guess I'm feeling sorry for my self

[canuhearme]

Guys I feel so lost, I haven't had any strong desires to get high for a few days now but still I'm depressed. I've tried to stay busy all week but nothing seems to change my mood. AH is pretty much a lost cause these days, as he spends all his time locked in our room high or at work. There is no talking, he can't. I can't believe I am having such a hard time leaving behind something that turns you into such a zombie.
I understand that some depression is to be expected but that doesn't make it any easier. AH seems to be angry with me for not getting high with him, and that is incredible selfish considering even tho we were in the room together, we might as well have been on different planets. I can't sleep, my mind won't shut off. I lay there and think of all the BS that is out of my control. And to top it off, I lost something personal that meant more to me than I thought.

Sorry to dump on you guys, but I just needed to get it off my chest!

[Impurrfect]

Sending you hugs and prayers, sweetie. I don't have any great advice, as I just got off work, and really tired, and in a bit of a funky mood myself. At least I'm not thinking of using....as long as we stay clean, we can work on the rest.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[ccgirl2]

CYHM, how long has it been? Don't get discouraged. Depression is all part of the healing process. And, focus on you. Get out to a meeting, and if that's not your thing, if you have any sober friends, call them. Go to Starbuck's or the mall or a walk if the weather's nice.

My personal favorite thing to do when I'm down and lonely is to go to the local animal shelter and brush some cats and walk some dogs. They're lonely too and it makes me fee good to know at least one of us is feeling better, lol.

[canuhearme]

CC- I like the way you think, I have bunch of critters running around here so I seldom think of going to the shelter, I used go quite often, I enjoyed it, I think I'll do that again. I'm not getting discouraged, the depression isn't making me want to pick up right now, and I'm thankful for that line of thinking. I'm not sure how long it's been, I think around a week this time if I sat and thought about it I'd know how long but I choose not to think about it. To soon to even say I'm in recovery as far as I'm concerned. As far as friends go I just don't enjoy being around my pre-dope friends these days.

Impurrfect- I love your avatar. I had a black cat as a child, and she used to sit and glare at me from a cross the room with that same "I don't give a darn" gaze.

Maybe today will be different. I hope so.

[ex D-Boy]

sounds to me like your AH is the one bringing on these moods, not only is he using in the room next to you while you are trying to stay sober. He is trying to lay a guilt trip on you for not getting high WITH him!!!!!!

Maybe it might be time to find a new guy ??? you seem real nice and sweet and can do much better than a guy like that I think.

Hope today brings you much more joy be safe ~~~

[canuhearme]

Xboy, I don't think a new guy would be for me right now, but I have been thinking we've burned a major bridge when we got high together. All I really know is I've been in no shape to make any life changing moves.
His a battle that I can not fight, never have been able to. He has been on binges before but some how this time is different, something in my gut tells me he wont come back this time. He's changed, I've changed. I used to miss him, I don't any more. I used to tell him everything but I can't anymore, and even worse I'm starting to not want to tell him anything. He's all about the next high and what I feel is unimportant to him unless it supports the drug. If I tell him anything personal I'm risking it being used against me and we will both be in that room.

[ccgirl2]

X Boy, X Boy, X Boy, don't make me come and slap you. LOL. Probably NO man would be better than a new one right now. I'm telling you, a big stupid Lab. That would do the trick. I'm serious.

[canuhearme]

lol Don't worry CC I'm Have plenty fluffy boys around here. I have no need to add any extra testosterone, no no no, not with two or four legs!!

[jane_668]

Can't you go somewhere away from him for few days.It will help you think in a clear way .

Depression and mood swings are expected with Coke.It is very frustrating but it does get better.You may feel that you have no energy and all you want to do is lay down.But this will not help you.You have to try to keep yourself busy.Any activity.Even if you have to force yourself.Hang in.

[ex D-Boy]

aaaack you are so right CC!!! dont know why that didn't even cross my mind at the time lol.

How are you doing today canyouhear?? things getting a little easier with AH around or have you decided what your going to do with yourself if the situation stays the same?? Hope you are having a good memorial day

~~Scotty

[Sugah]

I have a hard time, from where I'm standing right now, understanding the desire to stop using and the simultaneous desire to stay in a relationship with someone who seems nowhere near ready to stop. I know I've been there - but I never stayed stopped long (few days, maybe) so long as I remained in that situation. I also know it can be done. Good friend of mine, 27 years sober, got sober while her husband and adult children continued to drink. She eventually divorced the husband, but now one of the children, now nearing fifty, is back with her - and drinking himself to death. She goes to a lot of meetings.

The best suggestion I have for you in getting out of this funk (which is entirely normal, but no doubt amplified by your living situation) is to find a group of sober people to spend time with. I read where you said that you weren't open to meetings, but, honestly? I don't know where else you can find the hope and support you need to get through this intact. It may be out there somewhere, but if it is, I haven't found it yet.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[canuhearme]

I had a pretty good day all things considered. AH is still sitting in the middle of his own h*ll, and I have managed to stay clear of it.

Don't worry Sugah, he's pushing him self right out the door. I'm not holding him back. I have not actually seen my husband in weeks, there is an addict in his place. I' don't know how to explain this any better than to say the addiction has replaced the love and I don't want the addiction.

As far as having sober friends, believe it or not, I don't have any friends that get high other than the AH, and he doesn't either. Our dealers, I've never seen them other than to buy dope.

[canuhearme]

This morning AH was making his lunch, he was slamming stuff around complaining about everything, I hear him say I don't know why we have so much foil, and throws it all on the kitchen table. Mind you it's not all foil, a roll of wax paper, saran wrap, and 2 rolls of foil (reg and heavy duty I know he was trying to get a rise out of me. Why? I have no clue. I couldn't wait for him to get out the door. He always acts that way when he's been using, I used to let it get to me but at some point I learned to just let it go, it's never been worth getting into it with him. But this morning, I started thinking I'll be much happier when he's gone. He's so explosive. I've learned over time to choose my battles with him, and I always let it go when he storms around like that, but I would never let it go when he'd start making a mess, he's welcome to throw a fit as long as nobody has to clean up after it. Today I just let it go, and put it up when he left. Now I know to most of you that looks like "I'm conforming" but it's not. He was looking for a fight, and didn't get it. I'm not fighting for us any more, I not only want the drugs out of my life but I want him out of my life. I don't want him to cleanup and come back, I just want him to leave.
I have a new understanding of addiction these days, one I never had before. I used to think it's not him it's the drug, but not anymore. I don't care what anyone says, he has made these choices not drugs. He has battled drugs for many years, he knows how hard they are to get away from. I've made him leave before, once he ended up selling his car and had no where to go but rehab. So we both know where this can lead, but still he wants to bring me down with him. Where is the love in that? I never saw it before, I had always drug proofed our life against him, much like you would a toddler, only with big stuff like bank accounts. Now I have to do that with my self, and I'm trying so hard to keep it together and I have this man throwing a fit because I'm not willing to let this addiction have my life. We've had many good times, a lot of fun, but I don't think they'd been so good had I ever known he'd be willing to throw me to the dogs to get his next fix. I'm so done with this man. He'll clean up, and think he can come back, but I won't let him this time. I've always know the addiction would be back, and it always did. This time I know when his addiction comes back he will hold a key to unlocking my addiction, and will use it if he has a chance.