I did it again...

[jkm1201]

Hi everyone,
It's been quite a while since I've posted and I'm sure most of you can guess why... I'm ashamed. I'm embarassed. I'm SO angry with myself. I worked very hard to acheive a truly clean life and with one very bad decision I've ruined it all. I thought I had control, I thought I really had it this time.... and I did, for a while. Maybe I became overconfident, a little cocky even, in any case- I was wrong. As they say, this is a "cunning & baffling" disease, and it "baffled" the crap right out of me.
I have an addiction to pills. Any kind of pills, the one's that make me high as a kite and the ones that make me 'zombie-like'. Anything that allows me to NOT feel my pain. It's not physical pain and I won't pretend it is... I eat the pills simply because I like them and the way they make me feel. (or not feel)
I've told my story before but it's been a long time so I will try to deliver the short version... I come from a family of addicts- addicted to anything you can imagine. One of my brothers died a year and a half ago directly because of his addiction, and another brother almost died a year ago in March because of his addiction. My other brother is an addict too- my Mom, my Grandma, great-Grandma, 3 uncles, 3 aunts... you get the idea.
I wanted so badly to be different, I wanted to be stronger.... but I'm just as weak as the rest of my family and I came as close to death myself as I've ever come just a few days ago. Not directly from my drug use, but from my hatred towards myself for the bad decisions I've made. The bad decisions I continue to make over and over again.
I have a 13 year old daughter- I love her more than anything in the world, but I'm no good to her as an addict. The scene is already set... with my family history I'm afraid she's going to have to fight this battle too. I need to show her that there is another way- another type of life that can be lived. But I've got to do something different this time, what I've been doing is clearly not working, and if for no other reason, I have to live to show her that it can be done. Unlike she's seen over and over again by myself and her uncles and grandparents.
I went to an intake appointment Monday at a local rehab facility, I've been to 3 AA/NA meetings already in the last week. I know what needs to be done, I have the tools and support required to do it, but honestly.... I'M TERRIFIED. It seems such an overwhelming task... I know I have to delve deep into my past and deal with MANY things and that scares me to death. The things that I've been running from, the things that I take the pills to forget about, I have to deal with head on. My fingers are shaking typing this. This is where I always fail. I can't deal with the pain, or I don't want to so I do anything I can to make it go away. But this time it's life or death. I'm killing myself and I see that so clearly- I've got to stop. I'm in the "oh, poor me" faze right now and I've got to pull some strength from somewhere... my toes maybe, who knows... but I've got to do it again.
So, thanks for listening... thanks for reading... I'm breathing a bit easier just having gotten some of this off my chest. I have to try and keep some semblance of normalcy in my life. I have to go to work, I have to be a good mother and wife.... the mother and wife thing..... that's what kept me alive so far, I have to beleive it's enough to really get better for. For now....
Again, thanks for listening. jkm

[Sugah]

jkm - sweetie, slow down. All you have to deal with today is not picking up the drug, accepting your powerlessness over it and seeing the way it makes your life unmanageable. That's it. Just that, no more today. With that, keep going to those meetings and listening to the other women there. When your ears tell your heart you're listening to someone who lives in a way you'd like to live, ask that woman to be your sponsor. I'm sure that you'll find, no matter where she is today, she understands where you are now. The details of our stories might be different, but the essence of them are pretty much the same.

I come from a family very much like your own. My biological kids were 9 & 12 when I got sober. I feared the same thing you do now - that my kids were going to follow in my footsteps. The oldest of those two kids just turned 18, and he's a self-proclaimed "straight edge." He won't even date a girl who smokes cigarettes, let alone one who drinks or uses drugs. They saw how low I was. I took them to meetings, and they heard people - admirable people - share that they'd been in the same place I was. This is no guarantee that they won't ever go down that road, but I do believe it evened out their assets and liabilities some.

I know you feel remorse for picking back up, and that remorse is useful to an extent. Try, if you can, to put it aside and get on with the work of recovery. Yes, there's a necessary inventory down the road, but it's not today. Today, all you have to do is ask your HP for the strength to stay clean - and get to another meeting! Get phone numbers, talk to the women! We do recover...we do, we do.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[ksos]

You've taken a huge step by coming back to a place that you obviously felt safe in before. I also see that you had an intake at a rehab and went to 3 NA meetings.

If 75% of active addicts did what you did in the past week, the sobriety rate would start rising. You also must rise to the occasion for you have the gift of your 13 year old daughter. I have worked in foster care, for ACS, and for drug treatment centers, and you know what? None of that meant s--t when my ex took my 12 year old daughter away from me. She's gone. It has been 4 years since I have heard her voice or have seen her.

Keep using and you will lose her just like I did. Make that correct decision, and follow through on what you need to.

You sound like a wonderful person who is self-aware and is scared. It would be psychotic if you weren't scared. Sweetie. Do not lose yourself, for you have a baby girl that needs her mom. And you know what? You can break the cycle of addiction, too. It is not carved out in stone that all members of a family have to die from this disease.

Keep posting until you do what you're gonna do.

[anvilhead]

jkm - what a very brave and loving spirit you are!!! anyone who has the hutspah to take up the mantel of recovery demonstrates much courage. today you are doing whatever it takes to get clean and stay clean, no one can ask for anything more!!!!!

i know right you are scared spitless and more than a bit chagrined at relapsing - what you may have lost in consecutive clean time you surely gained in self knowledge about your ability to control and moderate your drug use. us addicts just suck at that........

in rehab and in 12 step recovery you will be gifted with the tools you need to safely traverse your past, face down your demons, and walk confidently ahead into a glorious future. i know that sounds like a travel brochure and maybe in a way it is, cuz you are embarking on quite the adventure.....THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!

i can't help but think of Dr Suess here.....please bear with me!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the gal who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

[karma35]

hi
i just wanted to say that you're already taking the right steps (excuse the pun) - keep strong - everyone here is with you! And even if i don't actaully know you that doesn't matter - my thoughts and best wishes are with you
lotsa love n light to you and your daughter
Karma
the future is not written in stone

[Blue77]

I'm feeling the same way as you are. Except my daughter is only 5 months old. She is the only thing that's keeping me going right now. The struggle seems endless. Just keep posting and reading. That's what i'm doing now and it's helping. Sorry I don't have much advice...just praying for you. Our daughters need us...and need us sober. Easier said then done I know.

[Lily]

Welcome back! Glad to see you on here. Keep going to meetings and if you can, get into rehab!

blessings, Sheila

[jkm1201]

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. It's been a rough couple of days... but I've gotten quite a bit accomplished. I've been to see an addiction/mental health therapist and I really like her. I think she's going to be very helpful in my recovery. Tonight I go to my first real class at my rehab treatment facility- I'll meet other addicts and get into the program. I went on Monday for my intake appointment and that was difficult because I had to be completely honest about my use and that is not easy for me. I hate to admit failure, but I got through it, and I was totally honest. I'm so sick of lying to everyone and I think I'll only be successful this time if I tell the whole ugly truth.... but I can't deal with it if I try to trick myself and others so I'm gonna do it right this time.
I sat down with my daughter last night and told her a little about some of the bad decisions I've been making lately. I tried to explain my addiction to pills without overwhelming her, but still being honest with her. She shocked the crap out of me.... she put her arms around me and said "Don't worry Mommy, we're gonna get through this" She's such a good girl. She's so loving and compassionate, and I think I did that. Makes me feel a lot better.
So, I'm off to an NA meeting today at 3:00 and then my class at 5:30. Then tommorrow I'll drown myself in my work. Maybe not a lot of fun but at least I'll be busy, and more importantly I'll be clean. Going on day 5, whew-hoo!
Again, thanks for reading/listening. jkm

[ZombieWife]

We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Dig in.... And give yourself huge props for coming here and posting what you did. Takes serious strength and courage to say some of those things.

God bless...

[butterfly19]

jkm,

Congrats to you for realizing the problem early on and taking appropriate steps to nip it before you got out of control. I went to my first appt. with my therapist this week, and you know what the very first thing he told me was: "Don't ever think that you have this licked." He said as soon as you do, you'll pick it up again! I don't think we intentionally get cocky about it--we would just like to prove to ourselves and others that we can manage it. Unfortunately, we can never manage the one thing that spun our lives out of control in the first place. It was too strong of a force to begin with. All we can do is recognize it, keep it at bay, and work on becoming stronger individuals in the process.

Also, I wanted to point out that your honesty with your daughter is incredible. Children often know much more than we realize they do. She sees that her mommy is hurting, and she wants to help. The most poignant thoughts and words can come from the mouths of babes.

I wish you the best of luck with everything jkm! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!!!! Keep staying strong--for yourself, for your daughter, for all of us who need inspiration from people like you!

butterfly19

[jkm1201]

Good Morning everyone,
I had a rocky night. My therapy appt., NA meeting, and class at rehab went extremely well but when I got home my husband told me that although he still loves me very much he can't trust me anymore and can't be with me anymore. It nearly killed me to hear it but he's absolutely right and I have to learn to live life w/o him. I'm losing so much right now and I'm scared out of my mind but I have to keep focusing on NOT using, not running right back to my old destructive habits.
I will continue to focus on my recovery and my daughter and take it one day at a time. I have the support of my parents and brother and I hope that will be enough to withstand the loss of my husband. I've done terrible things to him- I've lied to him over and over again for many years and he is respoding to that, to my actions. Whether it was me or a 'pill-popping' me doesn't matter anymore, I have to be accountable. I guess I'm just disappointed in him for not understanding. But, he's not the addict- I am, so clearly he can't understand.
I'm going to go to work and keep myself very busy today and then pick my daughter up after school and go spend the weekend with my parents. They still love me no matter what bad choices I've made and I'm very greatful to them for it. Perhaps their love and support will help counter the actions of my husband. I can hope , right?
Thanks for listening.... this forum has helped me through some pretty difficult times over the last week and for that I will forever be grateful. One minute at a time this morning.... jkm

[Jane63]

(((jkm)))...I am so sorry your husband feels that way but hopefully he will see the change in you and that you are really serious about turning your life around. There are places such as "NarAnon" where he can get counciling and help in dealing with his fears as well.

You are correct though in that you have to focus on YOU right now and I just wanted to tell you that you should be proud of yourself for having the courage and foresight to seek help now before things got worse! Just keep taking it one moment at a time, one day at a time!

Sending ((HUGS)) and blessings to you and yours!
Jane