feeling really alone

[floridawife]

last night myhusband told me that he is addicted to oxycontin
we have been married for almost 9 years
we have a great family and 2 great kids,
and i had no idea
i feel confused and betrayed,
but really want to help him
he is trying to self detox
i thought he had the flu
i can't tell anyone we know
any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated

[windysan]

if he can't do it alone at the house then you might want to consider detox/rehab for him. some can do it at home. i couldn't.

[Barto]

A support group like NA might be critical. Years ago, after many times of trying to quit drinking and doing drugs, AA was the only thing that worked for me.

Did you check out the section for the loved ones of addicts, “Friends and Family of Substance Abusers”?

[floridawife]

i didn't realize there was a forum for that
i have been up all night just trying to find out something
thanks for your reply

[peto568]

It was very hard for me to come off oxycontin alone, i would be thankful hes admiiting his problem that was the hardest step for me. If going to detox/rehab is an option thats one way to go, some ppl quit alone i did for short periods of time, but i just couldn't stay sober alone. i recently came home from rehab and that was the best choice i made. hang in there and i'll be praying for your faamily

[Sugah]

I would strongly suggest that you consider Nar-anon or Al-anon for yourself. All those feelings you have right now must be dealt with, and the folks you'll find in the family programs will understand what you're going through.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Simmion]

You need to get him into a doctor, make sure you go with him, and make sure you are truthful to the doc. The withdrawals from oxy are severe, and it is almost impossible to suffer through it without help. There are medications and programs that will help him through a lot.

Don't blame him for it. Lots of people who were prescribed oxycodone become dependent on it and are really forced to go through other means to support that dependency. That's what happened to me and to be 100% honest, the withdrawals made me so ill, I couldn't help but maintain my intake of oxy.

It's a lot harder than you think, and if he's trying this on his own, that says a lot about his character. Most people dependent on oxy will not quit until forced. I don't have enough facts to make a true judgment, but for me, it wouldn't matter because regardless of the circumstances, it's still not really his fault. It's oxy's fault.

You shouldn't feel betrayed. This is his demon and has nothing to do with you. My addiction had absolutely nothing to do with my wife or family. In fact, I maintained the addiction far longer than I would have otherwise just to stave of withdrawals so I could continue working. It becomes a bizarre self-legitimizing issue, but the bottom line is, don't take it personally. He needs your help and support just as though he was sick with some other disease. There is nothing you can do other than to help him recover and remember, relapse is part of recovery.

[floridawife]

i know that what you are saying about the addiction is true
i just feel like my life has been blown apart right now
he asked me last night if i was going to leave him over this
that never even entered my mind,,,and i told him that...
i am just stunned and shocked right now and can't believe this is happening to our family...

[Simmion]

The sooner you get past the "stunned and shocked" phase and into the "what can I do about it" phase, the better. There is absolutely nothing you can do other than pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. Laying all out in your mind and trying to make sense of it all won't help. Fact of the matter is, it doesn't make sense, it just is the way it is. I think you are letting the stigma of what he is dealing with pull you away from the truth of the matter. The flat truth is, this is his sickness and at this point, it doesn't matter if it's a broken bone, pneumonia, the flu, or whatever else, all you can do is try to help. He's probably already guilty as he11 about this, knowing it makes you feel this way only confirms his fears and makes him feel worse. You just need to know, this isn't his fault, this isn't your fault, it's a disease. If he was in a car wreck and got all busted up, you would let nothing stand in your way from providing all the help and support you can muster. This is no different. It's only the social stigma that makes it seem so horrible. The reality of this situation is not nearly so bad.

[Orele]

Just because he is addicted to these painkillers doesn't mean he loves you any less, he made a mistake but he's still the same person, I don't wanna make excuses for his addiction but it might not even be his fault (medication incorrectly prescibed to him by his doctor after an accident? Was he in a severe accident not long ago?)
His trying to detox alone shows that he wants to be "normal" again for you and your children. I hope his home detox works it might depending on his will power and also how long he used the oxy for but as mentioned going cold turkey can be dangerous so seeing a doctor or a substance misuse agency would be better. I would also suggest seeking relapse avoidance advice and maybe counselling for not just him but also you and him maybe both together.
Love, after the inital shock is over you will see not that much has changed, he's still the same person, he still has the same feelings towards you and his children as he had last week, it's just a lot to take in right now.
All the best for the future ~ Raj.

[sweetpea40]

Peto568 is my son gang!!! I am so proud of him.
I will be praying for you and I know that its hard...But believe me, look at my son now. Coming to you was his first step to recovery and now it's time for him to get himself better.
I believe the Lord helped my son more than anything!!
God sends angels and there are some angels on this site I believe....they have helped me so much!!! Understanding the addiction and the process in which you help and step back.
God Bless,
Machele

[floridawife]

he is still at home, but markedly better than the first 2 days...
he was able to eat yesterday and i made sure he drank lots of water and gatorade
we haven't talked much yet
just trying to hold things together right now and then go from there
he apologized for getting sucked in and for hurting me....
i am just taking it hour by hour for now and trying to keep things normal for the kids

thanks for your prayers...i do believe they help

so glad your son is on his way to recovery

[bvaljalo]

I second what everyone else here has said.

I also recommend seeing if you can talk him into attending some NA/AA meetings.

What he trying to do is virtually impossible to accomplish without some real support from people who *understand* addiction by having lived it.

Most of all, don't YOU expect a miracle here. He may not be able to do this on his own at home. Be prepared for the possibility. Also, if he's been on Oxy that long, he really SHOULDN'T be 'markedly improved' after only two days. He should NOT be able to sleep AT ALL, he should barely be eating, he should be in a HUGE world of self-pitying misery on day three off of oxy ... unless this addiction is very recent development. By that I mean <6 months at most. Frankly, I would be suspicious otherwise. It's POSSIBLE he could be doing a lot better on day 3 ... but unlikely in my experience.

I'm not trying to stir up the pot, that's just a head-up. Keep close tabs on him, because the urge to use becomes virtually unbearable at times during that first week of quitting. I mean, it gets ROUGH in a way you'll never understand if you've never been an opiate addict.

If he ends up relapsing and not being able to stay quit, I would look into buprenorphine therapy if I were you. Again, what he's trying to do here, kick oxy's at home cold-turkey? It's damn near impossible is the truth ... unless the addiction is pretty new or low-grade in terms of quantity he's been taking.

Anyways, today I'm sending hugs and prayers out to your family.

One more thing: try not to stress too much on him not telling you about it. Hiding our addiction is what addicts DO. The drugs control us, we do not control them. They tell us we must not tell ... and so we don't ...