Cocaine user/addict and new here.

[HarryB]

I found this forum through a mix of desperation and a few referals from other forums.

I'm Harry, I'm 36 and a cocaine addict. That's all I'm prepared to say in the way of personal information.

I've used cocaine recreationally since my late teens but it became a weekly habit just shy of two years ago and a daily one for the past three months.
I'm in a relationship with another user who has cut down recently but continues to use other substances.
The escalation in my usage is down to a mix of stress, work, relationship problems, and the death of my father (whom I hated).
I've been using at work for quite a while now and it's affected my performance to the point I've been given 'compassionate leave' under the mistaken notion I'm grieving for my father.
No one knows I'm a regular user except my girlfriend and she doesn't know the extent of it. I want to keep from discovery until I've had chance to at least cut down. I'm terrified of being discovered (it would be the end of my career) which is the reason I've chosen internet support over things such as NA.
I intended to spend the past few days and coming week to get clean but the come down lead to a massive binge (up to 6g a day).
I've had some small physical effects for a while but they are getting worse. Today I passed out from the heat and fever and vomited a couple of times from a nose bleed that went down the back of my throat.
I still continue to use because there aren't enough hours in the day for me to get everything done. Insomnia has become part of my reason for using rather than a side effect.
I've lost around 30lbs in the past few months and people are beginning to become suspicious. I can pass the majority of it off as a mix of stress and allergies but I've heard whispers from collegues.
Money has also become an issue. I have a highly paid job but an even higher mortgage and I've begun missing payments. My phone was also cut off a few days which raised some awkward questions from people who noticed.

I need a short term solution to my appearance and managing my use and a long term solution in reguards to quitting.

I need your help.

[serenityqueen]

Welcome to SR Harry

I noticed throughout your thread you seemed to realize that you have a serious problem with Cocaine. Then the sentence where you asked for help with a short term solution with your appearance, managing your using and long term solution in regards to quitting seemed to turn the other way in my opinion. Harry, there is no short term solution for your appearance, you said you've lost a pretty good amt. of weight over the past months and as you stated, co workers are noticing.Unless you have a very large frame, 30 lbs is more than likely going to be noticed. If you are an addict, and it sounds as though you are, there is no managing your using. Quitting is the only solution. Quitting is what will take care of all of the problems that you are incuring.

Stopping using is the easy part. It's what happens afterwards that will require a great deal of effort and determination. You have to be willing to go to any length. I think that one has to put more into their Recovery than they did into getting high. Being an addict isn't an easy job. For me, there weren't enough hours in the day either. There is a great deal of work sometimes just trying to cop my drug of choice. The lies took up a great deal of time, having to remember who I told what to. It was like trying to stay one step ahead of everyone when I knew I was losing the race. I lost a lot when I was using. And I'm not talking so much about the material things. Those I can get back. The years I spent living in hell can never be replaced.

Once might ask why I would have bothered to even try to get clean and sober. The past 34 months have been THE greatest time in my life. I'm finally, at nearly 46 years of age, discovering who I am. What I like and don't like, how I feel, opinions on matters that I never knew the subjects even existed. I am happy to be alive today. I look forward to each new day as yet another unknown joy just waiting to be discovered.

I hope you will read the different forums, get to know some of us and when you are more comfortable, share as much as you like. There's a great deal of love and support here. Nearly all of us have been where you are right now. Some people still are. The great part of all of this is that we understand . . .and care.

God Bless,
Judy

[HarryB]

Thanks for your reply, Judy.

I know I have a problem. I have a pretty low tolerance of discomfort which is what lead to addiction but now it continues even whilst using.
I didn't mean to confuse you with my 'short term goals' but if I could just get some sleep and some food I'm sure it would make a world of difference. I need to remain functional until I get together a proper plan. I can't go through withdrawal right now because of personal issues. I also need to be OK for work next week and when I'm without cocaine I can't concentrate - I can barely get out of bed!
Getting clean is a priority but keeping my job and my personal life in check comes first.
If, at first, I can cut down to only when I really need it then I can gets things into a better balance. I know that's not what you want to hear nor is it the ideal situation but neither of us live in an ideal world.

