Advice on telling my family

[itssnowingout]

I am now free of Cocaine for 9 days and from alcohol for 7. I have my first meeting with a Psychologist who specializes in substance abuse tomm and am looking forward to getting on with the rest of my life. RE: the past 17 years...my family is clueless. My father is going to pay to get my teeth fixed($thousands!), and he of course deserves to know the truth. I just don't know how to introduce and have that conversation with him. If anyone can relate to my scenario and can offer some advice I would really appreciate it. He lost his wife some time ago so I always try to keep my troubles of his doorstep, but this is different.
Thanks

[chiynita]

I didnt have to tell anyone. My addiction told on me.
But I do remember the first time I had to tell my grams that I was doing more than smoking pot.
I just looked at her and started crying and blurted it out.
Now I dont really recommend that. But sometimes to get the truth out. Thats what you need to do. Just take the plunge.
I am sure your family will be supportive and want only whats best for you. My family has been my biggest support system.

[warrens]

Originally Posted by itssnowingout

I am now free of Cocaine for 9 days and from alcohol for 7. I have my first meeting with a Psychologist who specializes in substance abuse tomm and am looking forward to getting on with the rest of my life. RE: the past 17 years...my family is clueless. My father is going to pay to get my teeth fixed($thousands!), and he of course deserves to know the truth. I just don't know how to introduce and have that conversation with him. If anyone can relate to my scenario and can offer some advice I would really appreciate it. He lost his wife some time ago so I always try to keep my troubles of his doorstep, but this is different.
Thanks

Boy that is a tough one. I recently had (decided) to tell my family of my relapse (alcohol). No, they didn't know (about the relapse) but they know of my issues. I needed very much to be honest with them to clear the decks of dishonesty, hiding, shame, guilt, etc.

It was probably easier for me, however. My family is comprised of my grown kids, sister, mother, ex wife, and fiance, her grown son, plus assorted spouses. I needed morally to do it. Incredibly, they have circled their support wagons around me and I walk with their support, encouragement, and love throughout the day. What a lift! What an advantage!

Your situation seems a bit more difficult. I would say however, that what you do has NOTHING to do with your teeth. That's what Dad's do. Been there, done that, and that is simply unconditional love. What you say and what you don't depend entirely on your relationship, whether his response could be toxic to your recovery, and what your "needs" are.

I would hope that my kids would share with me. In fact, I know they would because they trust their Dad. That's us.

You have enough on your plate right now. If telling him is going to add to that plate, you might want to think about it, for the best thing that you can do for both of you is recover.

If he may surround you with love and support and ecouragement, by all means go for it.

If it were me, you would not be adding to my burden. You would be allowing me to love and help my child. That's why I created life in the first place. If not for that, why?

Best to you!

warrens

[itssnowingout]

Thanks,
I think I'll see the doc tomm and take it from there. I am having to re-learn how to live and a big part of that is not trying to get every problem solved immediately. I'll let this sit for a bit and pick the right time.

[parentrecovers]

just be honest about what is happening. and then be patient with your family.

hugs, k

[ccgirl2]

My husband and I have been in couples counselling for a while now, and I actually told him first. He helped give me the courage to tell my husband (who had no idea; he thought it was mood swings from bipolar disorder) and he also gave me some pointers as to how to say it. Mostly, he helped me believe in myself; that I was worth it and so was my husband. Good luck.

[FindingClarity]

Snowing,

I still haven't found the courage or the reason to tell my family. The only reason I would is to get honest. I don't know yet if I have the courage to have that conversation or if they can handle it.
My sister knows I party but if I ever sat her down and told her I've been smoking crack at the rate I've been smoking it -- I don't think she would believe me.

Is it necessary that we tell?

[PeachyClean]

Is it necessary that we tell?

No. It's a personal choice.

[bzlt]

all i can say is be very honest with them and with yourself. the first two people i told was my brother and sister in law...they kinda knew from years past but i was ready to do it the right way this time.we talked for hours about who and how to tell. my father was who i was gonna tell. at the time of this i used the night before but i needed help very badly.
we met at a mcdonalds by my house (neutral ground) and i came clean with everything that HE needed to here. i was not going into details with him...that would come later.
together i went into inpatient therapy. i stayed for about 40 days and i saw my father from time to time in the facility and we had long talks...i came clean to him just about everything....i will work on the rest in my 12 steps.
i was addicted to opiates...mostly pills. i was taking alot daily (lortabs) 15-20 daily.
i was terrible in detox. but i made it thru. thank god you detoxed yourself and that is over.
i have burned so many bridges in my life and have 0 friends left because they were all using buddies...
my point is my family is all i have left!!! i have some new friends inside the rooms of AA and NA and they all understand me because they are all like me...an alcoholic/addict.
i love going to meetings, seeing my friends and just talking about everything....
on the other hand my family and i are doing better than we have done in my entire life!!!!my father and i talk almost daily and the rest of my family has been SO supportive and i love each and everyone of them...i would do anything for them and they would for me....i can not say enough about them... i have cheated, stolen, lied, begged and borrow from them and they still love me....
i hope you can tell your father as much as you can because for me it was the HARDEST thing i EVER had to do in my life!!!my family attends alanon meetings and family day for my IOP program and i can not tell you how good that feels.
remember though if your father is not an alcoholic or addict he may not understand your addiction so give him time but show him you can and will do this and show him how much you love him....remember you are his son and he will always love you and in return for that love you give him as much love as you possibly can and ALWAYS for the rest of your life be honest with him...
lots of luck and i hope your life gets better....if you need to chat PM me...

