2 more days...

[chiynita]

And I will be all alone for 8 days. I feel sick thinking about it. I am sending all my change and any money I have stashed with my grams. I have over $100 in just quarters. LOL..Can you see me with a bucket of quarters going to the dope boy?
OMG...I have done worse.
I am not taking any chances. I still dont know if anyone is going to leave me a vehicle. I kinda hope not. But the same time it has been really cold, freezing rain and snow here like everyday so that would suck bigtime to walk to and from work.
My Av is right there in my ear saying one time while they are gone is OK. I wont be able to get anything when they get back anyway.
I am pretty sure I can do it. But then I am not. It is so confusing. I know I am going to fight it with everything in me.
I will probably be on here begging for someone to slap me strait because I will be going crazy.
I am afraid of the dark too. Pretty sad. 32 years old and ghost phobic like crazy. Oh boy.
Just warning yall...I may become a real big pain in the butt in a couple days.

[Impurrfect]

(((Trish))))

I still think that the fact that you are worried about it and taking precautions (sending $$ with grams) is a good thing! It's when we think we don't/won't have a problem that we get in trouble.

When I'm anxious or stressed, I stay on SR a lot more. In fact that's why I'm here at 2a.m. ... my 14-year-old out-of-control niece woke me up cussing at my stepmom and telling her to "give me the f'ing phone!

I am hopefully getting my own place very soon. I've had the same thoughts you're having now...I won't have anyone else in the house (except Elvis, the cat). It CAN be risky for us, but we can get through it clean. Don't know about you, but I'm tired of the way I felt AFTER I used...total disgust and hatred for myself. As long as I can remember that, getting high doesn't have too much appeal.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[InnerWinner]

Stay connected, there are people here who love you and care about your well being.

[JPHartford]

Originally Posted by chiynita

And I will be all alone for 8 days. I feel sick thinking about it. I am sending all my change and any money I have stashed with my grams. I have over $100 in just quarters. LOL..Can you see me with a bucket of quarters going to the dope boy?
OMG...I have done worse.
I am not taking any chances. I still dont know if anyone is going to leave me a vehicle. I kinda hope not. But the same time it has been really cold, freezing rain and snow here like everyday so that would suck bigtime to walk to and from work.
My Av is right there in my ear saying one time while they are gone is OK. I wont be able to get anything when they get back anyway.
I am pretty sure I can do it. But then I am not. It is so confusing. I know I am going to fight it with everything in me.
I will probably be on here begging for someone to slap me strait because I will be going crazy.
I am afraid of the dark too. Pretty sad. 32 years old and ghost phobic like crazy. Oh boy.
Just warning yall...I may become a real big pain in the butt in a couple days.

chiynita,

I feel for you and I am worried about you. YOU MUST FIGURE OUT SOMEWAY TO MAKE YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE DURING THIS TIME.

Willpower doesn't work. If you are an addict, you can't just will it away.

Find someone to talk to and to be accountable to. This board is good but you need a real live person that you can see or hear.

I had 4 weeks clean last summer when my wife went off to Alabama. I thought I could handle it, too but I couldn't. I gave in and then the cycle started all over again. 7 more months and thousands of dollars wasted.

ITS NOT WORTH IT! If you go out and use, you will hate yourself afterwards. ITS NOT WORTH IT! Believe me, I am speaking from experience.

Get somebody's phone number (heck I will even give you mine), make yourself accountable. Find something to occupy your time, just don't give in.

[ccgirl2]

JP said it better than I could have.

[anvilhead]

chy - just this morning i got flooded with gratitude that TODAY i'm not living out of the change jar!

you CAN do this......you are strong and resourceful and you know better! leave every light in the house on if that helps. rent 43 movies. go park yer butt in the local Alano Club....keep it simple, one day at a time, one hour at a time...SR is open 24/7........breathe, pray, call a friend.....and most of all revel in the fact that today you have a choice to live a crack free life!