However, I'm still glad to hear your story. I know it can be done but I'm only just starting out - I've not even been able to quit smoking yet!
Addiction runs in my family. My father died of lung cancer but also had the beginning stages of liver failure. My mother continues to smoke, my sister lives on anti-anxiety medication and my brother is a fairly regular cannabis smoker. I think it's in the genes.

[Sugah]

Harry, I used heavily for seven years. I have yet to meet a heavy coke user who could "cut down." I tried many, many times. Good luck to you in trying, but I would urge you to consider cold turkey, and preferably, in-patient treatment. That "discomfort...[that] continues even whilst using" will only get worse. You'll keep trying to find that optimal high which is now behind you. It happens to most of us given enough time.

As far as withdrawal, with coke, nearly all of it is psychological. You've abused your body and your mind for years now. The fog is not going to go away overnight. It's a consequence of your using, and I don't know anyone who has successfully gone from using one day to being fit as a fiddle the next.

As far as short-term plans to manage your use? You can't slap a band-aid on it. You'll go broke and die trying. The only short-term plan I know that works is putting down the drug and keeping it put down, one day at a time.

Long term? NA, AA, in-patient treatment, out-patient treatment, any of the myriad of support options out there. Depends on how badly you want to get clean.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[HarryB]

Sugah, I've been through withdrawal before and the physical stuff I can handle...it's the craving and fidgeting that I can't cope with. Even after a couple of weeks the urge is still so strong. I think there must be something wrong with my brain or physiology because I end up climbing the walls like a heroin user!

In-patient treatment is not an option for me. I can't take the time off work and I DEFINATELY cannot afford for anyone to find out about this. Even NA isn't a viable option as a couple of people I know go to meetings and they can't be trusted.

I don't want to slap a band aid on this but it's better than nothing.

[Lily]

Harry,

You say that you know a few ppl who attend NA who cannot be trusted.... I am just wondering if maybe, just maybe you could be a little bit paranoid. when i was on crystal back in the 80's I was very paranoid.

i really hate to sound negative but it is impossible to cut down so to speak. this is a progressive disease. sounds like a lot of ppl in your family are also affected with this. It only gets worse. I have been there. i have even been there w/ 8 yrs clean when i picked back up and man i went down a slippery slope very quickly.

total abstinence will be the only way. if you do not quit you will permanently loss your job, home, and possibly your life. Don't let your pride stand in the way of help. I am pleading w/ you!

Sheila

[HarryB]

I do get paranoid sometimes but I really cannot trust the people I know who go to NA. One of them has a mouth on her the size of the black hole of Calcutta and she's blabbed enough things to me and I don't even know her that well!
Everyone I know is in a giant Mexican stand-off of blackmail and secrets. There are quite a few people who like like to see me taken down and I don't want to give them that opportunity.
I used to take amphetamines of various kinds a good couple of years ago so I know what real paranoia feels like. On just Ritalin and Ephedrine I ended up having a 'psychotic episode' so I'm quite watchful of that sort of thing.

I don't plan to merely cut down in the long term - I do want to quit. However, if I suddenly stop then people will know I have a problem, particularly if I slip up and they then see me using again.
In my circles using cocaine is very much like alcohol: everyone uses it but addiction is something extremely shameful and looked down upon with pity and disgust.
My family are all addicts in their own ways but they would be particularly unforgiving should they find out. My sister was disowned and disinherited simply for marrying 'beneath' her. I dread to think what would happen to me.

I'll admit that I have my pride but it's something I don't want to lose. It's prevented me from doing a few things I've considered due to cocaine and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm trying not to let it get in the way of getting clean, though.

Today, I've drawn up an itinerary of things I need in order to regulate my usage for this day better. I'm pretty good when I work to a schedule and drugs have only helped with that (ironically). I have an hour by hour plan and I'm determined to stick to it.

[anvilhead]

quit before the **** kills ya...........

[HarryB]

I'm not going to die.

