From rehab to...where?

[HarryB]

Hello SoberRecovery!

I'm Harry and I'm a recovering cocaine addict. I posted here about two months ago whilst I was still using.
Thanks to the encouragement and advice of several people here; I entered and completed a 28 day recovery program.

I've slipped up twice since leaving to program so I'm not going to list my sobriety time but I am glad I went through with it.

The problem now (and the 'reason' for my slip ups) is dealing with the aftermath of it all.

It seems all my fears about what would happen while I went into recovery and when people found out about my addiction have come true.

My partner and I have broken up as I wasn't able to be there for her while I was in rehab and now she's with a man who not only looks like a younger version of me but also shares the same name. It's a knife in my back that nevers stops twisting as we're still in contact and she enjoys telling me how everso much in love they are with each other.
The only upside to all this is that she's also quit using and seems in a happier place now. I love her enough that if she's better off without me then that's a silver lining I can bare.

I've taken indefinite leave from work. I went back for almost two weeks but the rumour mill and my health were too distracting.
I'm tired all the time and easily distractable; my brain is so fried that I used a calculator to work out what fifteen and thirty-five were!
Also, I always thought I had quite a good working relationship with most of my collegues but they seem to have taken the current opportunity to hit me when I'm down. Suddenly, any respect or healthy fear of my authority has been stripped and I've become a mixutre of a walking joke and a scratching post for all the claws that have come out.
My old nickname 'Flash Harry' (a friendly chiding over my penchant for fast cars) has evolved to 'Car Crash Harry' and caught like wildfire.
The only person I knew had strong negeative feelings towards me is now lined up to take over my position!

To top it all off; I'm now not on speaking terms with the majority of my family. They blame me for putting added pressure on them in a time of crisis (my father's recent passing).
They are supporting my financially at this moment but it is out of obligation more than anything.

So, basically, I'm CLEAN but that's all I've got right now.

I'm not attending any NA meetings as I found those in rehab triggering and depressing.
Right now, my life consists of waking up, eating, sleeping. Lots and lots of sleeping. Nothing else.

Where do I go from here?

[tommyk]

"So, basically, I'm CLEAN but that's all I've got right now."

That's "all" you've got, huh? You've got the basic foundation for a NEW life. Build on it, the past is gone. Cease with the 'woe is me' attitude toward everyone else, realize what you have that is positive, move forward one day at a time.

I promise you that you have 100% of the rest of your life in front of you - make something of it.

And hey... Harry? That thinking you have about meetings? That kind of thinking got you to where you are, quit digging yourself deeper. Go to meetings outside of rehab, learn, absorb knowledge, grow, be open-minded.

Become WILLING to change. Do WHATEVER it takes to change, ESPECIALLY the stuff you don't want to do.

[Peter]

Too bad you found NA meetings depressing. The NA meetings I go to are always full of laughter and I found them a powerful resource for helping me stay clean.

Anyway check out this link and see if you can find a programme that suits you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-recover.html (How do I Recover????)

[justanothrdrunk]

Sounds like you don't have many (or any friends). If you're at all like I used to be, then that's definitely true.

I've been through rehab 3 times and have had periods of sobreity of over a year 3 times now. The times when I went back to using, the pattern was always the same. I had no quality relationships with others. I had made no meaningful connections.

My last time in treatment, I followed their advice and moved into a sober house instead of moving back home. I also kept in contact (for the first time) with friends I made while in treatment.

In all cases, I had been going to meetings, working the steps, working with a sponsor. But the one component that was missing for me was meaningful connection with other people.

Now I have several very close friends in the program (both from treatment and those I got to know while living with them in a sober house). It has made all the difference for me.

Getting to know people was really tough for me. And it took a long time. But it was worth the work. Originally I had expected that people would approach me (the newcomer) at meetings. And to an extent that was true. But I still had to make an effort to contact these people outside meetings. I had to seek out the, "meeting after the meeting."

I understand how you feel about meetings being depressing at times. How many different meetings have you tried? Different meetings have very different dynamics. If you haven't tried at least 3-4 different meetings in your area, assuming different meetings are available to you, I strongly encourage you to keep trying different meetings.

I see that you're in the UK. Being in the US, I don't know what sort of sober housing they have available over there. Where I'm from, a "sober house" is a group of adults who share a home (usually 6-12 people), all of whom are in recovery. Everyone is required to stay sober, attend a certain number of meetings per week, and work with a sponsor at the very least. In my experience, I found living in a sober house to be extremely helpful. Not only is it a supportive environment, it made it easier for me to become involved in the local sober community. If there's something like that available to you and is within your means, I encourage you to check it out.

