An open letter to someone I love...

[_If_]

I just got off the phone with my bf. We fought. We hung up angry. He turned off his cell. Here is the email I just sent him. For some reason, I really felt the need to share it. One note, he is currently on Dr. prescribed fentanyl patch, but consistently fails to make his refill date & justifies buying heroin to avoid withdrawals... (I also included a little background info after the email)

Dear ****,

Sorry that you got so upset, however I was not at all out of line. If you call me and tell me that you purchased heroin, I am going to say "That is not OK". I am really unsure why that confused you. I didn't yell at you initially. I simply stated, "That is not OK". You seemed unhappy that I said that, so I explained why I felt that was not OK. I made a huge effort to convey to you that I was not mad at you. You still didn't seem to like my explanation. I explained a third time. You replied with something similar to, "well, I guess that will just have to do" in a less-than-thrilled tone of voice. I am sorry that I do not condone your use of painkillers. I do not condone fentanyl or heroin. I do not condone oxycontin or percocet or vicodin. Those painkillers have taken someone that I really loved away from me & left me with someone who, honestly, I don't like. Sorry. Fact. Get over it. I was happier than you can imagine when you told me that you are going off the painkillers. I am very sorry that you had a setback. I still do not condone the purchase of heroin. However, I was not angry about it. Here is the deal. How many times over the past several years, months, etc have you needed to purchase heroin to avoid going into withdrawals? How many times have I said, "It is OK, I understand"? How well did that reaction discourage you from continuing that pattern of behavior? Here is the answer - It didn't. Therefore, while I can say that I am glad you have made the choice to go off of the painkillers, and I am sorry that you had a setback in getting an appointment to get started on a regimen of Suboxone, and I understand the fact that you do not want to go into withdrawals, and I am not *angry* than you purchased heroin to stave off the withdrawals - none of that changes the fact that I do not condone your actions. Just because I do not condone your purchase, does not equate to "I am angry with you". I just cannot, in good conscience, continue, in any way at all, making it any easier for you to rationalize or justify purchasing heroin. I want, more than anything in this world, for you to get well. I think that my part in that, at the moment, is to be hard on you. But, I still want you to know that I love you. Get well. Come home. I will be here & I *will* wait. However, I will *not* wait forever. Again, I do love you.

I know you don't believe in God, but that also doesn't change the fact that I pray for you every night.


A little background info -
My bf of four years lost his job over two years ago. Interestingly enough, shortly after he lost his job, his Dr. put him on a pain patch for opiod tolerant patients - fentanyl (100 microgram/hr patch swapped every 48 hrs). Since then, this wonderful, brilliant guy, that used to one of the best in his industry - has managed to send out his resume 4 times and go on two interviews (both of which he did not follow up on at all). He has found everything on the planet but himself to blame for that. I enabled him by telling him that it was OK, life had dealt him a ****** hand. I thought I was encouraging him, protecting his self-image, etc... After a year or so, we started fighting all the time. Money became an issue. He also has been missing his refill dates pretty drastically lately (around a week or so at this point) & buying heroin...."just a little to tide me over until my patch refill" more and more frequently. I got frustrated at his lack of action, lack of self-control & lack of responsibility (it was everyone's fault but his)... Then, a month ago, I lost my job. In the first week, I went on more interviews than he had in two years. I didn't let an opportunity slip by to remind him of that. I finally realized that was not doing either of us any good. So, I made the decision to ask him to move out until he makes a drastic change in his personality (cheerful instead of always depressed, optimistic vs pessimistic, self-reliant, not blaming anyone or anything for problems, happy, etc...) & finds gainful employment. While I know that fentanyl is useful for chronic pain (and chronic pain can be severely debilitating), I dated him for the two years prior to the fentanyl & for two another two years while he has been on it. Two different people. Initially I attributed it to job loss (he started the patch right after he lost his job). However, at this point, based on several factors, I feel very strongly that his problems are due, at least in some part, to the fentanyl patch.

Thanks for reading...
_If_

[Jane63]

I'm so sorry you are going through such a painful time! As addicts, we often do not see the pain and suffering we are putting our loved ones through as we stumble through life!

There is a forum here below for "Friends and Family of Substance Abusers" and people there that can give you support, info and advice on how to deal with what your going through.
Best of luck to you and yours,
~Jane

[peachy1005]

hey if- sorry to hear about the drama going on in your life- just wanted to say a few things-
I can completely understand the need for some people to be on long-term pain management, including fentanyl and oxycontin if prescribed for legitimate pain issues. There is a reason they make this stuff. My wife is prescribed oxycontin and norco for her pain, and has been on them for 2+ years now, and would not be able to function normally without them- for her they are truly a blessing, a chance to be a normal, productive citizen. I made the mistake of getting hooked on them, and just went throught the worst withdrawal of my life coming off-didnt know what I was getting myself into when I started.
However, I absolutely do not condone the substitution of heroin, or the purchase of black-market narcs to "get him through" till his next script. He needs to be under the supervision of an md during the course of his treatment, and if he is using illegals, it has obviously gotten out of control for him.
All I can recommend is that you give him the time to figure this out, and to do something about it. Hopefully he will realize what he is giving up by choosing to use illegal drugs, and will make the right choice to discontinue.

