Please help!! dont know where to turn

[aron]

hi, im really glad i found this forum, and pardon if my first post is really blunt, but im in a tight rope and feel hopeless, its something i have a really hard time telling anyone about. Ive been using abusing drugs for the past 15 yrs as a somewhat functional addict. Ive tried 12-steps programs, 3 short rehabs cut short due to lack of funds , and have continually failed, 9 months was my longest sober time. Ive given it everything i had, even sharing what i write here, but ive always felt alone regardless.

Im at the mercy of a mutual cocaine/crack -sex/porn addiction that is destroying me, one doesnt go without the other. At the beginning of using/experimenting i experienced sex with cocaine and was so overwhelmed by it, that till this day it haunts me and persuades me to repeat the process over and over again. And to be honest i love it, but the behaviors and the after effects are really turning my life into dust, its such a big easy lie which i fall mysteriously for everytime, i feel like ive become some primitive animal, and i know im not i have alot going for me when sober for even a short time. My relationships have suffered, along with career and all the other things going down the tubes. Ive tried seeking professional counseling, but everything is so expensive, and it seems no ne really cares, gives time if you dont have funds, and opening up to someone at meetings about this is really really hard, people dont like to get into deep topics, "keep coming back." is all too common. I dont have insurance and as everyone knows medicaid doesnt cover anything real, except a shrink who's quick to dispense prozacs or the like. This is my problem and i have a hard time finding anyone who is fimiliar with this, and what people with similar issues have done to find help, im willing to give anything to change. I want a life, a family, a real relationship not a superficial one with a porn mag, a gram, and a hotel room, and the crash with the sun coming up. Deep stuff i know, but its real, and its taking my life. If anyone could recommend something please suggest anything relevant...Im a very open, willing, trying to be honest individual, yet i have some issues with AA/NA, and sometimes have a really hard time believing that i was born with an incurable disease, i really admire many of the lessons learned from AA/NA, but also believe that everyone is unique and that there exists more than one solution to a problem. please feel free to ask me any question or dissect what im saying, maybe my answers can shed light on something too. At this point i dont care in how far ill share, i wish i had the same confidence in other places.. thank you...

[LadyTenn422]

wow thanks for sharing all that with us, I can only say you have found the right place and you are going to find lots of support here, and if you stick around you will make some great friends. My drug of choice was prescription pills so I dont know a whole lot about yours, but addiction is addictioin. You can do everything you are hoping for, its at the finish line, you just have to run hard, jump over some hurdles, and WORK at it, adn be ready to take whatever comes with quitting. You have to commit to it. Thats what I had the hardest time with, but I did it, and I am a wimp, if I can do it, you can do it. someone with more knowledge about the subject will be along, I just wanted to welcome you!!

[kj3880]

I can only share what has worked for me, bro.
I had to give it up and be honest to a doctor, an addictionologist. I found this particular doctor by going to NA and sharing openly about the fact that I couldn't stop abusing opiates. I shared, and I cried. After the meeting, I was asked to stick around, get numbers, and call them. It was suggested that I go to a meeting every day for a while, so I did. I found someone who went through the same thing as me, and they recommended their doctor, and he was wonderful.
I think that cocaine addiction is a little different although the things that cause it (trying to get away from your feelings and your messed-up life) are pretty much the same. I never had a party life-style as you describe, but lots of folks at NA did have that same thing. You can meet a lot of people to talk in depth with after the meeting. That's where a lot of the specific help and sharing occurs. You might even find someone willing to sponsor you, a man with the same problem, maybe, who can guide you in your recovery.

Right now, sounds like you need to detox??? I dunno, never having had a coke problem, but I know with opiates, I had to detox before I could begin my recovery.

The bad news? You have a lifelong disease, addiction.
The good news? We do recover!

