I ****ed up good and proper

[exjunky]

I don't know how to say this, so I just will. I bought a lot of heroin last week and spent about 5 days blasting myself into oblivion. All of this after about 8 months of nothing at all.

I wish I could offer some excuse... "I was under a lot of pressure from work", or some such nonsense, but I really can't. It was just a cold, calculated, premeditated relapse. I wanted to do it, and I did it.

I feel like a hypocrite. Here I've been giving people advice on how to overcome their demons, saying things like "it gets easier over time", and then I go and do something like this. What right have I to give anybody advice? I'm about the sickest pup here.

To make matters worse, now that it's over, I don't feel overwhelmed with guilt or sorrow. I feel cold and remorseless.

Well there you have it. I know that I'll probably elicit a number of very sympathetic responses filled with love and hope, but frankly I think I need a good flogging.

[ANGELINA243]

Well then--here is your flogging (at your request). But seriously, I'm glad you decided to "publicly" post this info. I appreciated what you had to share the other night in the chat room. You helped me with my recovery. And as for love & mushy stuff--here goes

[1963comet]

I think the most important thing is that you came back here.

[serenityqueen]

I don't think I could say anything that would make you feel any worse about yourself than you are already do.

I'm sure you're not the first person and you will not be the last who has ever given great advice on here and then turned around and picked up. Someone else just admitted on here within the last day or so that they would be sitting at their computer posting while chain smoking and drinking beer after beer. If you were perfect, you sure wouldn't be here. I discovered SR after I got into my Recovery but before July 25, 2005, I went to alot of meetings under the influence of some major narcotics. It's a shame that I had to get high to get the courage up to talk about trying to quit getting high.

I'm glad to hear you being honest in saying that you planned this. I get tired of people constantly saying that they were blindsided. Bham, before they knew it, they had the needle in their arm. We all know it doesn't happen that way. You have some great tools so start over and put them to use this time! I still love you.

[Lily]

I am sorry you blew it. Remorse can at times be a very good thing, but other times it is just false guilt. Admit it, turn and move on. PLUS, you didn't really lose the 8 months. Those are 8 months you lived clean and sober and you learned you can live clean and sober one day at a time and be happy. I had 8 yrs clean a while back and i have a lot of GREAT memories no one can take away from me. So dust yourself off and get back up and continue on and share your experience strength and hope w/ us.

Remember, you are only as sick as your secrets. Feels good to tell huh?

blessings, Sheila

[ex D-Boy]

Xj --- stay strong bro, your one of the smartest guys on these forums i've met + you helped me tremendously when i was only about a month clean and was contemplating pushing off just 1 time because i would'nt get sick and thought i could control it.

Just think of it this way, was that 5day binge worth how depressed your going to feel for the next week w/o dope??? I know for the first few days when id be coming off dope I didn't want to socialize with anybody let alone even be awake during that time.


Be safe bro, I know you strong enough not to let this petty shyt take you down man.
Scott

[biggbbs]

Dude just get back on the horse and start your recoveery all over again, i been there...

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by exjunky

I know that I'll probably elicit a number of very sympathetic responses filled with love and hope, but frankly I think I need a good flogging.

Ooo...Oooo...Can I flog him first??? LOL!!! Just kidding...

Welcome home, man. I've learned that using isn't the worst thing we can do... Not coming back and trying again after we've fallen beats it by far. I'd be the last one in the world to criticize...not as many times as I've relapsed!! But each time I got up and dusted myself off and tried again, I learned something. The last time I learned that I couldn't use ANYTHING or else I'd go back. No weed...no beer...no nothing.

Be grateful...you survived.

Welcome home.

[roadie58]

A good friend of mine simply told me after my last relapse 'this stuff is going to kill you'. That did it for me. Good luck.

[Sugah]

I tried off & on, using many different means (except, of course, for the one that ultimately worked) to get clean for fifteen years. I finally accepted that I couldn't remain the same person and stay clean. I couldn't just put down the drug. I had to change.

