New to the forum, AH has bipolar and I need some help.

[Callie]

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I will try to be brief. My husband is 38, I am 37. We have been together for 21 years, married for 13. We have 7 yo twins. He can be a great person, gread dad etc. But 3 years ago he was diagnosed with BPD. He's never been properly treated. He's been to family doctors, counselors and psychiatrists. HE's been on multiple combinations of medications, but none have really done what they needed to do for him. He finally just gave up and takes seroquel only. The only reason he takes that is because it helps him sleep.

He also has a drug problem. He has been addicted to methadone and oxycontin on seperate occasions. He'd went through a rehab and was clean for about 6+ months and then started dabbling again. He said it's mainly percocet here and there. The thing about it is that he will lie to me about his use and I'm naieve enough and he's such a good liar that I believe him. I can press him and 100% stick to that lie. Straight faced without batting an eye.

On top of that he also has trouble gambling (poker). What started this last episode is that I'd suspected drug use somewhat, but not sure. This past weekend H went on a gambling binge and was gone from Thursday until Monday. I knew he was @ cards and had locked him out of the house on Sat night when he came home etc. etc. etc. Yesterday I get a call from someone he plays cards with. Apparantly several of them are very concerned about him. They'd not seen or known him to use drugs, but apparantly he was almost passed out @ the poker table, making stupid plays, slurring, couldn't walk straight, almost hit a parked car etc. They verified that it was drugs (pills). I guess over the course of the last 2 weeks he's racked up $1400 in poker debt (I had no clue whatsoever) yet to be paid AND he'd borrowed $1000 from his mom about a month ago (I'm assuming for poker debt - I also had NO clue about that until she told me.)

I confronted H about that today and he was livid, felt cornered, betrayed, demanded to know who called me. Said if they were real friends they would have talked to him directly. The guy that called DID try to talk to H, but he flat out lied and said he wasn't on anything. Anyway, I'd asked H about poker debt AND drugs prior to telling them that someone had called me. He flat out denied all of it, everything. When I pressed him on debt he started to get a sense that I knew something so he said he'd borrowed $200 (in reality he owes $1400). He also said he hadn't borrowed any money from anyone else when I pressed him about his mom he said he'd borrowed $50 from her when in reality it was $1000.

I could go on and on and on. What do I do? How can I help someone who can't even be straight with me? We've talked about divorce ALOT during the last years because I'm constantly mad @ him for something. He screws up left and right and I'm so sick of picking up the pieces from the bombs that he sets off in my life, our life.

Any advice on anything that I can do or is it a lost cause if he can't even see or admit that he has a problem. BTW, one of the counselors that he saw told him that drug use could be creating bipolar symptoms, which I agree with. But he's been like this on and off for 21 years. Any insight that anyone has to offer would be greatly appreciated.

[ksos]

Callie...

I am what your husband will turn into. 6 years ago, I had a wife, a beautiful daughter, a huge home, a wonderful job, the luxury car, the dogs, and my career was about to skyrocket.

What my wife did not know, were my secrets. I used to think I was real good in keeping them from her and othrs, but soon, my addiction caught up to me. Oh, I spent days trying to "convince" my wife that I was not addicted , that I did not owe that much money, and that I would stop.

Fact was, I owed $40,000.00 in various debts that I accrued as I secretly obtained a home equity loan to pay off my MDs for writing my scripts, my false medical reports, and m y extravagant lifestyle which I still managed to fool her with.

The mistake she made was to trust me in the throes of my addiction and believed me when I told her I had everything under control.

She finally divorced me 4 years ago, and she took my daughter away as well. I suppose I fooled even myself.

Here is my advice to you. Make your move now, for he is in way over his head and in mych more debt than you can imagine. Addicts minimize their usage, hide their chemicals, and will lie to anyone and everyone.

Leave him. I am not saying forever, but do not enable him. My wife did, and it ended up destroying more lives than just one...You need to serve him with a legal separation so that he can work on his recovery and realize how much he willl lose if he continues to bulls--t you and his family.

You have no choice, in my opinion.

[Callie]

That's exactly what I probably needed to hear. Thank you so much from your perspective. I trusted my H too, but over the years I do not trust him at all - on anything. But he is sooo good at lying and I am very gullable.