I can only suggest what worked for me. Before NA and going to the addictionologist, I tried many things on my own, tapering off, cold-turkey, psychotherapy, all that. Didn't work. It's too hard to do it alone. My answer was NA and medical detox. I hope you find your answer before the stuff kills you. Good luck. I'm happy to talk with you any time.
KJ

[Peter]

Thanks for sharing. Welcome to SR.

You state that you "love cocaine and sex" even tough you know it is destroying your life.

I had to stop loving and romancing my addictions in order to get clean.

I also notice that you say you have no money for professional help and that 12 Step programmes don't work for you. After ruling out those two options i am really not sure what else to suggest to you. Perhaps you could try religion or I don't know if there are in free treatment programmes available where you live.Either way you need to choose a course of action and get busy recovering.You are going to need some support and I am glad to see you are at least reaching out here for help.

Good luck to you.

[sct]

I guess it would help if you could explain what some of your issues with 12 step groups are, hard to dissect if I don't know what's there. If you feel that other members are reluctant to discuss deeper issues with you- one of the first suggestions I heard was to get a sponsor- with whom I can share those "deeper" issues in a safe environment, and get suggestions.
A friend of mine, new in recovery curses at himself- for 'drinking the kool-aid' when he repeats one of the principles he's learning. I guess there is that mindset from the outside. Frankly, I'd be happier if people in recovery were a little less individual and would just do what I f*ckin' want them to... Thankfully, it's not up to me.

[40Thieves]

Welcome! I noticed that you mentioned you have Medicaid, and I wanted to make you aware that where I live, treatment facilities LOVE clients who have Medicaid, as it assures payment for services. Have you checked this out? There may be more doors open to you than you are thinking.

[chiynita]

Yea..Medcaid covers quite a bit. In my experience.
Depending on what type of medicaid you have.
Only thing is you need to follow all suggestions and aftercare for them to keep covering you.
You should be golden with medicaid.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by aron

And to be honest i love it

WELCOME!!!

The only part of your post that I found really relevant, stating the obvious but until you stop 'loving it' you will keep doing what you're doing. There are no magic cures, you can have the best rehab facilities in the world at your disposal, as long as you feel the payoff is greater than the cost you'll keep going down the path you've chosen. Something we all did.

[chiynita]

I was told when the pain outweighs the pleasure. Then I would be ready and take my recovery serious.
Took me a long time to get what that meant. I thought the pain did already outweigh the pleasure.
Not until I literally got to where every little thing about getting high made me sick. The thoughts..the urges..even the good old days didnt do anyhting except make me mad.
Then I finally got it.
I was married to my pipe. I use to talk to my rocks and pipe all the time.
Seriously. Poeple use to bust on me. I didnt care tho.
Now the thought makes me angry..disgusted...just a whole different feeling.

[hairgirl]

NIDA NOTES - Brain Scans Open Window to View Cocaine's Effects on the Brain
If you have reservations about your addiction being a disease, click the link above and read.Plus there are many more articles on the subject.Drugs and sex, and anything that gives us pleasure work off of our brain functions.Everyone has a different choice of what sets them off, but often we will keep trying to fill the void in our brain receptors because we have altered them so drastically.Addiction is a disease, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can truly recover.
And, you are correct,there can be many solutions to one problem, but you cannot fix this without finding expert advice and peer support.I was addicted to crack and I.V. cocaine use, quit on my own, had a sexual addiction, and quit on my own, but a year later, I developed with an opiate addiction.I feel this happened because I tried to solve it all on my own.I have been in treatment for a year, and have just made a decision to go back through outpatient rehab, with my psychiatrists recommendation.Although, I have abstained from narcotics, I still have not done the mental work to make recovery my priority in my life.I have had enough experience with drugs to realize this will be a part of me for the rest of my life, I will never be cured.The best thing I can do is learn how to keep my disease under control.
You have got to be open to new things when it comes to recovery.I have had my negative feelings about AA/NA too,and there are alternatives, but I keep going because it does more good than bad.Get professional help, and start over with a new outlook.I believe you could have greater success if you do so.