brian d. addict

[roadie58]

I was the LAST one to know that I was an alcoholic and an addict.

Remember that once you tell, that you can never UNtell. So be very very sure that the time is right and that them knowing will serve a purpose. If you're in a program, you're most likely at step 1 not step 9 which is the amends process. Apologies will most likely fall on deaf ears if that's what you have in mind.

Keep on NOT using and the time to tell will reveal itself.

[Lily]

For me it was a big relief. It was almost like I was sicker not telling and then being afraid. When I told my husband he was very loving and very supportive. (the first time he was mad cuz I was so sick he had to take care of me)

Recently I even told my pastor. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted and I have support, prayers and love.

Do you have to tell? no, but do you fell better? yes! Sheila

[windysan]

I was too busy falling down and talking like an idiot for anybody to notice. Tell the folks.

[Pete The Addict]

I can relate. Telling my parents about the nature of my drug addiction for me was one of the hardest parts in my early recovery. I was sober and going to meetings EVERYDAY for nearly a month before I told them. Before which i was so ashamed I would lie to them about where i was going when i went to meetings, lolol. My parents already sort of knew, they knew i was a pot head and a pill popper, just not how deep or bad it was. And when i told them, we sat down for dinner at a resturant and they were raggin me about all this **** i been doing that pisses them off, they really didnt know of my struggles to get and stay clean. And then I said I have to tell you guys something, and sat there silent for a good couple minutes. Eventually my dad blurted out 'do you have a drug problem' and from that point the honesty was flowing fruitfully. And then I told them everything, that i abused our family doc for vicodins almost monthly, that I snort heroin and oxycontin, that i steal from them to support myself. And they loved me and were there to give whatever support they could. I still dont know if they truly understand the nature of my addiction, or that the fact I was so deep it was a matter of life and death. But they do know now about my struggles, and I dont have to be ashamed anymore or lie about where i go when i go to meetings.

[ccgirl2]

Windy said it very well in his Windy way.

Some have said you shouldn't have to tell; my feeling is that in the steps you need to make a full and honest assessment of your past mistakes and shortcomings; also you need to make amends to those you have harmed through this horrible disease. I know I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders and I didn't have to go on the journey alone anymore.

[itssnowingout]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I appreciate your willingness to help. I actually decided that I had to tell both my sister and my father. My sister had a clue...dad will be blindsided. I chose to do it via email for a number of reasons(don't know if that makes me a chicken...but it's done), I'll include the message at the end of this post. I am 17 days clean of Coke and 15 days sober from alcohol. I am a mess, but I will get into that more in another post. I would appreciate any wisdom you can share. If you like feel free to read the revealing below. Thanks again.

"Hey Dad,
Keep in mind that this is GOOD NEWS.

As I have mentioned that PHD I saw the other day was not just any therapist...My visit was a detox evaluation to effectively treat my addiction(s). You know I like to go and have beers with the guys. And though this has become a nasty habit that has bordered on out of control for years...I decided to get help because on top of the drinking I have been addicted to Cocaine for 8 years. RELAX...BREATHE...KEEP READING...THIS IS A GOOD EMAIL!

I decided to wait to tell people until I was emotionally ready and stable again. I am a lot better than I was and I am getting better every day.

I am in a GREAT place with this and my recovery is going VERY well(there's a link to the program I am in at the end of this message) and I am already through the worst part of the withdrawal/recovery period, the first week or so. The detox period is an emotional roller coaster and I have gotten through it in tact. I have been clean of Cocaine for 17 days as of today, and sober and free from alcohol for 15 days. I have realized that if I am to be free of Cocaine that alcohol has to go as well...it's my #1 trigger, which is very common.

