Why can't I control this?

[canuhearme]

I just don't understand what gives this drug so much power over me. I've read everything I can find about cocaine addiction, but still no answers. I know they say it makes people feel on top of the world. I don't get this feeling from it. The feeling doesn't top all the great things my life holds. In-fact it takes most of those great things away from me, and leaves me with pretty much nothing.
With that said, why do I keep doing it? In the past 2-3 months I have shoot it almost every day, maybe I skipped a day 3 times. Why can't I just leave it. Like I said in my other post, I have even said no and had it practically in my hands. Why is it so hard to go beyond 24hrs without doing it?
My husband is not even trying to quit now. He's planning on not doing any more after today, for a week. Big deal, we plan that every week, but it never happens. I don't even have the will to talk to him about the flaws in that plan right now. I just want to stop this madness. Every day I say is the last time and then I do it again.

[2ala2]

I suggest you read the Narcotics Anonymous basic text.
You will find answers to all your questions.
Better even, why not go to an NA meeting tonight.
I shot up Heroin for years. I also did 'speedballs' frequently. Nearly killed me. NA helped save my life. It was the only way for me.
I should have been 6 feet under a long time ago..

[best]

Why can't I control this?

Because of addiction.

Now what can we do about addictions?

The first three steps used at NA and AA meetings hold the solution.
Admit you have a problem.
Admit that you can't control the problem with your own strength.
Seek answers and help outside of yourself.

I have a problem. I can't control my problem. Help me!
The one I seek to find my answers from is God.
There are some who don't want to believe in God and at NA meetings, they help you find answers that work if that is the case.
There are solutions. When you want them, they are waiting for you at NA meetings.

[canuhearme]

I'm addicted to other stuff too, I understand why on them, cigarettes- I tried to quit a few times and failed and when I'd light up I felt better instantly, DR Pepper- I love DP!! and when I don't get my DP fix I get headaches and low energy, moody blah blah blah, but cocaine doesn't give me much reward, it's expensive and when I come down I'm depressed, angry, tired, and broke! All for a 20-40 minute high and then it feels like 4 hours of hell.

I guess I'll just have to settle for the answering being addiction.

I know I'm an addict, hasn't been a doubt about it since I sat for hours trying to get my own clotted blood back in my arm for a little hit(long story). My arms are still black and blue from that day and it was 2 weeks ago. They are fading, I've been thinking about taking pictures, so I can remember it once the bruises are gone.

[2ala2]

Hello...what about meetings? What about NA?
Do you want recovery?

[best]

To put it plainly...

Drugs and alcohol mess up the brain. Once inside, they take over and have us want to get more. Feels like crap but the drugs and alcohol don't care about our feelings.

Caffeine and nicotine are drugs as well, so the Dr P and the smokes can be addictive also. Still though I would rather be addicted to my diet coke then to other drugs. To much caffeine can be bad for us as well but no way as bad as street drugs.

Take away my caffeine and nicotine and I get headaches also and when I want to stop them I would need do it the same way as with any other problem in life.
Do what I can. Find my limits and then seek help beyond my limits for things I can't control on my own.
Drugs can kill you. Street drugs can kill you faster.
Get help for stopping the street drugs and let the smokes and Dr P wait for another day if you wish to stop them as well.

[canuhearme]

Why do you assume I have not gone to an NA meeting? I have been to many meetings. Just not for me, yet. My husband is an addict too, he's been an addict for many years. To be honest I am embarrassed to go now. I knew better than to do this, but toss a little booze in and stir and I screwed up, not only my life but my husbands life too.

WOW is it possible that I keep doing this because I blame myself for messing up his recovery?

[Emimily]

all i can think of is that if you want to stop, and you can't, then there's something to be said for hitting NA meetings and not using. no matter what. so like, if someone comes over with a bunch of cocaine, you go to a meeting. or you call someone from the rooms. or you go for a walk, or eat some toast, or anything BUT using. NA (and AA) works, in part, because there's a fellowship of other addicts in recovery. these folks know what addiction is like, what it is to be gripped with those cravings, and how to get through them.

cliche time - it's a simple program for complicated people.

if NA's not your deal, then maybe an addictions counselor, IOP program at a local treatment center, or any other resource available. if you have the willingness to research the drug, then use that to research the solution.