[serenityqueen]

(((Chy)))

Now, you know I love to 'talk' on here. I'll be here, waiting for you to reach out. Someone suggested that you leave all the lights on, look on the bright side (no pun intended) with all those quarters, you can pay the light bill! lol

Seriously, we are here for you. I think you know that. At times we all need a little(or alot) of reassurance. You know what you have to do. You gotten close to many of us on here and we will all be here for you. I'm up at all hours, day and night since I got laid off work and have been getting over pneumonia. My sleep is all screwed up so chances are, if you can't sleep at night, my rear will be here my dear! I'm gonna send you a pm with my email address as well.

Finally, don't predict gloom and doom. For me, that's dangerous. It's a way of setting myself up. If you think you're gonna fail, chances are greater that you will.

Love you and God Bless,
Judy

[tanyapmc]

I also think you should look up your local AA or NA club. There are some that are open 24/7. They would love to have you hang out there.

And I am 40 and HATE the dark and staying alone. So don't feel bad about that.

[chiynita]

Thanks you guys.
Even today I started getting sick and all the uncomfortable feelings that come with fiending. But I went and layed down and now feel much better.I am sick too. So I feel like crap anyway.I get my check tomorrow and everyone leaves tomorrow. I am giving my whole check to my grams as well. I will not have more than $10 on me the whole time they are gone. That will defuse that problem good. I am fine on the actually going if I dont have money. I have gotten over the hustle of it all for like 5 years now. That all seems too complicated anymore. So I only have to deal with thoughts. Even though I know I cant or wont go. My mind will still be racing. I will be ok though.
As for the dark...Yea...most lights will be on. I'll pull mygramps out of the closet. I know seems strange. But his urn being out makes me feel better.

[Impurrfect]

(((Trish)))

I think that's pretty neat you can pull gramps out for moral support!

It sounds like you're doing good. I know when the thoughts come up, I just try to make it not so easy...I still don't keep cash on me any longer than it takes to get it in the bank. There's almost always someone here on SR even in the middle of the night. Even reading over posts helps me out when I'm struggling.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[chiynita]

Ok...SO the grams is staying home due to bad weather. She was going to my other aunts 2 hours away for the week. While the rest of my family is going to Florida. But it is suppose to snow and freezing rain alot next week and decided she is staying home. My aunt lives way up on a mountain.
She knows how I have been feeling. I really hope I didnt influence her decision. She doesnt get to see my aunt very often and for her to be stuck here babysitting me would make me feel bad.
I had a really hard time today.
I wanted to go pick up all day long. But I just layed low. Slept all day because I am sick.
I was wondering if the Nyquil I am taking would trigger this. But I was going through it before I took it.
I have been jumpy all day when I am awake. My leg right now wont stop hopping around. Lots of anxiety today.
I feel like I want to get high. But I dont.
This **** is so frustrating and confusing.

[Impurrfect]

(((Trish)))

I'm glad grams is staying home. Sometimes God really DOES do for us what we can't do for ourselves.

I know you're probably tired of hearing it, but the anxiety will get less. It probably has a lot to do with you being stressed about being home alone for a week. Let's face it, even though you've been focusing on how to stay AWAY from the sh!t, it makes you think about it. I've been doing the same thing, now that I'm about to move out.

I've been putting up safeguards in place, but at the same time by doing that, I'm thinking of it more and that causes those damn "well, maybe just once" thoughts to come creeping back in.

Best advice I can give you is don't give in and pick up, spend more time here and with people who support you, and pray...it's working for me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Trish,

Nyquil is bad news. I haven't heard anything good associated with it for folks in recovery..please try another medicine.

Glad that grams is staying home. Hope that you feel better..

Karen

[FindingClarity]

Hi Chi--

Had to laugh about the bucket of quarters to the dope boy! I wrote my dealer a check once!! I was so paranoid I didn't want to go the ATM.

LOL!! He was pissed. But he took the check and I got my poison.

FC