Maybe it might happen if I continued to use for several more years but I'm not going to drop dead right now. I have a fairly healthy heart as I used to go to the gym quite a bit and my girlfriend turned me onto vegetarianism.
I'm quite a heavy smokers (40 a day) but until last year it was only 15 a day. I have BUPA and go for regular check ups and my only health issues are slightly anaemia and a B12 deficiency but I'm taking supplements for those.

I know coke is dangerous and the effects of it but right now my concearns are what it's doing to my job performance and relationship.

[anvilhead]

I intended to spend the past few days and coming week to get clean but the come down lead to a massive binge (up to 6g a day).
I've had some small physical effects for a while but they are getting worse. Today I passed out from the heat and fever and vomited a couple of times from a nose bleed that went down the back of my throat.
I still continue to use because there aren't enough hours in the day for me to get everything done. Insomnia has become part of my reason for using rather than a side effect.
I've lost around 30lbs in the past few months and people are beginning to become suspicious.

--what part of the above is the HEALTHY part? please don't try to defend that you have this UNDER CONTROL......you're playing with your LIFE here and i'm not gonna do the kid gloves treatment, not when it comes to a deadly cocaine addiction.......i really hope you get serious and get clean.......

[HarryB]

A nose bleed is hardly a sign of impending death! I only vomited because it seemed to come from high up inside my nose and trickle down the back of my throat. It was more the disgust of the taste than anything physical that made me sick.
The fainting was mainly down to the heat. I always get rather hot when I'm using and yesterday was about the hottest day of the year so far. I'd also barely eaten for the past few days and anaemia has been causing me wooziness for quite a while.

Cocaine obviously contributed to it but I've felt worse from a bad cold!

I'm not trying to portray myself as a picture of health but over hyping the situation isn't really helping. Whenever people have sensationalized my using it's just made me want to totally disreguard their opinions.

[anvilhead]

so far you've justified why you will continue to use.....usually if everything is going along just fine, people don't seek out substance abuse recovery sites, so i guess i'm confused why you are here....in your words you stated that you've been using coke and it's been getting out of hand....let's see had some "minor" health issues, job is suffering, losing lots of weight, people are getting suspicious...what else...oh yeah, missing house payments phone's been cut off, tried to NOT USE and that backfired into a big binge........cravings get so bad you feel like you're losing your mind......I'M not sensationalizing a thing, Harry......i urged you to QUIT THE COKE. you don't have to listen a damn word of mine........i will tho gladly offer you all the experience strength and hope I HAVE when you are ready to tackle this beast and get it behind you. former crackhead here, know just a teeny bit of which of you speak......

[PeachyClean]

Hello Harry,

I know coke is dangerous and the effects of it but right now my concearns are what it's doing to my job performance and relationship.

Your story sounds a lot like mine did.
In the end, I thought I had my using under control too. I lost my family, my house, my very well paying career, my relationship and my self esteem.....that's only the begining.

Stop now. Rehab is a great start.

[HarryB]

Ok, ok...I can understand how it sounded like I was justifying my using.
However, I was merely stating the fact of my current health but it came out a little too positive because I was tweaking and feeling upbeat about this marvellous plan I'd concocted.
Needless to say, the 'plan' was a bit of a disaster. I suppose that any plan that started with 'score an 8-ball' wasn't going to turn out too well. I wanted enough so that I wouldn't get into a panic tonight and have to rush out to score anymore but I've only got 1oz left now after a very heated row with my girlfriend.
Another step of my plan was to tell her the true extent of my usage but she acted like I'd told her we'd run out of milk and then asked her to donate an organ! She has a mood disorder and I guess today was one of her 'I couldn't give a ****' moods. It turned into a massive argument about which of us was the biggest burden on the other and ended with her storming out and ignoring all my phonecalls.
She'll probably call me, drunk, in the early hours with another pathetic attention-seeking suicide threat because I've been so 'mean'.
I can't be too bothered with 'recovery' or any of that right now. As long as I don't have a seizure or a heart attack then that would do me. Even if it did happen then I probably wont care. There's little point in trying to get clean or even caring about my job because she is eventually going to kill herself and without her there's no point in anything.