I have decided to tell you via email for a couple of reasons. For one there is a great deal of vulnerability and a feeling of being exposed when you admit to others(no matter who it is) that you are a victim of Cocaine addiction, and there is a very real possibility I would have never told you(I think you both should and deserve to know). Another reason is to afford me a way to gather all of the information I want to, I want to be sure you hear everything you need to. And lastly I understand that this is some shocking, scary, unsettling news for you to absorb and I want you to let this settle in and get comfortable with the facts of it. But remember this is good news, this is not about 2 or 3 weeks ago...this is about today, tomorrow and the days after.

You may ask yourself "How did I not know?". If you mix Coke+IQ you get an elusive phenom. Cocaine can make even a fool a competent and convincing liar, illusionist, facade, mirage...you get the point. I just want to make sure that you do not feel in any way responsible for this situation. There are links at the bottom of the page that will help you understand exactly what happens in the addict, and cocaines role in the transformation. Some of the information may seem a bit extreme and scary, I am not experiencing any of the extreme effects of abstinence so don't freak out and think I am on the verge of something awful. I am feeling terrific and better every day, so kick your worries to the curb(Yes, I understand this is actually impossible for you to do).

I am doing everything I need to do to get and stay well. I have a friend, Freddy, who is clean and sober for 6+ years now and he is a great help with all of this. I have a list of about 75+ people I can never see again(trigger), and I have no desire to see any of them again. Sadly this list includes a number of people I really do consider friends, but I have to sever all ties with every single person I have used with/that I know still use/dealers/contacts(my phone lost about 50 #s)/friends of contacts...etc. I also have a list of places I can no longer go due to the association of using(Coke is everywhere, you would be surprised of those involved...it's unbelievable). If you think about it, which I certainly have, I am not losing anything given the right perspective. I am actively seeking the right help and I know that it is available and a necessary tool for my complete recovery, I also understand that I will always be addicted to Cocaine, which is powerful information.

As I have said I am getting better everyday and I have noticed a significant change in myself now being abstinent and sober, I think you have noticed something too...now you know. The fact is that I have been using drugs and alcohol for 16+ years now and it is the direct cause of everything bad in my life. I think after you let this set in for a bit it will explain volumes of my behavior(personal, financial and professional) over the past decade. Again see this as good news. I am not going to lie to you, there are permanent and short term effects of my level of use and I will experience these effects for some time to come...there is a price for everything. Some of these include mood swings, anger, anxiety, depression and an inability to focus(I am all over the place at times). I am going to get checked out later this week by my PCP and I will just take everything as it comes. My body has definitely suffered for a long time, but it will heal. I have suffered for a long time now, but I will heal.

You probably have a desire to call me right now and talk about it...don't(email is fine...anonymity of sorts). You need to let this settle in and I need some time to get comfortable with you knowing. Given the instability of my emotional levels right now I am sure I'll be on the verge of a panic attack(normal) when I hit send. My levels are actually spiking as I write this...

Check out the links I have provided and do any research you want to. The facts are out there. And keep in mind that, being my father, you may want to fix me...this is on me. I am in charge of this and I have taken charge. I will be okay!

And for all of your blind support over the years I want to thank you and apologize for any un-necessary hardship my behavior has caused.
I love you,
E"

[40Thieves]

That email you sent your father really touched me. I can't think of a single thing missing, that I would want to hear from my own child. You should feel very proud of yourself and how far you've come.
Thanks for sharing. I wish you and your family all the best!

[Lily]

Good for you! I said a prayer for your Dad....he will be blindsided, but his knowing can help to keep you accountable. also for your sis. and you! you can do this one day at a time! 15 days is awesome! I have 44 today and i feel great!
last night was a drug dream, but get this, i turned away from it! yay!

blessings, Sheila

[itssnowingout]

This is his reply:

"My dear son,

This is GOOD NEWS! Not that you had addictions, but that you ...

... came to a point where you realized that your life is far too important and precious to have it diluted and dragged down in every way by drugs and alcohol.

... sought and are continuing to seek the help you need and are willing to stop seeing the people and places that may tempt you even on your best strongest days.

... felt comfortable enough to share this with me and have reached a point where you are strong enough to do so.

... know that I love you for who you are and will always love you regardless of what you have done or will do.

I do want to call you but I also want to respect your needs and feelings at this time.

Know that I am NOT freaking out about this. I am rather calm because this explains a lot. I have faith in you and in God that you have taken a major step forward in your life.

Know that I am proud of you and respect you for coming to terms with what was controlling you. I am confident you will do what you need to do to became the man you want to become.

Call or email whenever you are ready. I'm here for you.

I love you, too."

I do feel better...I gotta tell you though, between send and receive I would have killed for a liter of Jager. But I decided a big dinner would do me right instead.

[sweetpea40]

A lot of time the parents usually know it...They are just in denial. You might be surprised at the response. In the end, it is your choice.
Choice made....and look at the response...
Beautiful letter and wonderful father!!
Prayers and God Bless,
Machele