How I hit my true bottom!!!

[hopefully tryin]

I have made several attempts to kick opiates and have only lasted a max of 2 weeks before relapsing mainly because I had the money and didnt truly want to quit and had no program to work. Well I am now clean one week and 2 days and it is truly by the grace of God having better plans for me, family and friends!! I have currently been battling an opiate pill addiction for well over 4-5 years now. I was on anything from Ms Contin(morphine), percocet (my personal fav), lortab and tramadol, soma, klonopin, xanax and just about any mind altering pill I could find. Well on June 10th I had a grand mal siezure and knocked my face/mouth on the curb of the concrete pool ful force and knocked out 3-4 teeth. I began seizing and choking on my own blood because the mouth bleads profusely! Thank God my friend was there and she informed me after I came to that I had began choking on my blood and stopped breathing which is when she turned me on my side and got the blood to drain out of my mouth. This happened in front of my 2 kids and her 3 kids and sister! My 6yr old daughter later told me that she thought I died!! I am crying as I write this and my heart is aching at how emotionally unavailable I have been from this addiction and what I have done to my kids at such a very young age. I was taken via Ambulance to the hospital where I ended up being admitted for about 3-4 days. When the ambulance got to the pool to pick me up from my seizure my heart rate was 140 and my glucose sugar was 34!!!! At the hospital I had somewhat of an intervention if you would call it that but after what I had just experienced, my intervention had already came from God! I was discharged from the hospital on Friday (i think) and went into detox on Wednesday June 19th. I was in detox on my daughters b-day and I cried the entire day and everyone kept telling me "but you are giving her the best present ever" and I am sure I did but at that moment I felt worthless. I am not allowed to drive because of laws in my state that ban you from driving for 6 months if you have a seizure/blackout, etc unless I get a DR to release me. So since my hubby is overseas, I am forced to move 3 hrs away with my mom, no car, no driving and I feel stripped of all pride and dignity. BUT in that same breath I am also very grateful that I DO still have my kids, my family that cares and helps and a WONDERFUL husband who footed my portion of detox. He is coming home in 2 weeks to get us and take us back home. I am telling this story because this is what the f*ck it took for me to see just how bad I really was, which was my bottom. Yes my kids were clothed, fed and cared for and we went on fun trips to the playground, parties, etc, but there mom was emotionally NOT there at all, yes I still had a roof over my head and a car, etc, BUT that was because I got lucky and married a great man. BUT today I am sober at this moment because I choose to be. I have not cried in a year!!!! I honestly thought that I lost the ability to cry, but after detox I found out it was the pills covering up all my emotion and once the pills went away the tears came back in FULL force and they feel great!! I hope to keep everyone updated on how I am doing day to day and please by all means I open with FULL arms any questions, comments, concerns, advice, words of wisdom or a simple hey how are ya today? and anyone is also welcome to mail me off this thread as well. Thanks for listening and I hope I helped someone else because the people in my current network of clean people are nothing but truly God sent
I am sur ethat I have forgotten a lot in this post so I will update it as I remember it and please ask any and all question you want, you won't offend me

[Sugah]

I was in detox on my daughter's 9th birthday. She brought me cake, and I tried not to cry. I told her how sorry I was, and she told me she just wanted me to get better. I was transferred to a 28 day rehab after, which was hard, but when I came home, I got to learn how to be a clean and sober mom to her.

If you're looking for suggestions, I'll offer this one. I had multiple bottoms like you describe. When that same daughter was three and her brother was six, they were left alone with me, unconscious from an overdose. My son called the ambulance and flagged them down in his underpants in February. I lost custody of them. I could describe half a dozen more events, any of which I would have said were my ultimate bottom when they happened, but those emotions you're describing - they always overpowered me. I always found a way to tell myself, "I'll control it this time." I always used again. It wasn't until I started working a program, found support, and most importantly, learned when I was blocking myself off from the Sunlight of the Spirit that I was able to have emotions and not be driven to numb them. If you feel like you want to use, seek support. Call NA or AA and get yourself to a meeting.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[whiskerkissed]

Thank you SO much for sharing your story! What a bottom you had. Thankfully you survived it...and are still in the glow of not taking those pills. I look forward to hearing more from you. Welcome to SR...:-)

[Tryin2Recover]

Thanks for sharing your story and I wish you luck on your journey to recovery. Make sure to keep fresh the terror of how you felt and how your family and kids felt, for me its easy to dull that and forget how bad it really was sometimes, that sneaky addict within is tricky. And always remember there is no final rock bottom besides death, if you still got that shovel in your hands it can dig wayyyyyyyyyyy deeper. GOOD LUCK!

[hopefully tryin]

Thanks everyone for what you have said. AND you are right that final rock bottom is death, BUT i simply refuse to go there because I will not leave that legacy for my children. They are just to precious to me. I told my friend who pretty much saved my life to make sure that she told me that story everytime we talked. Although I am only at my mom's for about 2 more weeks. I have been to an NA meeting every single day and just found a temporary sponsor. Which I am super excited about. What worries me is that when I leave my mom's I will go back to my hometown 3 hrs north and only be there for about a month before moving overseas with my husband so our hole family can be together and not apart like we have been for the last year and a half. I have already printed a list of NA meeting in Kuwait and there are a total of 5 and only one says it is in English so I will attend that one and hope that I can learn more from there and I pray that the only English one is not to far from where we will be living.
Thanks again

[wenchris]

Thank you for sharing your experience. My son has currently hit his bottom, they took his children away, and he has been clean three weeks. He has a long road to go but at this rate he may get them back yet!

[hopefully tryin]

BTW meant to let you all know that I called my pain management DR before I went into detox and fessed up and told him everything. I actually had the paging service call him after hours to talk to him about it! Anyways he was actually pretty cool about it and called one of the many facilities I was trying to get into because we thought by him calling as my Dr it would help me get in somewhere faster. It didnt, Money did, haha isnt that quite sad. You can get opiate pills from a DR much quicker than you can get anytype of detox or treatment for them, this still boggles my mind. This is our society!!

[ByHisBlood2]

Hopefully,

your story is sad but also wonderful. I am sad that you had to experience a seizure and injure yourself and of course the fact it happened in front of the kids totally sucks. From some of the things you have put in your post I think you are finally seeing the big picture here. God is at work in your life!!! I have learned through my many failures in the past that the consequences of our actions (although very painful at times) are truly a gift from God. It's in these moments when we are totally spiritually broken that we get a glimpse of what addiction(sin) in our lives really looks like and how it effects those around us. Because of these moments we get the chance to praise God and realize that although painful and difficult it is truly God's grace in what happened to you to open your eyes and stir the desire you now have to finally be set free from the chains that have had you bound. I am so encouraged by how God is working in your life right now, be joyful and feel his presence and draw close to him. Hold on to that desire, lay down your pride and be ready now to see things HIS way!!! God bless you!!

[TTOSBT]

So glad you are here HT!
Sounds like SR is going to be really important for you when you move to Kuwait.
Keep talking!

[Tryin2Recover]

If you have trouble finding an NA meeting in kuwait, seek out AA. Its really not much diferent and the disease is the same, and if thats what it takes to stay sober u got nothing to lose. GL

[MrsMagoo]

Thank you for posting your story. I know it must have been painful to actually put words to "paper" and see what happened in print. Thank you for your bravery and I wish you the very best - for you, your children and when you are with your husband again. My husband attends AA because he likes the meetings better. I've heard him say that NA gets somewhat watered down and tends to stray a little bit. Look on line and see what kind of AA meetings you can find, otherwise, like someone else said, you have SR and I think they do on-line meetings here too.

[hopefully tryin]

Thanks to everyone for all of your encouraging words. I am now clean 2 weeks as of July 3rd!!! whoo hoo I am so very excited. I have never made it past the 2 week mark and I have an awesome program, support system and erverything I could ask for right now, I am determined to never ever go back that old route again. Thanks again, I do have some questions but will start a new thread as it is a little off topic of this particular one
Peace and love to all