[HarryB]

Originally Posted by tommyk

"So, basically, I'm CLEAN but that's all I've got right now."

That's "all" you've got, huh? You've got the basic foundation for a NEW life. Build on it, the past is gone. Cease with the 'woe is me' attitude toward everyone else, realize what you have that is positive, move forward one day at a time.

I promise you that you have 100% of the rest of your life in front of you - make something of it.

And hey... Harry? That thinking you have about meetings? That kind of thinking got you to where you are, quit digging yourself deeper. Go to meetings outside of rehab, learn, absorb knowledge, grow, be open-minded.

Become WILLING to change. Do WHATEVER it takes to change, ESPECIALLY the stuff you don't want to do.

I didn't mean it like that.

I love being clean, I really do! It's great to know that when I start each day it wont be preoccupied with scoring, using, cheating, and lying.

I like living without all the pain my addiction caused me but I don't want to just not feel bad...I want to feel good!
I know it's a long road but the current limbo I'm in is depressing and depression has always lead me into substance abuse.
I have bipolar disorder and, despite a better medication regime, getting clean has thrown me into a depressive phase.

Meetings just aren't for me. I tried quite hard to embrace them and their philosophies but, generally, they just make me compare my old situation FAVOURABLY to those of other people there. Half of my thoughts furing any meeting were "Wow, at least I never sunk that low."
Now, that's a very bad mindset to get into so I'd rather distance myself from situations that cause me to think that way.

[HarryB]

Originally Posted by Peter

Too bad you found NA meetings depressing. The NA meetings I go to are always full of laughter and I found them a powerful resource for helping me stay clean.

Anyway check out this link and see if you can find a programme that suits you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-recover.html (How do I Recover????)

I suppose it may have been due to everyone at the meetings being in the early stages of recovery and still set in the same frame of mind as I am.

I might look into some secular recovery meetings or cocaine specific ones but I'm just not sure yet.

[bvaljalo]

Try some AA meetings, then. All you gotta do is substitute 'cocaine' for 'alcohol' in your own mind, and the programme will work just the same. Meetings outside a rehab environment tend to be totally different, a lot less 'drug talk', a lot more 'recovery talk'. You gotta learn a new way of life and new thinking patterns in order to stay clean. AA is (for the most part) where I did so, even though my addiction was to narcotics (painkillers).

If I were you, I'd get a schedule for AA, and look for 'speaker' meetings in the nicer parts of town, at places like churches. These tend to be good solid 'recovery-focussed' meetings. For the first few weeks, try to just go every day, sit down, and *listen* for an hour. Don't spend your time there 'planning a speech', that just makes you nervous and causes you to not pay attention. You don't really *need* to talk much during meetings, you are there to LEARN how these people live sober. Hang around afterwards, and try to get to know people, as others here have suggested. Buy yourself a 'Big Book', and ask for the free book "Living Sober" (an EXCELLENT book, btw) from the meeting secretary.

I promise you, I know from experience, if you just STAY CLEAN, every thing is going to start working out for you. You'll be able to earn back the respect you fear you've lost, everyone will begin to trust in you again, and you'll begin to trust in yourself and your abilities. The most important thing is to STAY CLEAN, my friend. From this basis, all other things follow, but it can take some time.

Don't give up! And do NOT downplay what an accomplishment being CLEAN IS. It is big, and it is not easy, no matter what any of the non-addict people in your world may think.

Very few of us stay clean ALONE, and it doesn't make sense to take a gamble on whether or not you personally are one of those who can. Frankly, you don't sound to me like a good candidate for doing so, not a knock (I know I CANNOT!), just an observation from 'being around' recovery for awhile now. Start hanging around with sober/clean people, people who are really 'working' recovering, and I promise you everything you fear you've lost ... will come back to you in time, if you just STAY CLEAN.

Welcome to the boards, you're in the right place

On Edit: Saw your other post about the 'comparisons' you were doing in meetings. Didn't anyone ever tell you you need to be focussed on the SIMILIARITIES, not the DIFFERENCES in people's stories to your own? When you HEARD those stories of people who'd sunk WAY LOW, what you are supposed to get out of them is a thought along the following lines "There, but for the Grace of God, GO I". My friend, the problem you describe in hearing about 'lower bottoms' than your own, this is not NEW, this is WELL KNOWN phenomenon. Once we get it through our thick, drug-addicted minds that THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME TOO if I DON'T stay clean, these stories begin to take on an entirely new meaning for us.

