Life After Methadone Keeps On Going

[Lbad]

Happy Saturday Morning!!

((amy)) I am sorry about work... I guess the people who don't leave tips just don't know... I hope you get a good rest today...

((ladyblue)) How are you feeling today? How was the meeting? How is your son?

((joe)) just in case you are lurking


I am not one to pull any punches about untreated addiction.... On that note I am very grateful to Margo for sharing the story of her "DEAD BROTHER"...
This disease kills people... One pill/shot too many...nice sleepy sleep....ooops....I forgot to breathe I am so good, and now I am dead!!

It makes me angry sometimes... In and out over and over breaking hearts...kiliing ourselves.... Destroying our children and families.. We need to get over our selfish self centered selves and try to be of maximum service to the world instead of ourselves!!!

Thank God that just for today I am willing to stay clean and do something kind for someone else.... I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean because I don't want my beautiful daughters to walk in one day and find my corpse decomposed and my god damn face sliding off me... Dammit... I am frustrated this morning....Cunning, baffling & powerful... no doubt!

I am off to post in the gratitude threads and then ride my bike.....

Bad

[Lady_Blue]

I see your point...read it & thought long & hard about it.....I went to a meeting last nite. There were16 others there, but 2 were just realatives....it was open....this is the hardest thing I've ever faced.....FACED. Key word.....

Thats foryour sobering reminder. Nobody deserves that. Love, LB

[Lbad]

((ladyblue))
good... I am glad it made you think.
Make a decision to be a member of the "no matter what f*cking happens I will not use!!" club...
I for one have had enough of being only a taker in this world.

Ask yourself like I am asking myself today, "What can I do to be of maximum service to others today."
Mind blowing. I am still so angry.... I hate this disease....

Damn...damn.. damn.. His child found his decomposing body with his face sliding off..

I have no more words...my heart feels like it is breaking a little bit for this poor child who has been damaged forever.....

[Lbad]

YouTube - Young@Heart sing 'Fix You' by Coldplay

[Impurrfect]

I'm back on my laptop!!!

Dad bought a new router, and I hooked it up this a.m. (he helped with finding a plug-in on his computer, but I did the rest). I'm like a kid with a new toy

Lbad - I, too, was hit pretty hard by Margo's post. My uncle, who was a heroin addict, died at 50. He didn't overdose, but he had hepatitis C, and when his bowels ruptured, the hep C caused major problems and his blood wouldn't clot.

Ladyblue - I'm glad you got to a meeting...keep it up, sweetie.

Work was fun! I can no longer call Lisa "little miss angry". She is back to being a hard worker, language MUCH improved, and I am SOOOO glad she wasn't fired. We all got frustrated at one point, Sonny snapped at me, but we talked it out when things calmed down and it was okay. Lisa was running around singing the "little mermaid" song, she can't sing, and we were all laughing.

We were short a few people on the production line, Lisa jumped in to make sure we got our food, so I did a lot of her sidework...I told her "you helped ME, I'm helping you....that's what we do". It still wasn't a great tip night, but I did okay. I can handle not making good tips as long as I have fun!

I had sent dad an e-mail article about a man and his daughter and their relationship. He just sent me an e-mail in response. Told me how much he had worried about me when I was on the streets, how very proud of me his and how much he appreciates me. I put it in my "save" file and will print it so I will never lose it.

Don't think I could ask for a better night/day!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Lady_Blue]

Hi friends. I'm here...and that's a god thing.....the question..."what can I do to be of MAXIMUM service to OTHERS today?".....is a huge part of MY problem, and HAS been for a very LONG time. I'm a caretaker, a mother, wife, friend, etc....I'm ALWAYS DOING & CARING for OTHERS long before I EVER DO for myself. I AM selfish w/ my addiction, but otherwise, I am not selfish at ALL.... I am NOT selfish w/ service to OTHERS.....and at the end of the day, EVERYDAY, I feel bitter & resentful that I did everything for everyone else, none of my own "stuff" is done; and nobody has done ANYTHING to help ME....even thogh I've often suggested the fact that I DO need alot of help, with alot of things.....that IS the God's truth. Alot of ppl at the meetings have TOLD me to STOP that, and focus ON me! That if I don't, I won't "get it". I won't begin to get better, and I've GOT to start saying NO. I CAN'T help you this time.....I wish I had a friend as good & loyal AS me as I have been to alot of ppl in my life.....but I don't. You all & 2 others are the exception.....honest. I'm a people pleaser....part of my sickness I guess. I've always been the "fixer" of ALL problems....in my family & social circle, everyone KNOWS I'll be there anytime.....and I am too. ALWAYS.

In ONE of my ealier recoveries, a friend from AA called after a meeting (she wasn't there) & asked me to PLEASE come over. I got there, and she was drinking. I poured her 1/5 down the drain, saw to it that she got to bed, and called her in the am. Last Friday nite, she told me she has 7 months....same amount of time she had BEFORE I poured out her 1/5.....told me I saved her...she should NOT have called ME....being in such EARLY recovery, was sorry that she did....but also glad that I helped HER get thru it.....

It's SO easy to help ppl w/ THEIR problems! By doing that, I need not address my OWN. Other ppl's problems are much EASIER to solve than our own, ALWAYS. We ALL know that, right? I have the AA & NA big books, the step guide workbooks, the "It Works How & Why" book, the 24 hours a day (Hazelden)...and Just For Today.....they do me ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD if I don't read them & do it.....I HAVE read them a zillion times, but OBVIOUSLY it needs to be done MORE! I did it before....but lacked in continuity. The battle within always JUSTIFIES picking up again....who I WAS vs. WHAT I CRAVE.....I need to STOP getting caught up in the DAY TO DAY BS and worry about MY SELF. My addiction NEEDS to be dealt with. It is NOT going to go away on its own. I KNOW. I have to be top priority for as long as it takes. NO time off. ONE MORE TIME always leads to a million more times, until it's one too many, and no chances are left.

BEFORE my addiction, people loved my presence. I WAS THE FUN ONE. I was ALWAYS happy. I was always laughing....finding much needed humor in life...turns out things stopped being funny, and I stopped laughing. To make a really long story short, I HAD a very demanding, high paying job that I LOVED.....I pretty much stayed out of the immediate fam BS......but I've been sucked back in and it's hard to walk away from....but necessary for my own survival. My mom was an alcoholic. I was the pacifier.....the oldest girl of 8 kids.....I learned at a very early age HOW to take care of EVERYONE....her, daddy & all of my siblings.....mom was diagnosed w/ cancer when I was 5 months pregnant w/ our 2nd child...she died 3 months later...yeah. It was fast. Very painful, but somehow I managed to get thru it.....4 yrs later, my sister 15 months younger than me starts calling me telling me she has "a problem" w/ xanax (benzos) and CAN'T STOP taking them. I was caught up w/ my OWN life, my 10 yr old daughter, newborn son, husband and back to my fast paced demanding job. Such bullshit, I said JUST STOP TAKING THEM IF YOUR LIFE IS SO F'ed up! How simple is THAT? She got so out of control w/ drinking & pills I initiated her to GO TO REHAB. It had already cost her a marriage, although her then spouse was an abusive a$$hole...she was a beautiful girl, and I think the beatings she took from him started HER drug abuse; looking back. We ALL worried that IF she kept "going" like she had been, ceratain death was eminent....well....it took another YEAR of hell....but I got the call....head on collision.....she was killed instantly.....the kids WERE NOT with her (Thank God)....and I have replayed so much of that in my head that I carry alot of guilt for her death.....it was and could have been prevented. Luckily, she didn't kill the other driver. She DID break some of his ribs & knocked several teeth out.....I so did NOT understand addiction....and I SO DO get it now....I think that I've been given "this lesson" for a reason.

That is WHY it's so important to get to meetings....ONLY another addict can understand and FATHOM this addiction HELL we put ourselves through.....the high, coming down, running out, going back out for more, the being "without", the scheming to GET more, the lies, the telling ourselves EVERY NIGHT that tomorrow WILL be different, the promises to God that IF he'll "help" us ONE MORE time we'll NOT do it again, we WON'T do this tomorrow, then we DO, then we hate ourselves for it AGAIN....it's a real old song & dance. I believe that I still unfinished business here on this earth, the is much left for me to DO.....for OTHERS perhaps MORE than for me. I truly HOPE that I can fulfill this purpose......in order for life to BE good, we ALL must have SOME purpose......