[PeachyClean]

There's little point in trying to get clean or even caring about my job because she is eventually going to kill herself and without her there's no point in anything.

That's sad. I honestly think that's the drugs talking and not you. I remember feeling the same way. Thankfully, I did come to know that I did matter and the best thing i could do for anyone else was to take care of my health first. I went to rehab. Cleared my head for a while. It wasn't the "cure"....but it gave me hope and a desire to live. It also gave me the tools I needed to repair 90% of the damage I caused due to this addiction. Getting clean and staying clean was the only way for me to continue in my relationship.....> i had to build the foundation first....> me. Being in a relationship with another active addict is like playing russain roulette.
Get some help. Start now.

[anvilhead]

Harry, i'm gonna suggest that at a time when you aren't loaded, you come back and read around on some of the posts here...there really is a LOT more to life than you are "carving" out for yourself right now....pun definitely intended.

being an addict and being involved with another addict/person with serious issues CAN BE a recipe for disaster....you can take each other down REAL QUICK....OR you can start by getting your own act together, and then with a clear mind perhaps be of better help and aid to the person you care about.

you ARE making excuses and your plan IS a disaster!!! but you're HERE and that's a start. here's something i want you to really think about...

the more ya do - the worse it gets
the worse it gets - the more ya do

vicious cycle buddy. doesn't have to be like this.

[HarryB]

No, that's the LACK of drugs talking.

I don't even mean a comedown - this is how I am without cocaine. Might be a tiny clue as to why I use it.
It's evident enough in the things I wrote earlier: when I was high I had motivation and was talking a lot more postively.
Hmmm...needing to use coke in order to gain the motivation to stop using coke. They should put that in the dictionary under 'paradox'.
When I'm high I can deal with things. I can get out of bed, go to the job I despise, talk to all the people I wish would die on the spot. Without cocaine I'd probably be an unwashed hermit and alcoholic like my so-called 'better half'.

She even got me back into listening to The Smiths which was probably an unkind thing to do. These lyrics pretty much sum it all up:

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - The Smiths:

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows i'm miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then i found a job
And heaven knows i'm miserable now


In my life
Why do i give valuable time
To people who don't care if i live or die ?


Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows i'm miserable now


I was looking for a job, and then i found a job
And heaven knows i'm miserable now


In my life
Oh, why do i give valuable time
To people who don't care if i live or die ?


What she asked of me at the end of the day
Caligula would have blushed


"oh, you've been in the house too long" she said
And i (naturally) fled


In my life
Why do i smile
At people who i'd much rather kick in the eye ?


I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows i'm miserable now


"oh, you've been in the house too long" she said
And i (naturally) fled


In my life
Oh, why do i give valuable time



Just replace drinking with snorting and it's spot on.

[kj3880]

Harry,
I love this thread, it was me exactly about 3 months ago, and it was all of us:
We felt we were different, we needed something special, and we thought we had found it in drugs.
It's classic. Harry, you're going to have to go through the denial part of this, I'm guessing, the hard way. You are beginning to grieve the loss of your love, cocaine. The first part of the grieving is denial. We all thought we could dole it out, control it, bring down our useage. We all tried it. I tried it 365 times last year. I didn't make it. I just had to stop, and I couldn't stop alone. I have an addictionologist, detox meds, a program, and lots of NA meetings, people from NA that I call, that call me, and this forum. Go to an addictionologist (they are confidential) since you have a good job, your insurance will likely cover it. Or if you are secretive as I am, I pay $100 each time out of pocket to see him and no one knows about that but my NA friends. I would lose my job if they found out, too. An addictionologist can give you some medication that may make you more functional during your detox, if you can't go inpatient. I couldn't either. I hope that you make it through your denial without getting caught up and losing everything. I really do. And we will be here to help you pick up the pieces, when you figure out there is no way an addict can taper off their DOC alone.
KJ

[HarryB]

