what filled the void. I would suggest you try to quit for just 30 days. Like you, I would consider that a challenge and would be all over it. The problem with that is that you must replace the activity. The best replacement would be the opposite of the activity, something healthy. This will empower you by accelerating the feel good result. Before you quit, decide on the activity. Use your knowledge of yourself to pull this off. Think of all the activities you've given up for your current routine. Give yourself 30 minutes to jot down some ideas. Don't consider what shape you're in because that'll change. I just bought a boomerang (I missed throwing one as a kid). That thing is so much fun. I'm an A type personality so I get into conquering any activity. The body was meant to move! This is the exact secret of my success, the changing of my routine. I could not have done it without replacing my destructive activity with a healthy/positive one. I now have many activities which I call my "goody list". I am now on top of the world. I would have never guessed I'd break free from my own creative destruction. Keep posting! Write about the steps you take. Track your thoughts here by starting your own blog. This will be your diary. It's only 30 days. You can do it and you will be amazed at the results. Prayers

[rkTryinToQuit]

HopeTo180 that was very helpful to me what you wrote. if you want you can answer in my thread as well.
Thank u

[emmer]

Keep snorting oxy's and your highly structured life will vanish. When you run out you'll start drinking to try to ward off withdrawls. You'll probably loose your job and everything in life that means anything to you.

Don't flirt with dope.

[kj3880]

Agreed, Emmer. And yes, you are physically dependant on the stuff if you do the same amount of opiates every day. If you don't take any for over 24 hours, you will probably be anywhere from really uncomfortable to downright ill for a couple days to a week or so. I had the same problem. I was happy w/40 mg for a few months, then I stopped feeling good off of it, just got "well" off the 40. Then I stepped it up a bit just on weekends, just to get the old buzz back...then a bit more during the week, soon, I needed a full 80 mg to get any buzz at all...not good. Very expensive.

I guess there are people who can moderate opiate use for a lifetime with no problems but I don't know any of them. Each and every person I know who used them for more than a few weeks developed a problem with them.

The acid test for me was "Can I stop when I want to?" I couldn't. So I replaced that habit with a healthier one, nightly NA meetings. Good luck to you.
KJ

[ccgirl2]

kj, those people are out there, that can control their use; they're just not any of us

[windysan]

Does it say on the Oxy bottle to "snort as needed"?