I'm babbling, I know. Even though I only have a few days drug free, my brain is SO FOGGY, my thoughts are not even clear to myself......and the ONLY way I'm gonna pull through is complete & TOTAL abstinence, as well as reaching out to OTHER (recovering) addicts. That sums it up in a nutshell. All that I can tell myself is DON'T pick up NO MATTER WHAT; TODAY. I will listen rather than talking. I don't FEEL like talking right now anyway, just wanted to share.....because in order for ME to get better, I almost HAVE to.....

Asking for prayers..... Lady_B

[Impurrfect]

(((Ladyblue))) - lots of prayers and hugs coming your way.

I have always been a "people pleaser". I found out I was very codependent. I actually knew it, but never realized how much of an affect it has on my life. I started reading/posting on the friends/family forum and learned a lot about it.

I'm not saying YOU are a codie, but I know that now that I have started taking care of ME, saying "sorry, but I can't do that" and stopped trying to "fix" everyone else's problems, my addiction recovery has been so much easier.

I would get all stressed out on things I had no business getting involved in, or couldn't control anyway, and would want to use. I don't want to use any more, but can still get in a funk and realize I'm getting too involved in someone else's situation again.

It's hard to stop, but I'm learning to step back and think before I react....because I would normally just do what I've always done. Taking care of ourselves is NOT comfortable or our first instinct, but it can be learned!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Lbad]

((ladyblue)) When we do for others with an expectation (whatever it may be for) then it doesn't really count as being of maximum service to god and others.. sorry.

I am not talking about self righteous marterdom....

I am talking about something completely different. When you slave away and put yourself last blah blah blah you get the reward of feeling like a "victim" "taken advantage of" etc etc etc... (all good reasons to take a pill too)....

Being of maximum service to god and others is a completely different deal. There are no feelings of self pity attached..

[Impurrfect]

The last time I helped my friend, Cathy, out by paying for a room for her for a week, I had to really think about it. I had to accept that I may never get the money back, and I was okay with it. If I had insisted on her paying me back, I would be getting a resentment.

I've learned to look at the reasons of why I do things. Like Lbad says, if I do something just to get something back, then I'm setting myself up for a resentment. Sometimes I have to really think about it....I'll think I'm doing it for unselfish reasons, but when I think about it, I AM expecting something in return.

Thanks for making me think, Lbad

Work was soooo slow. I took Lisa home, got to meet their 6-week-old pit bull puppy and she's adorable. We took her outside and she was "attacking" a leaf, that is almost as big as her! I am just tickled pink that we are all getting along even better than before the blowup at work.

Lisa got in my car, which I've been keeping very clean, and dumped a huge vanilla coke on the floor by accident. We were still in the parking lot at work, and she got it all up and it will be okay. She felt so bad, but I told her I'm sure it won't be the last thing that gets spilled...we got it up quick, so stop worrying. I told her I'd just think of her when I smell vanilla

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Lbad]

Good Morning and Happy Monday

I heard a really great speaker a couple weeks ago.... He was from back east somewhere and he said that recovery is a process of getting rid of stuff....

I agree..... thoughts, perceptions, resentments etc etc etc...

He said, "Ask yourself, what can I get rid of next?"

The steps will help you get rid of stuff and stop you from getting too much more as well.

Bad

[Impurrfect]

Good morning!

Tonight is my "Friday" and I'm looking forward to 2 nights off!

Work was pretty good. The girl I trained (she was horrible, argumentative and just generally a pain) is now working with my friend, Desirae, and Des is ready to kill the girl. The girl wants to come back to my store, so I left a note for my GM asking him NOT to let her come back. I've finally got it where we all work together, get along, and respect each other.

I'm supposed to help Des move her stuff on our days off. I can tell, though, she is waivering about going back to the bf. If I move her stuff OUT, I will not be moving it back in...that's MY boundary.

Hope everyone has a good Tuesday!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Lbad]

(((amy))) lol sounds like a good boundry... Sounds like everything is going pretty good at work and that must be nice.
Happy "friday"....

I am now cross training w/running and bicycling.. I ran 6 miles this morning and it was great...

Off to work now...

Much Luv,
Bad

[woops]

Hey Bad

We should go into virtual training together!!
I am running a half marathon next week..................... and hopefully a full marathon in October!
For the moment I find 13 miles quite enough........................ but am determined - for my own satisfaction - to run the marathon.
Wish I could cycle like you - I just love cycling............ but its no fun in a city!
I am just so enjoying the feeling of being "fit" - it has a high like no other?
Take care...........