[_If_]

Thanks to you all for your replies. Sorry that it has taken me so long to respond. My Internet connection has been flaky, at best, lately.

First of all, here is a quick update. I was really starting to worry about my bf, I had not heard from him all week. He finally sent me the following text message earlier today:

I am very sorry. Partially due to being frustrated about the other night & part to not using the H i bought and having to wallow in hell. Started meds friday.

So, the good news is, even though he bought the heroin, unless he is not telling the truth in the text, he did not use it. He also started on *doctor* prescribed Suboxone on Friday. YAY!!!

@Jane63 - sorry if I was posting in the wrong place =) I guess I am so used to this forum, as I am in my own recovery as well (CM - 8th round, 36 days). I feel pretty confident that I will stay quit this time through, as - for the first time ever, I am working in a place that does random drug testing. We have an *on site* testing facility! Almost every time that I have started back up in the past has been due to - "let's just party this weekend". The *weekend* usually lasted 8 months or so. I didn't have to worry about testing in any of my previous jobs. However, I love the new job & do NOT want to lose it, so I have a feeling that I will behave.

@Peachy1005 - I have struggled over and over with the question of "does he need it". I have known him for 4 years. The first 2 years, there were no pain meds (granted, we both had a few rounds with CM). He was fine - very little pain. He was active. He held down a great job. Then he went on the Fentanyl. For the first 6 months it seemed to be a wonder-drug. Then, one day, I found out that he was *supplementing* with heroin. I nagged, he hid it. He went from 25mcg/72hr to 50mcg/72hr to 100mcg/48hr. The *doc* prescribing it was aware of his past heroin addiction. Yet, he did absolutely nothing to monitor him for signs of abuse. His dealer (my old CM dealer) finally called me one day to tell me that he was cutting his patches up and eating them. People die from that. I kicked him out shortly after that. He "cleaned up". I let him come back home. He started "supplementing" again. We went through that cycle a few times (at that point, I was still using myself). I lost my job early Feb. Interestingly enough, not due to my use, rather, due to the problems I kept having with his. However, I was smart enough to take that as a wake-up call. I kicked my habit & I asked him to move out until he is 100% clean & gainfully employed.

PS - he did tell me that, at this point, the pain-killing effect of everything has worn off 100%. He said that the pain is not nearly as bad as he thought it would be. Withdrawals, however, are hell.

I know that I tend to get a bit verbose, but thanks much for listening.

_If_

[ccgirl2]

If, your last statement stood out. So many times I put off quitting for fear of the pain of w/ds. It sure does suck at first, but in the long run, it's sooo much better, and it's weird because when I've detoxed I've always expected the worst and it didn't seem as bad as I thought it would.

[_If_]

@ccgirl2 - thanks so much for your input. living beside him for so long & knowing he is in pain have been the things that make it so hard for me. i really love the guy, otherwise it would be easy. if i didn't care, then i could say - tough crap, detox. i do care. a lot. but that caring means that i want to see him well. especially being an addict myself, i understand the inner demons & the driving forces. your input means a lot. i need to hear that i am not being mean by standing firm, rather that i am doing the right thing.

best of luck with your recovery as well. stay strong. always.

_If_

[Omm anomanom]

It takes ages to realise that you have to just say, 'no thanks...I've had enough, this is all just too much.' And as for withdrawals..........geez, yes they make us feel bad, yes our legs are full of some weird electric current they shouldn't be, and yes we are the most baddest and evil person to have ever lived because of this and that and the other bloody thing. BUT, just deal with it. I would love to just go get on every time I felt bad, and sometimes I envy the selfish bastards that do. But did you realise that basically every person on earth feels bad???? About something...???? Doesn't mean we all go and,,, blah blah blah, I think you know that bit.
If, you are doing the right thing. You don't need to use, and you don't need to listen to good reasons to use. And if whatshisface has to go and get over it, then so be it.
I told whatshisface to go away until he started to act humanish again, and so he did - now I am all alone. Not nodding off on the couch in front of the juniors, not dribbling into my awfully unkempt red goatie, not lying to myself and those I love, not carrying on like some uneducated trailer trash jerkoff with no understanding of respecting personal space. And yes I do feel better. Maybe a little harder round the edges for now, but this too shall pass.

You're doing the right thing, I'm doing the right thing. Everyone who is here is doing the right thing.

I'm glad you asked this forum for help, asking for help is a really strong thing to do - and I think - means that you're ready to just get it over with.