Hopefully you see somewhat what I'm on about when I speak of the need to alter your WAYS of THINKING in order to recover? You need to LEARN how to gain power over your thoughts and their direction, otherwise, it's always going to be a struggle to stay clean. AA/NA teaches you those ways ... not always the 'programme' DIRECTLY, but through the reinforcement of others sharing how THEY stay clean and sober.

[windysan]

Meetings made me depressed and made me want to go do dope too. Meetings ain't for everyone. It is difficult getting your head together early on. Just roll with the punches and do the best you can do with your work and your family life. Things will get much better as long as you DON'T DO DOPE. You're prolly better off without the girl. You'll prolly be better off with a new job somewhere. Be careful distinguishing the real stuff from post-rehab paranoia. Good luck and keep moving.

[bvaljalo]

Windy is right, meetings aren't for everyone.

They're just for the people that want to ... well, I'll let you fill in the blank.

Personally, I don't think Windy likes to admit how much he actually LEARNED in the many meetings he attended when he was in early recovery. In my book, if the ONLY thing you learn by going to meetings is that YOU CAN'T GET HIGH ANYMORE, then they've accomplished what they are MOSTLY meant to do ...

And for the record, I don't care WHAT BRAND of 'meetings' someone wishes to attend, I'm for whatever WORKS. I have no great attachment to the 'brand' or even the 'programme' of AA/NA, the institution of it, if you will. What I *do* have an attachment to is the notion that people need SOME kinda programme, especially in early recovery. There are THINGS you need to LEARN.

The plan of 'Hey, just kick the dope, and get on with your life, man!' ... is RARELY effective. It takes a VERY special person for this plan to work. By definition, this means there's a good chance that YOU (whoever you are, reading this) ARE NOT one of those people.

Windy, however, is clearly 'special'

[windysan]

I know many who quit dope or drankin and moved on with their lives. Those folks usually don't frequent internetsville though. I'm for whatever works too. Religious 12 step programs, Lifering, SmartRecovery, Satan, Flying Solo...whatever. Bill Wilson said there are many paths to recovery. Bill Wilson also enjoyed LSD. So there you go. LOL

[anvilhead]

OMG HARRY, you're BACK!!! i have thought (and worried!!!) about you so much!!! welcome HOME!!! i am so dang proud of ya - hopefully that doesn't sound condescending - it's meant as a compliment.

i'm sure in rehab they gave you a bunch of tools and suggestions, and there's plenty more good stuff HERE....you just keep doing whatever it takes to stay clean!!! if meetings aren't doing right now, there are plenty of other recovery options. have you thought about maybe seeing a counselor? just someone to talk to, privately....even if you don't do AA or NA, there's a lot of power in the 12 steps....

get all the rest your body needs. eat often and well. juice, vitamins, all that stuff. take care of yourself in body, mind and soul......whatever works for you....work on healing.

here's a big squishy hug for you.......

[canuhearme]

I agree with windy, it's pretty hard to know for sure when we are just being paraniod. Some times we think every one see's me the way I see me, and when I have a negative self image that's a very bad thing!
Don't be so hard on your self, being an active addict makes it very hard to live with your self but even harder to make the choice to change. You've committed to the hardest part, now as depressing as the after math feels try to see the bright side, if you were still using you may not have a job at all, it's much easier to find another job while you still have one! Also, your girl, my bet is if you were still using she's still have left. Remember how hard getting high was? Imagine your current situation complicated with being an active addict!

I guess what I'm trying to say is "Try to count your blessings!" Start with the corny stuff Good luck

[windysan]

Originally Posted by canuhearme

I agree with windy, it's pretty hard to know for sure when we are just being paraniod. Some times we think every one see's me the way I see me, and when I have a negative self image that's a very bad thing!
Don't be so hard on your self, being an active addict makes it very hard to live with your self but even harder to make the choice to change. You've committed to the hardest part, now as depressing as the after math feels try to see the bright side, if you were still using you may not have a job at all, it's much easier to find another job while you still have one! Also, your girl, my bet is if you were still using she's still have left. Remember how hard getting high was? Imagine your current situation complicated with being an active addict!

I guess what I'm trying to say is "Try to count your blessings!" Start with the corny stuff Good luck

LOL. I remember after I quit dope I would see somebody I know and they'd say, "How you doing?". I'd wanna respond, "I'm gotdamned fine you blankety blank ahole !".

I was paranoid.

[dgillz]

Harry,

Lots of good advice here. One thing stood out though:

Suddenly, any respect or healthy fear of my authority has been stripped and I've become a mixutre of a walking joke and a scratching post for all the claws that have come out.

I take is that you ARE in a position of authority at work? If so, make an example of someone, quick. Don't create the situation but the next time something happens call the person(s) on the carpet, hard. Word will get around.