Amy - just filled up my car and my daughter's car this afternoon - cost me £130.00 - which is about $260.00. Really really scary? So - look out - your prices will start to soar too - I dont think there is any way that any country can escape this "manipulation" of oil supplies world wide.
Maybe Mr Bush will have to eye up Canada now that he has grabbed the oil lines in Iraq..........??
Look out Canada.................. LOLOL

Hope you are enjoying the new car........... while you can!

woops

[Lbad]

Hi Woops... I wish we could run together!! Maybe someday...you never know. Let me know how the marathon goes. I am truly anxious to hear about it.

Don't even get me started on gas prices.... so disheartening.... I am grateful that so far I can afford the increase. I am riding my bike everywhere I possibly can though. Even carpooling to meetings too.

((amy))
((LB))
((joe))

All is well with me, trudging along... left foot, right foot, breathe.......


Bad

[Impurrfect]

Gas actually went DOWN this week. Last week, I paid $3.98/gallon, a couple days ago I filled up for $3.88/gallon. I'm sure it will spike again for 4th of July....grrrrrrr.

Work started out slow, 2nd shift went home and we got slammed. Just me and my favorite manager to take all the tables, and still had 3 tables leave because we couldn't get to them. It made the night go by fast, but now I feel like I've been run over by a truck. Marilyn, (my mgr) said "I'm too old for this"....I had to remind her I'm 10 years older than her!

I have to remember, the next time I pray for business to pick up, that I'm a little more specific I'm not complaining, though...grateful I'm clean, have a job, and that I'm able to be on my feet for 8 hours and got to talk to interesting people all night. Even had a lady from MN, which is where I was born and have lots of family. Also waited on a 4-year-old and his grandpa....the 4-year-old was the perfect little gentleman and just made my night!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Lbad]

Gas here in Californina is $4.55 a gallon......... Yikes!

((amy)) It is a good feeling to do an honest days work...

Speaking of which.... here I go.........

Bad

[Lbad]

Happy Thursday.....

I am a little bummed this morning..
There are over a 1,000 fires burning in California right now.. none of which are threatening me or my area...... but... the weather conditions are drastically horrible.. We are just covered in smoke. It is laying like a blanket in the valley. It got so bad yesterday that I was coughing outside.... Worse today......

All of which means "I CAN'T EXERCISE OUTSIDE"
I am still so self centered.
1,000 fires burning and I take it as a personal attack on my exercise program!! lol

Other then that I am OK today. I slept in until 6AM and that felt good.

I did a step study meeting at my original home group last night and I felt a sense of ease and comfort that I hadn't experienced in a long time... It was good.

trudging the road this week...
I have to change the status of a relationship and I am struggling with it.... ((deep sigh))
I need to ask HP for help...

((ladyblue)) ((joe)) ((amy)) ((all the readers who don't post ))

Bad

[Impurrfect]

(((Lbad))) - I was in FL years ago when the fires were bad and I remember the smoke...it was awful! Hope you can stay inside!

I was thinking of you as I "read" the paper on the computer this a.m. There is a teenager who is part of a cycling team. He's about 15, his dad has been "training" him since he was 9 (dad is a triathlete). For the past 2 years, this boy and his friends have done a ride for cancer. THIS year, the boy HAS cancer...he has a brain tumor.

He is going through chemo, so his friends, and most of their dads all shaved their heads so he wouldn't feel like the only bald one. He can't do the run, but they are doing a run FOR him...I think Nashville to DC?

Anyway, they asked his dad "how do you deal with this" and he says "you just do it..you get past one hurdle and life throws something else at you, and you get through that".

It was really a neat article and it lifted my spirits to read something GOOD about teenagers for once. I hope they update the story.

I'm off again tonight. Going to pay my car payment (2 weeks early ), go to H&R Block because the state of GA has apparently NOT paid any attention to my amendment and thinks I still owe them $589 (I don't), then do a lot of laundry. It's too hot and humid here to be outside much....like walking into a sauna...very grateful for air conditioning!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Lbad]

I am tired and grumpy today.... This too shall pass...

[Impurrfect]

((Lbad)) - although I'm sorry you're tired and grumpy, your post makes me feel a little more human when I'M tired and grumpy. Just a reminder that we aren't just recovering addicts....we're human and are going to have good and bad days.

I think it's probably a way of your body "whining" that you can't run and bike Be careful with all that smoke, though. I worked in the ICU in FL when we had the fires, and we had a lot of people with respiratory problems from the smoke.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy