any addicts decide U want a divorce...

[offhegoes]

though ur spouse doesn't?
I'm just trying to gain some perspective.

[Sugah]

Are you the addict or the spouse?

[offhegoes]

Originally Posted by Sugah

Are you the addict or the spouse?

spouse

[Sugah]

You don't say if your spouse is in recovery or still using, so my experience may or may not be relevant.

I left a long-term (7 years) relationship when I got clean. Why? Well, for one, he didn't feel that his using was a problem, so he reserved the right to do coke "recreationally" if he felt like it. But that was only part of it. He was also extremely jealous, and I knew that if I tried to seek support (AA/NA), he'd be on me constantly about it.

Did I love him? Yes, I believed that I did, but I didn't love him enough to die for him....which would have happened if I'd kept using. Had I been around drugs (and alcohol) and deprived of any sort of support (if I wanted to keep the peace with him), I could not have stayed clean.

Also, I left a number of relationships while I was still using. I divorced my first husband, left the father of my son, entered another long-term (another 7 years!) relationship which resulted in my daughter, and I left all three of those, but I wasn't sober when I did. While using, I went from one relationship to another when it looked like the grass was greener on the other side, or when the consequences of my actions were piling up to the point that I didn't want to deal with them anymore.

I don't know that any of us here can help you understand why your A wants a divorce. Every situation is different, and the answers you're looking for lie with him.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Lily]

So he is in recovery and he wants a divorce?

I never wanted one cuz my husband has been soooo supportive.

Perhaps you could try Ala-Non. This could save your marriage. It will also help you not to be co-dependant and help you to work on your "stuff" and not try to change him, or ppl, places or things. maybe he just needs space? He is the RPH, right?

[offhegoes]

Originally Posted by Sugah

You don't say if your spouse is in recovery or still using, so my experience may or may not be relevant.

he has just started rehab. he been clean for a month...and used for over 4 years. the day before he started rehab he told me it was over. i didn't know about his addiction (he's a pharmacist and keep it hidden very well)i don't drink, or use drugs, and after he told me i was very supportive of his recovery. I am not perfect in what i did, for instance i made excuses for him from time to time.

[faithhopelovejr]

just keep in touch with him during rehab. during rehab, they're going through all kinds of emotions, mainly frustration and cutting through denial, which entails acknowledging things that aren't so pleasant to deal with. my XAH was a monster the first week or so in rehab (DOC-codeine). i got a phone call every day, but sometimes he felt like jumping through the phone, but as each day passed, he became a more pleasant person, and had made lots of realizations each day, both good and bad. sad to say though that he retained the information, but by HIS CHOICE, failed to utilize and apply it to his daily life. that's why we're divorced now. i love him still, but like another poster said, i don't love him enough to take my own life by staying with him while he shoots himself in the foot with self-pity and denial. good luck. pray.

[Sugah]

Getting clean, we have all sorts of strange ideas about what we want and what we don't want and what we think we should be doing. Making big changes early in recovery - or early chemically clean, but still pre-recovery - is something he'll find is discouraged when he's in rehab. That doesn't mean he's going to change his mind, just that he'll be encouraged to wait before making any drastic decisions.

My suggestion to you? If you don't want the divorce, let him know that you won't agree to it until he's been clean and in recovery long enough to know that it's not the withdrawals doing the talking. If your name's on the deed for the house, he can't put it on the market without your consent, and just because he has divorce papers drawn up doesn't mean you have to sign them right away.

But, if he does change his mind, do you feel capable of forgiveness? Living with an addict, recovering or not, is not so simple. There is help out there for you, too, if you want it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[offhegoes]

Originally Posted by Sugah

is something he'll find is discouraged when he's in rehab. That doesn't mean he's going to change his mind, just that he'll be encouraged to wait before making any drastic decisions.

actually they haven't discouraged it... they even told him that selling our house was a good idea!
i'm not trying to change his mind...just want to gain perspective on the situation. thanks for replying!

[windysan]

I know that a lot of people get divorced after one of em gets clean(or both). I know from 12 step meetings I've been to that AA/NA are "selfish" programs or whatever. If you gotta divorce or break up to stay off dope/booze then divorcing/breaking up is encouraged....I think.

[Lily]

I don't think the program is selfish if you are working it correctly. I do think we as addicts and alcoholics are selfish ppl and need to learn to get over ourselves.....I am learning how to be a much better wife and mother. I am learning how not to try to control people, places or things, thus no more nagging and manipulating my husband....my husband has told me I am much nicer.

I wonder why he is making such a compulsive decision......??

You are encouraged to not stop or start any relationships for the first year.