Keep clean and try different meetings. Keep posting too.

[PeachyClean]

Hello Harry!!!! It's so good hearing from you! and that you are well!!! Keep up the good work Harry.......Things / Life will get better for you IF you do not use!

As for NA/AA & steps...> well they weren't for me either. Just know there are other options available to you.

One day at a time Harry. Whatever you do....> don't use.

Keeping busy (active) helped me alot.

[windysan]

In rehab and in meetings afterwards I was told that I needed to be humble. I walked around on eggshells for quite some time. Until I got really pissed off and decided that I wasn't a doormat. A little anger is healthy. Uncontrollable anger while on dope is dangerous and makes the angry person look really stupid. If your subordinates don't give you respect then take the advice DGillz gave you and make them do pushups or something. Give em a bunch of crappy work to do. Make em take out the trash.

You had a drug problem and now you are cleaned up. Big deal....that's 1/2 the US population. Crack that whip on dey ass.

[bvaljalo]

Meanwhile, about 5 minutes earlier on another thread:

Originally Posted by windysan

i'm a crappy advice giver

Those people you describe, Windy? Those people were NOT addicts. Unlike you and me. People who had to HIT ROCK BOTTOM before they stopped. You yourself tried to 'do it your way' for a long time, didn't you? And the result was that you went through multiple rehabs, and were in a state that was near DEATH before you finally found the ways and means to QUIT, I am correct? You also attended many meetings both in and immediately following rehab, correct?

Ya know I love ya man, and I ain't trying to call you out, but ... think about what you're saying, okay brother? *YOU* were NOT one of those people you described, and neither was I, and neither are most of us here, whether we're old-timers or relative new-comers like Harry here. You're right, most of the kind of folk you describe aren't out in internetville, visiting recovery websites. But Harry is. And we are.

That's cause we're ADDICTS, and these 'people' you describe? Well, they WERE NOT. And just because NOW you 'do this thing on your own', that is not that same thing as just 'up and quitting and moving on with your life' from day one, is it?

I don't wanna argue with you about this (again ) my friend, so let me leave it at this: The doors to the rooms (be they those of SMART, NA/AA, a court-appointed drug counselor, the state prison, the psych ward, or the mausoleum) will ALL remain OPEN to you. So you'll always be able to take your pick, later on, if you find YOUR WAY ... isn't working.

[PeachyClean]

So, basically, I'm CLEAN but that's all I've got right now.

Harry that's 90% of your "problems" solved! Be proud, be positive, take action. I guess what I'm saying is that the other 10% is finding a "new" passion, something that you can sink you teeth into, something that inspires you, something new perhaps. This can be an exciting time for you Harry. With the right "mind set" you can easily create a new life - with new meaning! Stay positive. No need to rush. You'll get there.

[PeachyClean]

That's cause we're ADDICTS, and these 'people' you describe? Well, they WERE NOT.

I'm an addict. Recovered.

[RobbyRobot]

Originally Posted by bvaljalo

Those people you describe, Windy? Those people were NOT addicts. Unlike you and me. People who had to HIT ROCK BOTTOM before they stopped. You yourself tried to 'do it your way' for a long time, didn't you? And the result was that you went through multiple rehabs, and were in a state that was near DEATH before you finally found the ways and means to QUIT, I am correct? You also attended many meetings both in and immediately following rehab, correct?

Ya know I love ya man, and I ain't trying to call you out, but ... think about what you're saying, okay brother? *YOU* were NOT one of those people you described, and neither was I, and neither are most of us here, whether we're old-timers or relative new-comers like Harry here. You're right, most of the kind of folk you describe aren't out in internetville, visiting recovery websites. But Harry is. And we are.

That's cause we're ADDICTS, and these 'people' you describe? Well, they WERE NOT. And just because NOW you 'do this thing on your own', that is not that same thing as just 'up and quitting and moving on with your life' from day one, is it?

I don't wanna argue with you about this (again ) my friend, so let me leave it at this: The doors to the rooms (be they those of SMART, NA/AA, a court-appointed drug counselor, the state prison, the psych ward, or the mausoleum) will ALL remain OPEN to you. So you'll always be able to take your pick, later on, if you find YOUR WAY ... isn't working.

hi bv, think a bit on this, ok

" So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here. " -- Pink Floyd

you cross a line when you think you can decide who and who is not an addict, guy. remember gratitude, dude. just saying...

Robby

[whiskerkissed]

Originally Posted by PeachyClean

I'm an addict. Recovered.

Always "recovering" - never recovered. Don't let that slip you up...:-)