[That Dude]

Hey,

I know for myself that I didn't believe that I could stop. Everything always started with alcohol then I would do whatever else. I had to stop the Alcohol before I could stop the rest. I think I kept going back, not because it made me feel good, but just because I was used to the way it made me feel. I knew the feeling, no matter how bad it made me feel, it was my life. I was addicted to chaos for a long time. If I was high or drunk, that was the reason for my problems, it was my excuse. If I wasn't using then I had to blame myself for not being good enough. I was seriously involved with another addict, she would not quit. Or she would quit for a week and then reward herself by using. I had to stop blaming her and focus on myself, lead by example. I loved her very much but we wanted different things, I had to do what was best for my recovery. I know that sounds cold or stupid or maybe you don't think I understand. I just could not be part of her killing herself with drugs, I loved her so much that I walked away. I am not telling you to do that, I am just saying what I had to do to stay sober. I know many couples that have sobriety together.

Ask and you shall recieve!

[wooforever]

It sounds like to me that you are just looking for excuses to keep using.
If your really want to stop go get help. There are places that will help. Sounds like you are going to need major help.

As for making your husband use again. You cannot make someone use or not use that was his choice.

I am a recovering addict and my xrah was using for at least over 1 year after I quit. He use to have the drugs on him all the time, all I had to do was ask and he would of gave them to me. But I no longer wanted it, that lifestyle was not me any more.

[peachy1005]

I agree with woo saying that it is not you making your husband use again- no matter what the specifics of your relapses are- you are each responsible only for what you each do, or dont do.
My wife was the source for the narcotic meds I got hooked on, she was prescribed them for a back injury, yet I dont blame her in any way for my addiction- I am a big boy and made the decision to use on my own- just didn't realize what i was in for when I snorted that first oxycontin.

[Aa_vark]

my attempts to control my addiction ultimately failed. I surrendered.

for me, today, the answer to the question you asked " why cant I control my addiction" is simply that i am an addict.

I can really relate to what you're saying.

But, if you're asking "HOW can I control my addiction", i never came up with an answer to that question that worked for me.

Im clean today. I have found a solution that works, in practicing the 12 steps. It doesnt involve control.

[canuhearme]

There have been days I wanted to quit so bad, I don't THINK today is really one of them. I keep coming here to remind me I DO WANT TO STOP. Anyway, I think I found the answer to my questions.

Men, if you don't like hearing about women stuff then maybe you should stop reading now

I kept wondering why there were times I'd feel like I didn't even want it, while other times I really did and times I just didn't like it while other times I did.

Seems some studies have shown that women get higher and crave it more during the first half of our cycle! There is a lot of technical garble in this and it'll take some time to figure it all out, but I think it's going to help me better understand what and why I'm feeling the way I do. If I know craving will be stronger at times and I know when they will hit hardest I think I'll be better prepared. It's worth understanding to me.

[Peter]

What do you want to control?

If you want to control your using or the effects that drugs have on you then NA is definately not going to work for you.

NA is a programme of complete abstainance.

I tried for 16 years to control my using. I foolishly thought I could regulate the amount of drugs I pumped into my system or even how the drugs would affect me. I am an addict, for me there is no such thing as one or two or seventeen.

True control for me is not taking that first hit.

[canuhearme]

I am not debating control, I want to quit, and never touch it again. AND yes I want to quit (most of the time) more than I want to feel the high. Thats why it's so confusing to me every time I do it again. It's almost like an auto pilot takes over, or this is how I recall it each time. So- I want to control me. THIS DRUG REALLY DOESN'T DO THAT MUCH FOR ME, so why is it controlling me?

[Paulie]

AND yes I want to quit (most of the time) more than I want to feel the high

It is the most of the time in your sentence that is holding you back.

Just my 4 cents. I had to have NO reservations to get and stay clean.

[canuhearme]

sounds easy enough doesn't it.

[Peter]

Originally Posted by canuhearme

The feeling doesn't top all the great things my life holds. In-fact it takes most of those great things away from me, and leaves me with pretty much nothing.
With that said, why do I keep doing it?

This is what happened to me at the end stages of my using. There was a brief period early in my using days when I could remember the wonderful feeling of euphoria that drugs had on me. It was this memory that kept me going back again and again. I spent the better part of my youth chasing a high that was elusive and fleeting.