I am sorry. Sheila

[offhegoes]

Originally Posted by Sheila77

I don't think the program is selfish if you are working it correctly. I do think we as addicts and alcoholics are selfish ppl and need to learn to get over ourselves.....I am learning how to be a much better wife and mother. I am learning how not to try to control people, places or things, thus no more nagging and manipulating my husband....my husband has told me I am much nicer.

I wonder why he is making such a compulsive decision......??

You are encouraged to not stop or start any relationships for the first year.

I am sorry. Sheila

Thank you for this and for being so candid...he has a lot of similar traits to what you speak of though he doesn't think of himself that way.

[ccgirl2]

Windy, Windy, Windy, you knucklehead, LOL. I know what you were trying to say.

Usually in early recovery, you HAVE to be selfish; not mean, not uncaring, but selfish. It's a life or death thing sometimes. And, you've got to put your recovery first. Going to scads of meetings right after I got out caused some friction at first (mostly with my young daughters) but my husband, while he didn't like me not being around, knew it was for the best.

However, I know most programs, whatever they are, don't encourage any major changes in your life for a period of time.

And Sugah's post (as usual) a couple back was spot on.

[windysan]

Originally Posted by ccgirl2

Windy, Windy, Windy, you knucklehead, LOL. I know what you were trying to say.

Usually in early recovery, you HAVE to be selfish; not mean, not uncaring, but selfish. It's a life or death thing sometimes. And, you've got to put your recovery first. Going to scads of meetings right after I got out caused some friction at first (mostly with my young daughters) but my husband, while he didn't like me not being around, knew it was for the best.

However, I know most programs, whatever they are, don't encourage any major changes in your life for a period of time.

And Sugah's post (as usual) a couple back was spot on.

that's what i was trying to say. i need a full time editor. i told y'all i was slow.

[bvaljalo]

It's pretty much universal that AA/NA at least discourage people from making major decisions, like entering or leaving a relationship, for the first year.

Unless alcohol/drugs are the primary bonding mechanism, and/or the other person isn't amenable to being supportive to one's recovery.

It sounds like that is *not* the case in your situation, so I'm frankly surprised a rehab center would be offering advice that's so very contrary to the 'prevailing wisdom' of AA/NA. I suppose it could happen though.

Good luck to you both in any case, and feel free to keep posting

[windysan]

i heard lots of weird things in rehab. some of it still has me scratchin my noggin.

[JohnnyRocket]

Interesting. In the roughly two weeks I've been clean my mind has bombarded me with all kinds of thoughts: wrong wife, wrong life, wrong job, wrong car, wrong everything.

I was so MAD last Friday I almost intentionally crashed my car. How did I let seven years just evaporate?

You're husband is further along than me, but I'd just chalk it up to all the pent up emotions of kicking the habit. I'm going solo and my wife doesn't know (although she is probably starting to wonder why I'm sleeping in the loft....) but I'm quite sure I would have told her we're done around days 4-6. Probably could've convinced myself of it too. Who knows maybe we will be done, but first I gotta get over this and get strong.

[offhegoes]

Originally Posted by JohnnyRocket

Interesting. In the roughly two weeks I've been clean my mind has bombarded me with all kinds of thoughts: wrong wife, wrong life, wrong job, wrong car, wrong everything.

I was so MAD last Friday I almost intentionally crashed my car. How did I let seven years just evaporate?

You're husband is further along than me, but I'd just chalk it up to all the pent up emotions of kicking the habit. I'm going solo and my wife doesn't know (although she is probably starting to wonder why I'm sleeping in the loft....) but I'm quite sure I would have told her we're done around days 4-6. Probably could've convinced myself of it too. Who knows maybe we will be done, but first I gotta get over this and get strong.

so are you saying you feel the same way and u haven't left ur wife yet, or that u think ur feeling this cause of the addiction? I'm sorry i'm not following ur post.

[JohnnyRocket]

feel the same way but assume it is my mind playing tricks on me - let someone else tell him that he probably has no idea what he wants or doesn't want right now - i think it is pretty common to just want "OUT" going through this

[ZombieWife]

Maybe he feels like coming back home to you will trigger old emotions and old habits? Either way, I would just wait and see what he says if you are invited to visit him or when he's finished. He's healing now and learning how to live in the big, bad, ugly world w/o drugs or alcohol. It's probably a very harrowing and difficult experience. Maybe he wants to get through some of the tough detoxing and beginning parts alone? I'm sure they'll work with him in rehab, help him be honest with himself and hopefully honest with you.

Sending you lots of love!

[offhegoes]

thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate them