Pain and Suffering in Sobriety

[phuninsobriety]

Well, my girlfriend went back out. I found out she was using on Sunday, I caught her. She was at her Dad's apartment with her ex shooting heroin and smoking crack. I did not actually see, but I knew that when she used to use at her Dad's cause he was never home. I called her, and she admitted that and that she had cheated on me. We had been together for 9 months, and had not had a fight or any real problems in our relationship. I loved her very much, and she said she loved me, not so sure anymore. I ended up calling her mother, told her the situation and told her to get her daughter out of that apartment, and away from the ex. She went over there, but was unable to separate the two of them who lied lied lied, and ended up storming out and leaving together. She finally came home late yesterday afternoon, and called me shortly after that to tell me that she hates me, she never loved me, that I have ruined her life by teller her mom, that is all my fault..... I also found out that she has been using off an on for the last week. I hate this disease, it just creates monsters. The person i talked to was not the girl i fell in love with. I feel like she is projecting anger at herself onto me. She pissed that I won't protect her disease, and her disease is angry at me, but it is so hard to separate the person from the disease. I couldn't sleep at all sunday night, my stomach has been in knots, and I have been crying for the first time in sobriety (i didn't think i could cry anymore) I told her mother because i love her so much that I won't protect addiction. This has been very tough on me, a very hard situation. I have been in and will continue to be in close contact with her mother (who is beyond grateful to me) To have the person you love change into a monster in just a few days.

What do y'all think? Is there anything more i should do?

[windysan]

keep yourself together. if she self-destructs it ain't your fault.

[canuhearme]

Hi Phun,
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this right now. And I understand where you are coming from, and know the pain of loving an addict all to well.

Yes, I think there is more you can do, you can start by telling yourself you are the one that is important right now. She has to find her own way, you can't do it for her. She doesn't hate you, she's just not ready, and you can not change that. Step back and take care of yourself, you have given her an option and shown you cared. She'll know how to find you when she's ready.

[Sugah]

You don't say how long she was clean before the relapse or what either of you were doing to stay clean. Once a addict makes a decision to pick up, there's very little choice after that - and if the demon is awake in her, I doubt you're going to be able to lull it back to sleep.

What are YOU going to do to remain clean? Do you do meetings? Have a sponsor? Some other sort of support network? You can't control her choices, but if you're still clean, you can commit to staying clean yourself. Take care of you...

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[phuninsobriety]

She had been clean for almost 18 months, and I have been clean for a little over 2 years. We were both going to meetings, she had a sponsor, was working the steps, I think that her relapse was caused by her ex, who is her friends brother, he recently came back to this area, and is a person who wanted her back at any cost so he is ok with her using.

I am going to stay clean regardless, and I'm going to still be happy. I go to 5-6 meetings a week, have a sponsor, and a large network of friends and people in the program. I spent a bunch of yesterday with my sponsor, and have been talking about my feelings.

It is just so hard to watch someone you truly care about self-destruct and become a completely different person. I had never seen this side of her, and I had hoped not to. I never wanted her to have to go through all the suffering I did, in my addiction, maybe she hadn't had enough pain yet. I know I can't control her, and I have NEVER told her what to do, yet is hard to accept the powerlessness of this situation. I have no control, and it sucks. I so believe in the first step, that I know I can get through ANY situation clean


-aaron

[Sugah]

Aaron, pray for her - and for that acceptance for yourself. I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Emimily]

aaron - the last two major relationships i had both ended in them relapsing. i'd make jokes, like "you line 'em up, i'll knock 'em down!", stuff like that. what i knew then and know now is that their relapses were not my fault - they were on their way long before the relationships ended.

take care of you, keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be great. congrats on two years!

[Timebuster]

Dam…when you was active user didn’t you have the dr jackal mr hyde syndrome. I did to. When drug addiction takes over someone soul nothing else matters…

The fact is you was working your program and she wasn’t. ex or no ex.

What you have to do now is get together with your sponsor and find out where these feeling are coming from.

Ivan

[phuninsobriety]

I did have some jekyll and hyde, i understand that her thinking has been hijacked by the drug and her disease. She is a sick girl, and its very hard to see it happen to her. I met her in recovery, so i never saw this side of her, and it is ugly. Just so sad, and upsetting. I know that its not my fault she is using, but its hard not to think, could I have done more, why didn't i confront her when she "seemed different" "not herself" last week. She seemed down and tired. I feel like i should have dug deeper. I know thats wrong though, she prob. would have just lied. Anyway, I'm getting through it clean, and have been talking to a lot of people.

-aaron

[karma35]

hey aaron - i was in a co-dependant relationship and all i can say is well done for keepin urself well - if she does turn to you for help then at least you're in a position to help - she has to decide.....
sorry you are having to go thru this -thinking of u
Karma

[phuninsobriety]

Thank you for all the kind and supportive comments, I am feeling much better now. This with her have calmed down. She called me this afternoon and apologized for the cruel things she said to me, and thanked me for telling her mother about her using, that she would have kept using despite not wanting to. The conversation was a bit awkward, and things are still very unfinished. She is supposed to be calling me soon to talk and work some things out. There is no chance that I will get back together with her right now, but I am willing to be a friend to her and support her recovery.

-Aaron

[phuninsobriety]

Update: Well, I did what I said I wasn't going to do, and I took her back, and everything was happy and bright and wonderful. I had forgiven her, cause there was no good reason to hold onto a resentment, especially since I truly love her. We broke up last night, and it is ok. She realized that she needs to love herself, and find herself, before she can love me the right way. She loves me very much, and that is the problem. She loves me too much to continue to hurt me, because she can't accept herself. Everything between me and her happened very fast, the bond we have became so strong, so fast, that it is a bit intense, more for her than me. I realized that I need to move on, that she can't give me the love i need without her loving herself, and that sometime in the future it might work out. We are going to continue to be friends, and hang out, but much much less, and there will be know sexual or relationship stuff. Just friends. I am having trouble letting go, and its hard, because she is my bestfriend, and that is what I don't want to lose. When everything was right with us, it was the best I have ever experienced, and we are too perfect for each other to not have getting back together as an option, but it needs to be an option for 6 months or more into the future. I feel ok about it, and I know I will be happy regardless.