[Paulie]

sounds easy enough doesn't it.

No it is not easy. But IMO until a person lets go of reservations, it is even harder.

[anvilhead]

ya know what? it IS that easy, it's getting to that level of acceptance that's tough!!! trust me, i fought the whole way, kicking and screaming, to surrender....surrendering to the fact that i AM an addict, and that this drug cocaine just whips my A$$ and i swear i could go to the middle of antartica and have a lobotomy and the THOUGHT of using would still find me.

it's just the way it is. and it will never change. because of it's hugely addictive properties it won't go quietly. because of how the chemicals act upon my brain, my thinking process has been rewired. instead of one remote LAUNCH button up there, i have about 52. hard not to bump into one and fire the rockets.....

but, with time and practice and diligence and a commitment to stay clean, the electrical impulse pathways in my brain can be rerouted. i can learn to avoid hitting the launch button. every time i say NO to that evil drug from hell, my resolve and my recovery grow stronger.

what hand do your brush your teeth with? ok, starting tomorrow and from here on out, use the other hand exclusively. i bet by tomorrow morning you forget you were switching....and you'll be well into it before you realize "oh yeah, that's right, i don't do it this way anymore" and i bet it takes days and days and months and months of practice before using the other hand becomes second nature.

recovery is just like that. changing a habit that has become so second nature we hardly think while doing it.....

[canuhearme]

If you guys read my other post then you'll know that I wanted to stop this before I hit rock bottom. Well, I am pretty dang close to hitting it, but it can get worse. I still have internet , and enough money to pay the bills. Groceries will be limited, but I can make it happen.
Last night was pretty sad, AH and I bother got to the point of "what have we done to our life", and as paranoid as I think a person can get. At around midnight we threw everything away. We both agreed we are glad it's over. It's just not fun anymore, it hasn't been for awhile now.
I think we will have a big test a head of us, you see we lost some dope in our car last night! Turned it upside down but it's just gone. Gone is good, unless it shows up. Or a cop finds it!

OH, and my dog still hasn't had her puppies. Wrote about her in another post I think it was 9.5 hours and going nuts. My poor baby is miserable, she can't even jump on the furniture. She's very restless today.

[Barto]

I was joking a bit in the other thread. But by definition addiction implies a lack of control or powerlessness. It is likely that the reason you lack control is that you are simply, like many of us here, an alcoholic and / or an addict. I will now speak with reference to AA because I don’t know where NA philosophy departs from AA philosophy, and my experience is with AA.

What AA teaches is that we have a two-fold disease: a “physical allergy” coupled with a “mental obsession.” And it is the second prong of the disease that is the killer because it is that mental obsession that is arguably untreatable through conventional methods. The first prong is easy. You can get the alcohol and drugs out of the alcoholic or addict by locking him up. And this has been done. But time and time again, alcoholics would leave the (then) sanitarium stark sober, only to wind up drunk and desolate in a short period of time.

What AA (and those who subscribe to the disease theory of alcoholism) believe is that alcoholics have peculiar mental twists that prevent alcoholics from being able to stay away from the first drink (illicit drug). It is this, the literally sick mind of the alcoholic, that ignores the past, tells the alcoholic that this time it’ll be different, or simply does nothing to prevent the alcoholic from picking up the first drink (illicit drug) even after lengths of sobriety. Without help, many of us – real alcoholics – believe it is too much for us. We cannot keep from picking up the first drink despite that the past should have taught many times over that once we “pick up” we are in big, big trouble. Perhaps put another way, I cannot fix this broken thing (my head) with this broken thing. But it is through this surrender that many have found recovery.

The bottom line is that the 12 steps teach us to find, or tap into, power. Instead of writing a book here, I will now suggest reading the book “Alcoholics Anonymous,” if you are an alcoholic, which it sounds like you may be. If you are not alcoholic, you may want to read or reread some of NA’s literature.

There is a solution to your problem. There is absolutely no medical need for cocaine or alcohol known to man today.

[windysan]

Can we talk about powerlessness now? In this thread too?

Thanks.

Your Friend,
Windysan

[Barto]

Don’t you go there Windy. Don’t you do it damn it! Shoot, you already did, didn’t you. You just had to do it. Well, I’d edit that word, but I can’t. I’ll post pics of my Easter basket though.