Originally Posted by anvilhead

Harry, i'm gonna suggest that at a time when you aren't loaded, you come back and read around on some of the posts here...there really is a LOT more to life than you are "carving" out for yourself right now....pun definitely intended.

being an addict and being involved with another addict/person with serious issues CAN BE a recipe for disaster....you can take each other down REAL QUICK....OR you can start by getting your own act together, and then with a clear mind perhaps be of better help and aid to the person you care about.

you ARE making excuses and your plan IS a disaster!!! but you're HERE and that's a start. here's something i want you to really think about...

the more ya do - the worse it gets
the worse it gets - the more ya do

vicious cycle buddy. doesn't have to be like this.

I'm not loaded right now. I'm at least half an hour clear of it.

The fact that everyone seems to find what I'm saying abnormal when I'm not on the slopes is an uncomfortable realisation to say the least. It's certainly not working in the way of a deterrant.

Both my girlfriend and I know we're a volatile mix. We met at the first and last bipolar support group either of us went to. She was the only other person who seemed to realise making bloody wind chimes and unusual pizzas was a ludicrous remedy.
I love her. She saved me and I saved her.We were both near the point of suicide when we met and it took her taking an overdose to make me see that there was at least one thing in this life I would miss: her!
I truly cannot see myself continueing on without her. She persistantly tells me that it's inevitable that she will kill herself in the future and it breaks my heart. I believe her when she says it and living with tihs knowledge is almost impossible. It is still, however, better than losing her. I would walk for miles across burning hot coals just to see her or hear her voice. I even resorted to scoring heroin for her when she was being too distraught and manic to be rational.

You're right about the vicous circle of using. I want to get out before too much damage is done. I just need to find a way that is feasible for my situation. I haven't found it yet but, yes, I am looking.

[HarryB]

Originally Posted by kj3880

Harry,
I love this thread, it was me exactly about 3 months ago, and it was all of us:
We felt we were different, we needed something special, and we thought we had found it in drugs.
It's classic. Harry, you're going to have to go through the denial part of this, I'm guessing, the hard way. You are beginning to grieve the loss of your love, cocaine. The first part of the grieving is denial. We all thought we could dole it out, control it, bring down our useage. We all tried it. I tried it 365 times last year. I didn't make it. I just had to stop, and I couldn't stop alone. I have an addictionologist, detox meds, a program, and lots of NA meetings, people from NA that I call, that call me, and this forum. Go to an addictionologist (they are confidential) since you have a good job, your insurance will likely cover it. Or if you are secretive as I am, I pay $100 each time out of pocket to see him and no one knows about that but my NA friends. I would lose my job if they found out, too. An addictionologist can give you some medication that may make you more functional during your detox, if you can't go inpatient. I couldn't either. I hope that you make it through your denial without getting caught up and losing everything. I really do. And we will be here to help you pick up the pieces, when you figure out there is no way an addict can taper off their DOC alone.
KJ

I've never heard of an 'addictionologist' before. If I'd heard the term from anyone outside of this forum then I would've thought they were having me on.
However, I've just Googled it and it appears we do have them over here.
If they truly are confidential (I don't want this on my insurance) then it is something I'd consider looking into further.
One thing that bothers me, however is...wont any perscribed drugs show up on my medical records? The only time any medication I've taken has not been stored in my records was a while back when I was seeing the rather incompetant family GP who kept all his records on paper (obviously I can't see him about this matter).
What drugs are used for cocaine withdrawal? I've not heard of any that have any proven effects. I'd be willing to try some but if there is little chance of them working then I'm not going to take the risk of discovery.

[kj3880]

benzos, as far as I know, and there is some new thing that I've not tried. I'm an opiate girl, myself. The meds are subject to a lot of privacy laws if you go to a private addictionologist, they will keep them separate. Only your pharmacist should know about it. I don't think even the pharmacist would be able to tell what they were for if he/she even cared. I think we over-concern ourselves with that. People at the pharmacy aren't that interested, they see it all. Go somewhere they don't know you if you are worried. I'd say you run less risk getting caught with detox meds than coke.
kj

[anvilhead]