Sorry (I guess?) to hear about your relapse. Screwy as this sounds, once you come around to understanding why/what part(s) of you planned this binge, then you can use it to change. Not deny, not hide, not rationalize. Change.

Like roadie said (in a roundabout way) -- that ****'s gonna kill you, man.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[ccgirl2]

I was wondering where you were. I should know by now that no good comes when regulars disappear.

Hey, it's done, it sucks. What do you do now?

[ccgirl2]

Oh, I forgot to ask, excuse my ignorance on the subject, but just how sick will you be after 5 days?

[Impurrfect]

I'm glad you're back.

I know that when I relapsed, I also had the plans in my mind before I ever did it. I also know, that it took that relapse to make me realize that I just can't do that anymore.

I agree with Sug...now that I look back and see where my mind was when I relapsed, I do everything possible to not get in that same frame of mind. That's what has worked for me, but we each find our way.

I'm with cc - I don't know much about heroin...how sick WILL you be?

I'm glad you're back....there are too many that never make it back.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[windysan]

XJ, looks like you're just gonna have to climb down off of the horse again. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just get your $hit together and move forward. I was wondering where you ran off to.

[anvilhead]

maybe we could try not to do that again eh? just pick yourself up, dust off, and continue seeking recovery......

[peachy1005]

hey ex- just wanted to let you know what I think about the whole thing- I think it is nice and easy for all of us recovering addicts to come here and blog- but it really takes some guts to get on here and admit that you have relapsed. I have read through emmers recovery thread , too, and the poor guy has had 2 or 3 relapses by my count since he started the thing, but I applaud him for continually coming back, and seeking support, and admitting his relapses. cant be an easy thing to do when you think of everybody being behind you, and being supportive, and then you feel like you've let everybody down.
I also wanted to say that you were a great help to me when I was coming off narcs- I would be on here everyday, reading everybodys posts- and people like you and windy and cc and tiredmama and everybody was instrumental in my recovery. I wanted to thank you personally for all your encouragement and help, and wish you luck in getting over this recent development.

[tanyapmc]

Glad you told us the truth. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again.

[ccgirl2]

Peachy's right. If you can't fess up to us, who can you tell?

[windysan]

EJ - you have a lot to offer people when you ain't f**ked up.

[PeachyClean]

I'm glad you are safe and back here.
You have helped me a lot and I really appreciate you.

[2ala2]

Hey XJ,
What matters most is that you're back and you're talking about it. If it wasn't really bothering you, you probably wouldn't have come here and admitted it.
Get a program in your life. It was the only way for me.
Welcome back.

[tennchick9598]

I agree, this is the one place to be honest. that took balls man, I did it once and beat it againm, and you can too. do you think it was too early for you to be off the sub? Maybe you should consider going back on. Leave the mess alone, after 5 days, you wont be so bad off ( i dont think, never tried heroin but watched Candy) but 5 days can turn into 5 months and you KNOW what that withdrawal feels like. Stick with us, we can help a little, but a little help is better than a poke in the eye!!!

[exjunky]

A friend of mine called me and asked if I was alright, hinting at the fact that he might be getting some pills. I didn't enquire any further but I imagine it was oxycodone or something. I told him "no I'm OK."

About the question "how sick do you get after five days" ... the answer in my case is "not very", but it was cutting it real close. A few more days and it would have been real ugly. I've got the sniffles and I'm massively depressed.

And when I'm depressed I usually curl up in a blanket and listen to the saddest music I know. That's my plan for the day.

When all the cards are down
There's nothing left to see
There's just the pavement left
And broken dreams
In the end there's still that song
Comes crying like the wind
Down every lonely street
That's ever been...

sniff sniff

[Gmoney]

Hang in there, XJ. I'm rooting for you!!

[windysan]

yeah XJ, post here for help BEFORE you get goofy. one of us can knock some sense into you.

glad you resisted the oxys.