OTC Codeine Addict Here

[MyGirlMimi]

I finally signed into this forum acknowledging that I have a serious problem that is affecting every single aspect of my life.

I have delayed-onset PTSD. I have exteme anxiety that nobody would know about because I have become a master at what I call "the Mask". I am so certain so many of you can understand what I mean by that. I look stoic on the outside and am just trembling on the inside.

I can't take much more of this. I have hurt my liver and I feel it and see it. I need a lifeline and I told my s/o the other night that my problem was serious. I made him aware, for the first time, that my problem is serious enough to kill me.

My father died when I was 11 of a heroin overdose and I was left with a very abusive mother. I have been angry at him for so long but I have proven to be his daughter. I have no right to be angry at him anymore if I can't even get off OTC codeine. His life and death should be a lesson to me but all I was looking for in the pills initially was to ease my anxiety because nothing else was working.

I am tapering off as I type and am feeling it. My body isn't working as it used to and I cannot entertain the notion of going to a doctor to get full liver tests done because it will send me into a tailspin. Clean first, then I will deal with my consequences.

I will be going completely off all codeine as of Sunday. I have done this so many times that I know what to expect. I have gone clean for up to 3 months, then a trigger happens (which doesn't take much for me because my anxiety is so high and my tolerance so low). I will be down for 48 hours minimum, with the symptoms peaking around that time, and will start feeling a bit better by 96 hours.

I MUST do this now, or I am going to kill myself. I am so afraid, but so happy I found this place where I can be me and be honest about my addiction - and lose my stoic facade.

Thanks for having me.

Mimi

[emmer]

Hi Mimi, As you can see in next to my avatar I am from Canada also and am fully aware of the otc codeine thing.
I myself have taken thousands of t1's and have relapsed many times. When I take them I take them by the handfulls.
As you know they are really harmful to the liver. Ive also drank a slew of codeine cough syrup.

Have you been to a NA meeting?

You should try one out....there fun and theres a ton of support there.

Keep posting ...ok?

..Joe

[MyGirlMimi]

Hi Emmer,

While lurking here, I actually read a lot of your posts because your addictions and mine are almost identical. I have taken up to 16 Mersyndols at one sitting. At my worst, I was taking up to 40 a day. I have not done that now for about a month.

Also, you mentioned an addiction to Klonopin, or clonazepam. My doctor has given me repeats on that and I go through them in about ten days, when the script should last me 30 days. I keep telling myself it's because I need them due to my anxiety, but I know I am just abusing them because they make me feel good and anxiety-free.

I haven't been to an NA meeting because I just moved and really don't know my new city yet, so I am not sure of the areas in which some of them are held. I have given it a lot of thought, though. I need friends in this right now and I have found that nobody really understands, or they pay lip service and then I don't hear from them for months. It makes me angry.

Oh yeah, another symptom of my PTSD is anger . BIG reason I began using codeine. I hate that feeling. It's not *me* at my core. It's what I've come to call my "warrior-princess" taking over in good old fashion as she used to when I needed to protect myself from abuse. She's a little overbearing now, and I'm not quite sure how to put her out to pasture.

Anyway, thanks for the welcome. I am looking forward to, for the first time, being honest about my addiction, temptations to begin using again, feelings, withdrawals, etc. I have never had that before.

[emmer]

Hi Again Mimi, The klonopin (clonazepm) made me rage something awful. It turned me into a major as*hole ( i think anyway) No matter how nice i tried to be I would rage on those things.
Ive been off benzos for 2 years or so and haven't raged once since.

NA is great for making friends, there are soo many nice people there.

...Joe

[Lily]

Mimi,

Thanks so much for coming by and sharing honestly what is going on with you. I am glad I cannot get that stuff here OTC, because I think that would be tuff. I just shared on the NA 12 step how tonight I peeking in my girlfriends medicine chest and saw some liquid codine. I didn't touch it though. I have 38 days clean and what I think my be different this time is A) finding this forum and B) finding meetings and meeting clean ppl. The more addicts you share with the more accountablity you have. Accountability is a good thing as I am learning you are only as sick as your secrets. Glad you shared w/ your S/O. keep posting! we are all here to you!

Sheila

[ccgirl2]

For anyone who wants to attend a meeting, be it NA or AA, you can always do a search on Google, then your city/area. It's not hard to do. It only takes a few minutes. It probably takes more time to go find one's DOC.

[woops]

Hi Mimi
How much are you taking and how much and fast are you tapering?
On Sunday when you finally quit - what will you be "jumping" from?
There are some codeine specific sites - have you had a read at them?
Wishing you luck
woops

[MyGirlMimi]

Hello. I am sorry for not responding sooner. I can't get to this site for obvious reasons while at work. I have been working non-stop.

Well, I chickened out yesterday and actually abused instead - but not a lot. I am driving myself crazy and I realized yesterday that there isn't very much in life that I look forward to. I am depressed, so depressed. I think these pills have caused weight gain too, and I feel it all over.

I am currently taking about 80mg of codeine in total per day. I don't think that is much, when I compare it to T3's. I think I'd like to get it down to 40 mg before stopping completely, but getting to that point without any stressors that trigger me is hard. My coping skills are shot, and I hate who I have become. If I come off these I am stuck with that hate and trying to fix it, along with all of the little things in life that I let slip while abusing to stop caring. It's such a vicious cycle that I keep myself on.

I don't understand. I have been through so much in life, and dealt with it sober and clean. I used to take such good care of myself. I had HOPE. My mother died in '03 in front of me, I tore ligaments in my ankle a year later and was Dx'd codeine, then I had a minor operation to remove cysts and was prescribed percocets, then I went off it all. 6 months later I was beginning to abuse OTC codeine and muscle relaxants.

