Regrets

[tangerine13]

I slipped today. Depression is the pits! Im having flashbacks today of my past, and trying to let go of all the regrets I have. I said some prayers, I always get depressed getting them out of my head and writing, that is why I have quit therapy in the past. Things got too painful. Change is good though, Im growing a bit everyday. Honesty is hard for me. just wanted to share with everyone the day im having.
tangerine13

[windysan]

"It's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done"

- Gibby Haynes of the Butthole Surfers

[tangerine13]

great quote, love the butthole surfers!
thanks tangerine13

[tangerine13]

55 people read my thread and I had one reply? whats up with that? I know everyone's time is valuable. I have read threads and in one day someone had 60 replies.......ouch, that hurts!

[Buzz Kilowatt]

You are more likely to get a reply if you pose a question . . . It's hard to know just where to start otherwise.

Buzz

[ksos]

Originally Posted by tangerine13

I slipped today. Depression is the pits! Im having flashbacks today of my past, and trying to let go of all the regrets I have. I said some prayers, I always get depressed getting them out of my head and writing, that is why I have quit therapy in the past. Things got too painful. Change is good though, Im growing a bit everyday. Honesty is hard for me. just wanted to share with everyone the day im having.
tangerine13

Tangerine...

Do you remember all of the supportive posts you've made to me over the past couple of weeks? You are a terrific person, and I have found that we addicts are so much harder on ourselves then we are on others. Now, I am not saying that you are hard on yourself or not, but I would look at this depression issue more indepth, either through talking with a significant other or revisiting the idea of speaking to a therapist. Maybe the one you previously had, was not the right one. Finally, in my opinion, there is ALWAYS a reason behind these behaviors of ours'.

Do you have a 12 step program in your life? I just do not remember if you said so in prior posts. If you do not, may I suggest finding out where an NA or AA meeting is and go! I do think that you are doing the positive action by posting it here. Yet, my feeling is that one really needs a place where there are others like you to share this experience with.

I am here for you, also. You came on and helped me a whole bunch and a very wise man once said that "one addict helping another"....

I am not saying anymore about those...uhm...steps you need to climb every so often! But, one thing. Don't destroy the whole week over this, which is why I posted my slip to the board!

[ccgirl2]

Aw, I was one of those readers. Sometimes I come across a post that I just have to step away from to think of an answer. Plus, I think regrets probably touch a lot of people a little too deeply here.

I've learned that what I've done in the past is just that. In the past. That's where it should stay. I can't regret the things I've done, just try to learn from my mistakes.

[windysan]

regret almost killed me. it still bothers me to this day but there ain't a whole lot i can do about it. getting depressed over it only makes it worse. i just try to put it outta my head and move forward the best i can. don't let it consume you. leave it where it belongs...back there in the past.

[tangerine13]

Thank You everyone!

I was having a mental health day yesterday! Im sure regrets do touch a lot of ppl deeply here. thats why I posted about them, Im not sure how to just deal with them and let them go that easily. I pray and write in a journal, for now thats all I know to let them go.

((ksos)) NO, I dont go to meetings right now. I have a huge fear of speaking in a group, I know I need to face it, and just do it, I have before in aa, so I know I can do it again. Its time for me to work a program. I dont know if aa is right for me. I went to meetings for a long time, and always used after I went to one. Church and being around sober ppl has helped me most in the past. I do believe in the 12 steps and GOD. The social worker at pt is looking into a church for some therapy because my insurance only pays a minimal amount for counseling. (very minimal)

I have a ton of material on how to work the steps from the many rehabs I have been to. Time to dig them out!!! I really need to get some of the secrets out that I have. They are making me crazy! lol.....

ccgirl, Yes the past is the past, but I believe to move forward, we do need to understand it so we can change our behaviors we learned from the past.
thanks to everyone!
tangerine13

thanks again
tangerine

[CarolD]

Some post have many red numbers as they are checked out
by spiders. Spiders are search engines that can not reply.
I don't recall any threads who had 60 replies quickly.
Please look at the dates .before you get upset.

I rarely post here as I am busy dealing with issues of alcoholism.
I can tell you this...
depression is why I started AA.
When I finished AA Steps 4 & 5
my guilt and remorse vanished.

I do hope you find answers
recovery rocks!

[ksos]

Hi Tangerine!

I used to feel that several members of SR (many are no longer posting here) were very emphatic about making meetings when I first joined up in 2003 and I resented it. I know that I have done a 180 since that time and I probably mention NA in 98% of my posts, since it saved my life and continues to provide me with a sober network, for many people have not used in decades.

If I offer NA as my ESH, please do not feel that you need to explain your feelings about not wanting to attend at this time. It is just a suggestion which I always offer based on my own experience. I am also aware that there are flaws in NA that result in many people not wanting to be a part of the forum. NA or AA are not treatment modalities, rather, they are programs that offer something that many feel is very important.

One question. I never felt that I had to speak in a meeting--but I suppose that if you are referring to the introduction piece, I understand. Maybe you can try NA? I actually do not know your DOC, but am assuming it is alcohol if you have went to AA...

If you are interested in counseling but cannot afford it, I can offer a piece of advice in this matter, but only if you want it. "PM" me if you want this advise in confidence, but I cannot tell you how to PM, LOL! I just know that others have been able to do this.

It is a sad reality about insurance coverage for counseling being so low these days...

Feel better!

[ksos]

I just noticed that everyone has a "PM" button on the lower right side of the "reply box" except for Ksos....

This is very odd????

[Sugah]

No, it's not odd, unless you're in the habit of private messaging yourself

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[tangerine13]

Ksos,

The only reason I went to aa is because in my town, the members of na do not have a lot of clean time. I think the person with the longest clean time was 6 months. I love the na book though.

My drug of choice has always been opiates,benzo's, and marijuana. However I drank heavily in my teenage years! I believe either program works just as well if you want to get clean ya know?
have a good day
tangerine

[ksos]

Originally Posted by Sugah

No, it's not odd, unless you're in the habit of private messaging yourself

Peace & Love,
Sugah

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!

[tangerine13]

Ksos,
I tried to pm you, says you dont accept them, so maybe you need to change your settings! I sent you an email.

thanks,
tangerine13

[ZombieWife]

[ksos]

Originally Posted by tangerine13

Ksos,
I tried to pm you, says you dont accept them, so maybe you need to change your settings! I sent you an email.

thanks,
tangerine13

Hey Tang...

I since changed my settings, as I did receive a message from you. Please try again since I had to first add you as a contact/friend, which then allows for your emails to get through.

I'll check back in a bit....

K-

[PeachyClean]

I agree with the others... Leave the past behind and focus on getting well today.

Which brings me to this question: How are you feeling today?

[tangerine13]

Hi peachy,
Im doing well today, thanks for asking. Yes, the past is the past. I have heard from MANY MANY therapists we should examine our past so we can change our behaviors that we learned from our past in order to get healthy. I have so much I need to get off my chest, things I have never talked about with anyone, and its eating me up inside. Im getting there, I just found a new therapist, one I am comfortable with, and can trust with the issues I have from sexual abuse.

I have many self destructive behaviors from these issues. The more I work on them, the healthier I will become. Our past shapes our future, and there are many things I need to change about myself. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

WISH YOU WELL!
TANGERINE13

[Impurrfect]

(((Tangerine)))

I'm glad you're feeling better. While I do agree we have to let regrets go at some point, I also understand why you want to understand them and avoid repeating mistakes.

When I first began working on recovery, I practically lived here on SR. I see, now, that a big part of my problem has always been that I am a HUGE codependent...always worried about other people and their problems. I started working on that and it's helped tremendously on my recovery from crack, because I'm no longer stressing myself out over things I can't control.

I've even, finally, learned how to manage my money better...something I never did.

I think it is all because I want to live my life the best way possible now. I can't change what I did back then, but I can learn from it, so I do understand how you feel.

As far as NA/AA, when I first got clean, I tried both and stuck with AA. I found tons of support, more frequent meetings, and was always welcome there. I didn't speak up for a LONG time, and it was okay.

I don't go to meetings now, but I definitely use what I learned from them and have many friends (several here) that go. I also know where the local meetings are and what times, in case I need a meeting.

I think that when we decide we really, really want recovery and a better life, we do whatever we need to and it sounds like you are doing great.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[serenityqueen]

Tangerine, I'm so glad that you are feeling better today!

Oh how you remind me of myself several years ago. I truly wanted Sobriety but when I started to dig into my past with Counselors on a one on one basis, in groups or hearing someone talk in a meeting, it brought up all of those feelings and I wanted more than anything to forget about them and to let go. For me, I had to get back to those feelings, work through them and THEN I could let them go.

Hence, the Eleven Promises of AA: . . . . We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. . . . "

That was one of them that when I heard it read at the beginning of every meeting, I would roll my eyes and think to myself, "Yeah, like that's gonna happen, right up there with fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us."

I used to use most times when I left a meeting, but I look back now, it wasn't the MEETING that made me use, it was the disease. My disease would see that I was trying to kick it's butt out of my life and get scared. When it was scared that I was going to get into Recovery, it came screaming in my head.

Speaking of PM's, I'm going to send you one with my email address and I hope you know that I wouldn't send it to you if I didn't want you to use it!




God Bless,
Judy

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by tangerine13

Ksos,

The only reason I went to aa is because in my town, the members of na do not have a lot of clean time. I think the person with the longest clean time was 6 months. I love the na book though.

My drug of choice has always been opiates,benzo's, and marijuana. However I drank heavily in my teenage years! I believe either program works just as well if you want to get clean ya know?
have a good day
tangerine

Hey Tangerine, when I first got clean/sober, we didn't have NA in our little town, so I clung to AA. It's also been my observation over the years in attending some NA groups elsewhere, and the 3 times we attempted it in town and it folded all 3 times, there seemed to be stronger long-term recovery in our little AA group.

I used to have a horrid fear of speaking in a group, and I can't tell you how many meetings I just sat with my head down and didn't make eye contact with anyone. I was so ashamed, plus I had been painfully shy most of my life.

I've found the longer I'm in recovery, the more confident I am in self, and am very comfortable in groups now.

[jazpoppy]

tangerine;

You have a whole lot of good advice here now. I just wanted to reiterate how important it is to get help for depression, especially in early recovery. It is not considered a relapse if the doctor has you take and anti-depressant and you take it as prescribed. It could help a lot! I am on celexa and I had to add welbuterine XL in early recovery (via my doctor) and it helped a bunch! Good luck and don't be hard on yourself! Hang in there.

Love ya;

Jaz

[tangerine13]

Thank you all for the great suggestions. I was diagnosed with dysthymia((depression since childhood)) During high school years,I cried myself to sleep almost every night, usually I didnt end up sleeping until 5 in the morning, then had to get up at 6! I never knew why until I was older and started having flashbacks of abuse.

I take lexapro for depression jazz, it works good for me, very few side effects. I may need my dosage increased, its been a while. Im usually a happy person until I get on the pity pot, or start remembering abuse and the awful choices I have made in the past. I know there is nothing I can do bout all that, I would like to start making better choices, and show the people closest to me how much I love them. Myself most of all. I need to love me!
Wish everyone a beautiful day!
tangerine13