About 9 years ago I found out that my H was $60,000 in debt that I had NO idea about. Most likely gambling, he is very very bad with money (characteristic of bipolar) so alot of it was just blown on stuff and most likely some drugs in there too. So I'm not new to the $$ issues at all. It took us a while to get that paid off, I was left alone raising 6 month old twins while he worked massive amounts of hours and we completely buckled down to get that paid off. Thanks for the advice about the legal seperation. I had thought of that, but I know that is a must. Thank you for the 2x4 - I appreciate your honesty. Any other input would be great and thanks so much.

[Lily]

Can you get into an alanon type group? It really helps family members to be able to cope and not be enablers.

you are welcome here on this forum, but there is also a family and friends forum and they may be able to give you some much needed advice too.

Sorry to hear of the troubles with your husband. sheila

[ksos]

Hey Callie:

Sheila77's advice is excellent because you need to also learn about you and the role that you do play in this dance. I am not blaming you at all for this happening and I cannot even imagine what you are going through.

One other thing you need to know and you are hearing it from a person who experienced this. Make sure you have a password for this site activated so IF you do decide to make a break from him, he won't "lift" any potentially damaging information like "she posted on a drug addict message board and said......." I know you may say that "how can that happen".

One day, I left the computer on and my now ex managed to collect my "ESH", my introduction, and several comminications I had on the mental health board, for I only posted in that forum in 2003, when I joined here.

While the information she "gathered" was tossed out by the judge, I feared for my future life with my child.

Drugs will make sons kill mothers, husbands kill wives, and parents use children as weapons.

So, be careful, although it seems as if you not throwin him out of the home.

I would never scare you like this, if I was not the man who did not no squat about this particular syndrome.

Callie, you must catch it early. He is spending all sorts of money, he is away for long periods of time "working"--probably working out on how to beat the dealer or finace more, and so many other lies, secrets, and betrayol...

You Must Really Make The First Move.

Do you have a place to stay?

Take as much cash out of your account as you can...

I know how Difficult This Is going To Be...

Maybe other women here can offer their unique perspectives....





Bless you,

Ksos

[Callie]

Ok, so more to the story. Found out that AH had missed work on Thursday and Friday (on his binge and gambling). I had NO clue about that. He had his uniform on just like he was leaving. Also, came home early last night and apparantly was drugged up again (says percocet) because he said he just didn't care and didn't want to feel. I was @ the grocery store today and called him around 2pm with a ? He was in his car driving somewhere and it was very obvious he was high. I told him to park the car NOW and I would come and get him. Kept insisting he was fine and was 10 minutes away. He came home. He's missing work again today because he's too bad off (high) to go. This is ridiculous. If you would see him, you would never guess drugs. He has a great job and if he loses it, that would really send him off of the deep end. I called a local rehab and asked if there was anything that could be forced. They said no. He will not go back there, but says that he "probably needs help." I don't buy the half hearted attempt at probably needing help.

Any suggestions on what to do, where to turn? I cannot throw him out on the streets in the condition that he's in. He will kill himself or someone else if he's driving around. He has NO family that is strong enough to deal with this. His mom would be buying into his lies within 2 minutes of him seeing her.

On one hand I'm so sick of this and want out, I've been @ this for 21 years. On the other I cannot bear the thought of something bad happening to him by me throwing him out. I cannot bear that for me or my children OR him. I care about him, I love him, will always be there if he really needs me, but I cannot live like this anymore. I know that he needs to hit rock bottom, but how do I ensure that rock bottom does not mean killing himself or someone else? I just don't know what to do right now. For now he's sleeping it off, but at least he's safe from himself and from hurting others.

By the way, I'm not even sure which board to post this on. He is supposedly diagnosed with bipolar, but he does opiates to self medicate. Thanks so much for your time. I've learned so much here just in the last 24 hours. FWIW, I KNOW I"m codependent. I want to be able to leave this marriage knowing that I gave it my best, but I also want to make sure he doesn't harm himself or anyone else. I couldn't live with myself knowing that this could be prevented. I couldn't do that to my kids either. AH says he'll leave, but he's in no condition to be doing so right now. Thanks again.