Somebody please tell me I can do this. I feel so lost and my excitment about the future is marred with worry that I will kill myself abusing these things before I can realize my dreams.

[Simmion]

Right now I am in day 9 coming off heavy opiate abuse. If I can do it, you can do it. You have to make the choice and not let it make you.

[MyGirlMimi]

Thank you Simmion. Yes, I need to make the choice as it is only mine to make. I am chicken of the w/d symptoms yet I allow myself to walk around in this emotional pain all of the time from abusing. It's so stupid.

I keep trying to "plan" this.

[Simmion]

I would give a body part to have cut the w/d's down to <100hrs. I hit a plateau at about day 5 and not much has changed. Still dope-sick as all hell.

Here's what you do..... Go to the store...

Get gatorade, chicken soup, chicken broth, saltines, codeine FREE cough and cold, and some immodium. Flush your stash, lock yourself in, take away any access to a vehicle and money.

If you feel you can't take it, go to the hospital. Tell them the TRUTH. They will give you a shot and probably a script for a benzo. Ask for Ativan. IMHO, it's the mildest with the least abuse potential. Too much of it doesn't make you feel like Xanax does, it only makes you cross-eyed.

That's what I had to do. Today was my first real venture back out to the real world. I could only take a couple hours before getting sick, but I did it. I am a huge wuss when it comes to pain and sickness. If I can manage my way through this, through the pain, the sick, and the SEVERE anxiety, anyone can.

You only have to choose. It really is that simple. It's very hard, but it is simple none-the-less.

[MyGirlMimi]

Your post was so inspirational. I have a script for klonopin (0.50mg) that I haven't filled yet so I was going to use those. Why would I need the cough syrup, though?

I want to try again for this weekend. I have an s/o that is here and I wish he would find somewhere to go for the weekend so I could lock myself in, be as miserable as I could, no questions about anything, and just be me during the w/d. He knows about my addiction. He's so understanding, but I just want to be alone so I can be a miserable arse without worrying about peeving someone else off.

Yes, it's a choice. Dammit, thank you. I am sick of this crap and I have the power to stop it but am wimping out with excuses. Time to put on my big girl pants and quit whining. Thank you so much, Simmion.

[Simmion]

Oh, you're so welcome.

Well, codeine is an opiate. All opiate withdrawal symptoms are essentially the same with the only variance being length and severity. Knowing that opiates suppress coughing, an opiate dependent coming clean will experience SEVERE coughing episodes as the coughing reflex is over-stimulated from the lack of opioid suppression.

Trust me on this. You will be hacking your friggin brains out at some point. For me, it was day 3. And I don't mean a little cough, I mean coughing your brains out until you're puking and coughing at the same time. That's very dangerous. Aspirating vomit can cause extremely serious pneumonia and death. You're going to need some regular dextramethorphan cough syrup, when it starts, you will need about a dose and a half to calm it. No more. Follow standard dosing times and go to normal dose amounts as soon as you can. You will also have a runny nose and congestion, which the cold part will help.

Oh, and BTW, one thing I forgot..... Pain relievers. You will need tylenol and advil, aka acetaminophen and ibuprofen. You will run fever and hurt everywhere, the pain relievers are really helpful there, especially the fever. The first time I came clean I ran fever for 3 weeks. Always low grade, 99-101, but still always there and fevers wear you down fast. Alternate every 4 hours. Tylenol, then after 4 hours, ibuprophen, repeat.

Baths help A LOT. When you are THERE and you can't take ANYMORE, take a bath. You will be feeling better in minutes. So make sure you have plenty of clean towels handy and a good heater for the air. You will be running fever and stripping butt naked in cold air SUX!

Stay up with the immodium. You will have a lot of spasming in your intestines, and it burns and hurts something terrible. The immodium REALLY helps.

Klonopin should help a lot too. I haven't tried it but I have heard a lot of good things about it. Plus you will be running high blood pressure and a high heart rate from the physical stress, it will help with that too. There have been many cases of abuse and dependence of klonopin so take only as prescribed.

And if you need any more help, you know where to come.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!

[MyGirlMimi]

Hi Simmion,

I went to the drug store tonight and bought the gatorade, imodium, nytol cough syrup, ibuprofen and epsom salts. I've put my gel eye masks (they really help headaches) in the fridge for cooling. I've got my pjs all washed up and folded at the end of the bed in the spare room. I'm ready to go.

[TiredMama]

Cough meds and klonopin can be abused. I abused cough meds and did the "sub'ng benzo" thing and it almost killed me. Of course this was not under a doctor's care and I didn't have a RX for the benzo.

Of course not all addicts (as I was informed on another thread of mine) are going to abuse everything we get our hands on, but it is good to be cautious. *Thanks anvil*

[MyGirlMimi]

I don't think I could abuse cough syrup. I can barely stomach the stuff and the thought alone is gagging me right now (I was just horrible about it as a kid!!!).

The benzos, yeah, I can abuse those and do the subbing as you said. I have done that, which is why I am going to do it this weekend, before I can drop my script off at the pharmacy.

[Simmion]

Sounds like you're about ready. I would recommend you get them filled and hand them off to someone who can doll them out to you. You're going to reach that point when you have to do "something". Having a benzo saved me from going back, and I am certainly not subbing and absolutely not using bezo's or anything else at this point.

[peachy1005]

hey, good luck MGM- let us all know how you are doing, k?

[f911]

The acetaminophen in T1's 2,3,4 will destroy your liver long before the codeine or alcohol. It's amazing how few people realized the seriousness of acetaminophen (aka Tylenol) abuse.

jane